Chapter 39:
"He should not have done that." Severus growls as we reach our rooms. He flings his robes on to the couch. I follow after him, picking them up. He strides in to the bedroom and swings wide the closet door.
He roughly searches for a different set of robes, smaller, less billowy. I calmly walk around behind him, snatch a hanger from the closet and add the robes back to collection. He glares at me.
"Are you not upset?" he demands.
"No. Not upset. Embarrassed, of course. But Albus meant no harm." I say, shutting the closet door now that he has found what he was looking for.
"Meant no harm? It was remarkably unprofessional of him." Severus snipes. "It has always been his policy to leave everyone's personal lives out of Hogwarts."
"And he has, as best he could. But Severus, he was right. As I am here longer, there may very well come a time when a colleague may ask for my opinion and wish to speak to me after hours. They would be directed here, to your rooms." I keep my voice low, as it is not my desire to start an argument. "Besides, he did stress that it should be kept from the students."
"Potter and the lovebirds know." He says.
I smile at the reference. "Yes. And they will not tell." I vouch firmly.
"No?" Severus is not as optimistic as am I.
"No." I parrot cheerfully.
He shoots me an odd look and opens his mouth to say something, but thinks better of it. This will not do. I stride up beside him.
"You cannot do that." I inform him.
"Do what?" he asks, looking down his large nose at me.
"Have something right on the tip of your tongue and then not say it. That's not fair." I pout.
Severus fixes me with one eye, as I move my lower lip out to pout. "Oh, stop." He says.
I smile and back up. He looks at me ruefully.
"You didn't mean it, did you?"
"Mean what?"
"What you told the Dark Lord."
"Say his name, Severus, and he will have less power over you."
"You didn't mean it." He persists.
"Mean what?" I repeat.
"About Albus being damned. About you truly being his. You can't be. I have seen those under his control. I have been one of those completely under his rule. You are not, Bena. I know you are not."
I take a step back. "I am an excellent actress, Severus."
"I am well aware. But you have a difficult time dissimilating in front of me. Admit it, you have no true plans to defeat Albus."
"You do not know me as well as you think you do."
"No?"
"No." I affirm.
He looks thoughtful for a moment, then walks over and harshly pulls up my left sleeve. "You have not yet taken the mark. A loyal follower considers it an honor to be branded. To be so intimately connected to his master. And the Dark Lord knows it."
"Knows what?"
"Knows that no matter your proclamations, no matter your eloquence, you are still, in your heart, a Dumbledore. You cannot deny it, Bena."
I withdraw my arm from his grasp but make no comment. I stare defiantly up in his eyes. His anger fades and he looks at me plaintively.
"We should leave." He says simply. The matter has been dropped. I nod and follow him out the door and out the castle. The grounds are empty as we move along them. Severus had grabbed a filled flagon on our way out the door, for what I do not know.
We arrive at Headquarters minutes before meeting time. Everyone is there, mostly laughing together. I prefer the happy laughter at the Order gatherings to the sinister cackles of the Death Eater meetings. Here, the members are friends. The Death Eaters are merely colleagues in pain.
Uncle calls the meeting together, and fills everyone in on recent developments. I am surprised at how much has been happening without my knowledge. I glance to Severus, whose jaw line is tight. He knew most of this, it seems.
Molly and Arthur Weasley both look pale. Percy, their oldest, is still considered a potential threat to Order. Albus does not think he is under the Imperious, simply blinded by his love for power. And it is that quest that frightens them. They are both risking glances at my husband; I am sure thoughts of Severus' own thirst for power having been the driving force behind his decision to follow Voldemort.
Albus names a list of former students he is wary of. There are members from three of the houses. Gryffindor seems still immune. Severus brings up the topic, and I notice Minerva's nostrils flare. Dumbledore and the other listen to him, especially the noteworthy example of Peter Pettigrew turning traitor, which elicits a reaction from Remus. Dumbledore nods and says that even Gryffindor is not free from the temptation, but that none of his informants seem to point that way. Severus agrees for the moment, but warns again that they must be suspect.
A few moments later, the Order disperses. On our way out the door, Severus thrusts the flagon at Remus, who, startled at the gesture, looks up.
"Thank you, Severus. I had almost forgotten."
Severus sneers, "It is fortunate then, that I did not. It would not do for Dumbeldore's pet werewolf to be wild in a few night's time."
Remus lowers his gaze to the flagon and gives a sad smile. He uncorks the potion and downs it in one go, his features grimacing at the taste. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and gives the flagon back to Severus.
"Thank you." He says simply.
Severus looks at him but only nods. I give Remus a small look as I follow Severus out the door.
"Is it so very difficult for you to be pleasant?" I ask the moment we are outside.
"You know my reasons for being rude to the werewolf."
"I don't mean only Remus. Molly and Arthur are frightened for Percy. All you did tell them how to cope with the loss of their son as a decent human being."
He turns on me. "It is not my job to make others feel good about themselves and their situation. I have been through the underworld and back, Bena. I have seen the lowest depravity of wizardkind and lived to tell about it. I have partaken in the most wicked and vile acts known to us. And yet I am still here. I know the horrors and I am not about to hand hold anyone. Do you understand?"
His speech was completely true. Severus has never been one to sugarcoat anything. That has always been left to Albus.
"You are right, Severus."
He nods. "Let us go home. Tomorrow classes start and you will need your strength."
"He should not have done that." Severus growls as we reach our rooms. He flings his robes on to the couch. I follow after him, picking them up. He strides in to the bedroom and swings wide the closet door.
He roughly searches for a different set of robes, smaller, less billowy. I calmly walk around behind him, snatch a hanger from the closet and add the robes back to collection. He glares at me.
"Are you not upset?" he demands.
"No. Not upset. Embarrassed, of course. But Albus meant no harm." I say, shutting the closet door now that he has found what he was looking for.
"Meant no harm? It was remarkably unprofessional of him." Severus snipes. "It has always been his policy to leave everyone's personal lives out of Hogwarts."
"And he has, as best he could. But Severus, he was right. As I am here longer, there may very well come a time when a colleague may ask for my opinion and wish to speak to me after hours. They would be directed here, to your rooms." I keep my voice low, as it is not my desire to start an argument. "Besides, he did stress that it should be kept from the students."
"Potter and the lovebirds know." He says.
I smile at the reference. "Yes. And they will not tell." I vouch firmly.
"No?" Severus is not as optimistic as am I.
"No." I parrot cheerfully.
He shoots me an odd look and opens his mouth to say something, but thinks better of it. This will not do. I stride up beside him.
"You cannot do that." I inform him.
"Do what?" he asks, looking down his large nose at me.
"Have something right on the tip of your tongue and then not say it. That's not fair." I pout.
Severus fixes me with one eye, as I move my lower lip out to pout. "Oh, stop." He says.
I smile and back up. He looks at me ruefully.
"You didn't mean it, did you?"
"Mean what?"
"What you told the Dark Lord."
"Say his name, Severus, and he will have less power over you."
"You didn't mean it." He persists.
"Mean what?" I repeat.
"About Albus being damned. About you truly being his. You can't be. I have seen those under his control. I have been one of those completely under his rule. You are not, Bena. I know you are not."
I take a step back. "I am an excellent actress, Severus."
"I am well aware. But you have a difficult time dissimilating in front of me. Admit it, you have no true plans to defeat Albus."
"You do not know me as well as you think you do."
"No?"
"No." I affirm.
He looks thoughtful for a moment, then walks over and harshly pulls up my left sleeve. "You have not yet taken the mark. A loyal follower considers it an honor to be branded. To be so intimately connected to his master. And the Dark Lord knows it."
"Knows what?"
"Knows that no matter your proclamations, no matter your eloquence, you are still, in your heart, a Dumbledore. You cannot deny it, Bena."
I withdraw my arm from his grasp but make no comment. I stare defiantly up in his eyes. His anger fades and he looks at me plaintively.
"We should leave." He says simply. The matter has been dropped. I nod and follow him out the door and out the castle. The grounds are empty as we move along them. Severus had grabbed a filled flagon on our way out the door, for what I do not know.
We arrive at Headquarters minutes before meeting time. Everyone is there, mostly laughing together. I prefer the happy laughter at the Order gatherings to the sinister cackles of the Death Eater meetings. Here, the members are friends. The Death Eaters are merely colleagues in pain.
Uncle calls the meeting together, and fills everyone in on recent developments. I am surprised at how much has been happening without my knowledge. I glance to Severus, whose jaw line is tight. He knew most of this, it seems.
Molly and Arthur Weasley both look pale. Percy, their oldest, is still considered a potential threat to Order. Albus does not think he is under the Imperious, simply blinded by his love for power. And it is that quest that frightens them. They are both risking glances at my husband; I am sure thoughts of Severus' own thirst for power having been the driving force behind his decision to follow Voldemort.
Albus names a list of former students he is wary of. There are members from three of the houses. Gryffindor seems still immune. Severus brings up the topic, and I notice Minerva's nostrils flare. Dumbledore and the other listen to him, especially the noteworthy example of Peter Pettigrew turning traitor, which elicits a reaction from Remus. Dumbledore nods and says that even Gryffindor is not free from the temptation, but that none of his informants seem to point that way. Severus agrees for the moment, but warns again that they must be suspect.
A few moments later, the Order disperses. On our way out the door, Severus thrusts the flagon at Remus, who, startled at the gesture, looks up.
"Thank you, Severus. I had almost forgotten."
Severus sneers, "It is fortunate then, that I did not. It would not do for Dumbeldore's pet werewolf to be wild in a few night's time."
Remus lowers his gaze to the flagon and gives a sad smile. He uncorks the potion and downs it in one go, his features grimacing at the taste. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and gives the flagon back to Severus.
"Thank you." He says simply.
Severus looks at him but only nods. I give Remus a small look as I follow Severus out the door.
"Is it so very difficult for you to be pleasant?" I ask the moment we are outside.
"You know my reasons for being rude to the werewolf."
"I don't mean only Remus. Molly and Arthur are frightened for Percy. All you did tell them how to cope with the loss of their son as a decent human being."
He turns on me. "It is not my job to make others feel good about themselves and their situation. I have been through the underworld and back, Bena. I have seen the lowest depravity of wizardkind and lived to tell about it. I have partaken in the most wicked and vile acts known to us. And yet I am still here. I know the horrors and I am not about to hand hold anyone. Do you understand?"
His speech was completely true. Severus has never been one to sugarcoat anything. That has always been left to Albus.
"You are right, Severus."
He nods. "Let us go home. Tomorrow classes start and you will need your strength."