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Part 2: Stumbling
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Lupin had a rather difficult time with supper. Something was making him incredibly nervous. Maybe the reason he was having a terrible time simply holding his fork was because Snape kept staring at him calculatingly up the table; it was a miracle he didn't drop it. And was the headmaster looking from Lupin to Snape and back again deliberately or by mere coincidence?
It would be untruthful to say that Lupin wasn't worried about Snape's later visit. The stress was in fact almost too great, and so he bolted most of his food down and left as soon as could be considered polite. He did need the time to prepare the tea, after all. Or maybe just to think over what he would say so as not to sound utterly ridiculous.
"Hello, Severus, how are you? Sit down. You might want to know the reason why I invited you here tonight. It's the same reason my eyes are drawn to you from the minute you walk into the room, following you as you stride to wherever it is you're going, tracing the straight lines of your figure and..."
No.
"Lovely evening, isn't it, Severus? Care for a stroll out under the stars? I think you'd look positively... er... enchanting out..."
No.
"Severus. Sleep with me?"
NO.
The werewolf sighed heavily, turning around to pace the length of the room again in what had become an almost ritualistic habit.
Like a caged wolf.
He had to smile at his own thought, then quickly reverted to frowning as he stopped to inspect the tea things he had set out. Plain china, unadorned, chipped in several places - he hoped it was suitable enough. Actually it was the only set he was in possession of, and he was afraid it might be just as shabby and worn as the rest of his belongings were. As he was himself, come to think of it. This gave him slight pause. He and Snape were not exactly young anymore, although they weren't exactly old either. But would Snape really ever consider taking such a poor, well-worn man... well, werewolf... as a lover? There seemed to be no way to know without asking, and even though the signs would point to a negative answer, he had to try anyway.
Supressing another sigh, he turned toward the door, becoming a bit impatient now in his anxiety. They had not agreed on the time, only that they would meet in Lupin's chambers; surely he would be coming...
"Oh. Se... Severus... you're here."
Snape had indeed arrived, and was standing in the open doorway with his arms folded, a look of what could almost be called bemusement on his thin face. But no, this was Snape, the man who wasn't amused by anything. Lupin decided that he must have read that look wrong. Probably a result of the surprise he felt that he had bothered to come.
Maybe I've a chance after all...
"Lupin. Standing about with your chamber door wide open, not paying attention to what might be lurking outside with easy access. And you are the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor? I do pity the poor children under your tutelage if you manage to ignore the simplest of precautions this way."
Maybe not.
"Ah..." Lupin began shakily, still rather offguard at Snape's sudden appearance and therefore unable to come up with a decent reply. "Well... thisis Hogwart's, Severus. We're safe enough here, aren't we?"
"One can never be too safe," the dark-haired man sniffed in return. He paused for a moment, only staring at Lupin. "...Well?"
"Well?"
"Are you going to invite me inside, or must I stand here in the blasted doorway until you've finished gawping at me?" He sounded irritable, and Lupin cursed himself inwardly for letting his frayed nerves take control of his common sense.
You've got to stay alert or he's going to lose interest and leave.
"Yes, of course, Severus. Come in, please. I'm sorry, I was rather lost in thought when you arrived." Snape grunted as if to say it must not take much for Lupin to get lost in his own head, but did enter and close the door behind him. Lupin thought of his chambers as small but homey, although Snape's tastes would surely give him a different impression - probably "cramped" and "too cheerful". The tiny area Lupin optimistically called his "sitting room" had a fire sparking in the grate and several small candles ranged on whatever flat surfaces were available for the purpose. These were the only lights in the room, making the setting somewhat dim and intimate, but if Snape was suspicous of this, he gave no sign as he settled onto Lupin's worn two-seat sofa. Lupin himself sat in the armchair across from him; heavens only knew what Snape would do if he sat right next to him like he wanted.
"Ah, I almost forgot the tea. What do you-"
"Actually I would prefer coffee. You wouldn't happen to have any, I suppose."
"Oh... ah, no, but I do know a decent spell to transfigure it from tea," Lupin offered sheepishly. The other man only shrugged, so Lupin performed the spell quickly, then handed the steaming cup over to Snape as he re-pocketed his wand. "Careful, it's pretty hot."
The potions master only looked at it disdainfully. "It's plain, isn't it."
"Er... yes, isn't that how you want it?"
"No. It doesn't seem likely that someone like you has never heard of putting sugar in coffee."
"Su... gar?" Lupin said slowly, baffled.
"Solid crystalline disaccharide? Sucrose? I imagined someone like you would have it stockpiled."
"Er... I know what sugar is, and I have some, it's just... I never would have equated you with someone who puts sugar in their coffee," Lupin said, unable to keep from grinning as he went to fetch it. "And how many do you want?"
"Three should do." The grin widened as he complied, glad that his back was to Snape as he did so. Severus Snape and sugary coffee... no, no one would have seen that coming. Lupin handed the cup over and returned to his own seat, watching the other man as he sipped experimentally.
"It's alright?"
"It's sufficient."
"Good." That had been about as good as a compliment, coming from who it had.
"Why are you smiling so absurdly at me?"
You forgot to turn off your stupid grin, you idiot.
But Lupin felt strangely more relaxed than before, and so he just sat back and continued it. "Because you're a surprising person, Severus."
"...For liking sugar in my coffee?"
"No, no. What I mean is... well, I guess I could say there's probably a lot about you that other people don't know, so they just have to assume based on your personality. Like how I just assumed you would take your coffee plain because... well..."
"Because my personality is black and bitter," Snape supplied in a bland tone, taking another sip.
"I wouldn't... er... say that..."
"No, because you lack the courage say it. You would think it, however."
Lupin shook his head slightly, aware of the point that Snape was making but unable to reply for the moment. Too many times he had kept his thoughts to himself on too many important occasions... He began drinking his cooling tea, wishing he could just come out and say what he so longed to.
"So."
Snape spoke quite suddenly and loudly, startling the lycanthrope. The tea in his cup sloshed dangerously, but didn't spill. "So...?" he repeated once he had recovered.
"What did you ask me here for? Because I know it wasn't just for you to discover my beverage preferences."
"Heh. Right. Well... it's difficult to say..." Which was the truth. Saying "I like you in the way that certain men like other men" to Severus Snape was surely high on the world's list of Hard to Say Phrases. "I-"
"Have you been feeling poorly? Perhaps in need of some kind of potion? I noticed you at supper, eating your food too quickly... or maybe I should say wolfing your food too quickly." Lupin stared at Snape smirking across from him. To say that Snape making a werewolf joke was a bit odd would be an understatement.
"No, it's not... that..."
"It is seventeen days before the next full moon, so I assume you aren't in search of wolfsbane," Snape continued without missing a beat. "Although I had been gathering the ingredients to start another cauldron for next time when Albus interrupted me this afternoon."
"I see... Wait." A sudden thought had occurred to Lupin, too horrible to fully imagine. "Severus... please tell me those eyeballs aren't an ingredient of wolfsbane. Please."
Snape looked smug now, and he lifted one thin finger to tap his chin in mock thoughtfulness. "You're seen me prepare it before, haven't you?"
"Yes, but... you had a lot of things already ground up in little vials, and... ugh..." Lupin was starting to feel distinctly ill.
"If you must know, they are from a rare Peruvian toad. The eyeballs retain a sense of vision even after they are plucked from the sockets - actually I should say it onlyseems they retain a sense of vision. They only sense movement, in truth. Their uses in potion-making are very miniscule. I mostly keep them around to intimidate the unduly curious who somehow manage to find their way into my private areas."
"Funny you should put it that way. I'm unduly curious, and I'd love to find my way into your private areas."
"Why is your face turning red?"
"Oh... bit hot. Too much tea." The blushing werewolf set his half-empty cup aside and took several deep breaths.
"So what is it then? I must admit I'm out of ideas."
"Severus, it turns out I'm even more infatuated with you than I previously thought. You're not as hardened and angry as I would have assumed you'd be, and you've even shown me you have a sense of humour. I love you, Severus, more than ever, and I just want you to..."
No, not that one.
"Severus, what do you think of me?"
There. That wasn't bad. Too bad.
Snape's eyebrows drew together and he leaned forward slightly. "As a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor? Hopelessly inept."
"Er... oh. No, I really meant... as a person."
"As a person," the potions master repeated, sitting back again. He stopped looking straight at Lupin and instead began inspecting his teacup. "Well, you're a coward."
"...Oh."
"Wait. I'd have to say you're a dunderhead too. I mean, really. May as well be honest."
"Er... right..." Lupin closed his eyes tightly, feeling his doom rushing ever nearer.
"You look ill. What are you going to do?"
"What I want to do is throw you down on that couch and bugger you silly."
Right. Say that and Snape wouldn't find Avada Kadavra to be quite good enough. He could picture the scene when they came to look for him hours later: Snape still sitting and drinking cold sugary coffee in the middle of the room while bits of Remus Lupin decorated the walls and ceiling. And every now and then he'd laugh, high-pitched and maniacal...
"You can answer any time."
Lupin opened his eyes and looked resolutely at the other man, who had leaned forward so far now that he appeared in danger of falling off the couch. "Severus, I'm interested in you."
Black eyes narrowed slowly. "Interested. What do you mean by that."
"What I mean is I like you. I want to get to know you better. I always have. Circumstances just haven't been ideal. I want you to give me a chance."
"Even after what I just said about you?"
"I'm not sure you really meant that, but yes."
"And you're talking about an intimate relationship, aren't you."
"I am. We can start as friends, but I know that won't be enough for long. Severus, I've... wanted you for a long time. I know I can't offer much, but all I'm asking..." Lupin's words trailed away as Snape got to his feet. He walked across to the table and set his cup down on it carefully before turning to look at Lupin. And that look made him want to close his eyes again.
"Well. It's all very wonderful for you to admit these long-denied feelings for me. But some of us are really unsure about what he want in regards to sexuality." He turned to leave, but stopped in the doorway without looking back. "Good evening, Lupin. Thank you for the coffee." Then he was gone, the door snapping shut behind him.
What did he mean by... Does he really not know his own preferences?
It was hard for him to understand how Snape could be uncertain over which gender he would prefer for a lover. Lupin felt beyond foolish for never having considered the fact that Snape might not be gay. Unless what he had really meant was that he didn't know if he could commit to a relationship...
Lupin slumped back in the armchair, deep in thought, which was how he remained until the knock at his door not ten minutes later.