When Innocence is Given

By: Rabid Turtle

Author: Kaoru's POV. Her memories are in italics.

Disclaimer: No I don't own Rurouni Kenshin so you can't sue me. Hah.

Chapter 4: Unthinkable

Guilt swallowed me up. I could not stop replaying the conversation in my head over and over. I saw Kenshin's face light up with excitement when he thoughtfully invited me to someone's party. I saw his face crumble when I rejected him. I saw myself cold-heartedly brushing him aside as I raced to get away. What had he done to deserve this? Kenshin had been so kind to me and I had refused to repay him. He probably hated me now. I know I hated me. Kenshin probably never wanted to see me again. Why did that make me feel so miserable? Wasn't this what I wanted? To be left alone and forgotten? Somehow, remembering his handsome face marred with shocked disappointment, I didn't care that my rejection was for his own good, that this was the safest course for me. I only knew that at that moment all I wanted to do was run back to him and tell him...

I shook my head mockingly. Tell him what? That I was ready to stop hiding from the world for a while? That I was ready to clamber out of my shell, at least for a little bit?

I sighed. I had lost the only chance I had and just thinking about it nearly drove me insane. However, was all this really that surprising? I knew I was shy. I knew I was uninteresting and dull. I knew I was ugly. I knew I had no redeeming qualities. Wasn't it better to have stopped Kenshin from seeing who I really was than to have waited for him to learn to hate me?

With these thoughts swirling around madly in my head, I trudged into my last class of the day: English.

" Baby...I'm glad you could make it. I saved you a seat by me. Why don't you come sit down? Uhu-hu-hu..."

Frozen, I glanced wildly around the room. There was the muscular boy, patting the chair next to him, grinning nastily. I shuddered as all my earlier thoughts swiftly flew from my mind.

"Leave Kaoru alone Jin'eh! No girl in her right mind would want to sit next to a pervert like you! Kaoru, you can sit next to me, where you won't have to deal with assholes like him," Misao smiled encouragingly at me.

As I slipped into the sit next to her I quietly whispered my thanks.

"Don't mention it. Guys like him always do this to the new girls. He'll hopefully stop after a few weeks. Anyway, I'm sooo glad you're in my English class. I suck at English and need all the help I can get. Besides, you seem so much nicer than Megumi and Yumi. All they do is gossip about this and that, blah blah blah. From now on, I'm considering you to be a close friend of mine. You don't mind, do you?"

I smiled cautiously, "Well..."

"I'm not taking no for an answer! From this day forward we will be the best of friends, comrades in arms against all the perverts after us! That doesn't sound too bad does it?" Misao playfully looked at me.

My smile grew wider," No, I guess it doesn't."

- - - - - - - - - - -

The house was empty when I got home. Although, even if my parents had been there I'd still have no one to welcome me back. Even after all this time, we were still dysfunctional around each other. Sometimes my mother wouldn't even look at me, afraid that I would see what so plainly shone through her eyes. Her bitterness. Her grief. I knew she blamed me for what had happened to my brother. Hell, I blamed myself for what happened and felt I deserved the quiet hostility she sometimes showed me.

It still hurt, though, knowing your own mother couldn't stand to look at you.

I wandered through the silent, vacant rooms, not really knowing why, just feeling the need to move. Most rooms were still full of boxes and old white sheets still covered most of the furniture. We always said we would unpack tomorrow or next weekend but we never did. It's funny how neatly you can seal away your memories of happier times in cardboard boxes, almost as if they never were real. It's funny...and sad.

I had finally made it to my room, one of the few places where things were mostly unpacked. Tiredly, I crawled into my bed. I needed a nap.

- - - - - - - -

I was lying on my back, watching the ceiling fan rotate around and around in a never-ending circle.

Blood was everywhere. Sou's blood. That...man's blood. But not my blood.

The guilty never paid with their blood.

Glass was twinkling at me, scattered through-out the blood-soaked carpet, like precious diamonds spread on red velvet.

It took me awhile to remember why there was glass everywhere. And then I saw the lamp beside me.

I turned over and..

- - - - - - - - -

I woke up suddenly, my hands covering my mouth to suppress a silent scream. The moonlight shone through my window, making my ceiling fan create wildly shifting shadows. I turned the fan off. I don't think I slept at all after that.

- - - - - - - - -

My favorite part of the day was when I walked to school. Everything was bathed in dew, where even the most unattractive yard looked like a dazzling Garden of Eden. The swirling mist felt cool and refreshing on my face and you could barely see the sun through the trees. I felt like the last person on earth who had been granted the gift of seeing the day reborn. The silence was comforting in a strange way and I was always careful to be as quiet as I could so as not to disturb it.

But the moment was always broken. The hot, burning sun always destroyed my Garden of Eden, while the chirping of the newly awoken birds shattered the unearthly silence. Life always awoke.

When I finally trudged the last few blocks to the high school, I could see Misao waiting for me. I smiled. Misao had a knack of making me do that.

"Kaoru! Hey, what's up? I'm soooo glad it's Friday! I'm sick of school already! How many days do we still have left? 800? But enough about me. How has today been treating you?" Misao stopped bouncing around for a minute to look at me in a scrutinizing way, " You look tired."

I grimaced. "My ceiling fan kept me up so yeah I'm tired. Is breakfast served here? I didn't get a chance to eat. Uh...Misao?"

She was staring dreamily at something behind me. I turned and saw a tall dark-haired guy get out of his car and walk into the building.

I grinned mischievously, "You like him don't you? He was the one you were staring at during yesterday's lunch right?"

She sighed unhappily. "I have wanted to marry Aoshi Shinomori ever since I was four. Everyone knows it too. Umm...Kaoru can I ask you something?"

"Yeah? What is it?"

"I know we haven't known each other for very long but I want to ask you a favor. You see, there is this party going on this weekend and I heard that Aoshi was going and I thought that maybe if I went I could start talking to him and maybe he'd start liking me more, but I'm too embarrassed to go by myself so I was wondering if you could come with me to be a sort of support system. It'll be really fun. I could introduce you to a lot of nice people. Please say yes. I don't know what to do if you don't help me!"

Amazingly, she had rambled this entire spiel all in one breath and stood their panting for air, gazing hopefully at me.

I groaned inwardly. As soon as I started to like someone, they asked me for the impossible. I looked at her. Hope and excitement were practically gushing out of her eyes. I didn't want to see Misao's face crumble. I didn't want to walk cold-heartedly away from her because I had refused to help her. I was tired of being the one to say no.

And so I did the unthinkable.

I said I would go.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Author: Now before all of you start pelting me with stones, demanding to be told the reason why Kaoru refused to go with Kenshin and then on the next day decides to help Misao, let me explain. Kaoru feels extremely guilty in the way she treated Kenshin. Right Kaoru?

Kaoru: (nods)

Author: And you don't want to hurt another person like that again, especially when they went out of their way to be nice right?

Kaoru: (nods again)

Author: And at the party you're gonna tell Kenshin about your long and horribly interesting past so people can stop thinking your insane, right?

Kaoru: (starts to nod, realizes she's been had, and pulls out a bokken to beat the author senseless with)

Author: Err, sorry guys. That is all I am permitted to say right now. (hides from scary raccoon girl)

(rolls eyes) This is what happens when I drink caffeine. Anyway review and make me insanely happy!!

To Reviewers:

Aoshi-Sama's weaselgirl- (grins) Thanks for reviewing!! It made me update !!