Alone Chapter 3

Who knew that starting a conversation with someone you've known for the better part of a decade could be so difficult? I invited him over to my apartment with the sole intention of talking about what's been going on lately and that's proven to be a lot more challenging than it seems.

We've gotten all of the formalities out of the way—dinner, drinks and the obligatory conversation about his kids. Now all that's left is what we've come here to do: the discussion both of us have been dreading. Neither one of us wants to be the one to start it, but we both know that there are things that have to be said before our relationship gets really ugly.

Since he's suddenly found my gray carpet exceptionally interesting, it appears that I'm going to have to be the one to get the ball rolling. I swallow hard and tuck my feet up beneath me in my corner of the couch. I hesitate a few moments more than I intended before finally conjuring up the courage to speak. "Elliot, as much as I love spending time with you, you do realize that's not the only reason I invited you over tonight, right?"

He tears his eyes away from the carpeting and looks at me and nods. "Yeah, I was pretty sure that you had an agenda. Even though I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with it yet."

"Now's as good a time as any, El. You and I both know that we can't keep going the way we have been for the last few weeks. Neither one of us is happy and in our line of work, that translates into safety. And I'm certainly not going to be happy if I have to explain to your kids when you get hurt on the job."

"I know, Liv. We do have to talk about some things—hell, everything that's happened lately. We need to get back to where we were before this whole mess started," he explained to me. I wondered briefly why he was bothering to tell me things I already knew; things that I'm pretty sure I've told him in the very recent past, but then I realized that I already knew. It's his way of gearing up to share what he really doesn't want to; that's something I've known for years.

"This isn't going to be an easy conversation by any stretch of the imagination, El, but I'm relieved that we both appreciate the necessity." I knew that it was now or never; I've never been good at telling anyone my feelings about anything, but if I didn't make an exception in this case, things might never change.

"I'm going to be perfectly honest with you, Elliot. When Scarry made her little 'announcement', I was shocked. The shock didn't last for very long, because the hurt settled in pretty quickly. I couldn't believe that I found out about something so important in my partner's, hell, my best friend's life from a loud-mouthed defense attorney. Then I found myself getting annoyed and confused by my feelings: did I even have the right to be hurt by this? Or should I just chalk it up to the right to keep your private life out of work?"

"Olivia, I never meant to hurt you—"

I held up my hand to stop him. "Please, let me finish before you say anything. If you stop me now, I may never get this out and I need to tell you all of this." He didn't say a word, just nodded slowly once and continued to look me in the eye.

"After our brief conversation in the hallway, you made it clear that you didn't want to talk to me about it. I thought that if I gave you some time to figure out what was going on with your situation, you'd eventually come to me and tell me what's going on. I realize now that was the complete wrong thing to do. You know how things went downhill from there.

"I need to apologize for a lot of the things I've said to you lately. You don't need me being a bitch to you with all that's happening. I'm sorry about the nasty comments I've made in the last few weeks; honestly, I don't know what's gotten into me. You know it's not my style to fight dirty, especially with you. I just need you to know that I'm here for you, in whatever capacity you need me, but I can't help you unless you let me."

When I looked into his eyes after I'd finally gotten everything off my chest, I was surprised to see tiny tears there. I knew he'd never let them fall, but somehow, just seeing them there made me feel even worse than before we'd started this thing.

"Liv," he started as he took my hand and held it between his. "You know that the last thing I'd ever do intentionally is hurt you. What happened between Kathy and me has been coming for a long time and even though I know that, it doesn't make dealing with it any easier."

"Really? I'd always thought you two had a good marriage. You've always seemed happy when I've seen the two of you together."

He sighed and started absentmindedly running his thumb along the top of my hand. "Yeah, well, we fooled a lot of people for a long time, including ourselves. There were a lot of things that contributed to this, one of which is my job."

"Elliot, you could cut back on your caseload; see a therapist. There must be something you haven't tried yet," I suggested.

He shook his head at all of my suggestions. "Liv, we've been to a marriage counselor and even if I did cut back on my caseload, it wouldn't help. I still wouldn't talk to her about what I see everyday. She wants me to be able to come home every night and tell her about my day and I just can't do it. I can't tell her about what we see and she doesn't understand why. I can't tell you how many fights we've had over that same stupid topic. It's hard enough seeing it all day at work, but coming home and relaying what I've seen to my family? I'd rather not.

"Besides all that, we've grown apart. We married young and grew up four kids and twenty years later. Things have changed. I'm not sure either one of us was really ready to get married when we did, but we didn't have much of a choice, with Maureen being on the way."

"Elliot, I know that you didn't marry Kathy just because she was pregnant. I know you better than that. You and I both know you would have married her either way," I said as I squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"You're right—I would have, but I think things would have been different. I'll never regret having any of my children, but I'll always wonder what it would have been like to be a newlywed couple without a pregnant belly between us. From the time I got out of the service, I've been working my ass off to make sure there's a roof over our heads and food on the table, but now it seems like it was all for nothing, Liv," he explained as he hung his head in defeat.

"Hey, it was not for nothing, El. Your kids know how much you love them and how hard you work to provide for them. Maybe you're not always home, but they know that your work not only puts food on the table, but makes the world a safer place. Every time I look at them, I can see it in their eyes. They are proud that you are their father."

"So proud they left with Kathy, Olivia?" he retorted.

"What choice did they have, Elliot? Stay at the house alone or go with their mother? There's not much of a choice there, Elliot, and you know that."

"I've never dreaded going home before, Liv. I hate that I don't even want to be in my own house. It's just too damn depressing to even be there. I can't even sleep when I'm there; too many 'what ifs' swimming around in my head."

"You know you can crash here whenever you want, partner. Hell, my couch has a permanent imprint of your ass you spend so much time on it. You're always welcome here, any time."

He smiled for the first time since we'd started this emotionally taxing conversation and I returned the gesture. "How 'bout you spend the night? Maybe you'll actually get some real sleep."

He nodded and said, "I'd like that a lot."

"Good. Let me get some stuff to fix up the couch for you then," I said. As I started to get up, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down onto the couch.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I should have told you, even though I wasn't ready. It's something you needed to know—especially in our line of work. I'm sorry you had to hear it from Scarry, you deserve better than that from me. And just so you know, you have every right to feel all of those emotions you did. It just makes you human."

I reached over and wrapped my arms around him. We stayed that way for a few moments, reveling in the sensation. "I'm sorry too, Elliot—for the separation, for my actions and for waiting this long to talk about it. I let my feelings get in the way of our relationship and I'm sorry. This can't work if we keep shutting each other out when the shit hits the fan. I need to know that you'll come to me when something important happens in your life—good, bad or ugly."

"I promise that I will come to you, even if it is a few days after the fact. I've managed to screw up one relationship in my life and I'll be damned if I do it to another. I just need you to make me the same promise."

"Yeah, partner, I promise." This is one of those promises that I'm certain both of us intend to keep.