Chapter 10

-June-

"So, Hermione, what are you going to talk about in the speech at graduation?" Harry smirked playfully at me while I reached for the cereal.

It was true. As head girl, I had to give a speech for the whole school. Usually, I would be nervous and start sweating right when I hear the mention of it. But today, something else was again on my mind.

I looked across the great all at the Slytherin table. There was Draco.

Even now, I couldn't compute what happened all those months ago. He said he loved me. But I didn't say it back.

Why didn't I say it back? Maybe it was because it was a challenge to me. He was challenging me to say I didn't love him while looking into his eyes. It was a horrible excuse for lying.

Wait- was I lying? I wasn't sure. Did I love him? What is love, anyway?

All my life, I had thought my peers naïve to say "I love you" so lightly. We were young. We knew nothing of love. Yet they said it everyday to their girl/ boyfriends. At that time, I was sure they didn't mean it.

But now, we were seventeen. Was that old enough?

All these months, Draco and I had kept a very tense acquaintanceship; no longer a friendship. I could no longer call him my friend. I often cried about that. He was my friend no more. Merely someone I was forced to interact with on a daily basis, while patrolling or planning events for the school.

After that fateful night, he only looked at me straight in the eye once. I should have cherished it.

It was the day after. He had looked at me and opened his mouth, as if he was going to say something. Before any words were given out, he closed it again, and merely looked me deeply in the eyes. I remember that I was very taken aback. We stayed like that for God knows how long. Then, he left.

I pulled myself out of my thoughts and turned toward Harry. "Yes, Harry, I'm giving a speech, but you don't need to remind me every chance you get just to shake me up."

He laughed. "I know. But it's fun."

I laughed right along with him. But my heart wasn't really in it.

-Head Common Room-

I was getting all my Potions books when Draco came in.

"Hello, Hermione." That was how he acknowledged me now. Very polite. Very stiff. Very forced.

I smiled sadly. "Hi, Draco." I wished that he would look at me.

He didn't. He merely nodded his head and walked out. It hurt so much. I sadly looked on. I sighed and walked out after him.

-Potions Class-

"Hey 'Mione. What's up?" asked Serena brightly, making me sulk even more in my depressed mood.

I forced a smile. "Not much. Let's get to work."

As for Serena, she came to me only an hour later that one day. I had to pretend to be all sympathetic when in reality, I wanted to break down myself.

We were still really close friends, even now.

"I like someone." That wasn't surprising. All week, she had been somewhat distracted. I talked to her about it once, but she swore up and down that there was nothing going on with her. Obviously, she wasn't being completely truthful.

For her enthusiasm, I acted shocked. "Really? Who's the lucky guy?"

"Justin Flint- Fletchy." Of course. That was so typical. He was another pretty- boy rich guy in Slytherin. An inferior Draco clone.

I have gotten so cynical over the years.

It seemed like all I ever did was lie and act now. Lie to save face, act to make others happy. It was a tiresome job, but it was one that I had applied to myself. I had no one else to blame.

I suppose I could have told Draco that I loved him. It would have been the easy way. But how could I say something like that when I wasn't even sure? Looking back at this moment, I believe that I was right in doing what I did. Any other girl would have said that she loved him, even if she was feeling what I was.

I have never been any other girl.

"That's great, Serena. What are you going to do about it?" I got straight to the point.

She giggled girlishly. "I don't know yet. I kind of hoped that that's where you would come in?" She looked at me hopefully. I gave in.

"Yes!" She was happy.

I wasn't.

-One Week Before Graduation-

I was supposed to meet Draco to talk about the speeches.

Naturally, I was nervous as hell. Just like I was when I had to spend alone time with him.

Only this time, I was nervous because I had made a vow to myself. I said that I would talk to him about what had happened those months ago. This time, I would make him talk to me. This time, I would make him look me in the eye.

If he didn't, I would just have to grab him by the collar and shake him until he says something meaningful.

Or I'd pull him in by the tie and snog him senseless.

Whichever is more appropriate.

At 7: 00 pm, I walked to the library to face him.

-Library-

As soon as I sat down beside him, he got straight to business. "Okay, I think we should talk about similar things, but not too similar that the people know that we planned it, but-"

"Draco." That was all it took to stop his blabbering.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. I believe he acquired that habit from me.

He looked up at me. "Why?" he asked after a brief silence.

"Why what?" I asked although I knew exactly what he was talking about.

He shot me a look that told me that he knew that I knew.

This time, I sighed. "I don't know, Draco. I wasn't really ready. I didn't know what it meant. I still don't."

He nodded. "I guess."

I guess? I GUESS?

That was all he had to say? After avoiding me for months and stopping our friendship, he says I GUESS?

Well, that just wouldn't do at all.

I calmed myself down before questioning, "Why did we stop being friends?"

He shook his head. "How can you even ask that question? Can you just imagine my situation? I had just told you I loved you-" I winced. "- and you say that you didn't."

"But," I started weakly. "I don't know if I told the truth." I said it in a whisper, barely audible, but he could hear it.

He looked up, with the distinct expression of hopefulness. Could it be that he still felt the same way after all this time?

"Really?" he asked tentatively.

"But I'm not sure. I mean, if I really did-" I gulped. "- love you, shouldn't I be positive about it?"

I continued. "I don't know about love, Draco, but I do know that I have feelings for you. Isn't that enough?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair again.

After a very long and awkward silence, he spoke. But it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

"Let's get to work on the speeches."

I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. How I wanted to shake him up and kiss him right there. But my pride got in the way, so I just said, "Yeah."

-Graduation-

I had been practicing and perfecting my speech all week. I could memorize it. As for Draco, I had no idea.

Ever since that night, we haven't talked at all. It was torture. When we went patrolling together, we would be walking in constant silence.

I cried afterwards every time.

"Are you nervous?" A voice brought me back to where I was, which was in the great hall, everything decorated by us and the prefects, about to graduate from Hogwarts.

I felt tears threatening to fall again. I didn't want o leave Hogwarts. It was my home. It was where I excelled every year without problem. I was going to miss it terribly.

I turned to the voice, and the owner of it surprised me. It was Draco. After a full week, he spoke to me at last.

"As hell."

He nodded, still looking straight ahead, his eyes conveniently avoiding my area.

"Me as well."

Dumbledore began to speak. "Another year at Hogwarts is complete. However, for most of you, it is not the end. It is merely a beginning in disguise."

He specifically locked eyes with Harry. Everyone knew what this meant. The final battle was nearing.

Fear gripped my heart as I thought about that. I quickly switched the subject mentally.

"I hope that everyone here has learned as much as we hoped to teach. And I also hope that you will all make the right choices when they come along."

"Now, the head boy and girl will make a speech. Please give them your full attention."

Oh shit, this was so agitating. Thank goodness that Draco was going first.

Wait. What if his speech was mind blowing? And then mine really sucked in comparison? Oh no. I was screwed.

He stood up from where we were sitting. It was right next to the teachers, so we were sat higher up then the students.

"Ahem. Hello, everyone. I'm Draco Malfoy, as you all well know, the head boy."

"I think I can say for everyone that every year is special and, well… different here at Hogwarts." People murmured in agreement.

"For those 7th years, this is the last. After today, we're going to be dumped into the real world where teachers aren't there to save our arses. And I, personally, couldn't be more scared out of my trousers." I laughed along with everyone encouragingly.

"And I also want to give you all some advice. So listen up, because I'm not repeating it twice."

I leaned forward in my chair to hear this, because we definitely didn't plan that part.

"People always say 'Be a good person; do the right thing; think of others; karma; blah, blah, blah…' Well, that applies in some situations, but in other situations, that's total bull."

"The thing is, everything varies. We aren't those small clueless children we once were, reading fables with little morals in them. If we lay down the cold, hard facts, karma is nothing. Even if you are the most kind- hearted person in the world, at the war, you're still going to see someone you know, or even love, dead on the ground."

Everyone had grim faces on, seeing the truth in his words. Some people were already sniffling.

"Since we are all at risk to lose our lives here, whichever side you're on-" he looked at the Slytherins. "- we should live life to the fullest. Like it's your last day. Be assertive, but remember to think of others as well."

He turned toward me slightly, but enough for only me to know that he was going to speak to me through his speech in his next words.

I was right. He said, "We have to keep in our minds the fact that… it's alright to be selfish at times. If you aren't thinking of yourselves as well as others, you might as well be living their lives. That's all I have to say. Don't miss your chances."

He sat down as the room burst with applause.

At that moment, I think I realized something. Or maybe I knew for a while.

I loved him.

"Your turn, Hermione."

I gulped. I stood up slowly and apprehensively.

As I looked at Draco, Harry, Ron, and Dumbledore sitting in their seats waiting for my words, I decided on the spot that I was not going to give the speech I planned and practiced and perfected all week long.

I was going to wing it and say whatever was in my heart.

"Hello, everyone. As you all know, I'm Hermione Granger, your head girl."

I looked at Harry and Ron, who were both nodding supporting me mentally.

I had a bit more confidence. "Well, I originally planned a speech for you, but I think I'm just going to say what I am thinking now."

"As we all are aware of, the final battle is nearing at a terrifying speed. And Draco is right, we are going to see some loved ones die at our very feet. And it's not right. But I believe that none of us will back off, for that's what the person killing off everyone wants. Voldemort."

Many people shuddered. I paid them no attention and went on. "And I, for one, am not going to surrender to his will for fear of his wrath. Because you know what? He is going to face my wrath. And you all know that my wrath is not something you want to face."

Everyone laughed lightly, agreeing to this.

"But in all seriousness, sooner or later, we are all going to leave this castle and enter adulthood. We will remember it dearly while we split into separate paths, some going into auror training, some becoming healers, others going to the Daily Prophet… and dare I say it, I'm assuming that some here will even take the dark mark."

The students nodded gravely, some of them peering over at the Slytherin table.

"The point is, we have to, like Draco said, live everyday like it's the last. We have to grab opportunities or else they might go away forever. It's not too late to change the future, as long as we really want it."

I sat down. There was silence. Then, the whole great hall erupted into a jumble of clapping, cheering, shouting, whooping, and, in Harry and Ron's cases, shouts of, "Go 'Mione!"

I smiled, relieved that it was over. I looked over at Draco, who was looking at me, impressed.

"We didn't plan any of that."

"I know."

"Good job."

"Let the feast begin!" Dumbledore shouted.

I looked at Draco deep into his blue eyes. I couldn't make anything out of them.

"Draco," I sighed. "Despite everything, I'm really going to miss you."

A corner of his mouth lifted, signifying a smile. "I'll miss you too."

I wanted him to say something more. Something about trying again and seeing if we would work out and snogging me senseless.

I continued our conversation in hope. "Well, it was too bad we stopped being close."

"Yeah. It was too bad." He looked thoughtful for a second. "Do you think we would have been good together?"

"Maybe."

"Well, I guess we'll never know now. But hey, that's okay."

No! That's not okay! Ask me again! Ask me if I love you again!

Of course, I didn't say that. Dumb pride.

Instead, I merely nodded and said, "Yeah."

-Hogwarts Train-

"I'm going to miss you guys so much!" I wailed as I threw myself toward Harry and Ron.

They laughed and patted my back. "Hermione, we're all going to the same place after this. Remember? We're doing auror training, and you're going to research new spells for us."

I didn't respond; I just flung myself at Ginny and wailed at her.

After I had calmed down a bit, we all talked about our future and reminisced the past events.

"Remember the time you two saved me from that mountain troll in our first year?"

"Yeah, that was horrifying."

"Then I got troll snot all over my wand. Disgusting…"

We laughed the whole way.

-Platform-

"Last chance, Hermione." I spun around to face Harry.

"What do you mean, Harry?"

"I know you still like him. You know you still like him. Now why don't you let him know?"

I sighed. "Harry, you know me too well for my own good."

He smiled. "I know."

"Harry, my pride won't let me."

"Hermione," he looked at me sternly. "If you don't go now, he will be out of your life forever, and you're always going to regret it and wonder what would have happened. Do you want that?"

He was right. He was one hundred and one percent right. If I didn't tell him now, I would most likely never see him again in a lifetime.

"Harry, I'm so glad that you're my conscience." I hugged him and ran off to find Draco.

I ran through the crowds, all the while thinking about what I would say to him. I realize now that I love you? I think we should be together?

Oh, what the heck. I'll make it up as I go along.

I sighted him. His face filled my vision… as the car he was in drove away from me.

I tried to run after him; call after him; but he couldn't hear me.

I was too late.