Forbidden Fantasy: Soulmates
Fantasy's Flight
By: NemesisStrife
Disclaimer: These Final Fantasy 7 characters are property of Squaresoft. This is an Alternate Universe epic saga pre-game fanfiction. As stated before, this is a Cloud and Sephiroth pairing, involving shounen-ai, and it is my take on what should have happened in the game. Respect my opinions, please.
NOTES: People, since the server now has a new format, please check for my story under "Sort By Update (Chaptered)", please. I hope you know what to do...keep on reading, and Review please. If you want the next chapter up soon, well, Leave Feedback.
Really, really sorry about the earlier mix-up. The chapter I posted up earlier had a problem as the chapter was "lost", then only the first half or something would load, and the text appeared in ~weird~ symbols. So I re-uploaded it hoping to correct some of the errors/bugs. Can you guys review and please also inform me which style you prefer, closer to angst or WAFF, so I can continue with the next chapter, since I'm "Currently In A State Of Indecision" :p If you ~hate~ my angst-writing style, feel ill at sentimental almost-WAFF, or just think both are as bad, let me know so I can correct it. *Or if you sort-of ~liked~ both, that's great!* Thanks!
Warnings for this chapter
1) Apologies are due to nearly everyone. Sorry, Twig, for practically forcing you to check it through first… I promise I won't do it again for um… one week? *I'll try my hardest, but that's all I can promise…* *grin* Also an apology is due to my two sort-of BETA readers, Aatash and Kiyoshi, for having to survive through my experiment with angst, but the horror won't end…*Mwahahahaha*
2) Two words, "Sephiroth" and "angst". Doesn't go too well together, don't you think? Felt it was kind of unfair the way Cloud always seems to be the one suffering, so here it's Seph's turn. *We Strifes have to stick together, after all.* How I managed to switch from almost-WAFF, to almost-angst, I'll never know. It's a new style, which I'm rather insecure over, so bear with me. Well, I understand where Sephiroth's coming from, after all, if I wasn't able to be with Cloud, I'd get depressed too. *shrugs* And I feel like poor Seph as well, I find myself obsessing about every single little insignificant detail, especially in description.
3) There's an EVIL Hojo in here, and I pieced together a series of flashbacks, mainly from earlier chapters, in the middle of the fic, so don't get confused with the chains of // …. // // … //, remember they are all separate scenes, and each starts and ends with a // .
" " Normal speech
' ' Thoughts
italics Emphasis
~ ~ Mental speech/ Telepathy
// // Flashback
Chapter 6
Currently In A State Of Confusion
Sephiroth was hard-pressed to keep his customary cool demeanour, and it took nearly all his willpower to walk towards his room, away from that instant that threatened to break down the protective façade, away from that precious encounter that had left him bewildered, yet secure, away from… …from… Cloud. 'What's with me? Why am I acting like this?' His thoughts were chaotic, muddled in a hopeless mess, a great departure from his normally orderly and logical thinking. 'Why does he affect me like this? It isn't supposed to happen, not to me. He's just a kid, for the Ancient's sake, just a young teenager, a recruit in SOLDIER, like all the other boys here. Yet… somehow… he's special. Different, unusual, beyond everyone else, Cloud's more than a normal human, utterly unlike them. But not like me, either. Stop it, Sephiroth. Just move now, and worry later, don't dwell on that, don't think. He strode down the corridor, not once pausing, not letting even a hint of his inner turmoil penetrate through to his outward appearance. The hallway was quite crowded now, with many people hurrying on to their next destinations, in a rush, although all of them, without fail, stopped to bow or salute the General. Sephiroth acknowledged their respect with a slight nod, body moving on autopilot, as he strove to make sense of the fluctuating emotions and situations.
He barely paused to retrieve his key and ID pass, unlocking the door to his room in one smooth, fluid movement, then quickly shut and bolted it. Letting out an explosive sigh, Sephiroth collapsed onto the sofa, without bothering to switch on the lights, or remove his cloak or boots. Letting his eyes adjust to the semi-darkness of the room, the Mako-light increasing slightly in intensity, Sephiroth let his thoughts roam. His mind wandered, but always returned to one particular thing… or person. 'Him… …Again? This is bad. This is beyond bad.' He gazed dispassionately at his hand, noting with some surprise, as if through the detached eyes of a stranger, that his right hand was trembling slightly, and his breathing had entirely escaped his control. 'I'm shaking… like a leaf… both outwardly and inwardly… all over.'
That irritating, annoying inner voice was repeating in a sing-song, 'you've got it ba-ad, Sephiroth…' He found his left hand absently retracing the path Cloud's fingers had taken only a few hours ago, and remembered… 'Warmth… closeness… soft skin brushing against mine… gentle. Touch… just a touch… but I'm going all to pieces. This never happened before… no one and nothing has ever caused these… feelings to come over me. But then again, "before" didn't have Cloud Strife.' Sephiroth shivered, eyes half-closed, as he attempted to deal with these strong, powerful, new feelings. 'A fixation? …No, an obsession. That's precisely it. Obsession. At first sight. From the very first I laid eyes on him, when I saw him on that first day. A… connection, somehow.' He had never, ever felt something even remotely resembling this, even that first spark of interest, of purely physical attraction had never occurred with anyone else before. And when those emotions had deepened, instead of fading away, like withered leaves at the first touch of frost. 'If it had been just something… sexual, it would have been over quickly. Like a brief affair… not meant to last, dying a quick and natural death. But this… it seems to only get stronger, and increase each time I find out something more, something new about him, touch him, or even just see him.'
Sephiroth glanced at his right hand, the black numeral "1" permanently burned into his skin, the only outward indication of his childhood, a mocking mark that branded him as Hojo's. Lips curling into a bitter smile, a desperate snarl at the constant reminder that he was left with on his flesh. 'He didn't need to remind me, that bastard. I don't have to remember that… I can't ever forget… I know that every second, breathing and waking moment. Dammit, I have to live with myself, all the time!' Green eyes narrowed, seeing in his mind's eye the bespectacled scientist, slightly hunched forwards, in his sterile white lab coat, peering at him with beady black eyes.
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Flashback// A young boy was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, knees bent and pulled close to his body, face looking downwards, and hugging his legs tightly. He seemed the same as any other normal child his age, except for his hair, which was a shimmering, pure silver, and the mixture of deep pain and terror in his glowing eyes. He was breathing shallowly, pupils distended and unfocused, and shuddering, though not from the cold of the room.
"Well, hello there. How's my favourite specimen today?" That hated, hateful voice made his head snap around, breath coming in quick, rapid gasps of oxygen into his lungs, eyes wide in unreasoning fear. "Oh, come on, Sephiroth. Don't be stubborn. You don't want to be punished." That was a simple statement of fact, a hint of possible consequences, a bald-faced warning and threat. Sephiroth instinctively pulled away, huddling back, trying to get as far away from the Professor as possible. Yes, he knew what was coming next, and couldn't suppress a small whimper that escaped though his clenched teeth. Hojo loomed over the petrified, terrified boy, stooping slightly, the lab coat draped awkwardly on his bony, gawky frame. Greasy, blackish-brown, dark hair was tied in a long ponytail, not a strand out of place, and his metal, wire-framed glasses were perched on a hawk-like nose. Angular features reflected his personality, rigid, unyielding, hard and cold. The glasses glinted in the harsh white florescent light, and they slipped down to allow Sephiroth his first glimpse of the man's eyes. He practically froze in terror, revolted and at the same time morbidly fascinated at the sheer… repulsiveness of them. Tiny, burst, red blood vessels, a pattern of veins, edged the corners of Hojo's eyes, bloodshot from years of lack of sleep. The pupils and iris were all shades of murky, clouded greyish-black, and, probably due to a lifetime of working with chemicals and Mako, there was a milky white, translucent film that covered Hojo's eyes, giving off a radioactive smouldering. The scientist was fixing Sephiroth with his perpetual squint, beady eyes filling his field of vision.
'Empty… there's nothing there! Impersonal, cold… not even cold, just feeling-less or emotionless. Not a single flicker of life or humanity, just… just absolutely nothing. Dead eyes, reptilian eyes… insect's eyes. Not human.' The boy cringed, dreading what was going to come next, fervently praying to whatever god there was, pleading for anyone or anything out there to help him, find him, save him, yet resigned. 'Nothing's going to change, no one's out there, nobody can hear… or help. As if they wanted to.'
"Take him to the Mako treatment chamber," the Professor directed his laboratory assistant, then glared at Sephiroth, "don't resist, or it will be harder for you."
Firm, strong hands clamped around his shoulders in a vice-grip, and he could only let himself be half-pulled and half-dragged across the room, mind and thoughts focused on a single phrase that so aptly fit the scientist. 'Inhuman… Monster.'
"Oh, and, ah… whatever was your name again? Anyway, that's unimportant. Just take Number Alpha-One to Lab 2, and double the dosage of chemically modified Mako energy he is exposed to," Hojo calmly ordered his assistant.
Sephiroth couldn't help his shivering, eyes closing and wincing at the anticipated pain. 'Doubled? I don't think I could take it, can't survive anymore of this. Wouldn't it be… better, for me to die?' The thought of the bare, empty, cold white laboratory, sharp metal needles and syringes that injected pure agony into his veins. It felt like poison to him, mercury and liquid dark fire that burned through his skin, sending pain flooding through his bloodstream and piercing into his mind and heart. He always was left with cramps and nausea afterwards, days of lingering, dizzying hurt, physically weak, mentally disorientated, trapped in recurring drugged hallucinations of shadowy presences and in a state of half-lucidity.
'I don't even have an existence beyond this… Hojo, lab, tests, Mako, Hojo… and always… the pain, the… aloneness. I'm just another lab rat, … I don't even have a real name. Just a number… Alpha, Alpha-One. But I'm Sephiroth… I have an identity… only it was taken from me a long time ago. Sephiroth… but Sephiroth who? I don't know who I am, what my last name is… Do I even have parents? My mother… her name… Jenova.' Clinging to that last shred of personal history, Sephiroth looked on desperately as he was locked inside a cylindrical tank, with his "escort" leaving and slamming the door shut. The transparent, yet thick, solid plexi-glass, supported by a frame of steel bars, was a major, insurmountable barrier in the way of freedom, and more importantly, safety from that lunatic, Hojo. In short, Sephiroth was caged in, trapped in a gilded… no, make it glass, cage.
A faint, astringent smell filled the tank, and murky brownish-green gas filtered into his tank. 'Tainted Mako.' He held his breath for as long as he could, but inadvertently gasped after about 20 seconds, and wound up inhaling the noxious, vaguely-corrosive fumes. That one short breath was enough to send sharp, familiar pains piercing through his mind, and Sephiroth coughed, slightly surprised when he saw a trace of blood mixed in the saliva. When the liquid Mako energy started trickling in and filling the tank, even that one instant of emotion was replaced by pain… and a strange feeling of numbness. He couldn't suppress a silent scream, purely mental, in the middle of the cold room, a last cry to an unfeeling, oblivious world.
"Help, please… Anyone?" the muffled whimper broke through his façade of strength and self-control. 'No one will. No one CARES, you bloody fool!' The Mako was steadily rising, almost reaching waist level. Broken and battered down, Sephiroth slumped against the glass wall, giving in to the inexorable darkness of welcome unconsciousness. 'Jenova… save me… please. Mother?' //End Flashback
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He returned to the present with a jolt, breathing harsh and rapid, almost able to smell the sickly, polluted stench, and the acidic taste of bile at the back of his throat, remembrance still painfully clear and strong… days and nights which followed the Mako treatments were filled with that disconnected, lightheaded, unbalanced feeling, accompanied by vomiting and half-consciousness. 'No. That was in the past, it's not happening now. All over now, the experimentation, testing… over.' Sephiroth willed himself to relax, and push those horrible memories away, even if it was only temporary peace and sanity. 'I won't be able to forget it… never.' He couldn't erase them, press the "Delete" button of his mind, permanently remove them, but he could distance himself from them, reassure himself it was all over and he wasn't subject to that torture anymore, conveniently shove them, relegate them to the back corners of his mind. 'Even if it doesn't work… Because I know it's all there, lurking hidden, waiting to overwhelm me with fear and agony… …' That invisible, insidious, worrying, half-guilty panic had crept up upon him again, threatening to return him back to the past, lock him into replaying an endless loop of nightmares, reduce him to the helpless, frightened child from ten years ago. 'Years of experimentation, and being abandoned to Hojo's maniacal insanity…'
// 'Fear-pain-darkness-blood-tears-trapped-PAIN! Trapped-escape-Get away-Fear!'//
'He made my childhood a living hell. I remember… suicidal, wanting to die and just… not exist. Nothing. Not to hurt, not to suffer, no one can touch me… not to feel anything anymore. Just peace, the welcome absence of everything, a blissful state of perfect non-feeling…'
// He was suffocating, drowning in icy-cold liquid slime, unable to breathe, coughing and choking as the thick substance forced its way into his mouth, filling it with a bitter, numbing sensation. All the while, Hojo and his assistant looked on, taking notes, as the child struggled, fighting desperately every step of the way, clawing his way to survival. Merely being alive was a challenge, an achievement, but was it worth it? Hanging on to that last hope of continued existence, instincts overriding the death-wish, staying alive, but just barely. //
'I can recall… waiting for the time to end, when Hojo would declare it was over, and I would be allowed to return "home". Interesting concept, that. Quite sad when one's "home" is a laboratory tank or enclosure, and the only "parents" are deranged scientists bent on seeing how much of Mako energy one can be infused with, without dying.' Sephiroth closed his eyes, partly from emotional weariness and exhaustion, and also partly from trying to block out images from his past. 'No, it doesn't help. If anything, that makes it clearer.'
// "My favourite specimen… Take him to the Mako Treatment chamber… double the dosage of chemically modified Mako he is exposed to." The impersonal, cold voice delivered the commands for the continuation of torture, and the silver-haired boy shivered.
'Hojo… Inhuman Monster!' //
Back in the present, Sephiroth bit down on his lower lip, head lowered, bent towards the ground in a gesture of defeated resignation. 'Hojo wasn't the monster… I am. A lab creation.' The tattoo was almost the perfect symbol what he was, an outward, physical mark of internal scars, branding him as "different" from everyone else. 'A mutant freak, a product of genetic engineering… not human… especially with the curse of these… changes.' He knew he wasn't normal from young, but his meagre knowledge of "not normal" did not entail and encompass all the varying aspects of who… no, what he was.
'Specimen Alpha-1, that's what I am. A creature… produced in a laboratory… cloned with cell samples, irradiated with Mako and chemicals, so I no longer resemble a SOLDIER, let alone an average, normal, human civilian. With the biological cells or DNA of Jenova… my mother… but all altered. Hell, my genes were probably altered as well… freak of nature, deformed thing… just another of Hojo's laboratory experiments. Damn it!' Sephiroth shook his head violently, scattering the chaotic, muddled, myriad of emotions. 'What the hell is wrong with me? I don't act like this… it is completely unnatural.'
The voice taunted back, 'finally got off that disgusting whiny behaviour. Quit wallowing in that load of self-pity.' The caustic comment stung slightly, even though Sephiroth knew that it was only his mind telling the truth.
'It's so damned peculiar. Bloody strange, in fact. Here I am stuck in depression and angsting, after some really wild mood swings… I swear, just a few hours ago, I was blissfully happy… Of course, that was when I was with him…' He tried, but couldn't suppress a half-smile at the thought of Cloud. 'My mood seems to be oscillating and changing like a yo-yo…' He could still picture the slender, petite teenager, who radiated intelligence and vibrancy, and seemed to be glowing from the sheer exuberance of living. Dark mood instantly lightened, as he recalled the afternoon's happenings.
// Mesmerizing brush of Cloud's fingertips tracing the dark "1" in a smooth, gentle pattern. //
// Blue eyes… regarding him seriously, pulling him in, spiralling into fathomless, dark, depthless blue… a private, hidden world of emotion in those eyes, secret and mysterious, that made him long to reach out and touch, explore the enigmatic beauty of it all. //
// "Thanks for everything, Seph.' That tentative, trusting half-smile, and the eyes shining, looking at him.//
'Perfection incarnate. Absolute beauty. It's all so incredible, the way... the way he actually cares about me, quiet and sincere, seemingly able to instinctively understand how I feel, even when I don't even know what's going on… The way his large, wide sapphire eyes light up when he smiles… How he raises an eyebrow whenever he responds to odd comments, and the corners of his mouth quirk upwards while trying not to laugh…' Sephiroth lifted his hands to the sides of his face, pressing down hard on his temples.
Speaking aloud, slightly distracted, his mind in a whirl, Sephiroth articulated his present state of mind. "This is Insane! It's insane, unbelievable, crazy and totally illogical… and… so… damned… utterly… wonderful." It was completely confusing, filled with uncertainties and emotional fluctuations, rather like a rollercoaster. 'The only thing I'm sure of is that… I care about him.' Instantly a part of him responded, 'what are you thinking? Are you even thinking at all?' A memory was hurled into his vision, again one of Cloud, but this time, the expression on his face was one of hurt, as he stumbled over the words of his apology. 'You hurt him… even unintentionally, you did. And don't try to argue that it was an accident, and that you were sorry… Yes, I didn't mean to, didn't even know I was doing so, but it still happened. And it could… no, will happen again.'
// "I won't let anyone hurt him." 'Not even myself.' //
'That promise didn't take long to be broken.' He sighed, wearily, recalling the flash of vulnerability on Cloud's face. Other more insistent images assailed him, snippets of information, a barrage of childhood nightmares, and the lonely realisation he was set apart from the whole of humanity. 'Not human… Soulless. I can't afford to care for Cloud, or let him respond in kind, however much I want to… it'll only hurt him worse in the end, when he finds out my background, cursed by Hojo… Hojo could, and would have created a control of some sort, he probably could manipulate me easily. I can't trust myself… I won't risk Cloud's life on the fact that Hojo might not be able to exert authority over me again. He might have programmed me… just for the purpose of killing… it's safer for Cloud to stay away from me… and the inhuman creature I am. Who knows if all that Mako and chemicals causes me to suddenly mutate or turn into something like the other experiments… the failures… the twisted, deformed half-man, half-beast things. No one should rely on me… I'm the least trustworthy "person"… so, why does it feel so… so good that Cloud does, completely, and with all his heart?'
'You can't even think that! What are you doing, don't you know where it will lead, how this will end up? Remember this afternoon? Or did you conveniently manage to "forget" what happened… let's say about two hours ago?' His conscience chided him, words that stung, no less because they were the truth. 'Self-pitying, egocentric, self-absorbed, stubborn, selfish little shit, aren't you? Oh, and don't forget in denial, as well… and must add in talking to yourself, too.' Unbidden, a particularly bitter and painful childhood memory was thrown right in his face, and Sephiroth gritted his teeth as he tried not to lose his control.
// It didn't involve Hojo, at least not primarily, which made it relatively better, he supposed. There was a scientist, … a lady, … funny, how he couldn't remember the face or the name, just the clipboard and white lab coat. He had been nine, then, and was recovering from a nasty series of experiments, still in a half-drugged daze, with the after-effects of injections flooding through his veins. Dim recollections of her trying to shift him to the medical centre as he lay supine, eyes unfocused and gazing blankly at the ceiling. The disorientation of pain and exhaustion combined to make him defensive, and it still wasn't clear if he had lashed out at her because it seemed she was a threat, or just an animalistic response to attack. He hadn't hit her hard, missed, actually, as his eyes were playing tricks on him, vision seeing multiple copies of everything, and instead, the badly-aimed kick had slammed into her assistant, one of Hojo's underlings. The man probably exaggerated the reports of the injury, blowing it up all out of proportion, which was presumably the reason why he was beaten and punished, the next day.
Sephiroth had crouched on the floor, eyes wild with panic and fear, as the assistant ran from the room, to get help in restraining a terrified, semi-conscious, nine-year-old child. It was the words that stood out from the rest of the blurry scene, the scientist speaking in barely audible tones, but easily heard with his enhanced hearing, about "Hojo", "foolishness" and "clones". Then she had said, loudly, "messing around with these monsters. Soulless Abomination." He couldn't help but recoil at the disgust and contempt in her voice, and quit resisting further attempts to move him. //
'Soulless abomination… nice way of putting it. I'm not natural, not right… I shouldn't even exist… wouldn't, if it weren't for that madman. I can't be allowed to live… wouldn't it be better for them to exterminate me secretly? Soulless… no heart, no inner being… It's not fair, how come I still have to have feelings as well, if I lack everything else a human has? I still can bleed, hurt, feel pain, despair, sorrow… and care for someone. Gods, no, why does Cloud have to be dragged into this? He doesn't deserve it… to be tainted, corrupted… have purity infected by Hojo's insanity. I couldn't bear it if he had to live through what I did, if he suffered just because Hojo wanted a hold over me. Living in a laboratory, 24 hours a day… No one knew, no one cared. They still don't. I never even told Zack about my past.' The traitorous voice of hope interrupted, 'But… … I think Cloud does. He… cares. I want to believe it, I do believe it, but is it merely a wilful self-delusion? I want him to… to understand, to care… Even if he did… once he found out… if he knows, if I told him… it would definitely kill any feelings of friendship… And I need that, need to have Cloud… as a friend.' Burying his face in his hands, silver hair falling over his shoulders, he groaned in confusion, thoughts swirling like a whirlpool, feeling helpless.
That period of quiet contemplation was interrupted by a knock on his door. "What the fu-?" Sephiroth looked up quickly, and hurriedly pulled on his gloves, and setting his expression back into his cold, impassive façade.
"Hey, Sephiroth, I… uh… sorry, but the troops are ready," Zack gulped slightly, faltering at the look of slight annoyance on his commanding officer's face.
"Fine, I'm ready. Let's head to Kalm," he replied. 'I'll continue with that issue about Cloud when I see him after the mission… hopefully, everything will have been resolved by then. Oh yeah… you wish. According to Murphy's Law, disorder increases with time, and entropy sets in… you'll be lucky if this problem is still this simple when you return.'
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Read and Review, please. This is my first fic, so be kind! Comments and criticism welcomed.