Chapter 10 – The Truth of the Matter

After Severus had finished explaining why the Headmaster was a doltish old idiot who favored Gryffindor over Slytherin, he had gone to bed, first slamming the door and then covering up his body with every blanket he owned.

Everyone left him be. Wouldn't you?

Severus Snape lay there, completely mired in his spiral of self-loathing and hopelessness. It did not occur to him to use any of the coping strategies Shonsey and the two deceased Aurors had taught him. His dread was too deep; his fear too awful. He had to learn the answer, and tonight.

Did the Headmaster mean what he had said?

If he had lost Dumbledore's love and confidence, there really was no point in going on. It would mean that nobody – with the sole exception of his flighty and mostly absent mother – loved him, and that he could not bear. If he were to be abandoned by the Headmaster, he would just kill himself and be done with it.

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After his roommates had fallen asleep, Severus slipped out from under the pile of bedding and grabbed a couple handfuls of dirty clothes, using them to outline the shape of a body under the blankets.

Then Severus took a pendant out from the front of his pajama collar. Everyone had thought it was a fine representation of a snake, but its actual form displayed a Phoenix instead. It had been a very special gift from Albus Dumbledore. The medallion did not cause one to apparate and disapparate but came close, and it could only be used within Hogwarts Castle.

Holding it in his hand and picturing the Headmaster's study, Severus disappeared from his bedroom in Slytherin Tower.

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Sev soon found himself standing in the very area he had pictured. He suspected that the Headmaster had gone to bed, but also knew that the Phoenix medallion would alert him to Severus' presence.

The Slytherin boy sat down, trembling with anxiety and chewing away at his fingers. He needed to find out whether the Headmaster meant all those terrible things he had said about him. If he did, Severus wouldn't be able to bear it. What would happen to him then?

With a gold and crimson sparkle of magic, Fawkes flew into the room and settled neatly on his perch, as if he had been expecting a guest all along. Severus heard the shuffle of slippers and soon saw the Headmaster enter the room. Snape couldn't help looking at the slippers – they had curled toes, like a genie's!

"Good evening, Severus," Albus yawned. "Or is it good morning?"

The boy looked into his face, stricken.

"Are you all right?"

"I – don't know – Fa – "

Severus shut his mouth with a snap. He was afraid to call Albus father. What if the man stormed at him in a fit of rage, telling him that he was not his father? What if he said he would never consider even talking to a greasy, disgusting, and treacherous liar like Severus Silanus Snape?

"Father? Is that what you were about to say, Severus?"

His mouth twisting, the boy's hands automatically went up to cover his lower face. What if Albus was angry and disappointed enough to slap him like his real father had done countless times?

"Severus?"

The old man padded amidst the chairs and sat down. His dressing gown had orange and gold sparkles; it looked like a Muggles' idea of Florida in Hell.

"Do sit down."

Sev hesitated, his eyes not leaving the Headmaster's face. He could read nothing there. Maybe Albus had already decided to cast Severus off – to drive him away – to leave him alone once again. All the boy could do was to hang his head, the shame causing his very body to ache.

Albus got up and came toward Snape. The boy cringed.

"Oh my poor child," Dumbledore said. "I did not believe a single word I said to you this evening."

Hating himself for it, Severus burst into tears.

Albus pulled him close and held him as he cried out his anxiety and terror of being abandoned yet once again. Dumbledore knew that Fate had removed Martis from his Dark child's life – and now Asenath had been taken away from him as well. He also realized that Sev would have to denounce James and Lily in the near future.

"Aroon, aroon," the Headmaster sang, holding the boy close until he stopped trembling. Severus could scarcely be understood, his face muffled as it was by the shoulder of the old man's dressing gown.

"I – I couldn't st – stand if if you d – d- didn't want m – me around any more," Sev wept, unaware that the old stutter imposed upon him by his father's cruelty had surfaced once again.

Albus knew instantly that the Slytherin was very close to the edge. He would save him from another stay in St. Mungo's if he possibly could. "Listen to me, Son," Albus said, his voice almost a sigh. "I meant nothing I said. We are such good actors that we even fool one another!" He rubbed the boy's taut back to help him relax.

Sev continued to cling to him. "And of c – c – course w – w – we all know th - that I'm t- the b - best actor in the w – w – world!"

"You were amazing tonight, Severus. You were astounding. You could have fooled three dozen Aurors! It was superlative. Word will spread about your discourtesies to two of your professors, and about your tirades against me. I hope you did it up royal, my boy."

Still trembling and clinging to his mentor's dressing robe, Severus nodded. He did not want to answer using words as he knew he would stutter like a broken record. But instead – and oddly enough – Albus said, "Don't you ever think of leaving us again, child. I would not recover from my grief if you took it upon yourself to depart this world."

Severus raised his head, tear-filled black eyes focused on the Headmaster's clear blue ones. "You – c – can r – read m – m – my m – mind!"

Albus shook his head. "If I had decided to cast a Legilimency charm, you would have known it. I just know my poor downcast boy and his gloomy thoughts." Dumbledore briefly reflected on what Myrddin of Carmarthen had told him – "Without you to care for him, he will attempt suicide once more . . . . Without you, he will die at his own hand ere he reaches the age of twenty." He cradled the boy tightly in his arms, filling him with the warmth of healing and calming energy.

"You were excellent tonight. Now both Professor McGonagall and Professor Penderdandis know of the so-called animosity between us. Word will spread amongst the faculty, believe me. Schoolteachers are among the worst gossips in the Wizarding World."

"A – and I p – p – planted the s – seed amongst at least th – th – three h – houses," Severus added, grateful to be held and cared for.

"Are you hungry?"

"Y – yes, F – Father."

"Ah, it's lovely to hear that again, Severus!"

Sev began to cry again. He was unable to help it and felt that Albus Dumbledore knew exactly why.

"It's all right, Son. Let me ring for the House Elves and let them fix us something wonderful. Does that sound like a good idea?"

Still crying, Sev nodded in the affirmative.

"How about a plate of lemon bars, butterscotch fudge, and divinity?" the Headmaster asked.

"Yes, yes, and yes," Severus replied, looking up with a wan smile.

"What happened to that stutter, my boy?"

Snape thought for a moment. "It's gone because I'm safe."

He would always think of this place – this room – as a safe and blessed place to be. The wards surrounding it would keep him safe. And Albus Dumbledore – the greatest White wizard in the world -- would keep him safe as well.