I must look like a complete idiot as I stand there in front of the bridal boutique. I don't care. I am marrying Kyo Kusanagi in one month. I have the right to look however I damn well please. Smiling, I enter the small shop.
"How can I help you?" the saleswoman asks.
"I-I'm looking for a wedding gown." I surprise myself, sounding almost unsure. Really, I'm not. I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life.
We walk down the small aisles, and the saleswoman introduces herself as Sonaki. The walls are lined with dozens of bridesmaids dresses and wedding gowns. They're all so beautiful, so beautiful I'm afraid to touch them. Sonaki tries to start a conversation with me, but I don't listen too much. Not too much at all.
"What colour would you like? White is traditional for a wedding gown, but coloured dresses are becoming more popular nowadays. Red, blue, pink-"
"White. White is fine," I interrupt her.
"But perhaps a hint of colour-"
"Pure white is all I want, Ms. Sonaki," I reply, irritated. Does she really think I know nothing? She nods silently, taken aback. I do not apologize, waiting silently as she fetches me some gowns. It wasn't really her I was angry at. It was her suggestion that I wear anything but white. I am shaking with anger. Or fear. My mind flashes back to late March.
The snow is falling lightly on the ground, and tears freeze on my face. It is all Kyo's fault. He was arguing that I was spending too much time obsessing over our wedding. He said I was turning into a control freak-a Bridezilla. I left him alone in a huff. Is it wrong for a girl to want her wedding to be perfect? Is it not the most important day of our lives? A voice interrupts my thoughts.
"Gee, miss, it's kind of cold to be standing outside, don't you think?" I turn around to face this person who has barged into my thoughts. I can feel a blush creep upwards on my cheeks. I am standing face to face with perhaps the most handsomest man I have ever seen in my entire life. "Would you like to go get some hot chocolate with me? you look like you could use it. My treat." I can't help but nod. His ebony hair is full of soft snowflakes and his eyes are a warm brown. Warm enough to melt for. We head for a cafe across the street and I feel butterflies thrashing against the insides of my stomach.
"Would you order for me? I-I have to go to the bathroom," I say wispily. There is no one else in the cafe besides the shopkeeper. Rushing into the bathroom, I look at myself wearily in the mirror. I've only met this person and it feels as if the ground below me is being pulled away. I splash my face with cold water. "Don't be ridiculous," I mutter to myself. "You're not cheating on Kyo. You're just having a drink with this guy." Taking a deep breath, I step back into the dining hall. The handsome stranger is sitting in a booth in the corner, sipping a cup of hot chocolate. I walk over and sit down across from him. Another cup of hot chocolate is waiting for me.
"You sure took a long time in the bathroom," he smiles at me. I laugh unconvincingly. I want to leave, but something compels me to stay. Slowly, I take a small sip of my hot chocolate.
"My...my name is Yuki," I finally manage to stutter.
"My name's Mokono," he replies, smiling. I smile back.
We meet several times that week at the cafe. Just to talk, though. I don't tell him about Kyo because it doesn't come up in conversation. I think he is scared to talk about it. I don't want to tell him. I find out that he is eighteen and has just finished high school. We talk about nothing in particular; the news, books, movies, but nothing about our personal lives. It's as if our new found friendship is based on a strange fantasy.
We meet on the afternoons that we can in the small cafe. Between him and Kyo, it is like having two boyfriends. I tell myself, though, not to let it get too far. I can't. I try not to. But.
On the Friday that week, I am surprised to see him sitting at our usual booth when I enter the cafe. Everyday that we had met, I had always arrived first. He stares at me intensely, as if he were trying to find something in me.
"What is it?" He looks away, as if he is embarrassed.
"How old are you?" he asks. Something about his face and voice make me feel flustered.
"Seventeen," I reply meekly. He reach his arm across the table and grabs the back of my neck. I try to pull back but instead he pulls me closer to him.
"You're very pretty for your age," he comments softly. My breathing increases rapidly as my thoughts turn toward Kyo. He is still in high school and he is twenty. And I am going to cheat on him.
Mokono places his lips on mine and I stop breathing. Finally, he pulls back. He stands up and turns toward the exit.
"Will you meet me here again tomorrow at 4:00?" he asks, putting down some money on the table. I whisper a yes and he leaves. I don't know why I said yes. Maybe I was just in shock. Kyo was the first boy I ever kissed. I had wanted him to be the one and only man I would ever kiss. Forget about that dream now, I think bitterly to myself. I rush outside and head for a phone booth. I enter one and, hands trembling, dial Kyo's number. After two rings, he picks up.
"Hello?" I hear him say, and I breathe out a sigh of relief.
"Kyo...Kyo, I'm sorry. I-"
"Yuki? I was hoping you'd call. Listen, I decided that maybe we should cool it for a little bit on getting married so early. You know, we're so young...it's really not necessary for us to get hitched so early, right?" I can't say anything for a while. He decided for the both of us that we were too young to be married? "Yuki? Are you still there?"
"Yes. I am," I stammer.
"Are you okay with this?" he asks, sounding worried.
"Yes. Perhaps you're right about this marriage thing."
"Gee, I'm sorry, Yuki. I know how much you want to get married. We will, though...eventually." Eventually. I can't take it anymore. I muffle the phone so he can't hear me cry bitterly. The snow outside begins to fall faster, as if trying to salt my wounds. I quickly compose myself and continue listening to Kyo. "Would you like to do something tomorrow?" he asks me. I hesitate before answering.
"No...I have a prior engagement. I have to go, Kyo."
"Yuki, wait-" But it is too late. I hang up and step out of the phone booth. I will meet Mokono tomorrow at four, I decide. If Kyo does not want me now, then he will when I am not his anymore. If something happens tomorrow between me and Mokono, it will be Kyo's fault for driving me away. No one's fault but his own. A mixture of anxiety and guilty pleasure invades me. I stand outside for a long time. I wish I could freeze to death.
The next day, I leave my apartment early. I can't stay in there a minute longer. It's as if it is trying to suffocate me. I had been thinking very hard that morning about what to wear. I finally decided on a light blue blouse and dark blue flared jeans. There's no school so I walk around for a while. I don't want to think so I head for the arcade. I'm surprised to see Benimaru there, playing KOF. I start to leave, but he calls out to me. Reluctantly, I walk over.
"Hey, how's it going?" he asks me.
"It's okay. Everything is okay," I lie. Suddenly I want to leave very badly. "Kyo doesn't want to get married anymore," I blurt out. Benimaru stops playing and looks at me with shock.
"But I thought-"
"He said that we were too young...that we shouldn't rush things." I can't stand talking about it, but it makes me feel good in a way.
"Do you still want to get married?" he asks quietly. I nod. "I'll tell you what. I'll talk to Kyo, okay? Try and get things back in order." He looks at me sympathetically and walks out of the arcade.
I look at my watch. It's 3:30. I head for the cafe, but stop as I reach the door. I know that once I go in I can't turn back. Whatever happens, I can't turn back. I brace myself as I swing open the door and step in. Once again there is no one inside except for the shopkeeper. I wonder how they are still in business as I sit down in a booth. I rest my head on the table. The snow falls lightly outside as the sun peeks curiously through the dense clouds above. The shopkeeper comes over and asks me for my order. I tell her that I'm waiting for someone and that I'll order later. I don't even look up at her. The restaurant is deathly quiet and I slowly drift to sleep. I dream that Kyo is holding me close, but when I look over, he is holding Kasumi close, too. When I look up at him, I realize that it's not Kyo at all...it's Mokono.
I jerk myself awake. Mokono is leaning over me, smiling. I smile back, confused. He sits down beside me and we talk lightly. There is a lull in conversation and he bends over to kiss me. This time, I do not resist. It is warm and dizzying, his kiss, and I can't turn away. I don't want to. Finally, he releases me.
"Would you...would you like to go to my place?" he asks timidly.
"Yeah...sure."
His apartment is only a few blocks away from the cafe and he tells me about the interesting places to visit in the neighbourhood. Like he really cares if I visit these places or not. His apartment building is old and dilapidated and we must take a flight of stairs to reach his place because the elevator is broken. He fumbles for his keys before opening the door. It is a one room apartment with a small kitchen attached on the side. there are clothes scattered everywhere and dishes piled on top of the kitchen counter.
"Sit down," he says. I sit down on his bed. He smiles at me charismatically, his warm brown eyes making me feel more at ease. Maybe this won't be so bad, I think to myself. That is until I see dirty magazines spilling out from under his bed. I look away in disgust, but he doesn't even notice. "You're one of the most nicest girls I've ever met," he coos to me, stroking my hair. I look away shyly, but he forces me to look at him. My ears begin to ring and I begin to panic, but I tell myself it's the only way. He begins to kiss me again, but it isn't like the ones before. It isn't warm and tender. It's aggressive and full of lust. Tears line the corners of my eyes and fall onto his bed. He doesn't even notice...
I sit up in his bed, covered in sweat and tears Mokono lies down beside me looking contented. The deed is done. I am shivering with fear and disgust. My plan seems to collapse before my eyes. I wasn't supposed to go this far. I wasn't supposed to hate it this much. The impact of what I had done suddenly hits me and I begin to wheeze uncontrollably.
"Kyo..." I sob, over and over again. Mokono glances over at me nonchalantly.
"What's wrong?" he asks. There is no concern in his voice. I turn to face him. His eyes are no longer warm and tender. They are bleak and desolate.
"What would you care? I retort back angrily. He shrugs and heads toward the bathroom. I sit there, shaking and crying and shivering all at the same time. Kyo would be jealous over this? Over this person who doesn't care about me, who sees me as nothing? Now I know that my plan has failed. Kyo will not realize how much he loves'em if I tell him. He will see me as a loose woman, not to be trusted. And he will be right. I hastily put on my clothes.
"You're leaving?" I glare at him as I button up my shirt.
"Yes. What does it look like?' He watches me as I head for the door.
"Will you come again tomorrow?" I pause before answering.
"May I ask you something, Mokono...how many women have you slept with?
"I don't know," he shrugs, blushing, "one, two...ten." I want to punch him in the stomach, I want to hit him so hard he can't breathe. Instead, I step out of the apartment.
"You, sir, are one of the most vilest, crudest people I have ever met," I fume. "And no, I will not come again tomorrow, or ever. excuse me, Mokono. I have to see my boyfriend. I walk away quickly, before he can respond.
"Don't blame it all on me," he calls out. "I didn't know you had a boyfriend!"
I don't want to hear it. I run down the stairs, almost tripping and falling down the fifth step. My blouse and shirt cling to the sweat on my skin. I know he's right about everything not being all his fault. We were both using each other for our own personal gain. He did it for pleasure and I did it for despair. The cold air outside hits me hard and blinds me. I squint and lower my head into my coat as I head toward my apartment. The snow falls thickly on me, as if trying to blot out this mass of impurity. I walk quickly. too quickly. I slip on a bed of ice and scrape my knees against the ground. Warm blood streaks over the snow as my pants rip at the knees. I stand up and look down in horror. the snow around my blood turns red. I run home as fast as I can. my apartment is eerily quiet, except for the sound of my heavy breathing. I walk over to the phone, wanting to call Kyo, but the answering machine beeps red. I listen intently to the message.
"Hey, Yuki. It's me, Kyo. I was talking to Benimaru today and I decided that we should go on with the marriage. It's kind of selfish for me to think of only what I want, y'know? Anyway, it's not like I don't want to be with you. You're the only one for me. Call me back, okay? I love you. bye." I collapse onto my sofa and begin to weep bitterly. All of this pain and anguish for nothing. And it's no one's fault but my own...
"Here's some dresses for you to try on, miss," Sonaki offers, handing me over a few. I look down at the white fabric and hand them back to her.
"I've changed my mind, Sonaki. Perhaps a bit of colour would be nice. Something I red, maybe?" I smile wearily at her and she smiles back. She finds me a dress and I try it on. I step out of the change room and look at myself in the mirror. Sonaki stands beside me.
"You look good in red. Red is definitely your colour," she admires. my eyes glisten with tears as I reluctantly agree with her. I don't want red to be my colour. It's a colour that stains and doesn't come off. I want my colour to be white. I wish it could be white again.
I walk home slowly. There is no ice for me to fall on, no snow to erase me from existence. Instead, there is a war breeze and mild heat that tans my light skin. There is a phone booth nearby, and I decide to call Kyo. He lets it ring for a while before picking up.
"Hello?"
"Kyo? Hey...I, uh, bought my wedding dress. It's red."
"Hn. Why didn't you get white? don't tell me you've married before," he teases. I laugh nervously.
"No. I just wanted something that goes against tradition," I lie. No I don't, I scream to myself. I didn't want this burden.
"I'm sure you'll look good in whatever you wear," he says.
"Thanks," I mumble. "I'll see you later, okay? Bye." I put down the receiver. The wind blows forcefully and whips my hair into my eyes. There is a brick building across the street. Strangely enough, there is no one in sight. I walk over and run my fingertips over the rough texture of the wall. Without thinking, I pound my fist against the brick, again and again. I feel as if all my energy has drained away. The brick is stained. I look down at my knuckles. Tiny pieces of skin flake off and bright red blood bubbles from my wounds. I begin to laugh quietly, psychotically. Red is my colour. The colour of my impurity.