Yes, your eyes did not deceive you, I actually wrote something that's not about Bosco. So hope some of you like it, I figured of all people on the show Carlos is close proximity of Bosco, they seem to kind almost act and think the same, or a did at one point. So I do hope you enjoy. Blame the muse, I thought I could drown it, and not write this piece, but it would have no other way!
Boscogirl thank you so much for helping me, looking it over and your great words of encouragement, can't say enough how much I need to thank you!
Also thank you, last minute help from Mona, I was going on 2 hours of sleep and you helped a crazy girl, so thanks gal!
Disclaimer: Don't own jack! Wish I did, but I'm ganking and I promise to put them back when I'm done ;)
Sweet Misery
I never realized what it was like to be human until Alex Taylor and Lt. Johnson died, and it took up to their deaths to realize this. I didn't really think much about it, until Holly Levine came into my life and turned it upside down. Now I find myself being somebody I never thought was possible.
For most of my life I believed my family wanted nothing to do with me. I was just some unlucky kid that nobody gave a damn about and I would never be able to call up my family. That was irritating on every end, hearing people referrer "if you have nothing, you always got family," then what did that mean to people like me, that I wasn't worth anything because I had no family?
Can't count how many times people would tell me, 'Carlos you're the most selfish person I know,' or some better yet were 'Hey Carlos, what the hell is the matter with you?' People act like they know you; think they can pass judgment just because they work with you, when they have no idea.
Every time I wanted to tell them, ask them how they think they would be if they weren't taught all the things they took for granted for. How to actually function as a human being, to act and have feelings not to be this defensive, to try and be the best person you could be and follow certain morals that had been embedded into your mind by your 'family.' Didn't help either, if you told people why you acted the way you did, and all they would do is brush you off. So why bother anymore?
So what? In order to survive, that's what I did all my life, looked after myself, I was my own family, and I had to be. But then I started working at the firehouse that was known for being the only one to stationed FD and EMS together, and we even had the police right across the street. When I came there, I had it all planned out, was going to go to medical school, become a doctor and roll out in the great life.
As I watched and I began to settle down in this new place, I realized they had a family without even realizing it themselves. Police, Firefighters, and EMS can only fully understand one another, and if you try to speak to somebody who is outside of it, they won't comprehend and they will look at you like your some kind of alien. So your blood brothers become those who wear the same uniform as you, and I watched it time and time again happen.
For cops and firefighters they hate each other, can't stand one another. Feel like the other one is getting in their way of the job, yell at one another of has the better job and whose is more dangerous. Yet let something happen, like 9/11 and they forget their stupid quarrels and they become one, and just bout the people they have to save.
When Bobby Caffey was on the brink of death, I was once again oddball out and I closed in my emotions, fear if I told them what I truly was feeling inside that I would be taking away from the grave situation and turning it into something about me. I was scared that I was still not part of that family, that was so worried about Bobby and that he would make it through, and not lose him to something so heinous. I wouldn't know until we were told about his death that I had become part of that family, they didn't know either and even though I didn't act like it, or show it, I was defiantly very protective of it.
Then Kiley came along. Defiantly didn't see that one coming, for I had thought Vangie had aborted it, or that's what she told me. She lied to me and before I knew it I had a little daughter that was looking to me, or would be in few years to come. This child would be my responsibility and I would be teaching this child how to work in the world, but how do I do that when I can't hardly function? That selfish came back into play, and before I knew it I wanted to keep her, I finally had family and I didn't want to loose her.
Reality sat in, there was no way I could provide for this child, there was no way I could give her the things she wanted, so I did the hardest thing in my life, give her up for adoption. Do the same thing that was done to me, only this time I stay in my kid's life, and I wouldn't let go, she' would always know she had other family if she needed me.
Then Lt. Johnson died, along with Alex Taylor, two in one great blow for us. That's what you never expect, not to lose one but two that's asking for a bit much. When they died, I had feelings that I never thought was possible. I was great at distancing myself, not getting attached but I had and now I was left with this feeling that no matter what it would not go away. That would be a trailing year for me, for then when I thought things couldn't' get worse with their deaths her foster mother had the worst news, Kylie was sick and needed bone marrow or she would die.
In all that turmoil, that had become my life, I ended up finding out I had a brother, a mother before she died wanted to know her son, she wanted to know there was a family looking for him. But my brother was the one that made it clear, he realized I had a family and I was taken care of, and our mother's prayers didn't go unanswered.
Then Holly, last person I would ever expect to fall for and I have, I fallen in love. Love for her sprit, the way she moves, the way she talks, and I can't get enough of her, and she brings out the best in me. What a way to start a life, but it is my life and no matter the ups and downs, the trials and tribulations, I have to say, my life, its going pretty damn good.
I
was lost
And you were found
You seemed to stand on solid
ground
I
was weak
And you were strong
And me and my guitar, we
strummed along, oh
Sweet
misery you cause me
That's what you called me
Sweet misery
you cause me
I
was blind
But oh, how you could see
You saw the beauty in
everything, everything and me
I
would cry
And you would smile
You'd stay with me a little
while
Sweet
misery you cause me
That's what you called me
Sweet misery
you cause me
And in my heart I see, oh
What you're doing
to me
And in my heart I see, oh
Just how you wanted it to be
Sweet misery
Oh, whoa
Sweet
misery you cause me
That's what you called me
Sweet misery
you cause me
And
in my heart I see, oh
What you're doing to me
And in my heart
I see, oh
Just how you wanted it to be
Sweet misery
I
was weak
And you were strong
And me and my guitar, we
strummed along.