Okay…..looks a little like a lot text….but it's not……watch out for the next chaper.

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Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

SPOILERS: all Seasons (including SEASON 5)

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breaking my own heart

chapter 4

Her hand rested on his arms, holding him, holding on to him as if she'd fall down to the ground otherwise. He felt that she was still nervous. Wondering if he was the only one that doubted this relationship, he finally started walking when the music began to play.

She took a deep breath, and glanced at him. He forced himself to smile. Wishing he would be waiting for her at the altar instead of Nick.

What would have happened if he would have done things otherwise in the past?

Would he maybe be someone else? Would he be with her now? What would have happened if he wouldn't have asked Sophia out for dinner?

Much too well he remembered Sara's reaction when she had overheard Sophia and Greg talking about 'the date'. It hadn't been a date…it really hadn't been a date. It had been a dinner, he and Sophia had never been more than friends, they never even had been real friends, it hadn't been a real friendship. Real friends…he wondered if he really had real friends. Except for Sara and Catherine no one new anything about him. Catherine was the only one he had always talked too…about almost everything. Loosing Catherine as a friend had been a slap in his face. Loosing Catherine as friend because of Ecklie had been more than just a loss of a friend, it had that bitter aftertaste of being defeated by his nemesis. This all had made Sara so much more important for him than she had already been. Or at least it finally had helped him to allow himself to let her mean more to him.

He wondered why he hadn't thought about the possibility that his dinner with Sophia could hurt Sara. He had thought that it would be totally clear that this was just a formal…farewell dinner. But he should have known better. Asking Sophia out for dinner, only a few days after Sara had told him about the reason of all her problems had been more than tasteless. But Sara had forgiven him. At least he hoped she had. But she had told him that she couldn't take it anymore. That he had hurt her too often. This were the two things that he always remembered when he thought about their discussion…no it had been more than a discussion. It had been a fight, a fight with tears and hurtful words. Words that had hurt him more than she ever realized. But he had realized that there had been so many situations, so many of his actions that had hurt her. She had never told him what had hurt her, she had never told him when…she had only said 'So often have you hurt me…so often without caring. Treating me like I mean everything to you one day and ignoring me the other day…Grissom do you think this is how I deserve to be treated by you?', he remembered the tears that were running down her cheek when she had screamed this at him. He remembered the demand to kiss these tears away, the demand to kiss her lips, her lips that had been shivering because of all the anger she had just let out.

He remembered what he had told a suspect once. He remembered that he had told him that he couldn't risk everything he had ever worked for, for her. When she had told him that she had overheard his conversation he had wished he would have been able to tell her about his true feelings.

He knew that it was even more hurting her that he had asked Sophia out for dinner since he had turned her dinner invitation down. Out of reason's that she still didn't know. Now he wished he would have told her about it. He wished he would have done a lot of things otherwise.

She glanced at him, squeezing his arm softly. He looked at her, forcing himself to smile.

"You're miles away, aren't you?", she whispered.

"Sorry.", he whispered back.

"Thanks for not letting me walk down here alone."

Thanks for reminding me that this is a wedding...your weddinghe sighed.

He glanced around, realizing that they had almost reached the altar. He saw Nick, smiling brightly, tears in his eyes when he saw his beautiful wife to be, his bride, the woman that he would have the chance to love until death will do them apart. The woman that Grissom wanted so desperately to be his. Warrick, Greg and Nick's father stood next to Nick. Warrick must have noticed how Grissom felt, because he had that concerned look in his eyes, concerned that something stupid could happen. No I won't do something stupid…I know this is the best thing for Sara. She has to be happy. I couldn't make her happy. All I can give her is a life alone, longing for the man she can never have because he's emotionally unavailable. Nick will make her happy. And if it takes me to be sad and alone to make her happy, I will be sad and alone for the rest of my life.

They had reached the altar. Grissom felt that she didn't let go off his arm. He caressed her hand softly with his other hand, then nodded softly at her and forced himself to smile. Finally she let go off his arm and stepped forward to Nick.

Tears ran over Nick's face. He kissed Sara softly on her forehead. And Grissom spotted tears on Sara's cheeks too.

Oh how he wished to be in Nick's shoes tonight and forever.

Is it stupid to want to be with the woman you love? Would it be stupid to tell her what I feel for her? All I did before was stupid! I should have told her that there could be a chance for us…but I destroyed that last chance! It could have been so easy…all I had to do was nodding…or saying a simple 'yes'. Damn it why am I the way I am?

He felt as uncomfortable as never before. The demand to run away grew bigger and bigger.

No it wasn't wrong to love her, it wasn't wrong to want her. It was his right to love her and even if he would loose his job, even if he would loose his life, he needed her. But it was too late. She stood there, facing nick, her husband to be, just a few more minutes and she would be married. And there was nothing he could do about it.

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END OF CHAPTER FOUR