A/N: HIIIII I was in the valentines mood, from my lovely today…yeah right I hate valentines day. So I channeled my hate and aggression into the little side story, it has v. little to do with Read Me and is a just a random side plot. The next chapter will be up in a few days, either tomorrow or Wednesday.
Warning: bad language, so if this bothers you then do be careful.
Remus woke up on the dreaded day of Monday. What made this Monday worse was that it was the Monday, it was February 14th. Of course this was not just any February 14th, it was the most dreaded horrible day of the year, VALENTINES DAY!
Of course this was an even worse day because Remus woke up alone. Sirius couldn't stay with him because he was going to…some weird city in the middle of no where to visit his dying aunt. Remus hardly slept without his Padfoot and had terrible dreams of flying pigs eating all his French toast and whipped cream.
Remus, normally a cheery morning person, rolled out of bed and onto the hard wooden floor with a thump. He gave a strangled yell before violently throwing the covers of himself, in the process knocking his phone on the floor.
He hiss and in his boxers sifted through his closet. Sadly Sirius had last done the laundry so it was mostly stained with whit patches. So Remus ended up wearing a white button down shirt and the only un stained pants which were a pair of low rise clubbing jeans. He could only pray that the Blacks wouldn't be in today. That could be an awkward conversation. 'why yes Mrs. Black your sexually confused son did the laundry so I had nothing else to wear! I know he can't even be a proper gay who acts feminine!' He thought miserably.
He opened the fridge door and nearly went into cardiac arrest. It turns out that flying pigs did in fact eat his French toast. Well perhaps not flying pigs, but someone did! "Sirius…." Remus hissed. He ended up eating a bowl of lucky charms shudder with chunky milk. "You know the chunky parts aren't that bad after you chew them up."
Remus left his house, miserable, hungry, and with very angry intestines. He unfortunately couldn't find his coat so he prayed it wouldn't be raining or to cold, after all they were having a warm streak.
He stepped out into pouring freezing rain. He gritted his teeth and ran as fast as he could to the Black Center. When he finally got there the sliding doors weren't working so he was forced to stand outside for fifteen minutes until the sleeping security heard him screaming and pounding on the glass and go up to manually open the door.
Remus stood at the front desk minutes later, shivering, dripping, and getting a lot of stares while Lily went on about the wonderful dinner James was planning for tonight. Of course Remus did have a boyfriend, but Sirius was away…in the middle of nowhere…with his bloody aunt! "Lily that's lovely, but I'M FREEZING!"
"Hm? What'd you say Remus darling? Look at these roses James bought me!" Lily giggled. Remus slammed his forehead with his palm exasperatedly. He saw hope when he saw Harry walking toward him.
"Harry!" Remus cried in glee. He quickly realized something was very wrong. Harry was walking blankly and his eyes were glazed over. He wasn't watching where he was going and quiet literally ran head first into a pillar. He stumbled back and shook his head before walking on. Harry had in his hand a bottle of windex, that he was spraying everywhere he went. "Er…harry?"
The boy stopped in front of Remus and green eyes met amber for a moment before Harry said. "Unclean, unclean." He sprayed the windex on Remus before blankly walking on.
Remus turned to look after the boy. "Sweet jesus…Harry? The messiest child on the face of the earth….holding windex? Isn't he allergic tow index!" Suddenly he saw James come running down the hall.
"Remus ol' buddy ol' pal, did you happen to see Harry?" James asked as he stood panting.
"He just waddled by." Remus dead panned. "With windex."
James nodded. "It's worse then we thought!" Remus elegantly raised one eyebrow in question. "See we sent him to the hypnotist so he'd be a little neater, but as you can see the poor boys went slightly off the deep end."
"Oh sweet Jesus." Remus moaned. "James I'm having an awful day-"
"Hm? Oh that's nice Remus, Harry come back! Put the windex down!" James hollered running after his son.
Remus stood there dripping and simmering when Dracy Malfoy came from down the hall, hugging himself whimpering. "Your boyfriend abandon you too?" Remus growled.
"…String theory." Draco murmured in a traumatized voice. "We're just ants in an ant box! And there's some crazy pervy giant man watching us…There are little people in the walls!" Draco shrieked throwing himself against Remus' chest. "There's a universe in every atom! And smaller thing then an atom!"
Remus patted Draco's shoulder sympathetically. "Ah yes, I remember when I first learnt about the string theory and quantum physics. Don't worry you adjust."
"It's so horrible!" Draco sobbed.
Remus sighed and carefully peeled the blonde of his shirt and walked back towards his office. I'm in a crazy house! He thought sadly. He came into the waiting room and almost fainted on the spot. Sitting on the chair, biting his nails was Ronald Weasly. The Weasly's were a very inbred family who often had many nasty mental disorders, with Ron it was homophobia (it was a mild case, mostly misunderstanding of what a homosexual actually was, Ron confused homosexuals with terrorists.) and paranoia.
"Remus!" Ron gasped. "Oh I'm so glad to see you!"
"Hello Ron." Remus moaned. The only reason anyone put up with Ron was because he was the brother of Bill Weasly (brilliant scientist who was much loved by the blacks and their therapists).
In a matter of minutes Ron was on the lounge sobbing about how the teacher was going to touch him. Of course Ron didn't realize that Miss Hinkle wasn't a man so there was no need to be paranoid and homophobic. "And I'm so scared!"
"Ron….darling. Miss is the name for a woman…Miss Hinkle is a female." Remus explained kindly. Ron's eyes were huge with confusion and fear. "…She has a…a….uh….Vagina."
Ron shrieked and leapt from the chair. "YOU'RE GOING TO MOLEST ME! MOM SAID BAD MEN WOULD MOLEST ME! YOU'RE WORKING WITH HIM!"
"Ron Miss Hinkle is a woman!" Remus shouted. "I'm not going to molest you! Now sit down and stop being so paranoid!"
"They're coming to get me!" Ron shrieked. "The homosexuals are coming to bomb my house! I saw their website last night!"
"Ron that was a gay porn website! Homosexual men go on those websites!"
"AHHHHHH!" Ron screamed. He was running around the room wildly.
"Ron Homosexuals are men who are attracted to other men!" Remus screamed.
"They bomb people!"
"No Ron terrorists bomb people!" Remus hissed.
"Oh….terrorists?" Ron asked in a normal tone. He sat back down calmly. "Well that's interesting."
Remus sat there in shock as Ron started to babble on about how silly that mistake was. "So….er…Ron…are you feeling better?"
Suddenly there was a loud boom and an insane cackle that belonged to Draco. "HARRY!"
"DRACO!" Harry screamed back
"YOUR NOT CLEAN ANYMORE!"
"LETS GO AHEV SEX IN A CLOSET!"
Both Ron and Remus were silent for a moment before Ron promptly began to scream again and start throwing papers in the air. Remus sighed and just walked out of the room. He trudged into the waiting room and found another man sitting there. "Oh….Mr. Slytherin….What a nice surprise…." Remus forced a grin at the extremely attractive silver haired man in the chair.
"Call me Salazar."
"Right then…Salazar."
"Remus…." Salazar Slytherin's green eyes seemed to pierce his soul. "So wonderful to see you again."
Remus gritted his teeth. "Excuse me…I'll be right back." Remus ran out of the office as fast as he could and out into the pouring rain so he could scream. "YOU ARE A POMPUS BASTARD AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND WHOSE HOTTER THEN YOU ARE! YOU FAT POMPUS ASS BURN IN HELL YOU FRIGGIN PRICK!"
When he felt better Remus went back into the office. "Salazar my office is currently in use, but we can use Peters' he's not in today." Remus said politely, or he tried. Suddenly he noticed his white shirt was wet…and see through. If human's could be so angry they set on fire from the inside Remus' insides would have been molten. Stupid sexually harassing bastard. "Follow me…..please." The please was extremely forced.
As Remus walked he knew Salazar was starring at his ass. He clenched his teeth and gestured for Salazar to lay down on the lounge. Remus sat down on the couch and fidget, trying to cover as much of his body as possible. "Erm…."
"Lovely weather, for valentines day." Salazar remarked.
"Yes…wonderful." Remus agreed. "So how's your job going?"
"Oh I roll in cash every night, but I wish I had someone to share all my wealth with!" the silver haired man said dramatically clutching his hands to his heart.
"Mhum…So…I'm sure you could find a lovely lady to settle down with." Remus suggested.
"Ladies aren't really my cup of tea anymore." Salazar said, starring at Remus.
"Oh…Well…how are you with that?"
"I'm very comfortable with my sexuality. But I am so lonely." Salazar sighed and shot Remus a darting glance
"That's nice…Do you feel insecure that you don't have a girlfriend now?" Remus was so angry he thought he'd explode or scream, but his self control knew no boundaries.
"Not at all….I'm just waiting for the right man. You know Remus I've missed our talks so much!" Salazar exclaimed. He moved off the lounge and sauntered over to the couch. He sat down right next to Remus.
The amber eyed man scampered to the other side of the couch and drew his legs up to his knees, his feet protecting him from Salazar. "…You know I think you should move back to the lounge…Sometimes I motion sickness, might throw up on your lovely suit."
"Really you like it?" Salazar smirked. He inched closer.
"Er…." Remus started to fumble through his notes. "How's your dog!"
"Fine…he died last month." Salazar shrugged. "Have I mentioned I've been lonely?"
"Plenty." Remus nodded vigorously. "Okay…Oh look at the time."
"We still have half an hour." Salazar said with that haughty smirk that made Remus want to slap it off. But Remus' muscles were completely frozen.
"But….I have leukemia?" Remus mumbled.
"Oh Remus I only just realized how much I've missed your wonderfully acute sense of humor." Salazar chuckled. He was practically sitting on Remus' feet.
"Oh…thanks…I make sure I calculate the acute angles every night so it…uh…..acute? like the acute triangles….uh…." Remus stammered. He was bright red and Salazar was eating him up. He wanted to scream 'stop undressing me with your eyes!' but the words would have come out undress me your sexy eyes.
Salazar laughed. "Do you have a valentine this year?"
Remus stammered and almost turned purple.
"If it's not to personal of a question." Salazar added.
"How much more personal can you get!" Remus shouted.
"Well do you?"
Remus stammered for a moment before he felt his legs being gently pushed apart by Salazar's long fingers. Suddenly Salazar was sitting on top of him and kissing him. Remus sat there like a block of stone, bright red and shaking.
"That wasn't so bad was it?" Salazar asked.
Remus hissed dangerously at him and slammed into Salazar's nose with the base of his palm. "I have a boyfriend you sicko! Now screw off!" Remus yelled before dashing out of the office.
Remus stormed down the hall and found Draco and Harry, covered in dirt arguing.
"Oh…Uh…Remus!" Harry stammered. "Draco you tell him!"
"You found it!" Draco hissed back.
"Well you set the bomb off in the first place." Harry growled. Draco grumbled darkly, but stepped forward.
"Erm…Well it looks like someone sent you uh…roses…but they kind of burnt to cinders when I set of the cherry bomb." Draco mumbled. He offered a single, medium well done, white note to Remus.
Remus took it shocked and saw written on it in quick ball point pent was,
Dear Moony, my luv!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And I'd love to eat you!
I love you baby and when I get home I'll get reservations at Roys…wink
Remus thought he might cry for a moment. Sirius remembered me! He glared at Harry and his lover. "That was the only Valentine I've ever gotten and you two idiots blew it up! YOU IDIOTS BLEW UP MY VANLNTINE! I've had a horrible day and nobodies given a flying fuck and I can see neither do you two!" Remus screamed. He stormed out of the black facility.
He walked shivering through the rain, tearing the note into little tiny pieces. He fought not to cry, but the tears streamed down his cheeks anyway. As the cars passed the slow moving man they splashed muddy water all over him. Two guys honked and yelled something rude.
Remus shook his head. I cheated on Sirius! Oh god now he's going to leave me…Remus' shoulders shook as he cried. Some pervert offered him a ride and a job. Remus screamed at him and slapped him.
Remus reached his apartment and slipped into the elevator. He miserably shook out his hair and unbuttoned his wet shirt which stuck like glue to his skin. It was the most uncomfortable feeling he'd ever felt, well…not the most, but it was not a good feeling.
He reached his little apartment and opened the door with a gasp. The lights were out but the entire room was lit with candles, big candles, small candles, and all different colors. There were roses everywhere and petals scattered on the floor. Remus noticed suddenly that no one was there. He sighed disappointed for a moment before something suddenly grabbed him.
Two arms wrapped tightly around his torso and hugged him tightly. Remus' heart skipped a beat, but when silky hair spilled onto his chest Remus laughed. "Sirius!"
"Moony!" Sirius smirked. He spun Remus around and kissed him passionately. Remus broke away and just looked at Sirius for a moment.
"Siri you actually came!" Remus almost cried. He hugged his Padfoot tightly. "God I thought you'd forgotten about me!"
"Never my love."
"God it was the most awful day ever!" Remus moaned.
"Well that's why I'm here to make you feel all better." Sirius murmured, nuzzling Remus' nose with his own.
"But Salazar kissed me!" Remus cried.
Sirius looked at Remus' anguished amber eyes and laughed. "Oh Moony my love, I'm glad to know your still the sexiest kitty on the block."
"Shut up you perv."
"Wanna go do dirty things and in your bed?" Sirius snickered.
Remus wrapped one leg around Sirius and let himself be dipped low to the floor, arms wrapped around Sirius' neck. Sirius one arm was holding up Remus from the small of his back and the other hand produced a red rose. "Oh yes, let's celebrate this holiday as it should be celebrated, hot passionate sex baby!"
And so the two lovers disturbed the neighbors all night with lustful yelling and banging. And of course the watching and mocking of sappy romantic movies while enjoying ice cream. To Remus it couldn't have been a better Valentines day.