A/N: Samantha's musings late one night. Set early season 3- before Malone vs Malone.
Disclaimer: Sorry, don't own it!
It still hurt sometimes. Not as much as it used to, when the pain and heartache would consume her- but yeah, it still hurt.
She glanced at Martin's sleeping face bathed in the gentle moonlight and felt a twinge of guilt. She always felt guilty when she thought of Jack. She was past it, she didn't love him anymore- but she couldn't forget the hurt it had caused.
She had been hurt too many times in her life to be able to forget and move on. God knows she wanted to, move on with Martin perhaps?
She didn't know quite what she felt for him, of course there was the surface attraction. But deeper down, she wasn't sure if it was love yet, she thought it was on it's way to love. But what was it? It was stronger than like. More passionate than care. And more meaningful than lust. But it still wasn't quite love.
She couldn't define it. She was content being with him, he made her feel special. And she had to admit, they were great together- they both knew that. But she couldn't decipher exactly what she was feeling. She looked at him asleep and felt her heart flutter, a smile coming to her face. Maybe she did love him?
She sighed rolling over, why was this so complicated?
Did Martin love her? It was too soon but she suspected he might. He had come close to saying it after she had been released from hospital after the drug runners case.
She had seen the hope in his eyes when she had asked him to share the cab months ago. Hope for what, she wondered. Casual sex? A proper relationship? She wanted more than causal sex with him, he was an amazing person. But she had issues, she knew that and was the first to admit it- would he want a relationship with her? Now, it was a few months on and yes, they were more than casual sex- they had a relationship. But she didn't know where it was going, of course she wanted it to move ahead. She knew that he did do, but there was always something holding her back. But she didn't know what.
She wanted to love him, she really did. She was so used to keeping people away, not showing emotion- she found it hard to say the words. In her life she had known little love and affection, and to feel these emotions now was honestly quite scary. She was scared what would happen if she did tell him, would everything change? Would he say it back, but not mean it and leave her? She knew she was over-reacting but she couldn't help it.
Jack had told her once, in the heat of the moment but she thought he regretted it after. And then he had left her, so the reasons for her over-reactions weren't completely unjust.
The more time she spent watching Martin sleep, the more she realized how perfect he was, how wonderful, and how lucky she was for finding someone like him.
She smiled softly, almost willing him to wake up and see the love in her eyes, that she could show but not say. But he didn't. One day she would work up the courage to tell him. One day.