Author's note: The first bit of this script was written about a year ago, so its probably really rubbish, but the last half was written within the last week or so. SO in theory it should be better…
This is, sort of, a "forgotten" episode from series six. It comes between 'Legion' and 'Gunmen of the Apocalypse'.
"IQE"
Scene 1 Model Shot
Starbug in space
Scene 2 Sleeping Quarters
LISTER is on his bed drinking a beer and reading a magazine. CAT is sitting at the table, looking at himself in a mirror. LISTER looks at his watch.
LISTER: Cat?
CAT: Yeah?
LISTER: Have you seen Rimmer today?
CAT: No, why?
LISTER: Oh, nothing. I was just expecting him, that's all.
We hear a loud RIMMER-like yell from outside the sleeping quarters. LISTER and CAT turn to the door. A moment later, RIMMER enters.
RIMMER: Alright, who did it?
LISTER: (looking innocent) Did what?
RIMMER: (imitating LISTER) "Did what?" I'll tell you what! The sign outside our door!
LISTER: What about it?
RIMMER: Oh, don't play the innocent with me, Lister. I'm on to you.
LISTER: What have I done?
RIMMER: The sign, the sign!
LISTER: WHAT SIGN?
RIMMER: The one that now says "Sleeping quarters of Dave Lister: Sex God, and Arnold Rimmer: No Sex God."
LISTER: That's not so awful.
RIMMER: Don't even get me started on the pictures!
LISTER: Oh. Right.
CAT: (sitting up, interested) What pictures?
RIMMER: Nothing.
CAT: What pictures?
RIMMER: It's nothing, OK?
CAT goes to leave the room to look at the pictures but RIMMER stands in his way. CAT steps to the right but RIMMER blocks him. CAT steps to the left but RIMMER still blocks him. This continues with RIMMER marking CAT until he just pushes RIMMER out of the way. A moment later he comes back in, a look of utter terror on his face.
CAT: I did not need to see that.
RIMMER: (to LISTER with excess melodrama) I'll get you for this. I don't know when, I don't know where, I don't know how. But believe me, I will.
He leaves the room. We hear paper being torn up outside. CAT looks at LISTER.
LISTER: Don't worry. I'll just print another one off.
CAT: You know, maybe you should just leave off old alphabet head for a while.
LISTER: Are you mad? Holly only brought him back to stop me goin' crazy. I'm beginnin' to understand why. If I stop pestering him in everything he does - if I stop harassing him - if I stop being a (imitating RIMMER) complete and utter gimboid - I will start to go strange. It's become my life's purpose.
CAT: Fine, but just make sure your harassment is only harassing him. I won't get a wink of sleep tonight after seeing that!
Scene 3 Kitchen
KRYTEN is standing by a stove with a chef's hat and apron on. He looks in a cupboard and takes out a saucepan which is put on the stove. He goes to another cupboard in search of food but doesn't find any. He goes to another. Still no luck. He goes to another and another and another, getting desperate. He reaches the last cupboard and a look of triumph hits his face, but quickly fades. We see why when he reaches into the cupboard and pulls out what looks like a brown lemon.
Scene 4 Sleeping Quarters
LISTER is in exactly the same position as before, opening a fresh can of beer. CAT is now looking in the full length mirror on the wall. RIMMER enters carrying a huge pile of papers. He puts them on the floor and glares at LISTER. LISTER just smiles back. KRYTEN enters looking perplexed.
LISTER: Kryten, man, I'm starvin'.
CAT: (pulling himself away from the mirror) Yeah! I haven't eaten in nearly 48 minutes! Where's the food?
KRYTEN: Please, don't be alarmed sirs.
LISTER suddenly sits up looking worried.
LISTER: Oh God, what's happened?
KRYTEN: (to himself) Engage lie mode. (To others) Oh, nothing much.
LISTER gets down from his bed and walks quickly over to KRYTEN.
LISTER: Lie mode cancel. What. Has. Happened?
KRYTEN: (unwilling to tell them) Um, there's no, well, you know, there's no, um, er, food left, sirs, um, yes.
CAT swivels round from the mirror.
CAT: WHAT?
LISTER: What?
RIMMER: (happily) What?
KRYTEN: (trying to regain control) Please, sirs. Like I said, there is no need to be alarmed.
LISTER: (becoming louder and more defensive) Alarmed? Me? I'm not alarmed! I'm totally unalarmed! No one is more unalarmed than me! Unalarmed is me smeggin' middle name!
KRYTEN: Please, Mr. Lister, sir. We can get food in a mere 3 hours.
CAT: 3 HOURS? I can't wait that long!
LISTER: Why 3 hours?
CAT: (clearly distraught) Oh, for some tuna!
RIMMER: (to CAT) Oh, calm down.
KRYTEN: 3 hours, sirs, is when we pass a planet where a stock ship has crashed. I've tried to establish contact for days, but it appears to be deserted, so –
CAT: (greedily) – it's ripe for the plucking!
KRYTEN: I was going to say, under Space Corps Directive 359, "If any stock ship is left uninhabited for a period of over a week, a passing ship may take bare essentials."
CAT: Bare essentials, huh? D'ya think they've got any clothes on board?
LISTER: What about naan bread?
Scene 5 Stock Ship Wreckage
The crew is walking down a very long room to a pile of food crates at the other end. LISTER and CAT break into a run.
RIMMER: (to KRYTEN) I think that's the first time I've ever seen them do anything remotely like exercise.
RIMMER and KRYTEN reach the food. LISTER and CAT have already started grabbing boxes.
LISTER: (to KRYTEN) Come on, man, start packing.
CAT: Yeah, I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!
He grabs a box labelled, "HORSE MEAT." He passes it to KRYTEN who puts it to one side. RIMMER looks around the room.
RIMMER: (with definite disgust) God this place is grim. So grey and lifeless. Look at that damp patch. Must have been spreading for months before this ship crashed. And look over there. Mouse droppings. God.
BEAT
Reminds me a bit of my childhood bedroom.
KRYTEN: I think we have all the bare essentials now, sirs.
LISTER and CAT turn around to see they have taken nearly the whole pile of boxes.
LISTER: OK. Let's go.
CAT: Wait!
KRYTEN: Mr. Cat. We can't possibly take any more boxes.
CAT: No, not that.
BEAT
Something doesn't smell right.
He looks around cautiously then suddenly stops, looking in the direction of the remaining boxes. He leaps out of shot into them, true catty-style, screaming at the top of his lungs. We hear a loud crash. Cut to see he has crashed into the boxes and is looking dazed and confused.
LISTER: Are you OK, man?
CAT: (disorientated) Yeah, I think so. But it's still here.
RIMMER: What is it?
CAT: (picking himself up) I don't know. You getting anything, Freak-Face?
KRYTEN: I'm picking up a very small presence. It can't possibly harm us, whatever it is.
RIMMER: (looking particularly relieved) Right then. Let's go. Back to Starbug.
CAT: I think we should check it out.
LISTER: What if it's a kid?
RIMMER: (impatiently) What?
LISTER: A kid. You know, a child. A human child. (he starts getting excited) We could raise it as one of our own! Think of it! Our own kid!
The others don't look too impressed by this little outburst.
LISTER: Well, whatever. I think we should check it out as well.
KRYTEN: I have to obey human command, so I say "Yes." (to RIMMER) Well, sir?
RIMMER looks hesitant, but…
RIMMER: Fine, but hurry up.
They follow CAT to the other side of the room. He sniffs around for a bit then crouches down. There is a very small hole in the wall. He sniffs around it for a while then nods, confidently.
CAT: It's in there.
RIMMER: (impatiently) Well, how are we supposed to get it, whatever it is?
CAT shakes his head, then gently touches the wall. A great deal of it falls away, revealing a very large hole. CAT looks up to the others. LISTER looks at RIMMER with a look of triumph on his face.
Scene 6 Mid-section
RIMMER, LISTER and CAT are huddled around a microscope. LISTER is looking down the microscope. KRYTEN enters.
KRYTEN: That's the last box. Now we can examine this thing. (to LISTER) Excuse me, sir.
LISTER steps out of the way and KRYTEN looks into the microscope.
KRYTEN: I think I know what this is. It's an IQE.
CAT: A what?
KRYTEN: An IQE. An Intelligence Quota Egg. Only one other person has seen one.
RIMMER: What does it do?
KRYTEN: We don't know. The person who discovered it died shortly afterwards, so didn't really have a very good chance of recording his experiments on it.
RIMMER: Brilliant, Einstein. Ta, ever so. All that wasted time and effort finding it, bringing it back and finding out what it was and we don't even know how to use it.
LISTER: Maybe it's like one of those toys you get that responds to sound.
He demonstrates by clapping his hands once. Nothing happens to the egg, but a screen behind him turns on. CAT notices this.
CAT: Uh, buddy?
LISTER: Not now.
He claps again. Still nothing happens to the egg, but the screen turns off again. KRYTEN has noticed what is happening.
KRYTEN: Um, sir, I don't think –
LISTER: Kryten, not now.
He claps again. Still nothing happens to the egg but the screen, once again, turns back on. This time RIMMER notices.
RIMMER: God, you really are thicker than two milkshakes mixed with extra-hold superglue aren't you, Listy?
LISTER: (turns round to face RIMMER) What? (he claps again and the screen turns off. This time he notices.) Oh.
RIMMER shakes his head and walks out. After a moment, LISTER shrugs at CAT.
Scene 7 Model Shot
Starbug in space
Scene 8 Mid-section
RIMMER enters, followed by a very grumpy CAT.
CAT: (loudly) This better be important. You're shaving precious time of my eleventh nap!
RIMMER: (urgently) Shhhhhhh!
CAT: Why have you brought me here?
RIMMER: Because there's no point to executing a most marvelous plan that goes without a hitch without sharing the results with someone.
CAT: So why not bring Ferret-Face along to this little tea-party?
RIMMER: Because he's the one I want to feed it to.
CAT: (confused) What?
RIMMER: I'm gonna feed it to him. The IQE. I'm gonna feed it to Listy-poos.
CAT: What? Are you nuts?
RIMMER: What? As yet we don't know what it does, and Kryten said it can't possibly arm us. What's the problem?
CAT: (unsure) I don't know…
RIMMER produces a plate of fish
CAT: (perking up) Oh! OK!
RIMMER walks along a very long table looking carefully and intently at the all the equipment on it. CAT walks behind him, not looking like he cares very much. RIMMER stops at a small bowl. He leans down and peers inside. He gets back up, smiling and points at it. CAT looks at him for a second then bends down to look at it. He looks back at RIMMER nervously for a second, who nods encouragingly. CAT reluctantly picks up the bowl and empties the contents into another container full of white-yellow mush – scrambled egg. He picks up a spatula and mixes the egg. He carelessly tosses the spatula into a beaker full of green liquid which promptly hisses and bubbles ferociously. CAT pulls a panicky "whoops-I-didn't-mean-to-do-that" face and nods hastily towards the door. RIMMER nods back and heads for the door followed by CAT who is cramming the box into a bag.
Scene 9 Sleeping Quarters
LISTER is asleep snoring on the top bunk. RIMMER is lying on the bottom bunk, clearly awake, looking up in LISTER's direction, an evil smirk on his face. KRYTEN comes in with a plate full of food, minus the egg.
KRYTEN: (to RIMMER) Morning, sir.
RIMMER: (leaping out of bed, uncharacteristically cheerful) Morning, Kryters! How are we on this most glorious of glorious days?
KRYTEN: (a little confused) Um…I'm fine, sir. Are you alright?
RIMMER: Never better, Krytie. Never better.
CAT enters with the bag containing the egg.
KRYTEN: Morning, Mr. Cat.
CAT: (not cheerful) Morning.
KRYTEN: (looking utterly bewildered) What is wrong with everyone today?
KRYTEN leaves.
CAT: (to RIMMER) Are you sure about this?
RIMMER: Abso-posi-tutly!
CAT: What's the point?
RIMMER: The point is, I can finally get him back for all the misery he's caused me, alive and holo-form.
CAT: But-
RIMMER: (interrupting with a wave of his finger) Uh-uh-uh! No buts. Its payback time.
CAT: Man, you're cheesier than (points at LISTER) his socks!
LISTER wakes up.
LISTER: God, what time is it?
He sees the food on the table.
LISTER: (clapping his hands together) Breakfast time!
RIMMER: Wait! Kryten just brought in this egg for you to have with it.
He nods encouragingly at CAT who reluctantly gives LISTER the box. LISTER takes it uncertainly.
LISTER: (suspiciously) Erm…ok…why didn't he just put it on the plate?
RIMMER looks at CAT for help who just leans back on the wall and awaits the reply.
RIMMER: Er…look, are we just going to stand around talking all day? I have things to do, you know.
He storms out of the room. LISTER starts tucking in to the egg. CAT cannot bear to watch this so he leaves.
Scene 10 Sleeping Quarters
LISTER is tossing and turning in his sleep. He suddenly wakes up, breathless. He looks around him for a while, familiarizing himself with his surroundings. Once he realises where he is, he puts his hand to his head like he has a head-ache. He gets down from his bed and staggers towards the door. However, he barely takes two steps when he collapses with a thud. The noise rouses RIMMER. The lights come on and RIMMER sees LISTER on the floor. RIMMER smiles then tries to twist his face into a look of panic. He walks to the door.
RIMMER: (trying to put a sound of urgency in his voice) Kryten? Cat?
He looks back at LISTER and can't help smiling again.
Scene 11 MediBay
LISTER is lying on the bed. KRYTEN is looking at some readings in the background. CAT and RIMMER are sitting by LISTER.
RIMMER: (to KRYTEN) What's the problem?
KRYTEN: Its very odd. Very odd indeed, sirs.
CAT: What's odd?
KRYTEN: These findings. They just don't make sense.
RIMMER: What do they say?
KRYTEN: Well, apparently, Mr. Lister has a worm living in his brain.
CAT: (disgusted) A worm?
KRYTEN: Mm. Yes. But its not necessarily a bad thing.
RIMMER: (looking mortified) What?
KRYTEN: Well, in order to survive, the worm must feast on his brain.
RIMMER sits up.
KRYTEN: But it has to fool its victim into thinking no harm is coming to them so it must give something back.
CAT: What's it giving back?
KRYTEN: Intelligence.
CAT: (disbelieving) Intelligence? On him? (pointing at LISTER)
KRYTEN: A difficult concept to understand and accept, sir, but, yes.
RIMMER: (slowly) So, Lister gains IQ every time wormy gets hungry?
KRYTEN: Precisely.
RIMMER: (to CAT) Damn! Who would have seen that backfiring?
LISTER starts to come round.
LISTER: (groaning) Where am I? What's happening?
CAT: (abruptly) You've got a worm in your head.
LISTER: (worried) What? (to KRYTEN) What's he talking about, man?
KRYTEN: It's true, sir. You have a worm in your head.
LISTER looks at RIMMER, confused, who grumpily nods verification.
KRYTEN: Allow me to explain, sir…
Scene 12 Model Shot
Starbug in space
Scene 13 MedBay
LISTER is now sitting up. RIMMER has left.
LISTER: (to KRYTEN) But what happens after its finished eatin' me brain? I'd be made entirely of IQ. God, that's like the opposite of what I am now.
KRYTEN: Well, sir. Being made entirely of intelligence, my best guess is that you would become a sort of computer.
LISTER: (shocked) What? Like Holly used to be?
KRYTEN: Yes.
LISTER: (definite) No. Get this worm out of me. Now.
CAT: Can't do that, bud.
LISTER: (desperate) What?
CAT: Once wormy sets up camp, he ain't just stayin' for a long weekend. He's got a season's pass!
LISTER: So, all in all, by the end, when I'm a computer, I will be, in effect, dead.
KRYTEN: Well, technically, sir, yes. But you will still be able to see, hear, talk and have a personality.
LISTER: (not quite managing to believe the situation) But..I'll be dead.
CAT: Sorry, buddy.
LISTER contemplates this for a while.
LISTER: Oh well.
KRYTEN: (shocked) What?
CAT: (also shocked) Did you just say, "oh well?"
LISTER: Yeah. (explaining) Look, think about it. Ok, yeah, I'm basically gonna die, but I'm gonna die a genius! I never in my whole life would have thought I'd die a genius. Besides, I'm not really dying, am I? I just won't be human any more.
KRYTEN: I'm not sure you're fully understanding the situation, sir.
LISTER: Whaddya mean?
KRYTEN: (avoiding telling him the god-awful truth) Well, sir, when you're a computer, sir, you…um, er…
LISTER: What is it, Kryten, man? Just tell me.
KRYTEN: (close to tears) Oh, its so awful it doesn't bear contemplating.
LISTER: (worried and impatient) Kryten, just tell me. It can't be all that bad.
KRYTEN: (trying to regain composure) Well, sir. When you turn into a computer, you…you…you won't be able to have curries ever again.
KRYTEN hurriedly walks out of the room. LISTER looks absolutely mortified.
CAT: Sorry, bud.
LISTER: No you're not.
CAT: You're right! I'm not!
He dances out of the room.
Scene 14 Sleeping Quarters
RIMMER is sitting on his bunk looking at the floor, completely annoyed with himself. He doesn't lift his head when KRYTEN enters looking miserable.
RIMMER: (to no one in particular) Why did I do it?
KRYTEN: Do what, sir?
RIMMER: It was me.
KRYTEN: What was you, sir?
RIMMER: It was me. I fed the IQE to Lister.
KRYTEN: (shocked) What?
RIMMER: I thought it would turn his face green or make him shrink or something. I had no idea it would kill him.
KRYTEN: But, why?
RIMMER: Because! He's never shown me any mercy. (looking up at KRYTEN) Have you got any idea how many practical jokes he's played on me?
KRYTEN shakes his head no.
RIMMER: 1147. 1147! And finally, I thought I could get revenge. (looking back down again) But I've killed him.
KRYTEN: (not really helping) And made him a genius.
RIMMER lifts his head slowly up at KRYTEN.
RIMMER: (sarcastically) Well, thank you Captain Sympathy!
Scene 15 Model Scene
Starbug in Space
Scene 16 Sleeping Quarters
RIMMER is sitting on LISTER's bunk reading "Fascist Dictator Monthly." LISTER's worm has obviously had quite an effect, seeing as he is sitting with glasses, a moustache and no dreads, reading an incredibly thick book entitled: "Everything About Everything – Volume II" He finishes the book, closes it and dumps it on another book on the table which is probably Volume I. He picks another off the floor (Volume III.) CAT and KRYTEN enter.
CAT: Hey, Einstein!
LISTER: (he still speaks with a Liverpudlian accent, but it is more enunciated) Good evening Cat, Kryten.
KRYTEN: Dinner is being served shortly, sir. I have mixed five types of vindaloo: mutton, vegetable, chicken, bean and your own recipe, sir, extra-hot chocolate digestive vindaloo.
LISTER: I'm sorry, Kryten. I'm avoiding all Indian meals from now on.
KRYTEN: (shocked) Sir, what are you thinking?
LISTER: I have invented an elixir which, provided I drink twice a day, should restore all the tastebuds I have lost over the past twelve years by the end of the week.
CAT sits down on RIMMER's bunk.
RIMMER: (trying to get some attention) You know, a funny thing happened to me the other day: I was walking along when suddenly-
CAT: Where's Goal-post head, anyway?
RIMMER: I'm right here you gimboid, I was just talking.
CAT: (looking up at RIMMER) Oh yeah! Sorry, bud. Didn't see ya there.
RIMMER: (returning to his story) So anyway, I was walking along, when suddenly the vending machine produced-
CAT: So how does this elixir work, anyway?
RIMMER: CAT!
LISTER: Well, it's quite simple, really-
RIMMER: (jumping down from the bed and shouting desperately) Look, I don't know what's going on, but you'd better stop it right now!
ALL are shaken as Starbug hits something.
CAT: What the hell was that?
Scene 17 Starbug cockpit.
ALL come rushing in. and sit at their usual stations.
LISTER: Damage report.
KRYTEN: Not too severe: The blackout shields have been destroyed and the raymon fields are damaged. The calibrator systems are temporarily down and the cup-holders are jammed shut.
RIMMER: What was that impact?
LISTER: We hit a very small black hole. Minute. I'm surprised it jammed the cup-holders, actually.
CAT: Something doesn't smell right. I'm picking up a huge scent that I don't like one bit. In fact, I hate it almost as much as sideways ironed flares!
KRYTEN: I'm not getting anything yet.
RIMMER: All clear here.
LISTER: Well, I'm in the middle of updating this radar system. (he pats a box in front of him) It just needs a few more adjustments. (he produces a spanner and tightens some bolts.) There.
BOX: (in a very British accent) Hello there. I am Radar. How may I help you today?
CAT: (to LISTER) You invented that?
LISTER: Yep.
KRYTEN: That is an amazing feat of technology, sir.
LISTER: Thanks, Kryten.
RIMMER: (murmuring) Show off.
LISTER: What's that, Arn?
RIMMER: (sarcastically) Noticed me, have you?
RADAR: How may I help you today?
RIMMER: You may not. Go away.
RADAR: I cannot leave. I have no limbs.
RIMMER: Well then, just shut up.
RADAR: How may I help you today?
LISTER: (to RIMMER) Just be quiet. (to RADAR) Hello, Radar.
RADAR: I am Radar. How may I help you today?
LISTER: (in a mock-polite tone) Firstly, if you could shut the smeg up that would be great. Secondly, can you see what's ahead of us for the next couple of hundred klicks or so?
RADAR: Certainly! Scanning area.
BEAT
Scanned. Processing information.
RIMMER: Hurry up.
RADAR: You asked for: (we hear a recording of LISTER's voice) " What's ahead of us for the next couple of hundred klicks or so?" This is what I have found.
KRYTEN: Punching up, sirs.
The screen shows Red Dwarf with "178 klicks" typed across it. ALL whoop and cheer. The screen changes to a group of nasty looking rocks with jagged edges, some hurtling along at a tremendous rate. "124 klicks" is written on the screen. ALL freeze in their cheers. There is a long pause.
RADAR: How may I help you today?
Scene 18 Model Shot
Starbug in space.
Scene 19 Starbug cockpit.
ALL are sitting anxiously.
CAT: What'll happen if one of those hits us?
RIMMER: It will gash a hole bigger than the gap between your ears.
CAT: Man, that's sure one big hole.
RIMMER: So what do we do?
LISTER: I'm thinking.
CAT: Wait, I got it! It's a band of rocks, right?
RIMMER: Yes.
CAT: So why don't we just go over the top? Or under the bottom? Or round the side?
LISTER: It's an infinite band, Cat. It doesn't have a side. And we're too close to go over the top or underneath.
KRYTEN: The Cat may have an idea, sir.
CAT: Really?
KRYTEN: Yes. Although it is too late to go completely over the top, the rocks are smaller, slower and less dense at the top of the band, which would make navigation much easier.
RIMMER: So we're going up?
LISTER: Do it.
Scene 20 Model Shot
Starbug tilts upwards.
Scene 21 Starbug cockpit
ALL are pressed back in their seats.
KRYTEN: That's as far as we can go, sirs. Bringing her level.
ALL lurch forwards in their seats.
LISTER: (suddenly) Stop Starbug!
KRYTEN: What?
LISTER: Just do it.
KRYTEN hits some buttons and screeching brakes are heard. Everyone is thrown forward again.
RIMMER: What are you doing, Lister?
LISTER: I've been observing the rocks for quite some time and I think I can see a pattern in their behaviour. If you'll allow me a little more time I'm sure I can calculate a safe path.
KRYTEN: How long do you need?
LISTER: Just a couple of hours.
RIMMER: How long until Red Dwarf is lost again?
KRYTEN: A couple of hours.
RIMMER: Excuse me, gentlemen, whilst I go and scream into a pillow.
RIMMER leaves.
LISTER: I'm sure I can do it.
KRYTEN: I'm behind you all the way, sir.
CAT: Yeah, me too. Anything to save my suits! I mean, I could get away with gaping holes in my black Gianini, but my peach Anilac? I don't think so!
Scene 22 Starbug cockpit
LISTER is studying the screen, jotting down notes every now and again. KRYTEN is watching him intently. CAT and RIMMER are standing at the back.
LISTER: I've done it. I've calculated a safe path for Starbug.
KRYTEN: Are you sure, sir?
LISTER: Yep. Give me manual.
KRYTEN hits some buttons and LISTER grabs a joystick.
LISTER: Here we go.
He pushes the stick forward slowly and types in commands at various consoles around him.
RIMMER: I can't watch.
He turns away. Shots alternate between LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT and RIMMER, showing their ever increasing expressions of fear. LISTER suddenly groans in pain and clutches his head.
CAT: What is it?
KRYTEN: What's wrong?
LISTER: Well, if I'm not mistaken, the worm in my brain has just died.
RIMMER: Died?
KRYTEN: But…that means…
LISTER: Yeah. In about three minutes, I won't be a genius.
RIMMER: Oh smeg. What do we do?
LISTER: Well, I'm still a genius now. I think I can navigate the rest of these rocks.
KRYTEN: Do be careful, sir.
LISTER: I will.
LISTER continues to navigate Starbug for a little while.
LISTER: It's no good!
RIMMER: What?
LISTER: (reeling) I can't do it!
KRYTEN: Yes you can, sir! Believe in yourself!
RIMMER: Yes, come on, Lister! You can do this!
They look at CAT expectantly
CAT: (less than enthusiastic) Yeah. Woo. Come on, you can do it.
LISTER: Well…I'll try…
LISTER wrestles with the controls. Several times Starbug is hit by a meteor, but never seriously. LISTER's face screws up in concentration and he starts shaking.
KRYTEN: Come on, sir! Only half a klick to go!
LISTER grits his teeth and pours all his concentration into the task at hand.
KRYTEN: That's it! We're clear!
LISTER collapses in his seat
KRYTEN: We'd better get that worm out of him before it causes any more damage.
Scene 23 Corridor
RIMMER and CAT are waiting patiently outside the MediBay. KRYTEN comes out to speak to them
KRYTEN: That's it. It's gone. Mister Lister should make a full recovery within the week.
CAT: You know, I'm amazed he managed to get us through that without the worm!
KRYTEN: He didn't.
RIMMER+CAT: What?
KRYTEN: He had the worm the whole time.
RIMMER: But…you said…
KRYTEN: I wanted Mister Lister to have faith in himself. A high IQ is nothing unless you have the culpability to use it.
RIMMER: So why was he in so much pain?
KRYTEN: He had a severe headache, probably from wearing unprescribed glasses.
RIMMER: And why did he need an operation?
KRYTEN: I got rid of the worm.
CAT: Got rid of it? Why?
KRYTEN: (shrugs) Better off without it.
RIMMER: Better off? When he had that thing it made him a genius! Do you really think this is doing him a favour?
KRYTEN: Not him, sir. You.
RIMMER: Excuse me?
KRYTEN: I noticed how annoyed you were getting over the focus Mister Lister was getting. I'm just thinking of your overwhelming, overpowering, compulsive need to be the centre of attention, sir.
RIMMER: I do not need to be the centre of attention!
KRYTEN walks off followed by CAT
RIMMER: Hey! Listen to me when I'm talking to you! Hey! Guys? Hello? Look, I've sprouted an extra nose! Oh, come on, don't tell me you're not a little interested! (runs after them) I think I've got the IQE!
A/n: Well, there you go. Random? Pointless? That's Red Dwarf for ya! Anyway, chapter 3 of "Lives of Lister" should be up soon, and I've had an idea for anoter fanfic! Yay:D