Summary: What's love but a secondhand emotion. Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? Can they really handle "no strings"?
Pairing: Rory/Logan Post-"Wedding Bell Blues"
Disclaimer: Don't even own the socks I'm wearing…
A/N: I've been a long time reader and a beta of many amazing stories. This is my first foray into writing one. Thanks to all the fantastic authors who have inspired me, especially Becca (radcgg) who is my hero in every sense of the word! Story title is from Tina Turner and chapter title is taken from Faith Hill. Please read and review!
Secondhand Emotion
1: Let Me Let Go
"If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Are you still in my soul
Let me let go"
She doesn't know who she is anymore; yet when she looks at him, she sees the endless possibilities of who she could be.
She does know, however, that he's bad for her and that no good can come out of this mockery they've set up for themselves. It has all the trappings of a relationship but none of the substance. They've fallen into a comfortable pattern these last few months. Or rather, he has. She's spinning out of control and doesn't know how to set her world right again. When she was adamant about being able to do this, deep down, it was more about convincing herself than him.
She's always had a choice when it came to guys: Get back together with Dean or get involved with Tristan; stay with Dean or jump to Jess. She's always had the power to control her fate. With him, she knows she couldn't back away even if she wanted to.
There's something about him that fascinates her; it isn't just his indisputable good looks. It's more in the way he carries himself through life. He is confidant and charming; sweet and dangerous all at the same time. He is everything that she is not.
She finds herself waking up at ungodly hours just to avoid getting comfortable in his arms, knowing that the illusion of bliss comes at the cost of her sanity. She avoids going to places where she might see him with other girls. An accidental run in early on almost made her burst into tears on the spot.
She tries her hardest not to get attached to his friends, despite their best efforts to win her over. She knows it will be that much harder to let them go when he inevitably tires of their arrangement and moves on. She is always alert and on her toes, waiting for things to come crashing down around her.
She wants to tell him that she was wrong; that they have everything and nothing at the same time and she wants more.
Her fingers itch to pick up the phone and call him. She wants to purge her soul to him and find solace in those warm chocolate eyes of his. She wants to lose herself in his embrace and for him to promise her his heart. He's had hers from the moment he sent that infuriating smirk of his her way. The smirk that will surely be her downfall.
She strengthens her resolve and reminds herself that it's pointless. He's made clear what he wants and doesn't want. Even with her limited experience with the opposite sex, she knows guys do not react well to things they don't want to hear. She should know by now it never works out well for her.
She didn't tell Dean that she loved him and ended up with her first broken heart. She wouldn't let herself admit her attraction to Tristan and lost her chance when he was shipped off. She couldn't even convince Jess to stay, even after he told her he loved her. As the painful reminders surface in her brain, she decides that it's better to keep everything to herself if she wants him to remain in her life. It's a silent cross she will have to bear.
She is in desperate need of a distraction if she wants to stop herself from over thinking everything, yet again. Resolution firm, she picks up the phone and instead calls Marty to arrange to come over and study. She convinces herself that it's better this way. Her temporary breakdown is just another example of her neurotic self and why he won't want to deal with all the baggage she comes with.
She can do this. She can detach herself emotionally from him and just enjoy his company. She's in college and should be living life to the fullest. Not everything has to be so serious. She can look at this as an adventure; something fun, something stupid, something bad for her, just something different. Isn't that the point of being young?
Who is she kidding?
She's fallen hard for him and there's no going back.