Drowning: Chapter 9

Revelation and Devotion

Pairings: 1xR, 2xH, 4xOC

Quatre's POV

Warnings: swearing

Notes:  thank you to all my readers and reviewers.  Without you guys I wouldn't do this...ok that's a lie.  I would still write but it wouldn't be nearly as fun! 

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs to...other people

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Every step I took was difficult. The wind seemed intent on tearing me down, flinging harsh sand against my cheeks that cut against me like tiny knives. More oppressive than the sinking sands beneath my sandals or the sharp sands digging into my skin was the unmerciful sun.

I was drawn to it. Utterly and absolutely obsessed with looking into the sun's destructive light. You can't look at the sun in space. It would blind you instantaneously. I could stand to look at the sun on Earth though. Even if it was only for a few seconds before my eyes begin to blur with pain.

People think the desert is empty. It is far from that. Everywhere there is movement. Everywhere death is waiting with a thousand different faces, shrieking in a thousand long forgotten tongues. And yet, there is such beauty too. Such terrible beauty. Seductive. Graceful. Powerful.

I had never been so humbled in my life; that first day I had set foot on the planet. Space may sing, but Earth groans with massive power. A mother giving birth and seeing her children die millions of times every second.

I was overcome with emotion that day. I barely remember the battle that occurred or rejoining the Maganacs. I remember feeling like a part of me that had been missing was suddenly found. I remember being overwhelmed by the alien feel of the planet beneath my feet, in my eyes, in every breath I took. I remember feeling very alone though I was surrounded by friends. I remember feeling very young and very old all at once.

I had come from the stars to a strange world to save my people. And I was more alien to the people on that planet than just a difference in skin and hair and eyes. I looked into their souls and I couldn't understand them.

It wasn't until I found the others pilots that the horror of discovering my terrifying uniqueness began to dissipate. Oh, I had always known I was different. But in space, the difference mattered so much less. Already, the people there were well on their way to becoming as I was and am. On Earth the difference was so great it was like looking at the rest of humanity from the other side of a massive canyon. And rather than seeing them as the primitive, the old, the thing of the past, they made me seem the elder, ageless, as though my kind had always been there and humans were the novel ones, so fresh and full of life.

It was only in the other pilots that I recognized myself. My determinedness, my strength of character, my need to have a purpose, and my strangeness.

There was Trowa, who I connected with the instant I came in contact with him. A boy born and raised on Earth in horrific conditions, constantly surrounded by blood and death, who moved with the grace and rhythm of space.

Duo. The wisecracking, enthusiastic American colonist who, like me, was a stranger to the planet. His wicked smile and love for life cut through like the brightest stars and embodied the youth and adventure that still lived in all those who left behind the solid Earth to live amongst those selfsame stars.

Wufei I wouldn't meet until later. Wufei carried with him all the traditions and fierce pride of a long forgotten age on a no longer familiar planet. He always carried with him the fiery nature of a race of explorers and risk takers who never looked back.

Then there was Heero. Heero who I later came to realize was the Heart of Outer Space. He was the will and desires and hopes of a people so downtrodden they couldn't even find themselves. A people that threw away it's children to the gods of suffering and fires and indescribable torment just for one last struggling grasp at the humanness that was leaving them behind. Heero was all these things. Brutal and loving. Mysterious and completely familiar. Human and something beyond human.

Now whenever I return to the desert I think of them, my brothers who are my brothers not by blood but by soul. I think of them because they are always with me, in my mind and heart at all hours of the day. They are the sand beneath my feet, the wind on my cheek, the sun in my eyes. They burn more brightly within me than any supernova, and I can't help but love them.

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"Oi! Pass the peanut butter will ya?" Duo practically yells across the kitchen.

"Maxwell, you have the manners of an ape," Wufei retorts, still holding the plastic jar filled with super chunky peanut butter.

"Puuullllleaaaassssseee Wufie!" Duo whines.

"It's Wufei! Just for that I won't give you any!"

"Fine! I don't need any of your stinkin' peanut butter. And neither does Quatre. Right Cat?" Duo turns to me and I understand him perfectly.

"It's ok Wufei," I say meekly, "You keep the peanut butter. I guess I just won't have anything to eat right now. No, no! I'm fine, really. I'm sure the dizziness will pass in a few minutes..."

That and a soft little sigh are all that it takes for Wufei to relent and soon Duo and I are crunching away on peanut butter and honey sandwiches.

It's just the five of us all crowded around my wooden kitchen table. I love this table. It has so much history. That's where Noya dropped the hot tea kettle and burned a mark into the smooth finish. That's where Maryam broke off a bit of the edge of the table when she tried to whack Zulema across the head with a rolling pin. Over there's where Kadira, Jala, Nafeeze, and Altair used to sit and play cards after a stressful day at the company while us youngest siblings played amidst their feet. There are so many memories tied to this table. It only seems right that the five of us should all be here together; our only responsibility is to being ourselves and nothing more. Here is where I'm comfortable and happy.

"Hey Quatre..." Trowa says lifting an eyebrow and inclining his head a little toward the honey. I think I have him hooked on the stuff. He's already had four sandwiches that consisted of only bread and honey.

"Do you just want a spoon?" I ask him, getting up to get one out of the silverware drawer. I'm rewarded with a small blush that creeps over his face. With the spoon he digs out a huge messy glob of honey and proceeds to stick the entire spoon into his mouth at once. He's almost humming he's so happy. It's kind of endearing to know that behind his tough exterior he has guilty pleasures.

I already know what Heero's guilty pleasure is. He's currently working on it at the moment. Rocky Road ice cream with double marshmallows. He always eats it the same way too. First the whole bowl gets mixed up so that it's all a mass of half melted, goopy ice cream. Then, once all the marshmallows are completely saturated in it they're all pushed to the side to be eaten after the rest. Saving the best for last I suppose.

I guess it's really true that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. For us, at least, food has always been very important. Most of us were never allowed to indulge in such foods and in Duo's case there wasn't much of any kind of food to indulge in. During the war it was hard because we were on our own. No supply trains or provisions were sent to keep us alive. It's difficult to believe, but yes, the heir to the Winner family has eaten out of trash cans. Several times in fact.

I have yet to find out what Wufei likes, besides tea. Out of all the pilots I know him the least. We met only at the end of the war and he tended to be too intimidating to get to know very well. The only real heart to heart I've ever had with him was when he was looking after me in the infirmary on MOII. I had just gotten out of surgery from the stab wound I had received, and was awakened to find him by my bedside. I had been expecting Trowa or Duo or even Heero, but not Wufei.

Apparently he had asked to be there for me. He told me how brave he thought I was, to go on fighting even though I was injured. He explained to me how much he had come to respect me while we were on Peacemillion for my battle strategies. I was very touched by this and told him so. We ended up talking for almost an hour. It turned out we had a lot in common. Out of all the pilots we were the only ones to grow up somewhat normally. We both were scholars of sorts and had a great love for literature and history. And tea. Oh yes the tea. Most of the tea in my home my family makes themselves. It's sort of a tradition. Wufei and I traded many good tea recipes that afternoon.

I want to make him something special to eat though. I think that's one of the best ways to express friendship to someone: make them their favorite foods. Maybe I'll learn how to make authentic Chinese food. I bet he misses it. The Preventors provide food and housing but authentic Chinese probably isn't a popular thing to feed European soldiers.

Duo's the easiest to please. He likes practically anything. I'm pretty sure it comes from growing up on the streets with nothing to eat. Anything would be better than that. I do know however that anything with peanut butter is bound to make him happy.

Thus the strange assortment of food we were eating: peanut butter and honey sandwiches with Rocky Road ice cream and tea. Not too bad for a midnight snack if I do say so myself.

None of us had been able to sleep. Well, actually they weren't letting me go to sleep. After scratching myself up pretty good this afternoon they had decided that my episodes had gotten too serious for me to be ever be left alone. That and we were still waiting on some test results. Irea's really going all out for me to be up this late getting everything done. I doubt she'll find anything though. None of the other hundreds of tests have shown anything except increased brain activity which I could have told her. She wants to figure something out before Sara gets here though. Ah, Sara...just thinking about her coming here makes my stomach do these weird little flip flops.

"Hey! Hey Cat! Helllooo, Earth to Cat!" Duo drawls as he waves a hand frantically in front of my face.

"Quit it! I'm fine," I say with a little giggle.

"I bet you were thinking about that hot girl you called today!" Duo is of course as receptive as ever. I'm blushing like mad now and he's laughing.

"Oooh! I think little Catty-kins has a girlfriend!" he crows triumphantly.

"Leave him alone Duo," Trowa says calmly, the honey muffling his words a little.

"She's not my girlfriend! Allah, Duo. I hardly know her."

"Then how come you're so sure she can help you?" Wufei asks a little menacingly. He's very distrustful of her and I'm not quite sure why. He's angry and...jealous? Why would he be jealous?

"I don't know if she can help me, but if anyone could it would be her."

"You just said yourself that you don't know her! You know us! Why won't you let us help you!" Wufei is shouting. Ah, so that's where the jealousy is coming from. He thinks I'm going to ditch them. For some reason that's unbearably sweet to me, that he values and needs my friendship like that.

"Wufei, calm down. We all want Quatre to get better and if this girl can help we should be totally supportive of her," Heero says. Ever the voice of reason.

"Thank you Heero. Don't worry guys. It's not like she's going to hurt me or anything. I felt...I felt complete sincerity from her. She's been through as much as I have. I really want to meet her. On the phone she seemed to know what was going on with me. She just...knew. It was so weird...having someone be able to look at me like that and know things..."

"Welcome to our lives, Cat!" Duo says, breaking the silence that had fallen over us, "I always kind of wondered how you could just know stuff about us all the time. In fact...it was really kind of scary to tell you the truth...when we found out about what you can do and all...I mean, are you listening to us all the time? Do you know what I'm thinking? Do you...I saw you...can you do other things besides...look?"

They're all very uncomfortable now. I can tell that this conversation has nothing to do with believing me or trusting me. They believe and trust in me completely. Right now they're very curious and a little bit afraid too.

"I can't read thoughts, only emotions. I don't...I don't mean to know how you're feeling, but I can feel you...all the time in fact. Most of the time I can't tell who's feeling what though, unless it's really strong. It's like having a million different voices all going on at the same time, only they're not really thoughts, but emotions and sometimes images. It's all mixed together. To tell you the truth...most of the time I'm too busy trying to shut it all out to pay much attention to any specific emotions, people. As for being able to do anything else..."

I don't want to tell them. They're already freaked out enough. I can't lie to them though. I've already kept enough secrets from them. I want them to be able to trust me. I want to be able to trust them.

"As for other things...ya I can do other things."

"What?" Trowa asks kindly.

"I can...sometimes I can influence people...influence their emotions. I can make them feel what I want them to."

They're silent for a long time after that. I don't want to feel what they're feeling right now but I can't help it. They're deeply disturbed and afraid. Shit. I didn't want them to feel this way! I had hoped...I had hoped they would be able to accept it...to accept me.

"Have you ever influenced any of us this way?" Heero finally asks, his voice flat and dead.

"Yes."

The silence that greets this is more terrifying than anything I have experienced so far. Their emotions are so wild that it's overwhelming me and yet they're not moving, their faces not betraying anything. Suddenly I'm very afraid. Afraid that now they're going to hate me, to leave me. Maybe they'll hurt me. They feel like they might want to. They're so angry! Oh God.

I'm so terrified I'm trembling. I can't move. I'm sitting here with my half eaten sandwich in front of me and quaking with terror. My mind seems so detached from my body that I can't make any of my limbs move. I won't move then. I'll sit here and let them do what they want to with me.

Strong arms come around me from the back. Here it comes. I close my eyes tightly and tense every muscle in my body. I don't want it to hurt, but it probably will.

The pain never comes. Heero is hugging me. Holding me snuggly against his chest and he's hugging me. I'm so stunned I can't breathe.

Then suddenly I'm being enveloped in strong warm arms. Trowa and Wufei are at my sides. Duo is kneeling at my feet, his arms wrapped securely around my middle, his cheek pressed into my shirt. We stay that way for a long time.

My trembling has magnified ten fold. My whole body is wracked with silent sobs. There are tears falling onto the top of Duo's head but he doesn't seem to mind. He just holds me tighter. I'm surrounded with so much love I don't know what to think or do. I just let the emotion move me and I cry for a long long time.

Finally the tears dry up and I am able to look up again. The other guys return to their chairs around the table. Trowa is sitting next to me, rubbing comforting circles on my back. I feel like I've just had the most intense work-out of my life.

"You don't hate me?" I manage to squeak out.

"Quatre..." Trowa says softly, "We could never hate you. We love you."

"Ya Cat," Duo says, wiping the tear tracks of my face with his fingers.

"Quatre," Wufei says, looking me straight in the eye, "Although it is somewhat disturbing to know these things about you, they don't change how we feel about you. I am a little upset that you felt the need to use us as you did, but that doesn't make us hate you."

"I didn't mean to...I never meant to hurt you. It was just little things...after the really rough battles on Peacemillion. I just didn't want you guys to be so sad and upset. I just tried to make you feel better...I..."

"That was you?" Duo asks, wonder creeping into his voice.

"You were what helped us relax after battles? I always sort of figured..." Wufei replies with a small smile.

"Then you're not mad?" I ask, hope fluttering around in my stomach.

"How could we be mad when you were only trying to help us? Oh, Quatre...you really are amazing, you know that?" Trowa says, a full blown smile crossing his features as he moves to give me another hug, "Simply amazing."

Everyone is smiling at me with such affection in their eyes that I can feel myself getting choked up. They don't hate me. They're not going to leave me.

"Thanks guys. I don't know what I did to deserve such friends..."

"No Quatre. It's us that should be wondering what we did to deserve you. We'd be lost without you," Heero says with great warmth.

We're all quiet for a while, just basking in the glow of each others' friendship and devotion. Duo has stolen Trowa's spoon and is sucking on a big glob of peanut butter. I'll have to warn my sisters that Duo's been double dipping in the peanut butter jar. Or maybe I won't.

Not so much action in that chapter, but I'm afraid I'm emotionally exhausted now, so I'll see you all next chapter.

-NostalgieMalaak.