Elizabeth woke up to the twitter of birds outside of the window. She
wrinkled her nose against the tickle of the soft auburn down on Robert's
chest. She smiled before opening her eyes.
His profile was outlined against the white light glowing through the billowing curtain, and she smiled more deeply as she realized that she knew his face by heart. Deepset eyes, strong cheekbones, sweet nose, sensitive mouth, jutting jaw. And those delicate ears. She blinked and when her eyes reopened he was looking into them, meeting her blue gaze with his deep brown one before their lips met in their first kiss of the day.
Hearing Ella chattering to herself in the next room, Robert pulled back but then pressed forward again to kiss Elizabeth hungrily but quickly, already reaching for his pyjama pants, struggling to slip them on as she hung around his neck and kissed him back. Laughing, he ducked out of her embrace to go get her daughter. Their daughter, she thought.
Ella had become Robert's child. The little girl adored and trusted him. He was the person she looked for when the other mommies and daddies picked up their sons and daughters from day care. He was the one who talked to her and listened to her and sang to her and rocked her to sleep and took care of her when she was sick. When Elizabeth would leave for work, she would kiss them both goodbye and never worry that Ella would be lonely or neglected or that Robert would be lonely or neglected for that matter. He obviously loved spending time with the girl, watching her grow, teaching her things, just being with a little being who was totally happy to be with him. Their closeness was something so natural that Elizabeth often had to remind herself that Ella had ever had another father. She had never expected fatherhood to be Robert's forte, but here he was, totally fulfilled by a day spent coloring pictures or making necklaces from macaroni. Alright, he was still very much engaged in his research 3 days per week, but he had hired a former med school buddy to share the grant with him, allowing them both to spend more time with their families.
Family, she sighed. A word that had only ever meant worry and problems and complications and frustrations to Elizabeth was now a word that meant happiness. It was the word she thought of to describe her life. Well, that and passion -- tender, intense, and all-consuming passion -- for the man who made her feel so alive and so loved every minute of the day.
***
Elizabeth's headache would not go away. She had already taken too much ibuprofen, cut out caffeine, indulged in a nap. When Robert had noticed her rubbing her eyes last night he'd pulled her head into his lap to massage her temples. Nothing was working. After three days of dizzy lightheadedness and three nights of insomnia, Elizabeth was in the lounge fighting back tears and thoroughly frustrated at not knowing why.
After all, her life was perfect. She was completely in love with Robert, completely sure of his love for her, completely secure in their love for Ella. Robert totally supported her work, encouraged her to take on challenges but counseled her to take care of herself. And when she forgot to, he took care of her. His house had become her home, filled with music and laughter and conversation. And every night in their bed Robert fulfilled her every desire, satisfying needs that she had not known she had until she met him, opening her body and soul to experiences that she had never shared with anyone else.
What was wrong? she thought, and a horrible, irrational fear gripped at her heart at the memory of Mark's illness and death, but in her last check up a month earlier her GP had given her a clean bill of health. Her blood pressure was regulated by low doses of medication, and Robert made sure that she ate right, exercised and slept enough. It was like having her own personal physician after all. He worried so much about her that Elizabeth barely had to worry about herself. He worried too much really. That's why she'd never told him of her own nagging fear that the fertility treatments she'd had in order to have Ella had caused her blood pressure to rise and could cause more serious problems down the line, but every pap smear and breast exam were fine.
Frustrated with her lack of insight into her own health, Elizabeth stalked out of the lounge and went back to work, giving the nurses particular grief that day and making them wonder whether Romano was rubbing off on her.
***
Later that evening, back at home, Elizabeth let Robert put Ella to bed. While he was busy, she rummaged in the bathroom for a thermometer, and as she was about to place it under her tongue, Robert walked in and caught her in the act. Wordlessly he watched her take her temp and read it, not asking to see but waiting for her to speak. She admitted that it was a little high and he put his hand to her face and then brought his lips to her forehead. "Hmm," he concurred. With his arm around her shoulders, he steered her to the bed, and sat down with her for a minute. "Wait here," he said simply and in a minute he was back with her bag, taking out instruments to listen to her heart and to measure her blood pressure. "Everything's normal," he said with bewilderment. "Of course," she reassured. "Then why do I feel like something's going on? Why do I feel like I should be doing more for you?" he wondered aloud.
Elizabeth laid her head on his shoulder and let him wrap his arm around her. "I'm just worried about you. You seem restless lately," he murmured as he rubbed gentle circles over her back. Slowing this motion, he lowered his whisper so that she almost didn't hear the next question, "Are we okay?"
Fear bolted through her body. The one thing she counted on was that she and Robert were okay. If he doubted that for an instant, her life really was in danger. She jerked her head from his shoulder, stared at him fiercely and asked, "What?"
He looked at her searchingly. "There's just something going on here. I don't understand." And feeling her anxiety as she tightened the grip of her hands on his shoulders, he relented and shook his head. "I'll never understand women. Today Ella spent three hours making invisible hors d'oeuvres for our tea party," he smiled and Elizabeth smiled back at the thought of Robert and Ella's afternoon of imaginary cucumber sandwiches.
He moved closer to her again to kiss a line down her neck and into the curve of her collar bone where her skin was oh so sensitive. Elizabeth was suddenly overwhelmed with longing for him, for them, for the sweet, hot mingling of their lips and tongues, for the slow, rhythmic merging of their bodies. Her fingers flew to unbutton the few buttons on Robert's linen shirt, sliding the fabric over and off of his shoulders before pressing him back onto the bed as her hands moved to unfasten his belt.
***
She had thrown off the sheet, and her body glowed pale in the moonlight that flooded through the window. In the intensity of the evening's activities, they had neglected to draw the curtains. Robert watched her sleep, enraptured by her presence there next to him. After three months of this, he still couldn't believe that Elizabeth was his. That they belonged to each other completely. Her total trust was expressed in the serenity of her sleep, her happiness in the smile that lit her lovely features even then.
He hadn't thought that it would be possible to love her more than he had for all of those years when she was just a dream to him, an impossible fantasy always out of reach. Now that they were together, sharing their lives, now that she reached for him every night and every morning, reality was richer and more fulfilling than any fantasy. Each day he discovered a new happiness. There were weekends when they would stay in their pyjamas all day, reading the newspaper on the living room sofa, Elizabeth's head in his lap, Ella's head in her mother's. There were evenings when they would read Ella bedtime stories together, cuddling their little girl between them, exchanging knowing looks over her soft blond curls as she nodded slowly off to sleep. There were nights when they would make love for hours as if time stood still for them. And the next morning, when Elizabeth would struggle to open her eyes, he would bring her coffee in bed and tickle her with good morning kisses to her ears and neck and shoulders.
He sighed deeply. Something was changing. Something was different. She was distracted. One moment she seemed to need him more urgently than ever and the next she seemed distant, as if she were hiding a secret that even she didn't know herself. He swallowed. Well, if this wasn't what she wanted, he'd have to let her go. If his love was not enough, he'd have to accept his insufficiency. He had given her his whole heart. What more could he give?
*** After spending the morning at her doctor's office, submitting herself to every test they could think of, Elizabeth tried to get on with her day. As trauma after trauma rolled into the ER, she dove into her work, repairing torn vessels, open wounds, damaged organs. When it was all over and she took off her stained gown and sweaty scrubs for a hot shower. She stood under the hot water with her eyes closed, letting the tension wash away when all of the sudden: ouch! She must have fallen asleep because she was jolted awake as her elbow slammed into the tiled wall.
Soon after, when she walked into the dimly lit kitchen Robert stood to greet her, but instead of their usual kiss, he circled his arm around her and pressed her hard to him. His voice sounded like a sob when he said into her ear, "Jan wants you to call her. As soon as you get in."
They both breathed together, waiting until they could each steady themselves before stepping back. Robert's eyes were dark with emotion. Instead of explaining that she'd only gone to see her doctor as a precaution, that the call was probably just to reassure her that nothing was wrong, she took Robert's hand and led him to the living room, sat down on the sofa and pulled him down next to her before reaching for the phone.
Holding the receiver with one hand, Elizabeth held Robert's with the other. His grip was firm and strong. Perhaps tighter than necessary to stop both of their hands from shaking. When she heard Jan's voice, she took a deep breath and answered with carefully conjured informality. "Hi Jan. It's Elizabeth."
When Jan finished, Elizabeth thanked her and pressed the button on the phone to end the call. As she did so, she closed her eyes, not quite ready to look over and meet Robert's intense, expectant gaze.
And despite the fact that patience wasn't his favorite virtue, Robert waited until she was ready to face him. When she did, he didn't ask for an answer but just leaned forward and kissed her, trying to tell her without words that he'd always be there, that he loved her no matter what, that they didn't need to be married for him to stay through sickness as well as health.
This silent sweetness touched her more deeply than any spoken expression of devotion. During all those years with other men, she had never imagined that Robert could be the one she had needed all along. She drew her face away a little to curl her head under his chin and cuddle against him, taking his hand in hers and holding it before raising it to her lips to kiss the strong knuckles and to whisper his name against them. She felt him shift against her, tense in the silence that should have been broken by some sort of explanation, but trying hard not to be the first to speak, trying to let her tell him in her own time.
Elizabeth slid away from him then, off of the sofa and onto the thick carpet at his feet, still holding his hand but now facing him and gazing up into his eyes, her own filled with dazzling tears. She swallowed them back before speaking, trying to find just the right words. But when she looked more closely and saw that Robert too was weeping, she rushed to comfort him with the first words that came to mind. "Hey,"she began, reaching up to touch his cheek, then rocking forward to wrap her arms around him, to draw his head to hers, to whisper kisses into his ear. "There's no reason for us to be crying. We have every reason to be happy. And one new one. We're having a baby."
***
Irrational, primal joy swept through him as he fell to his knees before her. He hugged her hard against him, letting his tears gush and his breath come in ragged sobs of uncontrolled exultation. His entire body shook with the thrill of it, with the knowledge that their love had created a new life, that in the intensity of their adoration, they had forged the strongest and deepest of bonds. His sobs turned into laughter as he drew away to look at her, to recognize the new light behind her wide blue eyes. He touched her face almost not believing that these feelings were real, that deep inside this most beautiful of women lived a tiny being, a child that they had made, a child that they would share. Enthralled by this thought he stared at her, her smiling face looked beatific. She was saying something, but he could barely hear through the surges of strong and as yet unnamed emotions that were crashing through him: pride, tenderness, gratitude, surprise, and fierce protectiveness. Through all of this she was murmuring to him, whispered words like "such a beautiful life together," "the most amazing father," "a new little person for us all to love," when suddenly, through his happy tears he saw behind her on the end- table Elizabeth's prescription blood pressure medication, the light of the lamp glowing orange through the plastic bottle.
***
Elizabeth caught Robert's chin in her hand and turned his face back towards hers, but somehow she couldn't make him meet her eyes. "Hey you," she scolded laughingly, "you'd better say something." But when he didn't she changed her strategy, "You know, I'm as suprised as you are. With Ella it took a year of heavy-duty hormone treatments. With you, I guess my hormones just come naturally," she joked. And when he still didn't speak or even look at her, she softened her tone, "It's okay to be scared. I was, too, the first time. Even after waiting and hoping and planning, it's still a strange and serious thing, this..." she broke off when he shook his chin from her hand to finally look her in the eye.
"You're right, Elizabeth," he said to her, his voice shaky and barely controlled, "I am scared. It scares the hell out of me to think that you're even considering doing this. What about me? For God's sake," he said his voice rising out of control, "What about Ella?" Elizabeth's eyes widened in confusion, hurt by the almost angry tone she was unused to hearing from him. "Robert?" she questioned, not sure what was going on.
"Elizabeth," he reasoned, somehow finding the control he'd lost for a moment. "Your last pregnancy was no piece of cake, if I remember correctly. And now you're forty years old and hypertensive and you want to do it all over again? The risks are just too great here. I can't let you do this. You can't do this."
Shock turned to horror as Elizabeth realized what he was telling her to do. "Oh no?" she found herself objecting, her face contorting in an angry grimace, red blotches appearing on her pale skin. She grabbed the sopha cushion and pulled herself to her feet and then began slowly backing away from where Robert was still kneeling on the floor, as if to escape from what he had just said, as if she could slip away and hide from the truth he'd just told her. Then louder and more firmly, "Don't you ever tell me what I can and cannot do. Don't you ever presume to tell me," but her last words were already sobs that she couldn't quite contain. Her shoulders had begun to shake, and she grabbed the back of an armchair to still herself. Robert sprung to his feet to go to her when a little sound behind him stopped him in his tracks. A little whimper from the bottom of the stairs where Ella stood in her pyjamas with a teddy bear clutched under one arm and tears welling in her eyes.
Torn for a moment between the two women he loved, Robert sat down on the sofa and held out his arm for Ella who ran to him and curled up against his left side. They both looked at Elizabeth in silence which was broken by a little gulp and then Ella's whisper to Robert, "Mommy's crying." Without taking his eyes off of Elizabeth, he whispered back, "I know, Ella. Let's tell her to come over to us so that we can make her feel better." And dutifully Ella implored, "Come here, Mommy." Robert just looked at Elizabeth bessechingly while she stood looking down at the floor with huge tears rolling down her cheeks and off of the tip of her nose.
Suddenly, without looking up, Elizabeth went to them, and Robert encircled her with his right arm and drew her into his embrace as Ella pressed her face into her mother's neck, letting go of her teddy bear to hug her. "My two sweet girls," Robert murmured, kissing the tops of their heads "I love you both so much, more than anything." Elizabeth tried to muffle her sobs against his shoulder, but both Robert and Ella knew that her tears hadn't stopped. Ella looked up, her bottom lip trembling in worry as if she would soon start crying again, too, and Robert looked down and pressed a gentle kiss onto her nose, a trick that usually made her giggle but now only elicited a small but serious frown. "Ella," he asked gently, "what should we do to make Mommy stop crying?" His question distracted the child for a minute, and she lay her head against his side again to listen to his heartbeat and think of an answer. After a few moments of quiet, broken only by Elizabeth's labored breathing, Ella moved her mouth to Robert's ear to whisper, "Sing." "Oh," he smiled and nodded. "That works best in your room," he added, and easing his arm from under Elizabeth's shoulder, he picked up Ella and started to carry her upstairs. He turned to look at Elizabeth, still sitting on the couch and smiled again, "Well," he encouraged, "You heard her. Come on!"
And so the three of them went upstairs, following the glow of Ella's pink elephant nightlight into her room, where Robert tucked her in carefully while Elizabeth just watched. When he was done, he sat down on the small bed and patted a place next to him for Elizabeth, who sat down, still silent. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her back against his chest so that they were leaning against the headboard, their heads close to Ella's pillow. Robert looked down over Elizabeth's shoulder at the little girl's face. "Well. Name that tune, Ella," he requested with a little smile in his voice.
"Baby James," Ella suggested. And Robert, who usually had to be begged to sing in front of Elizabeth, started the song without hesitation, his voice soft, strong, reassuring to his two teary-eyed listeners. "There was a young cowboy who lived on the range," he began, and despite herself, Elizabeth smiled at the lyrics and the voice. When Robert got to the chorus, Ella hummed along sleepily. "Well, good night you moonlight ladies, rockabye sweet baby James. Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, so won't you let me go down in my dreams. And rockabye sweet baby James." Usually, Robert would cheat a little, skip the other verses and just repeat the chorus and Ella would slip into deep green and blue dreams, but this time, he sang the whole song even after she had drifted off, a lullaby for his other listener. When he was done he let the quiet sink around them and just waited, knowing that he had done everything he could for the moment. And just as he was about to wake Ella up to ask for any other suggestions for making her mommy feel better, Elizabeth turned and kissed him softly on the cheek. "Well thank you, my moonlight lady," he whispered, before they both stood up to tiptoe from Ella's bedroom into their own.
*** When they closed the door behind them, Robert sat down on the bed and Elizabeth went into the bathroom to splash some cool water over her hot cheeks and scratchy eyes. When she was done, she turned off the light but somehow couldn't manage to take another step, and as if too tired to do anything else, she leaned against the doorframe.
"Lizzie," Robert began, his reason now tempered with tenderness, but before he could reason with her, Elizabeth interrupted him. "Robert," she said softly but seriously, looking at him with watery eyes washed a lighter blue than before, "I can't talk about this right now. I just can't." And he nodded, went to her and held her. "Let's go to bed," he suggested after a moment even though it was only nine o'clock. And she nodded back, hoping that the exhaustion that had suddenly enveloped her would allow her a deep and dreamless sleep.
***
Despite their disagreement, their bodies agreed to curl into the curve they always formed to fall asleep, Robert on his back and Elizabeth stretched along his right side with her head resting on his chest. During the night, they would roll away from each other and then at different moments find their way back, often waking up in exactly the position in which they had started. It seemed like they'd always been like this, but Robert smiled at the memory of how much she had resisted spending the night with him at first.
She would come over for dinner and when Ella would inevitably fall asleep on the sofa, he'd try to persuade Elizabeth to stay, only to find himself carrying the sleeping child out to the car and kissing Elizabeth good night in the driveway. When he'd go to her place, they'd put Ella to bed and then go to bed themselves, but in the end she would toss and turn and hint that she'd sleep better alone. He didn't force the issue, but every so often he'd try to leave a sweater or a tie at her house, only to find it later neatly folded on the table by the door so that he wouldn't forget to take it home with him the next time. Oh well, he'd think, we're seeing each other almost every day. I can't ask for much more than this. But he wanted more. He laughed at himself then, a man who had never wanted a wife or a family. Now, he was ready to give up his freedom, his space, his time to spend it cleaning up Ella's high chair or loading the dishwasher with Elizabeth.
Then one night when he hadn't expected to see them, they showed up on his doorstep, Elizabeth looking slightly dazed and Ella looking a bit confused herself. Robert reached out to take Ella from her arms, seeing that Elizabeth was barely able to support her daughter's weight. "Can we stay here tonight?" Elizabeth asked as they walked into the living room together. Robert turned, surprised at the question but also that she would think she'd have to ask. "Okay," he trailed, then joked, "But just tonight!" When Elizabeth didn't laugh he looked at her, but she just shook her head slightly and took Ella back. "I'll put her down in the guest room, then," she stated, and then turned and went to do just that. Robert stood in the doorway, watching Ellizabeth rub her daughter's back and repeat that everything was going to be alright, but the sound of her voice told him she wasn't totally convinced.
When she stood up Robert stood aside, letting her pass. She seemed almost not to notice him until he cleared his throat. "Rough night?" he asked. Elizabeth continued into his kitchen, poured herself a glass of water from the pitcher in the fridge, sat down at the table, and put her head in her hands. "Hey," he said coming up behind her and carefully placing his hand on her shoulder. But he felt her muscles tighten before he could say anything else. Sometimes he wondered if she even liked him. But then he'd think about those moments when they made love, and he knew that when she let go of her doubts, when they both did for that matter, they could open themselves to each other completely.
So he sat down, slid the glass of water over to himself, picked it up and drank half of it. He slid it back to her, and mechanically she picked it up and drank the rest. He got up to get the pitcher, placed it on the table between them, and sat back down. After a stifled sigh, she was ready to talk.
"My house burned down," she said simply. And when he sat speechless, she continued, "The insurance company said they'd pay for the hotel, but it was so late, and Ella was getting tired, and I just thought ." "Elizabeth!" Robert interrupted, "Of course you should be here! What happened? Was anyone hurt?" he spurted leaning toward her with instinctive concern as if to begin examining her for burns or bruises.
"N-no," she inched away and continued, "It happened this afternoon. Chris and Ella were at the park. She called me at work. Chris, I mean. We're all okay. We're fine," she insisted, but suddenly the feelings she'd been holding in all day in front of her daughter, in front of the nieghbors, in front of the firemen, came loose, and her words started coming out like hiccups between sobs, "It's not the house, really, although it was a beautiful house, I came back from England for that house, but it was all of our life inside it, Mark's life, our memories, oh God," and suddenly she put her hand over her mouth as if she shouldn't have said those last words in front of Robert. But strangely he smiled at her, scooted his chair closer and just leaned his head against hers, until their foreheads were touching. They were so close she couldn't see his eyes. "Elizabeth. You'll always have those memories," he said quietly, and she collapsed into him, finally allowing herself to cry and him to comfort her.
The next day Elizabeth went to the insurance agent while Chris played with Ella in Robert's backyard and Robert felt helpless. He'd taken the day off to do something, but there was nothing she'd let him do. So while she was out, he went on-line, found Mark's ex-wife and e-mailed her.
That evening, after a grim and almost silent dinner interrupted only by Ella's giggles at being able to feed her peas to Gretel under the table without the grown-ups seeming to mind, Robert picked up the toddler to wash the doggy drool off of her fingers. "Pyjamas and bed?" he asked Elizabeth as he did. But she smiled and shook her head. "Actually, we're going to the Doubletree. The insurer booked me a suite, and it's close to the hospital." Robert was too surprised to speak for a minute, and the hurt he felt was so sharp that it brought tears to his eyes. He turned back to drying Ella's chubby fingers and to hide his face, but managed in a low voice to say, his back still turned, "You know that's not necessary. You know you can stay here as long as you want." And when he didn't hear a response he added, "You know I like having you two here." Elizabeth rose and stood behind him, wrapping an arm around his neck and kissing his cheek, "We like it here, too, Robert, it's just.... Well, with the nanny and Ella, it's just a lot to ask of you. And besides, Ella and I are independent women. We're used to being on our own." Robert shrugged, accepting momentary defeat, but he was determined to invite her to stay every night until she did.
A week went by of a funny sort of after-dinner dialogue. Sometimes Robert would think he'd won when Elizabeth would let Ella fall asleep on the couch. They would sneak upstairs to the bedroom and make love with an almost panicked intensity as if they didn't know when they would see each other again. "Stay," he would moan as he held her still throbbing body against his, "Stay with me." But Elizabeth would smile and shake her head. "You can have whichever side of the bed you want. I'll make pancakes for breakfast," he cajoled, thinking that bargaining was more manly than begging, but she laughed at him and said, "I like it when you're hungry for me. I want to keep things this way." And Robert groaned in frustration, watching her carefully collect her clothes, her earrings, her shoes and then every one of Ella's things from downstairs before taking the child to the car.
But Robert had a plan. He started with a nightlight, then a music box, then a few stuffed toys, then a mobile with zoo animals all for the upstairs guest room. Ella's room, he thought. The next time she fell asleep on the couch, he carried her up and tucked her in under a new pink patchwork quilt, propping her head against new down pillows. When Elizabeth frowned, he didn't retort. When Elizabeth was ready to leave, she picked up her daughter gently so as not to wake her, but Ella stubbornly clung to the quilt, and as Elizabeth tried to pry her little fists free, the child woke up. "Time to go home, Ella," Elizabeth reminded. "No!" objected the child as Robert tried to mask a smile. "Ella!" Elizabeth warned. "No!" replied the girl and Robert saw very clearly that Ella had inherited all of Elizabeth's stubbornness and then some. "Very well then," Elizabeth tried, "I'm just going home myself. You can stay here. All alone." The threats that usually worked like a charm were somehow not effective in this comfy pink room where Ella did feel right at home. She looked at Robert, who'd come to be a very familiar presence, and asked, "You stay?" He couldn't help but laugh as Elizabeth's cheeks were reddening with anger at being tricked by him in this way. "Alright," she told Ella, "you can sleep here tonight, but just this once, okay. Don't get too comfortable," she warned.
And she stepped out, closed the door three-quarters of the way and glowered at Robert. "You are so low," she began, "using a child in that way." But his quick right hand went for her ribs and he tickled a smile out of her, whispering "Gotcha! Admit it! I finally got my way!" "So you think you're going to have your way with me now too?" Elizabeth replied with an arched eye-brow, barely suppressing a grin. "Hmmm," Robert hummed as his hand moved under her blouse, as he pressed her to him, and backed them into the bedroom.
That night, he savored her. He wanted to show her how good it could be if they could take their time. All night, for instance. And he knew from the sounds she made, the soft moans, the aching, muted cries, the low crooning of his name, that he was pleasing her in new and deeper ways than ever before.
But the next day, after a hurried breakfast, she announced that she had to meet the realtor, to see a house for rent near a good preschool, not too far from an el station. Robert's frowned deepened when she mentioned the name of the el stop, on the other side of town from his house. He choked back his objection, knowing that he could only push her so far. Last night had been an exception to a rule that she seemed to have. A rule about not getting too close too fast. Maybe she'd been watching Oprah, he thought. Maybe it was this codependency thing that he'd kept hearing about on afternoon TV when he'd been channel surfing during the worst days of his recovery. Maybe he should have watched one of those ridiculous shows after all.
That evening, when he got home from work, a package awaited him on the doorstep. He picked it up and put it in a closet that he never used just before Elizabeth and Ella came home.
"How was the house?" he asked, unable to control himself, even though he didn't really want to hear that they had loved it. "Dark. And over- priced. And there are no spaces in that pre-school until Ella's ready for university,"Elizabeth added sourly. "Well, take your time," Robert comforted her, trying not to sound too pleased. And with Ella busily greeting Gretel, Elizabeth edged over to Robert who had been pretending to go through his mail, stood behind him so that her arms could encircle his chest, and leaned in to kiss his ear. "Can we stay here again tonight? Just one more night? I know it's an imposition, but Ella loves the mobile, and..." He turned to her with the bills still in his hand, and muffled her mouth with a kiss which, after its initial intensity, he continued for several minutes, gently nibbling at her lips, sliding his tongue against hers, murmuring little intimate expressions against her mouth as an invitation to the activities they would enjoy later that evening. When he eased away he almost sighed, but quickly covering his satisfaction, he managed to look at the bills and shake his head. "I don't know. I mean you're using a lot of water for those long baths, and..." She playfully swatted the papers out of his hand and hugged him. "What are you making me for dinner?" she teased.
The next morning, as they lay in bed, unable to stop touching each other but knowing that they had to, to get up, get ready, go, Elizabeth finally relented. "If it's all the same to you," she purred, "I could stay here until I find a house. I mean," she gasped as he stroked a particularly sensitive spot underneath her breast with the tip of his tongue, "the bed in the hotel is comfortable, but the room service is not nearly as good as it is here." With that she slid down so that they were eye to eye and so that every other part of their bodies was perfectly aligned, and they made love quickly but thoroughly one last time before she really did have to go.
A few nights later, Elizabeth had to work a late shift. That morning she mentioned it to Robert and asked if he'd be uncomfortable with the nanny staying in the downstairs guest room. He looked at her puzzled. Then swallowed. "Elizabeth. Ella and I will be fine tonight. Without a babysitter. I mean, I'll be the babysitter. If you'll trust me." Elizabeth frowned. Robert and Ella got along well, really well, but all night? What about her bath, what about her lullaby? But then she really heard Robert's last words. He was asking for her trust. Should she tell him that she wasn't quite there yet? Should she hurt him today when tonight or tomorrow at the latest she had to tell him that she'd found a new place to live, that she and Ella would be leaving? "Okay," she agreed, "Okay," and she was rewarded by a wide grin and a deep blush of happiness that spread over Robert's features.
When Elizabeth walked through the front door late that night or rather early the next morning, after a night of phone calls which reassured her while irritating Robert, she was surprised to see him asleep on the couch with scissors and glue and construction paper piled on the coffee table next to him. She sat beside him, reassured not to see any other signs of destruction wreaked by her toddler, and shook his shoulder to wake him. "You fell asleep," she explained to his somewhat confused expression, "over your art project," she teased.
He sat up and stretched a little. At his feet, she noticed something, a corner of a book peeking out from under the sofa, and reached for it. "Not so fast," he scolded, grabbing her hand. But he reached for it himself. "Ella conked out on me at eight, so I had to find something to do. Believe me, scissors and glue can keep a one-armed man busy all night long." He set the red-leather album down on Elizabeth's knees. She opened it to see the first page, a full-sized picture of her and Mark holding baby Ella at the hospital. She gasped. That picture had been destroyed in the fire. She turned the pages to see pictures from her wedding, pictures of Ella's birthdays, pictures of Mark from his youth through the last days of his life. "Where, where?" she asked, a little stunned. "You remember that slightly troublesome teenaged daughter Green has?" Robert said slowly, worried that he had maybe crossed a boundary, done too much. "Robert!" she exclaimed, clutching the album with both hands. He held his breath, scared to say another word. Was she angry, upset? She placed the album down on the coffee table, then, slowly flipped through the pages to a picture of Mark holding a newborn Ella. The shot framed the baby's tiny red body, held delicately by Mark's two hands. "That's my favorite," Elizabeth breathed softly. Then she turned to Robert and kissed him gently, letting her lips rest slightly open against his for a long time before she found the words. "Thank you," she whispered and then stood up, picked up the book carefully with one hand and took Robert's by the other and led him to bed.
And after that night, there was no more talk of her ever leaving again.
His profile was outlined against the white light glowing through the billowing curtain, and she smiled more deeply as she realized that she knew his face by heart. Deepset eyes, strong cheekbones, sweet nose, sensitive mouth, jutting jaw. And those delicate ears. She blinked and when her eyes reopened he was looking into them, meeting her blue gaze with his deep brown one before their lips met in their first kiss of the day.
Hearing Ella chattering to herself in the next room, Robert pulled back but then pressed forward again to kiss Elizabeth hungrily but quickly, already reaching for his pyjama pants, struggling to slip them on as she hung around his neck and kissed him back. Laughing, he ducked out of her embrace to go get her daughter. Their daughter, she thought.
Ella had become Robert's child. The little girl adored and trusted him. He was the person she looked for when the other mommies and daddies picked up their sons and daughters from day care. He was the one who talked to her and listened to her and sang to her and rocked her to sleep and took care of her when she was sick. When Elizabeth would leave for work, she would kiss them both goodbye and never worry that Ella would be lonely or neglected or that Robert would be lonely or neglected for that matter. He obviously loved spending time with the girl, watching her grow, teaching her things, just being with a little being who was totally happy to be with him. Their closeness was something so natural that Elizabeth often had to remind herself that Ella had ever had another father. She had never expected fatherhood to be Robert's forte, but here he was, totally fulfilled by a day spent coloring pictures or making necklaces from macaroni. Alright, he was still very much engaged in his research 3 days per week, but he had hired a former med school buddy to share the grant with him, allowing them both to spend more time with their families.
Family, she sighed. A word that had only ever meant worry and problems and complications and frustrations to Elizabeth was now a word that meant happiness. It was the word she thought of to describe her life. Well, that and passion -- tender, intense, and all-consuming passion -- for the man who made her feel so alive and so loved every minute of the day.
***
Elizabeth's headache would not go away. She had already taken too much ibuprofen, cut out caffeine, indulged in a nap. When Robert had noticed her rubbing her eyes last night he'd pulled her head into his lap to massage her temples. Nothing was working. After three days of dizzy lightheadedness and three nights of insomnia, Elizabeth was in the lounge fighting back tears and thoroughly frustrated at not knowing why.
After all, her life was perfect. She was completely in love with Robert, completely sure of his love for her, completely secure in their love for Ella. Robert totally supported her work, encouraged her to take on challenges but counseled her to take care of herself. And when she forgot to, he took care of her. His house had become her home, filled with music and laughter and conversation. And every night in their bed Robert fulfilled her every desire, satisfying needs that she had not known she had until she met him, opening her body and soul to experiences that she had never shared with anyone else.
What was wrong? she thought, and a horrible, irrational fear gripped at her heart at the memory of Mark's illness and death, but in her last check up a month earlier her GP had given her a clean bill of health. Her blood pressure was regulated by low doses of medication, and Robert made sure that she ate right, exercised and slept enough. It was like having her own personal physician after all. He worried so much about her that Elizabeth barely had to worry about herself. He worried too much really. That's why she'd never told him of her own nagging fear that the fertility treatments she'd had in order to have Ella had caused her blood pressure to rise and could cause more serious problems down the line, but every pap smear and breast exam were fine.
Frustrated with her lack of insight into her own health, Elizabeth stalked out of the lounge and went back to work, giving the nurses particular grief that day and making them wonder whether Romano was rubbing off on her.
***
Later that evening, back at home, Elizabeth let Robert put Ella to bed. While he was busy, she rummaged in the bathroom for a thermometer, and as she was about to place it under her tongue, Robert walked in and caught her in the act. Wordlessly he watched her take her temp and read it, not asking to see but waiting for her to speak. She admitted that it was a little high and he put his hand to her face and then brought his lips to her forehead. "Hmm," he concurred. With his arm around her shoulders, he steered her to the bed, and sat down with her for a minute. "Wait here," he said simply and in a minute he was back with her bag, taking out instruments to listen to her heart and to measure her blood pressure. "Everything's normal," he said with bewilderment. "Of course," she reassured. "Then why do I feel like something's going on? Why do I feel like I should be doing more for you?" he wondered aloud.
Elizabeth laid her head on his shoulder and let him wrap his arm around her. "I'm just worried about you. You seem restless lately," he murmured as he rubbed gentle circles over her back. Slowing this motion, he lowered his whisper so that she almost didn't hear the next question, "Are we okay?"
Fear bolted through her body. The one thing she counted on was that she and Robert were okay. If he doubted that for an instant, her life really was in danger. She jerked her head from his shoulder, stared at him fiercely and asked, "What?"
He looked at her searchingly. "There's just something going on here. I don't understand." And feeling her anxiety as she tightened the grip of her hands on his shoulders, he relented and shook his head. "I'll never understand women. Today Ella spent three hours making invisible hors d'oeuvres for our tea party," he smiled and Elizabeth smiled back at the thought of Robert and Ella's afternoon of imaginary cucumber sandwiches.
He moved closer to her again to kiss a line down her neck and into the curve of her collar bone where her skin was oh so sensitive. Elizabeth was suddenly overwhelmed with longing for him, for them, for the sweet, hot mingling of their lips and tongues, for the slow, rhythmic merging of their bodies. Her fingers flew to unbutton the few buttons on Robert's linen shirt, sliding the fabric over and off of his shoulders before pressing him back onto the bed as her hands moved to unfasten his belt.
***
She had thrown off the sheet, and her body glowed pale in the moonlight that flooded through the window. In the intensity of the evening's activities, they had neglected to draw the curtains. Robert watched her sleep, enraptured by her presence there next to him. After three months of this, he still couldn't believe that Elizabeth was his. That they belonged to each other completely. Her total trust was expressed in the serenity of her sleep, her happiness in the smile that lit her lovely features even then.
He hadn't thought that it would be possible to love her more than he had for all of those years when she was just a dream to him, an impossible fantasy always out of reach. Now that they were together, sharing their lives, now that she reached for him every night and every morning, reality was richer and more fulfilling than any fantasy. Each day he discovered a new happiness. There were weekends when they would stay in their pyjamas all day, reading the newspaper on the living room sofa, Elizabeth's head in his lap, Ella's head in her mother's. There were evenings when they would read Ella bedtime stories together, cuddling their little girl between them, exchanging knowing looks over her soft blond curls as she nodded slowly off to sleep. There were nights when they would make love for hours as if time stood still for them. And the next morning, when Elizabeth would struggle to open her eyes, he would bring her coffee in bed and tickle her with good morning kisses to her ears and neck and shoulders.
He sighed deeply. Something was changing. Something was different. She was distracted. One moment she seemed to need him more urgently than ever and the next she seemed distant, as if she were hiding a secret that even she didn't know herself. He swallowed. Well, if this wasn't what she wanted, he'd have to let her go. If his love was not enough, he'd have to accept his insufficiency. He had given her his whole heart. What more could he give?
*** After spending the morning at her doctor's office, submitting herself to every test they could think of, Elizabeth tried to get on with her day. As trauma after trauma rolled into the ER, she dove into her work, repairing torn vessels, open wounds, damaged organs. When it was all over and she took off her stained gown and sweaty scrubs for a hot shower. She stood under the hot water with her eyes closed, letting the tension wash away when all of the sudden: ouch! She must have fallen asleep because she was jolted awake as her elbow slammed into the tiled wall.
Soon after, when she walked into the dimly lit kitchen Robert stood to greet her, but instead of their usual kiss, he circled his arm around her and pressed her hard to him. His voice sounded like a sob when he said into her ear, "Jan wants you to call her. As soon as you get in."
They both breathed together, waiting until they could each steady themselves before stepping back. Robert's eyes were dark with emotion. Instead of explaining that she'd only gone to see her doctor as a precaution, that the call was probably just to reassure her that nothing was wrong, she took Robert's hand and led him to the living room, sat down on the sofa and pulled him down next to her before reaching for the phone.
Holding the receiver with one hand, Elizabeth held Robert's with the other. His grip was firm and strong. Perhaps tighter than necessary to stop both of their hands from shaking. When she heard Jan's voice, she took a deep breath and answered with carefully conjured informality. "Hi Jan. It's Elizabeth."
When Jan finished, Elizabeth thanked her and pressed the button on the phone to end the call. As she did so, she closed her eyes, not quite ready to look over and meet Robert's intense, expectant gaze.
And despite the fact that patience wasn't his favorite virtue, Robert waited until she was ready to face him. When she did, he didn't ask for an answer but just leaned forward and kissed her, trying to tell her without words that he'd always be there, that he loved her no matter what, that they didn't need to be married for him to stay through sickness as well as health.
This silent sweetness touched her more deeply than any spoken expression of devotion. During all those years with other men, she had never imagined that Robert could be the one she had needed all along. She drew her face away a little to curl her head under his chin and cuddle against him, taking his hand in hers and holding it before raising it to her lips to kiss the strong knuckles and to whisper his name against them. She felt him shift against her, tense in the silence that should have been broken by some sort of explanation, but trying hard not to be the first to speak, trying to let her tell him in her own time.
Elizabeth slid away from him then, off of the sofa and onto the thick carpet at his feet, still holding his hand but now facing him and gazing up into his eyes, her own filled with dazzling tears. She swallowed them back before speaking, trying to find just the right words. But when she looked more closely and saw that Robert too was weeping, she rushed to comfort him with the first words that came to mind. "Hey,"she began, reaching up to touch his cheek, then rocking forward to wrap her arms around him, to draw his head to hers, to whisper kisses into his ear. "There's no reason for us to be crying. We have every reason to be happy. And one new one. We're having a baby."
***
Irrational, primal joy swept through him as he fell to his knees before her. He hugged her hard against him, letting his tears gush and his breath come in ragged sobs of uncontrolled exultation. His entire body shook with the thrill of it, with the knowledge that their love had created a new life, that in the intensity of their adoration, they had forged the strongest and deepest of bonds. His sobs turned into laughter as he drew away to look at her, to recognize the new light behind her wide blue eyes. He touched her face almost not believing that these feelings were real, that deep inside this most beautiful of women lived a tiny being, a child that they had made, a child that they would share. Enthralled by this thought he stared at her, her smiling face looked beatific. She was saying something, but he could barely hear through the surges of strong and as yet unnamed emotions that were crashing through him: pride, tenderness, gratitude, surprise, and fierce protectiveness. Through all of this she was murmuring to him, whispered words like "such a beautiful life together," "the most amazing father," "a new little person for us all to love," when suddenly, through his happy tears he saw behind her on the end- table Elizabeth's prescription blood pressure medication, the light of the lamp glowing orange through the plastic bottle.
***
Elizabeth caught Robert's chin in her hand and turned his face back towards hers, but somehow she couldn't make him meet her eyes. "Hey you," she scolded laughingly, "you'd better say something." But when he didn't she changed her strategy, "You know, I'm as suprised as you are. With Ella it took a year of heavy-duty hormone treatments. With you, I guess my hormones just come naturally," she joked. And when he still didn't speak or even look at her, she softened her tone, "It's okay to be scared. I was, too, the first time. Even after waiting and hoping and planning, it's still a strange and serious thing, this..." she broke off when he shook his chin from her hand to finally look her in the eye.
"You're right, Elizabeth," he said to her, his voice shaky and barely controlled, "I am scared. It scares the hell out of me to think that you're even considering doing this. What about me? For God's sake," he said his voice rising out of control, "What about Ella?" Elizabeth's eyes widened in confusion, hurt by the almost angry tone she was unused to hearing from him. "Robert?" she questioned, not sure what was going on.
"Elizabeth," he reasoned, somehow finding the control he'd lost for a moment. "Your last pregnancy was no piece of cake, if I remember correctly. And now you're forty years old and hypertensive and you want to do it all over again? The risks are just too great here. I can't let you do this. You can't do this."
Shock turned to horror as Elizabeth realized what he was telling her to do. "Oh no?" she found herself objecting, her face contorting in an angry grimace, red blotches appearing on her pale skin. She grabbed the sopha cushion and pulled herself to her feet and then began slowly backing away from where Robert was still kneeling on the floor, as if to escape from what he had just said, as if she could slip away and hide from the truth he'd just told her. Then louder and more firmly, "Don't you ever tell me what I can and cannot do. Don't you ever presume to tell me," but her last words were already sobs that she couldn't quite contain. Her shoulders had begun to shake, and she grabbed the back of an armchair to still herself. Robert sprung to his feet to go to her when a little sound behind him stopped him in his tracks. A little whimper from the bottom of the stairs where Ella stood in her pyjamas with a teddy bear clutched under one arm and tears welling in her eyes.
Torn for a moment between the two women he loved, Robert sat down on the sofa and held out his arm for Ella who ran to him and curled up against his left side. They both looked at Elizabeth in silence which was broken by a little gulp and then Ella's whisper to Robert, "Mommy's crying." Without taking his eyes off of Elizabeth, he whispered back, "I know, Ella. Let's tell her to come over to us so that we can make her feel better." And dutifully Ella implored, "Come here, Mommy." Robert just looked at Elizabeth bessechingly while she stood looking down at the floor with huge tears rolling down her cheeks and off of the tip of her nose.
Suddenly, without looking up, Elizabeth went to them, and Robert encircled her with his right arm and drew her into his embrace as Ella pressed her face into her mother's neck, letting go of her teddy bear to hug her. "My two sweet girls," Robert murmured, kissing the tops of their heads "I love you both so much, more than anything." Elizabeth tried to muffle her sobs against his shoulder, but both Robert and Ella knew that her tears hadn't stopped. Ella looked up, her bottom lip trembling in worry as if she would soon start crying again, too, and Robert looked down and pressed a gentle kiss onto her nose, a trick that usually made her giggle but now only elicited a small but serious frown. "Ella," he asked gently, "what should we do to make Mommy stop crying?" His question distracted the child for a minute, and she lay her head against his side again to listen to his heartbeat and think of an answer. After a few moments of quiet, broken only by Elizabeth's labored breathing, Ella moved her mouth to Robert's ear to whisper, "Sing." "Oh," he smiled and nodded. "That works best in your room," he added, and easing his arm from under Elizabeth's shoulder, he picked up Ella and started to carry her upstairs. He turned to look at Elizabeth, still sitting on the couch and smiled again, "Well," he encouraged, "You heard her. Come on!"
And so the three of them went upstairs, following the glow of Ella's pink elephant nightlight into her room, where Robert tucked her in carefully while Elizabeth just watched. When he was done, he sat down on the small bed and patted a place next to him for Elizabeth, who sat down, still silent. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her back against his chest so that they were leaning against the headboard, their heads close to Ella's pillow. Robert looked down over Elizabeth's shoulder at the little girl's face. "Well. Name that tune, Ella," he requested with a little smile in his voice.
"Baby James," Ella suggested. And Robert, who usually had to be begged to sing in front of Elizabeth, started the song without hesitation, his voice soft, strong, reassuring to his two teary-eyed listeners. "There was a young cowboy who lived on the range," he began, and despite herself, Elizabeth smiled at the lyrics and the voice. When Robert got to the chorus, Ella hummed along sleepily. "Well, good night you moonlight ladies, rockabye sweet baby James. Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, so won't you let me go down in my dreams. And rockabye sweet baby James." Usually, Robert would cheat a little, skip the other verses and just repeat the chorus and Ella would slip into deep green and blue dreams, but this time, he sang the whole song even after she had drifted off, a lullaby for his other listener. When he was done he let the quiet sink around them and just waited, knowing that he had done everything he could for the moment. And just as he was about to wake Ella up to ask for any other suggestions for making her mommy feel better, Elizabeth turned and kissed him softly on the cheek. "Well thank you, my moonlight lady," he whispered, before they both stood up to tiptoe from Ella's bedroom into their own.
*** When they closed the door behind them, Robert sat down on the bed and Elizabeth went into the bathroom to splash some cool water over her hot cheeks and scratchy eyes. When she was done, she turned off the light but somehow couldn't manage to take another step, and as if too tired to do anything else, she leaned against the doorframe.
"Lizzie," Robert began, his reason now tempered with tenderness, but before he could reason with her, Elizabeth interrupted him. "Robert," she said softly but seriously, looking at him with watery eyes washed a lighter blue than before, "I can't talk about this right now. I just can't." And he nodded, went to her and held her. "Let's go to bed," he suggested after a moment even though it was only nine o'clock. And she nodded back, hoping that the exhaustion that had suddenly enveloped her would allow her a deep and dreamless sleep.
***
Despite their disagreement, their bodies agreed to curl into the curve they always formed to fall asleep, Robert on his back and Elizabeth stretched along his right side with her head resting on his chest. During the night, they would roll away from each other and then at different moments find their way back, often waking up in exactly the position in which they had started. It seemed like they'd always been like this, but Robert smiled at the memory of how much she had resisted spending the night with him at first.
She would come over for dinner and when Ella would inevitably fall asleep on the sofa, he'd try to persuade Elizabeth to stay, only to find himself carrying the sleeping child out to the car and kissing Elizabeth good night in the driveway. When he'd go to her place, they'd put Ella to bed and then go to bed themselves, but in the end she would toss and turn and hint that she'd sleep better alone. He didn't force the issue, but every so often he'd try to leave a sweater or a tie at her house, only to find it later neatly folded on the table by the door so that he wouldn't forget to take it home with him the next time. Oh well, he'd think, we're seeing each other almost every day. I can't ask for much more than this. But he wanted more. He laughed at himself then, a man who had never wanted a wife or a family. Now, he was ready to give up his freedom, his space, his time to spend it cleaning up Ella's high chair or loading the dishwasher with Elizabeth.
Then one night when he hadn't expected to see them, they showed up on his doorstep, Elizabeth looking slightly dazed and Ella looking a bit confused herself. Robert reached out to take Ella from her arms, seeing that Elizabeth was barely able to support her daughter's weight. "Can we stay here tonight?" Elizabeth asked as they walked into the living room together. Robert turned, surprised at the question but also that she would think she'd have to ask. "Okay," he trailed, then joked, "But just tonight!" When Elizabeth didn't laugh he looked at her, but she just shook her head slightly and took Ella back. "I'll put her down in the guest room, then," she stated, and then turned and went to do just that. Robert stood in the doorway, watching Ellizabeth rub her daughter's back and repeat that everything was going to be alright, but the sound of her voice told him she wasn't totally convinced.
When she stood up Robert stood aside, letting her pass. She seemed almost not to notice him until he cleared his throat. "Rough night?" he asked. Elizabeth continued into his kitchen, poured herself a glass of water from the pitcher in the fridge, sat down at the table, and put her head in her hands. "Hey," he said coming up behind her and carefully placing his hand on her shoulder. But he felt her muscles tighten before he could say anything else. Sometimes he wondered if she even liked him. But then he'd think about those moments when they made love, and he knew that when she let go of her doubts, when they both did for that matter, they could open themselves to each other completely.
So he sat down, slid the glass of water over to himself, picked it up and drank half of it. He slid it back to her, and mechanically she picked it up and drank the rest. He got up to get the pitcher, placed it on the table between them, and sat back down. After a stifled sigh, she was ready to talk.
"My house burned down," she said simply. And when he sat speechless, she continued, "The insurance company said they'd pay for the hotel, but it was so late, and Ella was getting tired, and I just thought ." "Elizabeth!" Robert interrupted, "Of course you should be here! What happened? Was anyone hurt?" he spurted leaning toward her with instinctive concern as if to begin examining her for burns or bruises.
"N-no," she inched away and continued, "It happened this afternoon. Chris and Ella were at the park. She called me at work. Chris, I mean. We're all okay. We're fine," she insisted, but suddenly the feelings she'd been holding in all day in front of her daughter, in front of the nieghbors, in front of the firemen, came loose, and her words started coming out like hiccups between sobs, "It's not the house, really, although it was a beautiful house, I came back from England for that house, but it was all of our life inside it, Mark's life, our memories, oh God," and suddenly she put her hand over her mouth as if she shouldn't have said those last words in front of Robert. But strangely he smiled at her, scooted his chair closer and just leaned his head against hers, until their foreheads were touching. They were so close she couldn't see his eyes. "Elizabeth. You'll always have those memories," he said quietly, and she collapsed into him, finally allowing herself to cry and him to comfort her.
The next day Elizabeth went to the insurance agent while Chris played with Ella in Robert's backyard and Robert felt helpless. He'd taken the day off to do something, but there was nothing she'd let him do. So while she was out, he went on-line, found Mark's ex-wife and e-mailed her.
That evening, after a grim and almost silent dinner interrupted only by Ella's giggles at being able to feed her peas to Gretel under the table without the grown-ups seeming to mind, Robert picked up the toddler to wash the doggy drool off of her fingers. "Pyjamas and bed?" he asked Elizabeth as he did. But she smiled and shook her head. "Actually, we're going to the Doubletree. The insurer booked me a suite, and it's close to the hospital." Robert was too surprised to speak for a minute, and the hurt he felt was so sharp that it brought tears to his eyes. He turned back to drying Ella's chubby fingers and to hide his face, but managed in a low voice to say, his back still turned, "You know that's not necessary. You know you can stay here as long as you want." And when he didn't hear a response he added, "You know I like having you two here." Elizabeth rose and stood behind him, wrapping an arm around his neck and kissing his cheek, "We like it here, too, Robert, it's just.... Well, with the nanny and Ella, it's just a lot to ask of you. And besides, Ella and I are independent women. We're used to being on our own." Robert shrugged, accepting momentary defeat, but he was determined to invite her to stay every night until she did.
A week went by of a funny sort of after-dinner dialogue. Sometimes Robert would think he'd won when Elizabeth would let Ella fall asleep on the couch. They would sneak upstairs to the bedroom and make love with an almost panicked intensity as if they didn't know when they would see each other again. "Stay," he would moan as he held her still throbbing body against his, "Stay with me." But Elizabeth would smile and shake her head. "You can have whichever side of the bed you want. I'll make pancakes for breakfast," he cajoled, thinking that bargaining was more manly than begging, but she laughed at him and said, "I like it when you're hungry for me. I want to keep things this way." And Robert groaned in frustration, watching her carefully collect her clothes, her earrings, her shoes and then every one of Ella's things from downstairs before taking the child to the car.
But Robert had a plan. He started with a nightlight, then a music box, then a few stuffed toys, then a mobile with zoo animals all for the upstairs guest room. Ella's room, he thought. The next time she fell asleep on the couch, he carried her up and tucked her in under a new pink patchwork quilt, propping her head against new down pillows. When Elizabeth frowned, he didn't retort. When Elizabeth was ready to leave, she picked up her daughter gently so as not to wake her, but Ella stubbornly clung to the quilt, and as Elizabeth tried to pry her little fists free, the child woke up. "Time to go home, Ella," Elizabeth reminded. "No!" objected the child as Robert tried to mask a smile. "Ella!" Elizabeth warned. "No!" replied the girl and Robert saw very clearly that Ella had inherited all of Elizabeth's stubbornness and then some. "Very well then," Elizabeth tried, "I'm just going home myself. You can stay here. All alone." The threats that usually worked like a charm were somehow not effective in this comfy pink room where Ella did feel right at home. She looked at Robert, who'd come to be a very familiar presence, and asked, "You stay?" He couldn't help but laugh as Elizabeth's cheeks were reddening with anger at being tricked by him in this way. "Alright," she told Ella, "you can sleep here tonight, but just this once, okay. Don't get too comfortable," she warned.
And she stepped out, closed the door three-quarters of the way and glowered at Robert. "You are so low," she began, "using a child in that way." But his quick right hand went for her ribs and he tickled a smile out of her, whispering "Gotcha! Admit it! I finally got my way!" "So you think you're going to have your way with me now too?" Elizabeth replied with an arched eye-brow, barely suppressing a grin. "Hmmm," Robert hummed as his hand moved under her blouse, as he pressed her to him, and backed them into the bedroom.
That night, he savored her. He wanted to show her how good it could be if they could take their time. All night, for instance. And he knew from the sounds she made, the soft moans, the aching, muted cries, the low crooning of his name, that he was pleasing her in new and deeper ways than ever before.
But the next day, after a hurried breakfast, she announced that she had to meet the realtor, to see a house for rent near a good preschool, not too far from an el station. Robert's frowned deepened when she mentioned the name of the el stop, on the other side of town from his house. He choked back his objection, knowing that he could only push her so far. Last night had been an exception to a rule that she seemed to have. A rule about not getting too close too fast. Maybe she'd been watching Oprah, he thought. Maybe it was this codependency thing that he'd kept hearing about on afternoon TV when he'd been channel surfing during the worst days of his recovery. Maybe he should have watched one of those ridiculous shows after all.
That evening, when he got home from work, a package awaited him on the doorstep. He picked it up and put it in a closet that he never used just before Elizabeth and Ella came home.
"How was the house?" he asked, unable to control himself, even though he didn't really want to hear that they had loved it. "Dark. And over- priced. And there are no spaces in that pre-school until Ella's ready for university,"Elizabeth added sourly. "Well, take your time," Robert comforted her, trying not to sound too pleased. And with Ella busily greeting Gretel, Elizabeth edged over to Robert who had been pretending to go through his mail, stood behind him so that her arms could encircle his chest, and leaned in to kiss his ear. "Can we stay here again tonight? Just one more night? I know it's an imposition, but Ella loves the mobile, and..." He turned to her with the bills still in his hand, and muffled her mouth with a kiss which, after its initial intensity, he continued for several minutes, gently nibbling at her lips, sliding his tongue against hers, murmuring little intimate expressions against her mouth as an invitation to the activities they would enjoy later that evening. When he eased away he almost sighed, but quickly covering his satisfaction, he managed to look at the bills and shake his head. "I don't know. I mean you're using a lot of water for those long baths, and..." She playfully swatted the papers out of his hand and hugged him. "What are you making me for dinner?" she teased.
The next morning, as they lay in bed, unable to stop touching each other but knowing that they had to, to get up, get ready, go, Elizabeth finally relented. "If it's all the same to you," she purred, "I could stay here until I find a house. I mean," she gasped as he stroked a particularly sensitive spot underneath her breast with the tip of his tongue, "the bed in the hotel is comfortable, but the room service is not nearly as good as it is here." With that she slid down so that they were eye to eye and so that every other part of their bodies was perfectly aligned, and they made love quickly but thoroughly one last time before she really did have to go.
A few nights later, Elizabeth had to work a late shift. That morning she mentioned it to Robert and asked if he'd be uncomfortable with the nanny staying in the downstairs guest room. He looked at her puzzled. Then swallowed. "Elizabeth. Ella and I will be fine tonight. Without a babysitter. I mean, I'll be the babysitter. If you'll trust me." Elizabeth frowned. Robert and Ella got along well, really well, but all night? What about her bath, what about her lullaby? But then she really heard Robert's last words. He was asking for her trust. Should she tell him that she wasn't quite there yet? Should she hurt him today when tonight or tomorrow at the latest she had to tell him that she'd found a new place to live, that she and Ella would be leaving? "Okay," she agreed, "Okay," and she was rewarded by a wide grin and a deep blush of happiness that spread over Robert's features.
When Elizabeth walked through the front door late that night or rather early the next morning, after a night of phone calls which reassured her while irritating Robert, she was surprised to see him asleep on the couch with scissors and glue and construction paper piled on the coffee table next to him. She sat beside him, reassured not to see any other signs of destruction wreaked by her toddler, and shook his shoulder to wake him. "You fell asleep," she explained to his somewhat confused expression, "over your art project," she teased.
He sat up and stretched a little. At his feet, she noticed something, a corner of a book peeking out from under the sofa, and reached for it. "Not so fast," he scolded, grabbing her hand. But he reached for it himself. "Ella conked out on me at eight, so I had to find something to do. Believe me, scissors and glue can keep a one-armed man busy all night long." He set the red-leather album down on Elizabeth's knees. She opened it to see the first page, a full-sized picture of her and Mark holding baby Ella at the hospital. She gasped. That picture had been destroyed in the fire. She turned the pages to see pictures from her wedding, pictures of Ella's birthdays, pictures of Mark from his youth through the last days of his life. "Where, where?" she asked, a little stunned. "You remember that slightly troublesome teenaged daughter Green has?" Robert said slowly, worried that he had maybe crossed a boundary, done too much. "Robert!" she exclaimed, clutching the album with both hands. He held his breath, scared to say another word. Was she angry, upset? She placed the album down on the coffee table, then, slowly flipped through the pages to a picture of Mark holding a newborn Ella. The shot framed the baby's tiny red body, held delicately by Mark's two hands. "That's my favorite," Elizabeth breathed softly. Then she turned to Robert and kissed him gently, letting her lips rest slightly open against his for a long time before she found the words. "Thank you," she whispered and then stood up, picked up the book carefully with one hand and took Robert's by the other and led him to bed.
And after that night, there was no more talk of her ever leaving again.