Chapter 8

-Continued-

I'm in some deep shit. He caught me. SHIT! What am I supposed to say to him?

"Well Hermione, after successfully avoiding me for the past few days, you are going to talk to me and I am not letting go of you until then." I looked at his hands holding onto my arms. There was no escape.

"Um, well…" What was I to do? I was trapped.

Okay, I knew I was going to talk to him sooner or later, but I never imagined that I would be in this situation, with us on the balcony with a romantic setting, him holding onto me tightly by the wrist.

"Yes?" I could tell he was amused. Stupid bastard.

I stuttered for a couple more seconds until I guess he got impatient.

"Listen, Hermione, about the kiss…" I gulped. "I know it meant nothing, that it was just one of those spur of the moment things…"

That was a burn.

He continued, not knowing this was hurting me. "But that doesn't mean we shouldn't keep being friends, you know? Just because of one insignificant kiss…"

Ouch.

"And we have nothing more then a platonic relationship, and you are nothing more to me then a really good friend."

Bastard! Alright, I know that he wasn't doing anything wrong, but I was mad and hurt at the time.

Couldn't he see the tears welling up in my eyes? Couldn't he! I turned away from him. He kept talking.

"So the kiss was nothing. Just a small, stupid, mistake. And don't worry, I know you don't feel for me like that so-"

I cut him off, unable to stand it any longer. "Shut the bloody hell up, will you?" He looked shocked. "You're fucking wrong, okay? It was more then nothing. At least it was to me. I like you!" I'm guessing that by now, tears were streaming from my eyes.

"I- I like you t- too…" It was his turn to stutter.

"Oh shut your trap! You know bloody well what I mean! You might think the kiss was just a stupid mistake, but to me, it was more, okay!" I was in deep, but I couldn't turn back now.

All of a sudden, he pulled me to him and kissed me deeply. Third time. This is wrong, I told myself. I didn't stop, though.

After a minute, I had to pull away.

We both stayed silent for some time. Then I said quietly, "I hate you for making me feel like this."

"Like what?" He asked just as quietly.

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. "Like a pathetic little girl who's an open book. Like someone who would like her friend's boyfriend. Like a total bitch."

After more silence, he asked, "Do you really hate me?"

"I wish to God that I could. Anything would be better then this."

"Hermione-" I ran inside, not wanting him to see me at the point of sobbing. No, I might have been pretty pitiful right then, but I wasn't going to give anyone the ability to say that they saw me, Hermione Granger, at her lowest.

I ran out of the common room, down the stairs, out of the castle, and down to the lake.

-Hogwarts Lake-

I was crying. How sad. But I couldn't help myself. I doubt anyone could.

Why did he kiss me again? Making me feel a nonexistence ray of hope. It was plain cruel.

Why was life so hard? No matter what, things just couldn't be perfect, even for a fragment of a second. There would always be problems, things to make us unhappy. I hated it.

No one knew this, but I had seriously contemplated suicide many times before. I would sit by my desk, depressed and crying, thinking about how maybe the pain just wasn't worth it. I know what life is. Maybe it was time to know what death is?

But then I would see the photographs of Harry and Ron, my parents, and all my girlfriends, and I would never be able to go through with it. My conscience wouldn't let me.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kill myself over merely Draco, it was my life in general. From the surface, I know, I look so happy, so content. But inside, I was in constant sadness. It was especially overbearing this year. The fact that I was the bookworm, one- third of the golden trio, a mudblood; it all made me seem extremely ordinary and unoriginal.

This wasn't right. I was Hermione Granger. Hermione Granger. This, right here, was not Hermione Granger. This pile of mess was not the strong, kept Hermione Granger I was for the past seventeen years. This was not someone I was familiar with.

I stopped crying and sat up straight. I wiped my face as well as I could, and headed back inside, feeling a newfound resolve. Why should I feel this way? What made Draco so special that he could demote me to this? Nothing. No one should be able to.

It was infuriating. I was not going to be like this. No. I lifted my chin, kept it up, and walked inside, feeling stronger.

He was not going to get the best of me. No one was.

No one should.

-Tuesday-

When I went back to the common room late last night, it was 3 am. I could tell that Draco had tried to wait up to talk to me, because he was one the couch, lying down with crossed arms. I had to smile at the picture in front of me.

I took a Slytherin blanket, thought about it, and then put it down. I picked up the Gryffindor blanket and put it on him. I tread to the room, took my things, and went to the Gryffindor girl dormitories to sleep.

Obviously, this morning, the girls had questions for me. I simply told them that we changed the password and I forgot it.

"That's not like you, Hermione." Ginny didn't believe me, but dropped it after she met my tired gaze.

We headed down to the great hall for breakfast. Harry and Ron were already there.

"Morning, 'Mione," they said simultaneously.

I smiled weakly back as a response. I guess I was pretty out of it, because they looked at me strangely, and Ron questioned me.

"Hermione, are you okay?" he asked me tentatively.

"Yeah, of course I am, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, Hermione, you look a mess."

"Gee thanks," I replied sarcastically.

"I have to agree with Ron." Harry peered at me suspiciously. "You've been crying, haven't you?"

How did he know? I caught a look in the mirror. Oh. My eyes were slightly swollen looking, and although it wasn't really noticeable, if you looked close enough, it was guessable.

"Harry," I whispered. "It's nothing. Drop it."

"No", he answered defiantly. And considerably louder then I was.

I narrowed my eyes dangerously at him. "Drop it."

"Tell me why." He could be so insensitive. But he was not going to win.

"Harry, you better shutup before I make you shutup."

He looked at me. "Make me shutup."

I grabbed a piece of toast, and turned to everyone. "I'm going to the library. See you all later." I took my bag by one strap and walked to the door, glaring at Harry, daring him to follow me. He didn't.

On my way out, my eyes caught Draco's. My stomach clenched. I looked away and pushed open the door.

I felt a sense of security once I reached the library. The familiar smell of the dusty books and the hominess comforted me. I walked to my favorite armchair and sat down with a book. I wasn't really reading, but the position made me feel better. I felt like the old me again, unlike the last day at the lake.

Looking back on it, I felt really silly. This was the way I always felt soon after a crying session. I felt like I had cried for juvenile and sophomoric reasons. Really Hermione, I scolded myself, crying for some boy? You should be ashamed.

After about half and hour, Professor McGonagall appeared at the doorway of the library.

"Ms. Granger. There you are. You must report to the headmaster's office. Immediately." She looked very stiff. I mean, she was usually stiff, but this was different. It worried me.

-Headmaster's Office-

"Ah, Ms. Granger. Take a seat." Dumbledore's usually cheerful face was unnaturally grave.

I sat down. "Excuse me, Headmaster, but what is this all about?"

He cleared his throat. "There was a deatheater attack. It is my displeasure to inform you, Hermione, that it was in your neighborhood."

I couldn't speak. This could not be happening. I couldn't breathe.

A tear slipped from his cheek. Professor McGonagall, standing next to him, was wiping at her eyes with a handkerchief.

"Your father is in the hospital. He will be healed. But…"

"No…" It was getting difficult to breathe.

"You mother…" He paused.

"What happened to my mother?" I asked him. He said nothing.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MOTHER?" I was yelling at the headmaster. I didn't care. All I cared about at that moment was my mom.

"She did not make it."

Tears cascaded down my cheeks. I crumpled to the floor. I couldn't compute this into my mind. I pulled at my hair. I sank into a fetal position, my chin on my knees.

"Hermione-" Professor McGonagall stepped toward me, but I got up and fled out of the room.

I ran. I had no idea where I was headed, but I didn't care. I was sobbing. I was sobbing harder then I had ever in my life. I felt like my heart had been wrenched out of me and shot into pieces.

I ran down the hall, desperate to think of a place I could be alone. On my way, I bumped into someone.

"Wha- Hermione?" It was Harry. I looked up at him miserably. He saw my tear- stained face and asked, "Hermione, what's wrong?"

I tore away from him and ran out of the school, again headed toward the lake.

"Hermione!" I heard him call out my name, but before he could come after me, the students came out of class, separating us.

I could not register this. How could she- my mother- be gone? It wasn't possible.

"WHAT DID I DO?" I yelled at the sky.

What did I do? What did she do? I would never hear her voice again, scolding me or reading a story to me at night when I was young. How I longed to hear her scold me now.

It was not supposed to happen this way. She was supposed to live to be old, to see her grandchildren. I would never feel her arms around me again. I would never see her again.

I never even said goodbye to her when I left for Hogwarts.

FLASHBACK

"Hermione! You have to go to Hogwarts." We had fought the night before. It was a rather large fight, and I was still angry.

"Yeah, I'm going. I'll write." I grabbed my things and my keys and went to my car.

"Well, goodbye." I heard her call to me, but I ignored her. I drove off, giving her no farewell.

FLASKBACK END

How I regret that now. Oh, how I incredibly regret it. I didn't even get to write her. I was too caught up with Hogwarts to remember. How could I do that to her?

My heart ached. I let out huge sobs, being drowned in my memories of her. There would be no more making new memories with her. There was no more future with her.

It was like a physical pain, this feeling. I had never lost anyone close to me before, not in this way. She was my mother. She would always be my mother. The woman who gave birth to me. It wasn't right.

"Why couldn't it have been me?" I sobbed into my knees. I looked around frantically. I felt some sort of craving I wasn't familiar with. It scared me. I tugged at my hair. I punched the tree until my knuckles started bleeding. I didn't know what to do. I felt some sort of crazed sensation I had never experienced before. It was driving me crazy.

I collapsed. Tears were still flowing out of my eyes. I closed them. An image of her filled my mind. It pained me. But I kept my eyes closed.

-9: 30 pm-

I had stopped sobbing by now, but once in a while, a tear would leak from my eye. I didn't want to move. Why should I?

But I reluctantly got up and trudged into the school, up the stairs, and into the head common room.

Draco was there. I couldn't care less. He looked at me. Needless to say, I was a mess.

Instantly, he was worried. "Hermione, what happened? If it was what happened between us-"

I stopped him from continuing by raising a hand. "It's not that." My voice was choked and I didn't sound like me.

"What is it then?" I shook my head, I wasn't ready to talk about it. I started toward the bedroom, but he grabbed my arm.

"What happened?" he asked firmly.

"Nothing! Please, just leave me alone!" I was on the verge of sobbing again. He looked very much taken aback.

I ran to the room, slamming the door behind me, and fell on the bed, crying my eyes out.

How I missed her already.