When Innocence is Given

By: Rabid Turtle

Author: Again, I am deeply sorry for the wait. Not only did finals and a Christmas vacation project pounce on me; I also had my first bout of writer's block. Hopefully, all my struggling pulled off. Kaoru's POV.

Chapter 8: Family Ties

Tonight, I can't seem to sleep. Thoughts are whirling around in my mind so fast that I am almost dizzy. I have known Misao and the others for a month now and every day with them seems to revive something in me that I had once thought was dead. I am so grateful that I have been blessed with friends like these. I smile at my ceiling. An emotion that has been pervading all my conscious hours threatens to overwhelm me and I am so frightened that it will be taken away, like it always has been.

I am happy.

Those three small words continue to haunt me. I know too well that happiness can be crushed in an instant, that one wrong choice can snuff out any sense of security you might have once had.

'Wrong choices…' my already faltering smile crumbles.

'If I hadn't been so angry…If I had actually listened to what Sou was saying instead of running off…If I had been stronger…My brother would be alive today.'

Guilt is a disease, one that slowly eats at your soul. You become empty, living off of dead memories, surrounded by demons of your own making.

And sometimes not even happiness is enough to keep them at bay.

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I really love how teachers tend to believe that your life must revolve around their class and so, to prevent their students from having no purpose to exist, they create insanely detailed projects meant to take up every second of the day. Thankfully, our English teacher was slightly less sadistic than most and let us have partners for our semester assignment.

However, as I looked at my 'teammate' I had to admit that I would have been better off on my own. Instead of working diligently, Misao was sitting on a chair in my kitchen, forlornly looking out the window. She sighed miserably.

I blinked. Misao was sighing? Misao was anything but happy? What could have caused this happy-go-lucky girl to be so…un-Misao like? Needless to say, I was worried. Nevertheless, I continued to work on the assignment in front of us. I knew it would be better if Misao started the conversation rather than me asking what was wrong.

"I can't do this any longer!! I have to tell someone or I will explode!" Misao suddenly looked dramatically at me, " Kaoru I must speak up! Don't try to stop me because it's no use!"

I looked quizzically at her, " Umm…okay. What?"

She sighed pitifully again, looking slightly put out that I didn't even pretend to try to stop her from spilling out her troubles. " Have you ever wanted something so bad that you thought you would die if you didn't get it? Ever since I have started to hang out with you…and Kenshin, I have been in the presence of my Aoshi more than I have ever been in my entire life. And yet…he still doesn't notice me. It's like there is a wall in between us that can't be knocked down, no matter how hard I try. I really think I am going to go crazy if he doesn't start to acknowledge my existence soon! Kaoru, I just feel so…unhappy. I don't know what to do."

Throughout Misao's 'confession' I was slowly but surely panicking. Why did everyone think I was some sort of counselor? Hell, I had trouble keeping me afloat not to mention everyone else. I knew nothing of relationships, especially the kinds involving a block of ice and a lovable drama queen. Why must I be thrown into situations where I am so inept?

"Misao I probably am not the best person you should be asking but…umm.. well my advice is that instead of worrying about Aoshi's lack of uhh…communication, just be patient and ready to help him whenever he needs it. And…it might be smart to get used to the idea that it could take a long time for him to open up. But then again, what do I know about stuff like this? I could be wrong. You might want to talk to your sister though. Last time I talked to her, she seemed really worried about you."

Misao seemed to absorb this information, "Yeah, Okon has been acting weird lately. But I already know what she has to say about Aoshi and me. ' We aren't compatible, not made for each other, blah blah blah.' Okon thinks she is soo smart because she is older than I am. But what does she know? She can't possibly understand how complex this is."

I shifted uncomfortably. "She probably understands better than I do. I really have no experience with this kind of stuff."

Nervousness overtook Misao's features. " Yeah that's another thing I wanted to talk about. I probably am going to make you really, really mad and I am really sorry about that but…Kaoru, what are you doing with Kenshin?"

What!?! How did this conversation get out of hand so fast? " I have no idea what you are talking about. Me and Kenshin are just friends. Nothing more, nothing less."

Misao frowned. " I know that. I didn't think you guys were umm..'together' or anything but Kaoru…how can you even be friends with him? The night at Sano's party…Kenshin tried to kill Jin'eh. Kenshin WAS killing him. If you hadn't stopped him, Jin'eh would be dead right now. How can you be friends with a killer? He could be extremely dangerous. How can you trust him?"

" Kenshin was drunk. It wasn't entirely his fault. Besides, Jin'eh was attacking me. Without Kenshin interfering, who knows what could have happened." I defensively said. Wait a second…why do I suddenly feel the need to start defending my reasons? This conversation needed to end. Soon.

" But is that really an excuse to murder? What Jin'eh was doing was horrible, but what Kenshin did was wrong too. He just kept hitting and hitting, even though Jin'eh had long since stopped trying to defend himself. You say that he was drunk like that is some great excuse for almost killing a person. Kenshin is a violent drunk. How can you be safe with someone who at any moment could turn into such a…monster? I'm sorry if this hurts you Kaoru but I am your friend and I think you just needed to be…warned."

I stared stiffly at the wall and whispered. "I am glad you care enough about me to want to help me but I don't think Kenshin is a threat to my safety. I think we should stop talking about this. I don't want to get mad at you," I shook my head and tried to smile, " Let's try to finish up more of this project okay? I don't feel like working on this during the weekend."

Sensing that I would refuse to talk about it more Misao nodded and started to half-heartedly work on her part of the assignment. We soon began much lighter conversation and things appeared to return to normal, even getting to the point where Misao reminded me that Okon had promised to take us to the grand opening of the first mall to be built in Smithville, where we would meet Kenshin and his friends.

But still, even after Misao left, her warning resounded in my mind like some somber bell. The seeds of doubt had been planted. Why had I felt the need to befriend Kenshin that day? Even to myself, I knew I couldn't come up with a good answer. What I had done was slightly foolish, probably almost to the point of being unwise. But still…he could be so nice, making me feel like I was just a regular girl with a regular life. It was a nice fantasy to believe in even though I knew that it was far from the truth. It's nice to believe that you are happy.

"Oh. You're still here. I thought you would be at what's-her-name's house today." I turned and saw my mother with a bag of groceries, a fake smile plastered on her face.

"Misao and I decided to come here instead. I hope that it's not a problem. She just left though."

My mother stiffly walked past me. "Oh that is fine. Just don't make it a habit. Too many people here without me knowing makes me nervous."

I nodded silently and trudged up to my room so my presence wouldn't be as oppressive to my mother. Sometimes I felt like a prisoner in my own home where the roles of convict, guard, and judge were all carried out by me.

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You could feel it coming. You felt it in the air, saw it in their faces. The undercurrents of the conversation would cut deeply, making a jaw or hand clench in repressed anger. Arguments at dinner would always start like this, like a storm building over the ocean before it becomes a tsunami and destroys all in its path. All I could do was watch, horrified and fascinated, flinching at every word that hurt and bled and broke the few family ties our relationship with each other clung to.

"Ah, I see you worked hard preparing dinner for us. Must have taken effort to call for take out. Or have you taken the time to put the number on speed dial?" my father sarcastically smiled at my mother from across the dinner table.

A dull blush rose on to her face. " I have been busy. I didn't have time to make anything. Besides, what did you do today that made you so above helping your wife in the kitchen?"

He glared. "You never used to need my help. I can remember plenty of times where my family came down to eat a healthy meal, where we had nice conversations with each other…."

Interrupting, my mother had a sinister tone in her whispered voice. "Times change. No one in this room is the same person they were six years ago. How can you expect us to be the same after…"

Suddenly, my father slammed his clenched fist on the table, knocking down his bottle of beer. "Why can't you get over it? It's over and done with. No use pouting and making everyone else miserable. At least Kaoru and I make an effort to continue our lives in a somewhat normal fashion. All you do is sit in this house and bitch about everything. Wake up woman!!"

Her voice rising to almost a shriek, my mother's breath became erratic. " POUTING?!? POUTING?!? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? MY SON IS DEAD! MY SON IS DEAD!" She turned her wild gaze at me, " And it's because of her! You yell at me but it's her fault! Why don't you send her away? I can't stand looking at her, trying to pretend that I still love her! She is my daughter but I wish she had never been born. I want you to send her away! Make her go to some boarding school. I promise…I promise, I would be happier if she was gone!"

Roaring my father stood up, knocking back his chair. " I WILL NOT HAVE MY FAMILY BREAK UP! Kaoru is going to stay here where she belongs and you are going to stop treating her like shit. She is your daughter, god damn it! I will not have my family talk to each other like that. We WILL be happy."

My mother glared at me, " This is all your fault. I hate you. I hate you! I wish you died at birth!"

"That's it!! You're going on medication first thing tomorrow. You're a god dammed physco!"

They didn't notice when I left the room. I don't think they noticed much of anything, so I guess I shouldn't feel bad. I guess. The strange part though was that no matter how bad their fight got, the next day everyone would pretend nothing had happened and would go about in their strained way of living. However, my parent's fighting did drive home a simple truth to me. The closer you are to a person, the more you can hurt them. I had been stupid in letting Kenshin and even Misao weasel their way into my life. Very stupid. And even though I could not bring myself to intentionally drive them away I would make sure that in the future they wouldn't be any closer to me than they already were.

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Author: And there you go. On to chapter 9.

To Reviewers:

kik-ting: Well here is the 8th chapter! My updates will probably still be sporadic because of school but I will do my best. I am glad you like that Kaoru and Sou are siblings!

Chikifriend: I just want to thank you again for everything. Hopefully this chapter shows that Kaoru is almost regretting befriending Kenshin. I breathlessly await your review. :)

legolasEstelstar: Thank you for your review and support!

prohibited: Hmmm…well they still aren't together are they? Yes I know…this update wasn't the…uh…fastest but I hope you will forgive me!

Aoshi-Sama's weaselgirl: ::shakes fist:: Stupid teachers and their homework assignments!

Nekotsuki: ::grins:: Hiko is one of my favorite characters so I am immensely pleased that you think I have done well with him! And I am so sorry I haven't review TJ! My life is hectic!

flaming-amber: Don't worry! I don't feel bad at all. In fact, I am glad that you take the time to give me advice! Thank you for your review. It is very appreciated.

JBella: Yes I have to admit that I am taking lots of liberties with Kamitari…but I cant help it! He can be so darn cute! I am very happy you like him as much as I do.

Kaji-Hebi: Wow! Thank you for the compliment! I am glad that you think this is one of the better high school AU's out there. That was one of the reasons I started to write this. I was also tired of reading badly written AU's and I am glad you think I am doing well!

WhiteRabbit5: Honestly, I just love Hiko. I love how he makes Kenshin squirm. I love how he insults everyone. I just love him. I am very happy that you thought chapter 7 was great! I can't wait for your next review!

Half-breed-demon-fox: Hopefully you like this chapter as much as you did the last one!