The Darkness Before Dawn
Disclaimer: They're not ours…we're just playing with them.
Summary: Fighting your fears is never easy, especially when you think you're all alone and living in darkness. AD/MM
Few people knew of the full impact that four stunners to the chest had on Minerva, except of course for her best friend and Hogwarts' resident medi-witch, Poppy Pomfrey. On the outside, Minerva still seemed to be in complete control of her surroundings and her attitude was still one of seriousness and duty. She had insisted on being released from St. Mungo's earlier than her doctors would have wished and only once back at Hogwarts and after the students had gone for the summer did she reluctantly admit that she was less than her usual self.
Poppy had watched Minerva since she had set foot back onto the castle grounds. She could tell that while her friend was playing the part she had made all her own, there was something different about her. Her sarcastic wit was seriously lacking its' trademark bite, her barbs with Severus were almost extinct and she seemed rather withdrawn even around Albus. Several times, Poppy had mentioned the change of attitude to Minerva but she quickly brushed it aside, saying that she was just concerned about other matters or was extremely busy, too busy in fact to discuss such trivial matters.
In truth, Minerva was facing her own demons and trying to do so without burdening anyone else. The incident with the stunners had taught her one thing, one painfully startling thing. She was alone. In a castle full of students, colleagues, magical creatures, and ghosts, she was by herself at the end of each day. She knew that her cubs respected her and that they had missed her guidance during her absence. The other staff members had made sure to welcome her back happily and tell her how much they had wished she was back among them. Even Albus had said that things just weren't the same without her near. But for all of their good intentions, that only made her feel worse. It only drove home the idea of her situation and left her feeling melancholy and tired.
With summer's official arrival and the students packed up and sent safely home, the castle seemed cold and dreary, despite the warm sunshine outside. Some of the staff had opted to take vacations or work on research projects away from the school. The faculty that did remain had their own plans for the summer and Albus was always occupied with first one thing and then another. Unfortunately, he had very little time for chess matches, long walks, or even the frequent trips to London or Hogsmeade, which had been the highlights of her previous summers.
She tried to occupy her mind with books, lesson plans, quidditch schedules and any number of other things but she just lacked the motivation to finish what she started. It wasn't until Madame Pomfrey questioned her about her lesson plans and received a half-hearted answer did the medi-witch fully understand the depths of Minerva's sadness. Unsure of what to do or how to handle the situation, she decided to discreetly mention it to Albus in the hopes that he could draw Minerva out of her rapidly closing shell.
At first, Albus was surprised that he hadn't noticed the serious change in Minerva's behavior. But as he sat in front of the open window and watched her from the privacy of his office, he could tell by her gait that things were not as they should be. He watched in stunned silence, motionless, as she crossed the lawn and settled on the lush grass beneath a large tree near the lake. A knot formed in his stomach as he came to understand that despite all his attempts to help those around him, he had once again failed miserably yet this time he still had time to change things for the better.
As she sat on the grass and stared out at the lake, the giant squid came up to acknowledge Minerva's presence, something of a rarity for the creature. It was almost as if she sensed the overwhelming sorrow that had filled Minerva's heart and was trying to offer some sort of comfort in her own special way. Soft words fell from the depressed woman's lips as she reached out her hand to lightly touch the tentacle of the squid before it disappeared once again to the depths of the water.
With slumped shoulders and her head propped up on her hand, Minerva stared at the water, watching the ripples dance lazily across the lake. She smirked at the ironic meaning of the ripple effect and how one action always causes tiny shock waves in the lives of others. Thinking back over the events of the previous months, she felt herself sinking further into her unhappy thoughts, unaware that someone else could feel her pain, even from his office high in the tower.
Dinner that night passed much like all the others since the students left. The small group that chose to dine at the school would meet at the appointed time and settle around a circular table, much like a large family. Instead of diving into the delicious food and commenting on the new recipes the house elves chose to try, Minerva merely picked at her food and spoke only when a question or comment was directed specifically towards her. Even when Albus tried to tease her or engage her in a spirited discussion, she lacked her normal enthusiasm. And after his earlier chat with Poppy and keenly observing for himself the changes in her behavior, he realized that he might be the only one capable of bringing back the woman they all respected and loved.
The night sky outside was crystal clear. The black velvety darkness was spotted with tiny points of brilliant light, all winking at her as she looked out the large window in her bedroom. The shining stars reminded her of Albus' eyes and how they twinkled, even in the most stressful circumstances and always when he looked at her. But it seemed like ages since she had peered into the calming blue of his eyes and felt something other than pity or concern. It pained her to know that their friendship had been damaged because of Umbridge and her cowardly tactics.
In part, Minerva believed that Albus was disappointed in her and perhaps ashamed of her actions. Since her arrival back at the school, he had spent very little time alone with her and even when he did, his conversations centered around her health or Order business. Gone were the chess matches and outings, which seemed to provide her with a sense of hope and happiness for the future. Now she found it difficult to be around him and yet she longed to have things back to the way they were before everything around her began to crumble.
She sighed heavily and sorrowfully as she pulled the thick drapes across the window to hide the happy world from her troubled eyes. Her new routine had become one of loneliness, filled with early nights, lots of rest and seemingly no one with whom she could share her deepest thoughts. No, she had lost that confidant the minute she felt Albus slipping away into his own world filled with optimism, determination, and work.
Sitting in his office, Albus was troubled to see the way Minerva was acting. He had, once again, done what he felt was best and it had backfired. When she first returned from the hospital, he had not wanted to overburden her with work and he certainly didn't want her to think he must be entertained, either by chess games or his company. He had tried to give her time to heal and the space in which to do it but apparently his actions had been misguided and misunderstood. Suddenly he remembered how he had felt with his near death experience after defeating Grindelwald and it all made sense.
In those early days after he regained consciousness, Albus had felt horrible. He wasn't in physical pain but nearly dying had taken a toll on his mind. It wasn't a comforting feeling to know that he had so many things he still wanted to do and yet he had almost lost the chance to do them. But most of all, he had wanted someone to share them with and as he looked around him, all he saw were Ministry officials, colleagues, and friends who were already married or had significant others. He, too, had slumped into a feeling of despair and uneasiness around those who were closest to him and as all this came crashing back into his mind, he felt a sudden wave of the old feelings pass through his body. Finally, he completely understood Minerva's actions and he came to the realization that she longed for the same things he did. Only this time, he knew perfectly well with whom he wanted to share all the wonderful things of life.
Just as she was about to slip into her comfortable bed, Minerva heard a light tapping at her window. Curious about the noise, she grabbed her wand and muttered "lumos" and eased back the curtains, fully expecting to see an owl with a letter addressed to her. Instead, she was greeted with a warm smile and an extended hand. Carefully opening the window, she stared into the blue eyes of the one person she least expected to see this evening, especially hovering right outside her bedroom window several stories above the ground.
"Come flying with me Minerva," was Albus' simple yet sincere request as he reached for her hand.
"No, it's late and I'm ready for bed. It's been a long day and surely you have more important things to do." Minerva's voice was filled with a sadness that stabbed at his heart.
"I can think of nothing more important than taking you on a magical blanket ride on this warm summer evening. Please, say you'll come with me."
She hadn't noticed it before but Albus was not seated on a broom. Instead, he had obviously charmed their favorite tartan picnic blanket so that it resembled the fairy tale magic carpets described in muggle books. The emerald green blanket hovered mere inches from her window and Albus looked completely relaxed as he continued to hold out his hand to her, hoping she'd take him up on his offer.
"Really, Albus, this isn't necessary. Surely you have work to do and well I was already in bed."
"But the night is still young and my work and your bed will be right here when we return. Besides, I've gone to a lot of trouble to get this spell just right so that we wouldn't have to worry about a thing." Against her better judgment, Minerva allowed Albus to convince her to climb through the window and with an uneasy step she put her bare foot on the blanket and stepped out on faith.
The air was warm and the slight breeze felt good on her bare arms. Albus was seated behind her on the blanket and she wasn't sure how but he seemed to be directing the movements of their mode of transportation. Neither of them spoke a word but Albus could tell that Minerva was tense and still unsure of the entire idea.
As they passed over the large front lawn of Hogwarts, the blanket took them higher into the night sky and the moonbeams began to dance across Minerva's hair. For years, Albus had been trying to get Minerva to wear her hair down and tonight he no longer fought the urge to take matters into his own hands. Swiftly, he found the end of the braid that kept her long strands bound and he unraveled the twists. He was halfway finished before Minerva realized that Albus was playing with her hair. His long fingers ran through the dark locks of silky hair, letting the wind catch the strands as he released them from his grasp. The wavy waterfall cascaded down her back and he leaned up to speak softly in her ear as his hands gently massaged her scalp.
"There. Isn't that much better than wearing your hair bound all the time? You have beautiful hair and it looks perfect in the moonlight."
Minerva wasn't sure what to say or feel at this point. She was so confused and lonely, lost in her own world of darkness. She failed to notice that Albus had moved his hands from her head down to her shoulders, where his skilled fingers were working another brand of magic on her body, mind, and soul.
As they passed over the lake, he raised a hand and halted the blanket in mid air. They hovered over the water and before Minerva could say a word, his hands had gripped her hips gently as he encouraged her to lean over the side of the blanket. "Look at how beautiful the water is below us. It's dark and mysterious tonight but in the light of day it's crystal clear, practically brimming with life. Things are never as dark as they seem. Wouldn't you agree?"
Nodding her head, Minerva shivered slightly, not from the wind or the soft voice coming from the man behind her but from the way he seemed to be reading her thoughts. It was as if he had looked into her mind and was repeating what he saw within. She turned her head to face him, her eyes almost brimming with tears.
"Yes, but sometimes the dawn is too far away and we lose our way in the dark, Albus. It's not always easy to see the sunrise because we've become blinded by the shadows." He had no reply for her sincere response, only to spur the blanket further towards his ultimate goal.
Minutes more of soaring through the night sky and the blanket stopped again, this time over the Forbidden Forest. Because they were so high above the trees, Albus was able to show Minerva the hidden clearing where the unicorns played in the dead of night. "Look, there. See them playing? The young and the old alike are frolicking, carefree, just as nature intended. They don't worry about the future nor do they obsess about the past. They live for the moment and take each day as it comes."
"Yes, but they are sheltered and protected by the strong arms of the trees. They have no need for worry because the trees are always there, steady and true," was her gentle rebuke.
"Not everything fades away, Minerva. If we choose wisely, the things we value most remain, even when we can't see them. Just because I cannot see your face each morning when I wake doesn't mean that I doubt your existence in my world. It just means that we're apart for a period of time." He wrapped his arms fully around her waist and pulled her back against his chest before turning the blanket around and facing the castle.
His breath on her neck sent a shiver up and down her spine. They sat in a companionable silence for several minutes, each lost in thought. Albus' tender voice was softer this time as they looked across the skyline to see the castle of Hogwarts straight ahead, looming out of the darkness surrounding the landscape.
"Minerva, tell me what you see before us."
"I see Hogwarts, Albus. I see the school, nothing more or less" was her honest answer.
"And who lives at this school, my dear?"
"Albus, this is silly and I've had enough. Please take me back," she pleaded.
"Not until you answer my question. Who lives at this school?"
"I do! There I've answered your question, now will you take me back to my rooms?"
He ignored her pleas and tightened his grip around her waist. "Would you like to know what I see when I look at that stone building?" Minerva did not verbally answer but a simple nod of her head spurred him on to finish his thoughts.
"I see the daylight hidden within those walls because you are there. The corridors may be dark like the black water of the lake but when you are near, the sunlight shines on that water making it sparkle with life." She turned her head slightly to look into his face as he continued.
"I see my safe haven within the castle walls, which resemble the security of the forest for the unicorns, for I know that you are there to protect me when I need it most. With your unwavering support, your truthful opinions and your intelligence, you keep me safe from those who would do me harm, even from myself when I choose poorly."
Albus ran his hand along her cheek and stared into her emerald green eyes that were quickly filling with unshed tears. "But most of all when I look at that massive building I see OUR home where all of OUR children spend the better part of a year with us. It's a home because you are there with me. It's where we live together, work together, play together, and share our everyday lives. If you lived in a shack on the outskirts of town, that would be my home. Or if you chose to live in the most lavish mansion on the highest mountain, my heart would be there also for you see, my home is hidden in your heart."
Tears freely spilled down Minerva's cheeks as weeks of pent up sadness and hurt rained down upon her delicate facial features. All those weeks of thinking she was so alone and practically useless were long forgotten as she lost herself in the tear clouded eyes of Albus as he stared back at her. "But why…why now do you tell me all of these things?"
His answer was sincere and simple. "Because I love you and without your happiness, I am lost. I tried to give you space and time to heal when all I really needed to do was love you with all my heart. I realize that now. It's what I've always done from a distance but never dared dream possible."
More warm tears fell from both pairs of eyes as they stared at each other, neither moving nor speaking with their voices. Yet somehow there was no need for words. Their eyes seemed to be sharing feelings, thoughts, and dreams that went far beyond mere words. Albus' strong hand came around and brushed lightly over Minerva's lips, smearing the tears across them with his thumb. Tentatively, he leaned forward and brushed his soft lips to hers, letting their tears mingle in a salty embrace.
When the first kiss ended, Albus hugged Minerva tightly to him as the blanket turned back around to face the mountains beyond the landscape. "What do you see now Minerva?" he asked softly.
"I'm not sure but I think I see the first rays of dawn. Maybe a bright new day ahead. One that's going to chase away the darkness of night and replace it with so much more. But tell me what you see," she begged softly.
"I see our playground. The world is ours, despite the tumultuous ravages of the impending war, regardless of the dark hours that will befall us sooner or later and past all the hurt and anger of recent weeks. I see our future together, looming within our reach if we only dare to reach out and grab it now, while it's right before us. Can you see that Minerva? Can you summon the strength to help me grab our opportunity for happiness and unending love?"
"I can if you'll promise to help me hold it tightly. I don't think I could bear to lose it once it's been mine for a brief time. The darkness would consume me and I'm afraid it would win next time without you here to show me the way out."
Albus took her hand and placed it over his heart and then covered her hand with his. "Then, I accept your terms and vow here and now to cling to our love, even when your grip isn't as strong as mine. I will be our lake, our forest, our stone building when you cannot see them as long as you'll be my home wherever we may roam."
Minerva took his free hand and placed it over her heart and smiled up at him. It was the first real smile he'd seen on her face in weeks. "Albus Dumbledore, welcome home," she said softly as she leaned in for another kiss.
An hour later, the first rays of the dawn were starting to peek over the mountains. The stars were fading one by one but neither Albus nor Minerva cared. Still hovering over the grounds of Hogwarts on a tartan blanket, they were snuggled together tightly, sharing loving words, gentle caresses and passionate kisses. Albus' work could wait, so could Minerva's cold bed. Today was the start of a new chapter, a new beginning that was more important than anything in the world. It was the beginning of a bright forever.
The End.