Disclaimer: Only the plot, which isn't that great, belongs to me. The rest belongs to J. K. Rowling. She created it, and I'm just messing around with her toys.

Correspondence

Summary: Harry isn't getting his letters, so he decided to see if Voldemort is intercepting them. A surprising thing happens- Harry starts to make a friendship where he shouldn't. After all, he does have to kill the guy. Right? Mostly told in the form of letters.

Chapter Ten- Tea With Voldie-kins

The last letter:

Mr. Potter-
Of course, see you tomorrow!
-Lord Voldemort himself

On to the chapter!

Voldemort straightened his wig and resisted the urge to rub at his contacts. He hated having to dress up just to kidnap Harry. He had two wonderful surprises just waiting for Harry to arrive. Wincing at his reflection as well as the Gryffindor badge on his chest, he apparated to the outskirts of Hogsmeade.

Might as well go. Hey look! Voldemort thought to himself, A Gryffindor! Wait a seconds, that was not only a Gryffindor, but a Weasley, in specific, the youngest male Weasley. Ducking behind a tree, Voldemort removed his disguises and cast illusions over them that would be visible to everyone except for a few people. Then he walked up behind Weasley.

"Excuse me, but have you seen Lavender? We were supposed to meet at the Three Broomsticks and she never showed up." Voldemort said politely.

"No." Ron said harshly. "You mean you're what she left me for?" He added, looking Voldemort up and down. Well, really just up, because once he get to his face he sort of screeched and… did something he hadn't done since he was in diapers. At least we hope so. "V-v-v-voldemort!" He screeched.

Voldemort looked over his shoulder and around Hogsmeade. "Where?" He asked.

"Right there!" Ron said pointing, and Voldemort stepped aside, and looked where Ron was pointing.

"I don't see him. Maybe you should go to Pomfrey?" Voldemort suggested with eyebrows raised.

"I'm fine, you're Voldemort!" Ron said and in a burst of Gryffindor courage, launched himself at Ron and began attacking him physically.

Hermione and Harry burst out of the shop across the street and pulled Ron off of Voldemort. Ginny was right behind them and she was followed by Draco.

"Ronald Weasley! How dare you attack some poor innocent boy! And accusing him to be Voldemort! Mum is going to hear about this." Ginny said, glaring at her brother. "Would you like to walk with us?" She asked Voldemort.

"Sure." He said, getting up off of the street, watching Ron warily. "Name's Jake by the way.

Ron watched as the others walked off with the Dark Lord. If Ginny hadn't gone with them, he'd have let them get killed. But Ginny was his sister, and no matter how much of a scarlet woman she seemed by not staying in her dormitory, he would follow them.

"That was funny." Ginny was saying to 'Jake'.

"It's hurts though. That weasel can punch." Jake complained.

"Shut up, a cruciatus hurts more." Harry commented.
"Thanks for the reminder." Voldemort said, dropping the illusions.

Hermione, Ginny, and Draco appeared shocked and were a second too late in getting their wands.

After petrifying them all, he said to the girls and Draco, "A pity, you are all to late. Say your good-byes to Potter because this is the last you will se of him forever. And the Gryffindor Weasel is too late." Voldemort added, stunning Ron.

Voldemort picked up Harry and apparated away, leaving the deserted street with four motionless figures.

"So, cream?" Voldemort asked.

"Of course." Harry said around a mouthful of scone.

"Okay then." Voldemort said. "In a moment, I am going to activate some spells that will make it sound as if I am torturing you. So we really can't talk because it will mess the spells up."

Harry nodded and pulled a piece of parchment out.

Hello (Harry is in italics, Voldemort is in normal.)

Hi. Are you enjoying your tea?

Yes, I am, it is quite lovely.

Good. And the scones? The house elf worked hard on them.

They are very good.

I am glad. Would you like to take some back to Hogwarts with you?

That sounds great.

Yes, it does. I like them, I wasn't sure that I'd like them really, because you know, a Dark Lord drinking tea and eating scones with his enemy?

Doesn't really fit with what one thinks of as a Dark Lord. One thinks more of a sinister fellow wearing a lot of black.

Yes, that would be the stereotypical Dark Lord. I don't like stereotypes, they make getting secretaries hard.

Really?

Yes, they just are too scared to go to work. They don't know that I only torture people when they screw up. Then they almost always get eaten by Nagini. Then the new one hears what happened to the one before her and try to run off, being eaten of killed in the process.

Killed?

The Death Eaters think that anything without a Dark Mark that runs by them is free game.

How… nice.

Actually, it's rather annoying. On occasion they've killed on of my visitors, which was rather disappointing, especially when I had not finished talking to them.

I suppose it would be annoying. Should I feel safe?

Yes. You're in my private chambers and I'm the only one who can get in here.

Okay. Dumbledore has been driving me insane lately.

Join the club.

But he shouldn't be annoying me, especially if he wants me to fight for the light.

Good point. Why do you think he's bugging you?

Probably he wants to find out where we're hiding.

So tell him.

Why would I do that?

I forgot, put it under fidelius charm and have someone who is not the secret keeper tell Dumbledore where you're hiding.

Sounds good. But who would put the charms up?

I don't know. This is just an idea, remember.

True.

I just remembered. I have a thing that I usually do today, in about half an hour, would you like to go with me?

What is this 'thing'?

I'd rather not say. It's sort of embarrassing…

Tell!

Must I?

Stop trying to act all elegant. It doesn't work with your face.

What's wrong with my face?

Nothing….. snake face.

I view that as a compliment.

You're just weird.

So will you go with me?

Where am I going?

It's not really important. I suppose that I could leave you here. I don't think that the Death Eater's will find you…

Fine! I'll go with you.

Oh good.

Will this kill me or otherwise main me for life? I'm rather fond of being able to play Quidditch.

You should be fine. I'm sure that you'll actually have a lot of fun. It might actually improve your quidditch skills.

Do Dark Lords have fun? And I can play quidditch perfectly well.

Yes, it's called torturing people. Did you know that I've found a perfectly legal way of torturing young children?

Really?

Yes, the Americans are actually quite fond of it.

What's it's called?

Physical Education. They force the children to change into nasty, sweaty, icky clothes, and make them run around in circles until they can't breathe. Then they might play games. These games normally involve throwing balls at people, dodge ball, I think it's called. They also do a very strange sport, there's an oval shaped ball and they chase after it, and tackle people. Men are forced to wear little tights and run around on the telly.

And this is an American sport? It's legal?

Yes, would you like to take a summer trip over there? They're very big on going to the games.

I like England and Scotland better.

I think I do too.

That's good to know.

It's time to leave, come on.

Okay.

After a few concealment charms, Harry followed Lord Voldie-kins out of the house and down to a building that had strange music and counting emerging from it. They went into a door marked men, and Voldemort conjured a set of sweats for Harry.

"Here, put these on and meet me out there." He said before going into a curtained off stall to change in.

Harry closed his eyes, a sinking feeling in his chest. He suddenly had an idea of why they were here.

"Tom!" The trainer said enthusiastically. "Glad you could make it today. Who's the boy?"

"My grandson. Do you think he could join in today?" Voldemort replied.

"Of course. I'll just get him set up over here." He said, pulling Harry towards a plastic box on the floor.

"Okay then, have you ever done step aerobics before?"

"No." Harry said, trying to back away, shooting daggers with his eyes at Tom.

"Well then. It's easy and you just follow along. Names Dylan by the way. If you fell you can't keep up just do the leg movements, or slow down a little." Dylan said.

Harry nodded and watched as Dylan went to the front of the brightly lit room, his reflection glinting on the hardwood floor.

"Okay then! Let's march in place! Get the blood moving. Lift up those knees. Martha! Great to see you. Let's take it up a notch! On my count, One-two-one-two-one-two! Keep going!" Dylan continued as Harry felt stupid marching in place.

"Keep those arms moving!" Dylan said, as he began to march faster.

Harry looked on and marched, feeling stupid.

"Let's get moving! Step up on one and two, and three and four step down. Punch out your arms. One Two Three Four One Two Three Four." Dylan continued counting, and Harry punched the air in front of him, wondering who came up with this and if they were dead yet.

"C'mon Harry, it's not that bad, is it?" Tom asked from behind him.

Harry glared at the Dark Lord in response.

"A little touchy are we? You'll have to do better than that. May I suggest that you take lessons from Severus? I hear that he has quite the sophisticated glare going these days." Tom said as he stepped up and down, punching the air.

"Lessons? From Snape?" Harry asked.

"Yes, where else do you think you could learn to glare?"

"He doesn't like me. He seems to think that since there were flying Pringles at the party, that they were my idea." Harry said.

"What does that have to do with them?"

"Everything. Since someone enchanted another flock to attack him. They apparently have a nasty bite." Harry said.

"Oh I forgot about that. They tried to eat some sort of potion, and I think it did something to them. Some of them came back, and I think they've begun to breed." Tom said.

"Really?" Harry asked.

"Really. They're in the attic." Tom said.

"Why the attic? Why not the basement?"

"I think Bellatrix left something in the basement. I've been afraid to go down there." Tom said.

"You? Afraid? Is Tommy-wommy-kinns a wittle scaredy cat? Scared of going down into the big, nasty, dark basement?" Harry taunted.

"No." Tom said, glaring, and the red came out into his eyes.

"Don't do that." Harry said, shuddering a little as he was instructed to Step-Kick-punch-step.

"What? Is the big Boy-who-lived who's dueled the Dark Lord and lived afraid of a little glare?"

"Nope. It's just when you glare, the Gryffindor scarlet comes out in your eyes. Maybe you should have made them a more Slytherin color."

"You mean like Emerald green?" Tom asked. "His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad, His hair is as dark as a blackboard. I wish he was mine, he's really divine, The hero who conquered the Dark Lord." Tom sang quietly.

"Why, Tom, I didn't know you went that way." Harry said mildly. "And you're quoting someone. It shouldn't count."

"It should too."

"Should not."

"Should too."

"Not."

"Too."

"Not"

"Too."

"Not."

"Too."

"Too."

"Not."

"HA! I win."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"And I've won again."

"That's not fair, you're using muggle tricks." Tom said.

"So?"

"I'm the Dark Lord, if you remember. I'm supposed to be killing muggles, not using their silly tricks to win stupid arguments."

"Your point is?" Harry asked, eyebrows raised.

"Argh!"

"It was a silly muggle fight anyway." Harry added.

"Stop it!" Tom said.

"Stop what?" Harry asked.

"Being annoying. I should just kill you." Tom muttered.

"But then Hermione would kill you, and she'd be short one uncle." Harry pointed out.
"Can't have precious Hermione short of one uncle, that she only learned existed last September." Tom said.

"I win."

"Fine." Tom said.

"No!" Harry whined. "You're supposed to say 'Did not'!"

"Why?"

"Because that's the way it goes." Harry explained.

"Why?"
"Shut up."

"Why?"

"Because I said."

"Why?"

"Because you're annoying."

"Why?"

"Because you just are."

"Why?"

"You're acting like a three year old."

"Why?"

"Because you know it annoys me." Harry growled.

"Why?"

"Fine, you win."

"Knew I'd win eventually." Tom said smugly.

"Yeah, but I bet the light wins the war."

"Preposterous. The Dark side has already won."

"Really?" Harry asked.

"Really. Because the Dark has the saviour of the light held captive, and without him, they have nothing." Tom said.

"OH. What happens if the savior of the light escapes?"

"He wouldn't know how to escape if the directions flashed in front of him."

"Oh. I noticed you have a sign over your window that says 'es-cop-ae. (says it likes it spelled. Not really how it's spelled though.)" Harry commented.

"Really." Tom replied.

"I thought it was funny. It's spelled almost like Escape." Harry replied, and began humming something.

"Will you stop humming!" Tom snapped.

"Okay." Harry replied. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swim, swim, swim. Just keep swimming…"

"Will you shut up!" Tom snapped.

"Okay." Harry said, grinning. "This just keeps going and going, doesn't it? Echo!"

"Have you gone insane?" Tom asked.

"No." Harry said grinning.

"I fail to see what amuses you." Tom snapped.

"You mean you've never seen Finding Nemo?" Harry gasped. "That is the best movie ever. You have to see it."

"Why should I?" Tom asked.

"Because it's so cute! It's the story of Nemo, a little clown fish who is kidnapped by divers, and his father—"

"I never had a father!" Tom sniffled.

Harry grinned. "Neither did I. I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. In order to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food."

"But I like to eat fish!" Tom protested.

"You're not a shark are you?" Harry asked.

"Not the last time I checked." Tom replied.

"Well then, it shouldn't matter. But did you know that some sharks, don't eat fish, they eat plankton?" Harry asked Tom.

"Really?" Tom asked.

"Really." Harry confirmed. "And whales don't eat fish, they eat krill."

"There is something wrong with you." Tom said, moving away from Harry.

"Are you positive you haven't seen Finding Nemo?" Harry asked.

"Yes. Why do you ask?" Tom inquired.

"Because you seem to know the lines pretty well."

"Well, I might have overheard it once or twice. The Death Eaters like the movie and they had the volume turned up pretty loud…" Tom said quietly.

"Really?"

"Yep." Tom said. "Although I have watched Pirates of the Caribbean a few times."

"That's a good one."

"Totally." Tom said in a deep sort of voice, very different from the high pitched one he normally had, when he wasn't out in public of course.

"You scare me sometimes." Harry said, and then he started to concentrate on the step aerobics. Which weren't as easy as they looked.

Back In Lord Voldemort's Office.

"Why do you have a miniature guillotine on your desk?" Harry asked prodding at the item in question.

"I like to eat carrots fresh from the garden. I use it to cut the leaves and the bottom off."

"Why don't you just use a spell?" Harry asked.

"Because there is yet to be a decent carrot peeling spell." Tom replied crankily.

"Oh. I bet Hermione could come up with a good one." Harry said.

"I should ask her." Tom said, scribbling it down.

"I don't care! Just let me in! He's my uncle!" A voice could be heard coming from the outside. Harry ran to the window and Tom followed more slowly.

"Hey Hermione! Up here!" Harry called waving to her. "You here to rescue me?"

"No, I'm here to visit my uncle." Hermione replied as Tom poked his head out of the window.

"You can let her in." Tom said loud enough for the Death Eaters to hear. "Show her to my office."

A few minutes later, Tom and Harry were joined by Hermione and a cat that had accompanied her.

"Hello Uncle. It's been a while since I've seen you." Hermione said giving him a hug.

"Same here." Tom replied, patting Hermione on the shoulder. "You can let go now."

"Fine, see if I ever hug you again." Hermione said. "You know, they're going mad trying to figure out where you have Harry."

"Would you like some tea? Scones?" Tom asked lightly, summoning the house elf. "I've managed to get Moppet to quit making poisoned food."

"That's good." Hermione said. "What sort of scones?"

"Blueberry, I believe." Tom said.

"Yeah, they're blueberry, and you said I could take some back with me." Harry said.

"Fine then. Do you like brownies Hermione?" Tom asked.

"Yes." Hermione replied.

"More importantly, do you know how to make them?" Tom asked.

"From scratch or from the box. I can do both." Hermione replied, shaking her head.

"Whichever you prefer. If you want to do it from the box we could always go back to the village." Tom said.

"It's easier from the box. I can just apparate down there and back." Hermione said.

"Fine, don't get caught. I think we're out of eggs and toilet paper. Do you think you could pick some up too? And some spray paint, preferably in neon green?" Tom asked. "Silly string too."

"Did the Death Eaters have fun last night?" Harry asked.

"Yes they did. I've had to steal toilet paper from the gym, because they used it all. They toilet papered and egged all of Surrey. Would you like to see the pictures?" Tom asked, pulling a large stack of photos from a drawer.

"Not now." Hermione said. "I think I'll just go to my house and get what I need. It'll be easier, and I don't have to go shopping for a bunch of Death Eaters. My parents shouldn't be home, but If they are I'll explain. Can I get through any wards that you have?"

"If you go now." Tom said. "I'll keep them down for you though, so try to hurry."

"Bye." Hermione said before disappearing with a soft pop.

"Now I want to see those pictures. Did you get the Dursleys?" Harry asked, pulling his chair closer to the desk.

"Yes, they really hit that one hard." Tom said. "The best part is that they had left to pick Dudley up, so it'll be there for another day."

"Nice." Harry said flipping though the photos. "We should get this one framed." He said, holding up a picture of Number four. Except you couldn't really tell it was number four because most of it was covered in white strips of toilet paper and eggs and a little silly string here and there. "How rotten were the eggs by the way?"

"They were spelled to keep fresh, so they probably weren't rotten, unless they spelled them rotten." Tom replied. "Which they should have done."

The cat that had come along with them leapt up onto the desk and nosed the pictures, almost as if she were looking through them. Looking at the cat, Harry winced. Something was familiar about her.

"Tom. I don't think that cat is a cat." Harry said.

"Really?" He asked. "What do you think it is, a dragon?" He asked, flipping through some more pictures. "Hey, they used the silly string!"

The cat jumped down and looked sternly at Harry. "What! It's not my fault the Death Eaters decided to vandalize Surrey."

"Who are you talking to?" Tom asked.

"The cat." Harry replied.

"Why?" Tom asked.

"Because Hermione brought Professor McGonagall with her." Harry said and watched as the cat took the form of his transfiguration professor. "Hello Professor." Harry said dully.

"Mr. Potter! Your mother would be ashamed of you! Sitting here consorting with the Dark Lord!" McGonagall began but was cut off by Hermione's arrival.

"Professor! How did you get here?" Hermione asked, holding a small tote bag.

"You brought me." She said smugly.

"I did?" Hermione asked.

"You forgot she can turn into a cat Hermione." Harry said. "So Professor, are you going to join in on the party or drag me back to Dumbledore?"

"I've always been fond of brownies…" She began.

"Excellent!" Tom exclaimed. "Looks like dinner and drinks for four then. Is anyone else coming?"

"No." Harry said eyeing Tom warily.

"What?" He asked, "It's been a while since I've had company. Hermione, would you let the elf take care of the brownies, and then we can do something."

"That sounds fine, I suppose. It's not really that much work. I brought some movies, why don't we watch them?" Hermione suggested.

"What movies?" Harry asked.

"Finding Nemo, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Men in Tights." Hermione said.

"Why don't we watch Men in Tights first? It's been a while since I've seen a Robin Hood movie." Tom suggested.

"Okay then."

Hogsmeade, sometime in the middle of the night.

"Professor? Which way is it to Hogwarts?" Harry asked, swaying back and forth.

"I think it's that way." Minerva replied.

"Yes, that way." Harry agreed.

"Minerva? Why do cats have tails?" Hermione asked, peering blearily at a bush.

"For balance, I think. Why do you ask so many questions Hermione?" Minerva replied.

"I like to know stuff." Hermione said. "It would be nice to know the way to Hogwarts."

"And to know what exactly your uncle put in our drinks." Harry added, trying not to trip.

"I think it was just rum." Minerva replied. "Oh look, there's Hagrid. Maybe he knows the was to Hogwarts!"

"Hagrid!" Harry, Hermione, and Minerva called.

The large man turned and walked over to the group. "Why, if it isn't 'arry and 'ermione. And Minerva. I coulda sworn he-who-must-not-be-named had ye captive. I was out looking fer ye in the bars."

"No, no. He didn't. We were just over for tea. And dinner, and drinks. Lots of drinks." Harry reassured his friend.

"What sort o' drinks?" Hagrid asked.

"Good drinks." Hermione said, nodding her head up and down empathetically before collapsing into a fit of giggles.

"Yer drunk." Hagrid said for confirmation.

"Yep." Minerva said. "Drunk as a drunk in a bar." She paused, frowning. "Wait a second.. I'm not sure if that made any sense."

"Things don't have ta make sense after yer fourth drink." Hagrid reassured them. "I'm pretty sure ye've had more that four."

"Hagrid." Hermione asked, peering up at the man as if she had just noticed him. "Do you know the way to Hogwarts?"

"It's that way." Hagrid said pointing a large hand towards the large, brightly lit, obvious castle.

"Would you like to accompany us to Hogwarts?" Minerva asked.

"Why not." Hagrid said, laughing a little, "Why not."

Dear Readers:

I am terribly sorry for the long wait. I got sick. I had a very high fever, and I had an interesting conversation with Professor Snape while I was sick. I was hallucinating if you didn't pick that up. I don't own Finding Nemo, Harry Potter, and Men in Tights. The next chapter is going to be the last, at least I think so. Thank you for all the reviews, it amazes me how many I've gotten. Also I am very sorry for Hagrid's accent, I don't think I did it very well. I think that's all and please don't kill me for the long wait. If it cheers you up, I have finals to do tomorrow and my final Project for Marine Biology which is nowhere near finished. Review if the urge strikes you.