-Chapter Seven: Officially Nuts
-By Natali
Present Date—I've lost trackWell, here it is diary:
I am officially nuts. Officially. No doubt in my mind. James spoke with me yesterday, when I called him down. And I am officially nuts.
I, Lily Evans, am dressed up. What for? To go out. Go out where? To James's new house. Why? Because I'm about to accept him back.
If he begs enough.
Why again?
Because I love him, and I'm just so confused.
He's keeping some dark, dark, dark secret from me. I can just… TELL.
I'll write later. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows?
Depending on the outcome of my wild escapade, I may or may not write.
Guess which outcome would make me NOT write…
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(-Present…-)
"You are crazy," Lily muttered. "Bloody crazy, and you've no clue what the fuck you're doing here, in front of James's new house, in front of his gate, the gate to his house, of which he bought in my neighborhood, the neighborhood in which I live, that also contains James's house."
She took a deep breath, still staring at the white gate. All she'd have to do was open it, walk ten paces, and she'd be at the front door. Then she'd have to go inside. Then she'd—worst of all—have to figure out an excuse to why she was here in the first place.
"You don't think things through, you nincompoop," she scolded herself, scowling. "Impulse. You've always done things on impulse. Why, wasn't that time that you and James went into the bathroom at The Three Broomsticks on impulse? And what happened afterward?" She shivered in remembrance. "Yes, oh, impulses. What a royal pain in my arse."
Suddenly, the door opened, and Lily yelped, jumping slightly. "Oh, hi… Sirius. Erm, what are you doing here?"
"Sorry, Lils, wrong line," he smiled, shutting the door. Sobering as he came closer to her, he dropped his voice and spoke out of the corner of his mouth. "James is watching you from the third story, in the attic. I suggest you stop making a fool of yourself, grow some, and get in there. I doubt he expects that you'd come in. Later."
"Help yourself to anything in my fridge," she called after him, as he was sure to be on his way to see Rachel.
"Thanks, will make sure to do that!"
Turning back—and now aware that someone was watching her—she slammed the gate open, and shut it. As if by their own accord, her feet started shuffling forward, and in no time she was at the door.
"Bloody hell," she whimpered, knocking once then entering. The house was musty, but it was grand nonetheless. A sweeping staircase was to her right, and a two-story high entrance hall is where she found herself. The second floor balcony could be seen from her position, as well as its doors and boxes.
He must still be moving in.
She stepped forward carefully, trying to gauge where exactly the attic would be. It would have to overlook the front lawn, which law north. She turned to the stairs, and started her way up them.
"What a miracle James doesn't have a butler or some House Elf," she muttered.
I've really got to stop this talking out loud to myself thing, she thought. It's spooking even me, and I must've looked utterly ridiculous from the attic, talking to myself and standing in front of that damned gate for five minutes.
Finally, after searching for several minutes, she managed to find a door open, with a staircase inside. It was a small, cramped space, but she felt she could do it. After all, if James's big manly frame could fit, so could she.
There's always apparating, she mused bitterly, climbing. Now why didn't I think of that before? Bloody idiot witch.
"James? You there?" she called out softly, winding her way through coats, boxes, dust, and what she was pretty sure was a pile of bones. She hoped there was a rat or something up here and not something else.
"We're here," came his reply.
We? Lily's inside froze, and she halted for a moment. Who else could be with him, in this dusty, dark, private place? Was it a girl? Was she intruding? Lily felt sick, and wished she hadn't been impulsive.
"Why me?" she mouthed heavenward, continuing her trek.
"Yeah, we're here, Lily."
Oh! It's Remus! Lily smiled, keeping down a giggle. It'd be nice to see him again. It's been a few months.
"Hello," she said, emerging from a rack of dusty dresses that must have been from the early 1900s. With a cough, she waved. "Nice"—cough—"afternoon, isn't it? I"—cough—"hope I'm not"—cough—"interrupting." She gave a sneeze, and then finally opened her watery eyes. She'd always been allergic to dust.
"You shouldn't have come up. You're allergic to dust," James stated absently, handing her a handkerchief. It was one of the odd things about him. He'd always carried one, and one that matched with his clothes too.
"I'm fine," Lily insisted. "Hi, Remus. How've you been?"
"Dandy, and randy," Remus smiled, kissing her cheek. "Did you need something?"
"Well…" Lily hesitated, looking away. "I was hoping to speak with James a bit, if you don't mind."
She was surprised by the scowl that came onto his face. "No," he lied, starting forward. "Not a bit. James, do me a favor mate, and be a man, you coward."
"Remus, shut up," James said dryly, drinking something from a cup. "And by God, go get shagged with Sirius, will you? I'm tired of hearing you."
"You need some sense in you," Remus retorted hotly. "You've got something not right up in that head of yours! You—"
"What are you, children?" Lily interrupted, stepping between them and feeling like her old self. "Go on, Remus. I'll be fine."
"I hope he won't," Remus muttered, downing his own drink. "There's hard liquor in my room, if either of you will be needing it. Lily, I suggest you drink double. Good bye." He disappeared with a pop.
"That was odd," Lily said softly, turning to look at him. Her skin crawled, because he looking at her with that same look he used to get, one that had never made her doubt his feelings for her.
I love you, that look said. And I wish we were anywhere but here.
"Stop it," she whispered, moving her head. "Don't do that, you don't mean it."
"And you swear that I know what you're talking about." He didn't expect to be answered, so she didn't. but his hands on her shoulders were too much.
"You've got nerve, Potter," she said sharply, but not quite enough as much as James's conscience would've liked. Yeah, it hurt, but not enough to make him back off.
"So do you, standing in front of my house muttering to yourself."
"Touché." There was an eerie silence as she contemplated how she should begin her proposal. Finally, she decided on one. "Do you know what bugs me? How at the end of some stories people say 'And they lived happily ever after'. That's not true, there's just no such thing."
"There are things close to it," he said carefully, choosing his words. "What do you mean by being here, Lils. Just say it."
"You don't hate me."
"No," he sighed, "I do not."
"You even called me Lils."
"You've always been Lils to me, even before we went out. Always, in my head… In my heart."
"You're lying."
"I'm not; I really did think of you as—"
"Not that. Either you're lying about wanting to break up with me, or everything we've ever been has been a lie. A total, and huge lie." Head still averted, she played with her necklace, pulling at his heart.
Don't you do it, you selfish jackass, Remus's voice said in his head. Don't you dare beg her back—you don't deserve her.
"I don't deserve you."
"Who cares, and who's keeping track?"
"You don't get it, Lily!" he said angrily, stepping away. "You don't get it one bit!"
She whirled around, her fieriness—his favorite part—coming fully.
"Not because I don't want to, but because you've blocked me out and you've tried again and again and again to block me out, James Potter, and I've had it up to my fucking eyes with it!" she roared, growing red in the face. "I don't get it because you won't let me."
He growled—he actually growled!—and stepped towards her menacingly. "I've kept you protected for a very long time, Lily, so don't start lecturing on 'doing right'. If I didn't know what was right, I wouldn't be in this position right now! But because I'm human, just like you, I let down my guard and moved in seven bloody houses from you, where you can come and do… this!"
"This?" she repeated, pitch rising. "What is 'this'? Is this coming over here, admitting my insanity, and trying to understand why I still want you back 'this'? Is that bloody good enough for your 'this', James?"
"Shut up, Lils, you're crazy and don't know the better of it."
"Shove it up your arse, James. You've always been such an asshole."
"At least I'm not a colossal bitch who can't seem to make up her fucking mind about any fucking feelings and doesn't care about toying with a man's already fucked up emotions."
"Oh, you're one to talk, about 'toying with emotions'," she hissed, poking his stomach hard. "You really do have the gall to say that, don't you? And I bet you totally believe it, too."
"I laid it out for you—224. But no, you've got to go and give me a bloody equation. What is it? X equals the opposite of b plus or minus the square root of 4ac over 2a?"
She stared. "What on earth are you talking about?"
"Nothing. Forget it. Get out of my house, Lily, for your own good."
"The hell I am!"
"The hell you are!"
"If you don't keep your voice down, someone's going to think there's something wrong up here and call the authorities or something," she bit out, closing her eyes in aggravation.
"Oh, really?" he laughed. "And who exactly would hear us? BAM OUR FUCKING DOG?!"
"He is not 'ours' anymore, he is 'yours'," she screamed back. "Do you remember that I bought him for you one day in Diagon Alley, and we said we'd share him, but you kept him when you broke up with me for no reason!"
He drew breath in a hiss. "I had—have—a reason."
A perfect, red eyebrow rose haughtily. "Oh, really? Let's hear it then. Let's hear why the infamous, dashing James Potter felt it necessary to break poor little Lily's heart."
Abruptly, he pushed her back against a wall, and she broke out in tears, tired of trying to hold them back. She continued on relentlessly, driving a stake into his cold, lonely heart with every trenchant word.
"You're a worthless, useless waste of skin! I came over here to talk to you, James, because for some outrageous reason, I want you back because I have never loved someone the way that I love you. Never!" She gave a big sob. "And I'm such a fool, such a bloody, idiot fool!"
James remained quiet, the lump in his throat growing larger with each second. He was going to back down, he could feel it. After all that shit, he was backing down.
"The necklace," he croaked out, gripping her arms tighter without realizing it. She winced in pain, but didn't make to move out of his reach. "The one I gave you—the one you're wearing—is what Lord Voldemort is looking for. I gave it to you because it wasn't safe in my family anymore. I'd never expected that… we'd last." His grip tightened yet again, but Lily wasn't listening.
Hatred filled her, and her tears became angry—angrier than she'd ever been with him.
"How could you keep something like that from me?"
"I thought it was for the best."
"WELL NOW LOOK WHERE WE ARE!" she screamed in his face, wrenching her arm out of his hold long enough to slap him across the face.
It seemed as if the whole world had stilled, and Lily stared in horror as her fingers began to appear on his face. "James, James… I didn't mean to…"
"Don't you get it?" he whispered lethally. "Don't you understand? For whatever reason the Dark Lord wants that necklace, the only way he could get it is if it was through my family and to end my line—the Potters—forever?"
"So why not prove him wrong?" she sniffed, leaning her head back against the wall.
"You're stupid if you don't see this, Lily."
"Are we back to 'this'?" she yelled. "I'll give you another slap, if that's what you need to right your head!"
"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME AGAIN, LILY!" he roared, recapturing her arm and holding it against the old wall.
With all the hatred she could muster—and by now there was quite a lot of it—she put all her effort into conveying it in a deadly whisper. "I hate you."
There are three words that could make you feel as if you're on top of the world, and then there are three that make you want to die, kill yourself, and never feel anything again. Maybe drink yourself into a drunken stupor and high dive off the Tower of London.
Those three words Lily had just told him so convincingly were the latter.
"I know," he said simply. "I know you do."
She collapsed against him, sobs racking her body. "No, no, no."
"I hate me too," he whispered into her hair. "I really can't see how you could ever love me. I'm the most—"
"James, I didn't mean it," she whispered against his cheek, bringing up the hand that slapped him to the cheek that still bore her mark. With loving caresses, she managed to dull the sting a bit, but not the ache inside of him. "I didn't mean a word of it."
"Yes, you did."
"But I take it back." She hugged him. "Why don't you talk to me?"
"Because. I don't want you to get hurt."
"There are no such things as happy endings, but 'there are things close to it'. Don't you think this is one?" she whispered, giving his jawbone tender, loving little kisses. "Why not?"
"Because you're on the line, and that's not something I'm willing to risk," he replied, but he was returning the kisses. Slowly, but very surely.
"Together, James… when haven't we been able to do something?"
"We haven't been able to stay together for over a year."
"No one is perfect," she smiled, inching her way to his lips, the lips she'd missed so much.
"No, Lily," he pleaded, brushing his lips on hers. "Oh, Lils."
The silence in the attic this time was neither awkward nor angry nor sad. It was one that held promise, hope, a future.
And yeah, even love.
Lily sneezed suddenly, straight into James's mouth.
"Ew!" he laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed…
She laughed with him, hugging his middle, and he hugged her back. They were like that for a long while until tears of laughter ran down their faces and their sides ached.
"That… was… one of the most… disgusting things I've ever witnessed," he gasped, pulling her against him.
"It was just a sneeze!" she said in her defense. "You have my spit in your mouth, but me sneezing disgusts you?"
"No, it only amuses me," he smiled, kissing her again, cutting off whatever smart retort she was preparing to make. "Let's get out of here, before you sneeze again."
"You are so cruel!" she grinned, walking beside him in an intimate hug. "Does this mean we're back on…?"
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-A/N: I am not quite done yet guys, and I'm sorry it took so long. But I really liked this chapter. I only expect one chapter, perhaps another as well, as an epilogue.
Jill: I did say I'd do a club scene, didn't I? Well… Expect one next chapter then LOL.
Holy Trinity: Glad you liked! Sorry the timelines are confusing. Yes, virginal Lily is a bit old, but I have… I think two or three of her, so who I am to talk?
Greengrl: Ecstatic that you like, sorry it's ending. I'm a tad sad. But I have too many things to do.
Arch: LOL I miss you so much.
PotterChick958: Lol, still a dumb ass? Idk, maybe he is still. As far as good intentions, he was stupid. Ooh, spanish soap operas are so funny. Lol, I'm watching mine sorry. Hey, hey, I get into a few of those moods. LMAO, ok so not like THAT. She was exaggerated. Was it sooner? Sorry, school is an ass. Hey, you lucky thing, all those guys! Will James redeem himself… Hmm… I'm not sure. Is this it? No, I think he was an idiot, so he has to do something better. Don't ask me what. How does awesome sex sound? Idk what to do with the necklace!
Brilover: Sorry you were disappointed. I thought it was relevant, but maybe not? Eh, never promised it'd be a good story with a good plot. It's just good romantic shit. Or maybe not even good, but moderate. Does this chapter help a bit?