Drowning: Chapter 19
Pairings: 4xOC, 1xR, 2xH
To be an Empath
Quatre's POV
Notes: Hmmm, well I'm not sure if anyone's still reading this story anymore but I promise I've been working on it. I think a part of me doesn't want it to end, so every time I sit down to write I get the most horrendous writer's block imaginable. But anyway, here it is.
Warnings: language, angst, child experimentation and death
Disclaimer: don't own
"I have of late- but wherefore I know not- lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame the earth seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire- why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties; in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god: the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals! And yet to me what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me-" 1
His eyes were the first aspect of him that I noticed. Those same maliciously grinning eyes that seem to look out from Hell itself. Even hidden behind old-fashioned glasses which have molded themselves to the bridge of his nose I could see them. They are staring at me as I come into the room and they continue to hold my gaze. His mind whispers in mine 'death awaits you…death awaits you my child…' I'm six years old again and that terrible sick voice is whispering those same words in the delicate shell of my ear as I lay strapped to the metal table in Azrael's lab.
There's a slight tremor running through my entire body that won't be quelled. More than once Sara looks over at me with wide eyes, like a scared doe. She's so very afraid, and I'm not sure that it's only Dr. Azrael and the whole courtroom that's frightening her. She won't let herself feel me.
There's a small clock resting above the judge's head, dolefully measuring out the time, each movement of the second hand causing a little shudder to run between my shoulder blades.
Duo, Trowa, and Heero are sitting directly behind Sara and I. Beside them are Wufei and the girls. Wufei apparently has given in to Samirah's persistent looks and aggressive manner towards him and is letting her sit next to him, a small smirk playing on both their lips.
How much longer? We've already been here for two hours! The anxiety, both my own and that of others, is creeping up on me, like an itch that can't be reached. It isn't helping either that Sara keeps shooting me these terrified little looks. That and the constant murmur of Dr. Azrael's thoughts against my mind. 'death my child…'
Calm yourself Cat. Just be calm and slow down your breathing. There's plenty of air here on Earth, no need to be gulping it up like that.
More than once jurors, media, and general people there to view the trial turn to look at us, wondering who the two sickly looking teenagers are and what they're doing here. Surely they must have realized? Can't they look at us and know? I feel like I'm on display. How could anyone not look at me and know what has been done to me? The small tattoo, Azrael's sigil, on my shoulder feels uncomfortably warm, like it's ready to burn its way through my suit and provide silent testimony to my past. Absent-mindedly I try to rub it through the cloth. Nothing helps.
Sara notices my fidgeting and places a hand on mind. It's too hot! Her skin feels too warm against mine and I angrily brush her off. Heat comes into her eyes at the gesture. Red hair, heated eyes, hot skin. I can't even look at her right now.
"O, what noble mind is here o'erthrone!
The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword,
Th'expectancy and rose of the fair state,
The glass of fashion and the mould of form,
Th'observed of all observers, quite, quite down!
And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,
That sucked the honey of his music vows,
Now see that noble and most sovereign reason
Like sweet bells jangled, out of time and harsh,
That unmatched form and feature of blown youth
Blasted with ecstasy. O, woe is me
T' have seen what I have seen, see what I see!" 2
Oh God. She looks like a terrified little animal up there. Her hair is too bright compared to her too white skin. She looks almost dead with fear. The dark circles around her eyes make that resemblance even more apparent. This is not the strong fiery Sara I knew on the satellite, running through a maze of identical corridors with head held high.
This Sara I remember from much farther back in time. This is the Sara of Dr. Azrael's labs. I know her now. I remember this Sara.
"Miss A'Mal? I know this is difficult for you, but could you please just answer the question?"
Our poor defense attorney has asked her this three times now, but she continues to say nothing and stare at nothing. No. Not nothing. She's staring right at him.
Wake up Sara. Sara you must do this! This whole trial is basically resting on us! On our defense!
She's made me hot and my anger burns through me as well. Her head snaps around, her hands clasping spasmodically together in front of her, jaw clicking shut to hold in the scream. She's looking at me now. She's feeling me now. Oh, yes she had better.
Say something! my mind screams at her. She recoils against the back of the witness stand like something has physically struck her.
What…oh Allah…what am I doing? Look at her! Look at what you've done Quatre! You've frightened her beyond all reason!
where is the child that stayed with the dying and the dead? Where is our bright soul who guides us to the other shore? You aren't him! Where is he Sara's voice chatters at an almost insensible level at me.
Where have I gone? What's wrong with me!
"Ms. A'Mal! Ms. A'Mal!" The attorneys are all clamoring around each other, trying to reach her. They lift her off the stand as her body collapses into a shivering bundle of bright red hair and stark white features. They carry her out through the huge wooden doors at the rear of the courtroom, her eyes drilling holes into me the whole while.
The room erupts into noise, but I can barely hear it. All I can hear are her thoughts racing around and around in my mind, accompanied by the feral undertone of Dr. Azrael's feelings.
"Is it not monstrous that this player here,
But in a fiction, in a dream of passion,
…would drown the stage with tears
And cleave the general ear with horrid speech,
Make mad the guilty and appal the free,
Confound the ignorant, and amaze indeed
The very faculties of eyes and ears.
Yet I,
A dull and muddy-mettled rascal, peak
Like John-a-dreams, unpregnant of my cause,
And can say nothing…" 3
There are so many people watching me right now. Jurors on my left, judge on my right, masses of people in front, and then there are the cameras, their insect-like movements broadcasting every nervous twitch, every gesture, every word I make to millions more. It's enough to make me sick.
I hate people. That's what I've decided as I sit on this cold hard witness chair. I hate them. I hate the way their mouths move as they speak, forming gentle 'o's and soft crescent-like creases. I hate the way they move, without thought to their actions, relying solely on years and years of practice, years of feeling the Earth pull them securely to her like a protective mother. I hate the way they sound, so many different pitches mixed together that make waterfalls and rain showers of noise. Mostly I hate the way they make me feel. I don't want to feel you! I don't want to feel what we used to be! I am not one of you. Never have been. Never will be. I am something else. I am something beyond. I hate you because I can never be you and that is what is ripping me apart right now.
"Mr. Winner, could you please state your full name and occupation for the court."
"Quatre Raberba Winner, part-time CEO of the Winner Family and Company."
"How do you know the Dr. Azrael?"
"I was used in his experiments during the Newtype Holocaust. They called us Azrael's children."
"How old were you when this occurred?"
"Six. I was there for a year and a half."
"Do you mind telling us what went on in Dr. Azrael's experiments? What is was like to be there?"
"…They started with killing and ended with killing. That pretty much sums up our experiences there." I can tell that that wasn't what he wanted to hear. It wasn't what we had discussed I would be saying.
"Could you elaborate please."
"I don't remember how I got to the satellite, or even much about it…but I remember the killings. They…they took those of us with the most potential and divided us into five groups. Each group was put under a head doctor and assigned a name and wing of the laboratories. I was put under Dr. Azrael and his staff in what was called the Death Ward, for obvious reasons."
"And those are?"
"Azrael is the angel of death. Only makes sense I suppose…especially after we found out what they would be doing with us."
"You mentioned that it started with killings…?"
"Those children that didn't meet their standards were shot to death in the main hanger. Their bodies were burned." For all the emotional turmoil roiling within me…I can't help but feel detached…apathetic…as if this was happening to someone else.
"How many children were left after this? Or put into your…ward, if you will?"
"I don't know. There were more children in the other 'wards' than in mine, that's about all I know. None of the other scientists had much hope for Azrael's project. They didn't think it would work and would simply waste good test subjects."
"Was their goal for experimentation then? If so, then why were so many children killed?"
"They wanted us all dead eventually, but they wanted to find out as much about us as they could. They did work for a military group after all."
"Objection!" The defense calls out, "That's merely speculation your honor. There's no proof that the Holocaust had anything to do with the Alliance, or they with it."
Idiot. Of course they were part of it. Stupid Alliance loving human….
"…Mr. Winner?"
"I'm sorry. Could you ask me that again please?" I ask in my most polite tone. I'm well aware of what I must look like up here, a small pale little teenager with big blue eyes and white-blonde hair. I must look quite the battered child.
"What was the purpose of Dr. Azrael's experiments?"
"Purpose?" I bite back a strangled laugh that sounds far too manic in my mind for my liking, "What purpose? There was no purpose. He just wanted to torture little kids, that's all."
"What exactly did he do?"
"We were kept separate from each other. I never saw the other children after we had been sorted. I was kept in a plain white room, like a box, with a door at one end. The lights never changed. It was always bright…and silent. Besides the actual experimentation times I had no contact with anyone. Well, at least not physical…"
"Care to explain?"
"I could still feel the other children around me. I could feel them being experimented on. I could even feel them die. They called me their little angel because I would stay in their minds as they died, so they wouldn't be alone." That definitely wasn't what we had rehearsed. Everyone in the room looks shocked. The best is yet to come my friends…
"What were the experiments like Quatre," he asks quietly, trying to reign in my wandering attention. There are so many people here…so many emotions all at once…I hope I don't freak out while I'm up here…
"I'm not…not all that sure. It's all a bit confused and mixed up. I don't…I don't really know…what happened during. I can only remember the after, and the pain that came with it…
"They would knock us out with something before they took us so I don't really remember much. I remember waking up just before…before it would happen."
"Before what?"
"Before they killed me. I remember tubes and the color blue. Bright bright blue, like the color in neon signs. Then there would be pain. So much pain…then…I dunno. Next thing I remember was waking up in my cell, not being able to move hardly. I always felt so cold and sore."
"Do you remember how many times this happened?"
"No, but the records that were briefly released said over three hundred."
"You were killed and revived over three hundred times?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell us anything else about your stay there?"
"I don't really remember much beyond that…it all kind of blurred together. I may have gone crazy at some point. I do remember the end though. The killings at the end. They just started taking children from the other wards and…burning them. They weren't dead when they did this. It was…it was…" just breathe, relax, "I don't really want to describe it."
"That's ok Quatre. I just have a few more questions for you. Do you recognize that man sitting over there?" he asks, pointing, but he doesn't realize that I'm not really with him anymore. I'm thinking about what it felt like to burn to death.
"Yes…" my voice is so far away, it's like I'm dreaming…"I saw him in my dreams…the dreams where I was floating…he couldn't hurt me there…no no…never could hurt me there…"
"Quatre, this is very important now. Did you ever see Dr. Azrael at the satellite? Did you see him put the blue chemicals into you, or order someone else to do it?"
"Couldn't…couldn't seeeee…..no, no! Don't hurt me, don't hurt me…I can't 'member…my name…my name…Quatre Quatre Quatre…" everything's falling out of focus now, everyone looks so far away. Even the jury over there, even…no! No wait! You have to believe me! I know he did it! I know he's guilty, please please just listen! They don't believe me…they think I'm a sick little boy, they won't believe. No! They must! I must show them…yes show themmmm…but how? How?
Let them in…know what it feeeellssss….yessss…let theminlettheminletthemin….
"To be, or not to be- that is the question"
Do you feel me now world? Do you?
"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune"
My mind has suffered, and my body…
"Or to take arms against a sea of troubles"
Do you see my sea? Do you see yourselves?...Do you see? Duo…Trowa.. Wufei…Heero…my brothers in everything connected to your bright spirits… Bright stars in the water, on the beach…everywhere…that's you. I can feel you, all of you. I can feel your pain because you're still a part of me. Do you see the black desert shore? It frightens me.
"And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep-
No more- and by a sleep to say we end
The Heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to…"
I can't feel myself when I'm here because this is the beyond. When I can't stand the pain anymore, this is where I go. This is what I see. This is what I feel. This is where that man sent me over and over again.
"…'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep-
To sleep- perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause…"
In death there is a distant shore. Is it really a desert? My father says there isn't. He says it isn't like that at all. He says I only see it like that because I've forgotten myself. Forgotten my humanity. If that's so then I'm letting you in, letting myself see the humanity within me. Can you see yourselves within me? I'm your child after all. We came from you. Don't abandon us now. Don't let us loose ourselves…or loose you.
"…There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'enworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin?..."
We will take your pain and make it well. We will take your wrongs and make them our wrongs, we will also take your love, gladly, for that is what we live for…
"…Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?"
I have been to the distant shore and I see it now. It is nothing like I imagined! So beautiful…so much like I remembered before I lost myself. Is this what is means to be an empath? To feel as others must and do? And then to see the other side as they do? Truly, what a piece of work is man, for a soul could imagine no greater beauty than the one that you people have.
"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action." 4
So be not afraid of what is to come, even though you will most likely not remember what has transpired today, but keep this feeling within you. Make the most of this time. Don't allow the travesties of the past to occur again. Stand firm in your beliefs! Take action as you see fit. And for this action I will be eternally grateful. For by allowing myself to feel and be felt, my own soul has been saved.
Did you hear that Father? They can understand me now. They believe in what has been done to me…and who has done those things to me. I can feel them now, their pain and their joy. I can let you go now. I don't have to come back to this place…at least not until the proper time. When that time comes, you will be there to great me. You can take me by the hand and lead me to God.
All quotes from Hamlet by William Shakespeare
1 Hamlet II, ii
2 Ophelia III, i
3 Hamlet II, ii
4 Hamlet III, i
-NostalgieMalaak