Author's notes:
-It's is a one-shot, so this's all there is... or not. I ended up writing a companion piece, "Time Goes On".
-As of 6/15/05, I tweaked a sentence or two in an attempt to clarify who was speaking.
-The basic drill: It's Taito angst. If you don't like male/male pairings, don't read it! If you don't like angst, don't read it! If you don't like Digimon... why are you here?
Time After Time
—
"I don't want to ruin our friendship."
The words are so common… almost clichéd. But yet, they're very real. They haunt me constantly. Because… I'm afraid to know what will happen if I tell him. I'm in love with my best friend, but I don't want to ruin our friendship.
I can't remember when exactly I fell in love with him. We were eleven when we met, and I hated him at first. We had become best friends soon after, and now, six years later, I feel that I loved him ever since I first set eyes on him.
He's beautiful. His body, his hair, his eyes, his mouth, his shoulders, his hips… and his smiles… I do everything I can to make him happy, just so that I can see him smile. I live for his smiles and his laughter. I find his laughter to be the most beautiful, musical thing I've ever heard.
And that is why I can't tell him. I don't want to lose his smiles and his laughter. I don't want to lose him. And I don't want to make him sad. Sure, we fight a lot, but I would die inside if I ever made him cry. More than anything, I wish for his happiness. Even if these feelings eventually fade, he shall always have a more special place in my heart than anyone else.
Perhaps if I were brave like him, I would let him know how much I love him. But I am weak and afraid. So I shall continue to love him from a distance… always from a distance.
I can never tell him. I don't want to ruin our friendship.
I said goodbye to him today.
I'm staying in Odaiba, and he's going to college in another city. Today was the last time we'll see each other for a while; he won't be coming back home to visit for few months. I wish we could've gone to the same college, but it would have been foolish of him to refuse the scholarship he was offered. He has such a bright future… so bright that I cannot hope to follow him.
This will be the first time we've been apart for more than a few days without seeing each other. I know I'm just imagining things, but it feels like I'll never see him again. A month or two really isn't that much time, but… right now, it feels like an eternity. For me, time passes more slowly when he's not around.
I want to tell him more than ever. I want to scream out at the top of my lungs that I love him with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul. But now I have even more reason to keep silent. I don't want to lose what little time I will be able to spend with him.
In a perfect world, I would be able to tell him, and he would tell me he felt the same way. But this world is far from perfect.
He came to my graduation today.
I honestly hadn't expected to see him there, and I almost didn't recognize him. He looks so different from the last time I saw him, two years ago. He's grown even more beautiful and vibrant, but I haven't changed a bit. I'm the same as I was when we parted ways four years ago, and I'm still too scared to tell him.
We're both so busy that we rarely get the chance to talk any more, so we went out to eat and catch up. He told me about everything in his life now, ranging from the professors at his college to the contract he'd just signed. He said he has a girlfriend now and told me that he'll bring her to Odaiba next time so that I can meet her. I don't want to know the girl who can freely tell him the words that I cannot, but I told him I would love to meet her in order to make him happy.
Despite being apart for so long, my love for him has not faded. I have long since realized that I will never have the courage to tell him, so I am not hurt that the one he loves is someone other than myself. He looked so happy when he talked about her… As long as he is happy, that is enough for me. I can ask for nothing else.
He is getting married today.
I can't remember his fiancée's name, but her name is not important. What is important is that he has found the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and it's not me.
I am still in love with him. I have told myself time after time that his happiness is enough for me… that I shall be happy as long as he is. I had decided long ago that I could not tell him I love him, and I knew that we would never be lovers. I knew that he would not see me the same way. And now, he's getting married. I know I should be happy for him, but it still hurts.
He had asked me to be best man at his wedding. I could never refuse anything he asked me, and he is still my best friend, so of course I had agreed. So now I stand next to him in the church as I watch him pledge his love and life to a woman I don't even remember the name of.
In my dreams, it is I to whom he is pledging his everything. But those dreams shall never be a reality.
Perhaps things would have been different if I had ever told him. More likely, though, things would have been the same, but there would be someone else standing next to him as best man.
I didn't ruin our friendship.
He is gone.
The funeral ended hours ago, and the grave has been finished. The stone marker is cold and lifeless… It is nothing like him. He was always so outgoing, so full of life… I silently read the words on the stone over and over. "Yagami Taichi, beloved friend and husband."
I cannot seem to find the strength to leave the graveyard, so I sit down in front of the cold gravestone, my eyes starting to water. While he was alive, I had never been able to tell him that I loved him in fear that I would lose him. But I lost him anyway, and now he is gone forever. I can never tell him; I can only whisper at unfeeling stone words that were too late.
I hear footsteps approaching, so I quickly wipe my eyes and stand. His wife has returned with more flowers, their young son clinging to her black skirt. He is a beautiful child… the splitting image of his father, right down to wild nature of his hair and the tiny hints of gold in his dark eyes.
"Hello Yamato," his wife says, smiling sadly. I try to return her smile, but I can't seem to be able to. She lays the flowers on his grave and scoops their child into her arms. "I don't think little Matt understands what happened."
I reach out and tousle the child's hair. I had been surprised when Taichi had told me that he was going to name his son after me, and I protested. He had only been slightly swayed by my protests, so he gave his son the name my friends called me when we were children.
"He'll understand in time," I say. "I think he's luckier than us, though, to not understand."
"Perhaps," she responds. She is silent for a long moment before she says, "I want to tell you something. Taichi had asked me not to tell you, but… I think you have the right to know. Back when we were still dating in college, he admitted that I was the first girl he'd ever loved, but I was not his first love. He said that for years, he had been in love with his best friend, but that he didn't want to ruin their friendship. You have always been very important to him, Yamato."
I don't know what to say to her. She smiles at me again and excuses herself, saying that she needs to go home.
Long minutes pass, perhaps even hours as I stand with my back facing the gravestone. Even now after it's too late, it is the most difficult thing I've ever tried to say. Finally gathering enough courage, I turn towards the stone.
"Taichi," I say softly, smiling weakly as a single tear runs down my cheek. "I love you. I always have. I always will."
Alone in a sunset-colored graveyard, I have finally told him.
"I will love you forever."