Sauron's Ultimate Weapon: Part 1
Aragorn leaned up against a tree and sighed contentedly. Today had been a good day. Frodo hadn't put himself in imminent danger; Pippin had been drugged and therefore couldn't do anything excessively idiotic; Merry and Sam had annoyed each other and left everyone else alone; Boromir had mostly talked to himself so he left everyone else alone, expect for a few dark glares in Frodo's direction; and Legolas had gotten himself lost somewhere, 30 or so miles back, so Aragorn didn't have to endure the Elf's attempts to shave the Ranger's beard and pour twenty bottles of Suave shampoo and conditioner on his hair. Aragorn scowled, Legolas could be a royal (literally) pain sometimes.
Aragorn shook his head quickly, trying to shake all thoughts of the vain Elf from his mind. "Oooooooh ARAGOOOOOORN!!!" someone shouted. Aragorn tensed up and muttered, "Oh…crap….he's found his way back…." and hid behind the tree. Legolas trotted up a second later, blinked confusedly as he saw Aragorn wasn't there and cupped his (French manicured) hand up to his chin in thought. "Hmmm…" the Elf thought aloud, "he couldn't of run away…I would still be able to see him…he certainly couldn't of climbed that tree 'cause he'd make a lot of noise doing so…SO HE MUST HAVE STOLEN THE RING AND PUT IT ON TO ESCAPE ME!!!! AHHHHH IT'S ISILDUIR ALL OVER AGAIN!!! STUPID IDIOTIC HUMANS!!! ALFDSJHLASJDGLASJDGDLSKGJADLD!!!!" Legolas then ran off, screeching at the top of his lungs.
Aragorn blinked as he attempted to figure out how one would spell, no less pronounce, what Legolas had screeched out last. The Ranger shrugged and resumed leaning up against the tree. Unfortunately for him, yet another voice interrupted his thoughts, this one far more sinister sounding. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaragorn…" the voice whispered. It then went on repeating his name, as if expecting the Dunadain to reply. Aragorn sighed and said, "What is it now Sauron?" A miniature of Sauron's Eye appeared hovering in front of the Ranger. "Poo. How did you know it was me?" The Eye inquired, looking utterly confused (which is a great accomplishment considering it IS just an eye…).
Aragorn just stared at Sauron wondering how such an absent-minded…THING could be capable of taking over Middle-Earth. It didn't make sense really. Also added to the fact Sauron just kind of hovered over his tower, occasionally blinking threateningly at anyone who dared defy him and also annoying everyone he could by telling them the same old stories over again such as, "This one time, at band camp, the Balrog ate all the cake, and then he threw up!". Needless to say, Sauron was more of a pest than an intimidating figure.
The Eye seemed to bounce up and down in excitement, "Guess what guess what guess what!?!?!" the "ultimate" evil shouted. Aragorn sighed and asked grudgingly, "What?". Sauron stopped bouncing up and down, drew himself up (once again, a hard feat for an eye) and proclaimed loudly, "I HAVE COME UP WITH AN ULTIMATE WEAPON TO FINALLY CRUSH YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC FELLOWSHIP!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" The Eye continued to laugh for several more minutes until he got bored and stared at Aragorn expectantly, waiting for the Ranger to ask what this weapon was. Aragorn sighed again and asked, "What is this ultimate weapon? Your mother-in-law?" Sauron sputtered and floated back a few feet. The Eye turned even more red (if that's at all possible) from embarrassment and shouted, "NO!!! I'M NOT EVEN MARRIED!!!" Aragorn smirked and remarked, "I can't say I'm not surprised. What is the weapon then?"
Now that things seemed to be back on track, Sauron cackled evilly before shouting, "MARY SUES!!!!" Aragorn looked at Sauron confusedly, "…Say again?" Sauron blinked and said slowly, as if speaking to a dumb child, "…Mary Sues…you know…the characters that are in stories little preppy fan girls write where their character is uberly-powerful and they usually hook up with one of the more popular characters at the end of the story…or they die a rather heroic death. It's all rather droll actually, but also the perfect weapon!" Aragorn began scratching the back of his neck, still rather confused about the idea of these "Mary Sues" and said, "Yes well that's great. You go ahead and unleash this weapon. Fifty gold pieces says we'll still win though." Sauron huffed and said, "I'll take that bet and raise it to FIFTY THOUSAND GOLD PIECES!!!" Aragorn nodded slightly and said waving his hand, "You do that. Bring it on then." Sauron cackled and said, "Very well!" then winked out of sight.
"Oooookaaaay…" Aragorn thought to himself as he waited for something to happen. After a couple of minutes, nothing happened and Aragorn chuckled to himself. "So much for this ultimate weapon." He thought to himself. Just then however, he heard a high-pitched scream followed by someone shouting, "OMG!!! IT'Z AERYGURN!!!!!" Aragorn blinked confusedly and let out an 'OOF!' as he was tackled. On his descent, his head smacked up against the tree. As Aragorn watched little birdy's fly around his head, he dimly heard the same person's voice saying, "OMG OMG OMG! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! THE CREEPY EYE GUY ACTUALLY TOLD THE TRUTH!!!". The Ranger felt himself being bound by ropes and suddenly he realized that this must be…the Mary Sue.
Legolas ran on, still screeching his head off about the idiocy of Men, thievery, and death and destruction when he heard what sounded like a heard of buffalo running behind him. The Elf blinked, stopped, and turned around to see who or what was following him. He let out a frightened yelp when he saw what looked like fifty teenagers charging at him, all of them screaming, "LEEGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Legolas' eyes widened in shock and he yelled, "AAHHHHHH MARY SUES!!!!!!" before running for his very life. Either Mary Sues have more brains then we give them credit for, or it was just a stroke of luck, for up ahead were twenty more Mary Sues, all standing ready to stop Legolas before he got away.
Legolas shrieked and attempted to slow down and run in a different direction, but he was running too fast. He barreled into the twenty-some Mary Sues and was immediately engulfed, and captured as well.
Gimli sat smoking on his pipe and humming an old Dwarven song. He blinked in confusion as he saw approximately seven hundred teenagers carrying Legolas, Aragorn, Pippin, Frodo, Merry, Boromir, and Sam off. The Dwarf sat back and frowned in speculation. "What in the heck is going on here?" he thought to himself as he watched the girls disappear into the distance, along with his companions. Gimli shrugged, and returned to his pipe. As long as this didn't happen to him, he didn't much care right now. He'd go and rescue them later…if they needed rescuing.
Gimli yelped as a bright light surrounded the area. Thinking quick, he jumped behind a boulder and peered over cautiously, watching as the light concentrated in one area to begin to form what looked like a human shape. Sure enough, as the light solidified and cleared away entirely, there sat a teenage girl with brownish red hair who was holding a peculiarly shaped black object in her hands. A cord was connected to this object and it extended out, resting on the floor. The girl's eyes widened in disbelief and she screamed so sharply the Dwarf had to cover his ears to block it out. "WHAT THE $#&$?!?!?!?! I WAS ABOUT TO BEAT THAT !$#&! LUTHER INTO THE GROUND!!!!! NOBODY DEFEATS ALBEL, FAYT, AND THE SACRIFICAL DUMMY!!! NOOOOOOBOOOODY!!!!!!"(A/N: Yes I'm talking about Star Ocean: Till the End of Time here…and "Sacrificial Dummy" is the name I gave to one of the characters, Cliff, who was pretty much a distraction to my enemies while my other characters beat the living crap out of them).
She stood up and flung the object onto the ground, looking around with an expression that clearly stated she'd like to find whoever deprived her of her victory and destroy him or her. Her eyes settled on the terrified Dwarf and she blinked, "Oh…it's Gimli from Lord of the Rings…fancy that." She muttered, which made Gimli wonder about her sanity. "Uhhh…" the Dwarf muttered, "What's going on?" The teenager snorted and said, "I'd like to know the answer to that question too. Stupid Valar or whatever ya call them. Randomly warp me to a stupid land and say the random "YOU MUST SAVE MIDDLE-EARTH FROM CERTAIN DOOM!!!" speech and leave me clueless as to what I'm supposed to DO to save the stupid place. They could've at LEAST warped my PS2 here along with my TV…only…there's no electricity here is there?"
Gimli, by this time, was beginning to back away very slowly, hoping the crazed teenager wouldn't notice him. "JUST A DARN #!! MINUTE YOU!!! STAY WHERE YOU ARE!!!" she shouted. "Ahhh crap." Gimli thought, but he obeyed her command. She looked about ready to yell at the Dwarf when she suddenly cocked her head to a side and looked up at the sky. Her eyes widened in horror and she stuttered, "MARY SUES?!?! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH NO YOU CAN GET YOURSELF ANOTHER "HERO"! I'M NOT GOING NOWHERE NEAR THOSE BLASTED IDIOTS!!!!" She paused as if listening and shook her head, "Nononononononononono! Absolutely not! I may be human, but I'm no idiot. Do you have any idea how powerful those Mary Sues are?! They could take on Sauron alone if they had the brains to figure that out! Not no way, not no how I'm going up against them. I'd be killed in an instant! I'm not quite ready to die yet. So forget it and send me home." She then sat down on a boulder and sulked, obviously waiting to be taken back to her home. When nothing happened she leapt up from the boulder, waved her fist into the air and shouted, "DON'T YOU START TALKING TO ME ABOUT DESTINY!! YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO COME UP WITH AN EXCUSE FOR ME HAVING TO STAY HERE AND YOU KNOW IT!!!" Gimli blinked worriedly as he saw a triumphant smile cross the teenager's face. "Damn straight I can tell when you idiots are just saying things to make me feel special so I charge off on a suicidal mission. I can't go off against the Mary Sues when I'm powerless. And you certainly can't intervene with all those mystical godly rules about not interfering in mortal's affairs. So unless you have a non-suicidal plan to either get me more power temporarily or you have a non-suicidal plan on how to take down all seven hundred Mary Sues without any powers, I suggest you start taking me back to my home so I can kick Luther's sorry butt."
She pursed her lips, nodding slightly as she did so. "Hmmm…I supooooose I could try that…but if I die…you stay away from my funeral." Saying this, she turned towards Gimli, acting as if having conversations with gods was an everyday, normal thing. "Come on shorty, we're heading towards Isengard." She said cheerfully, walking off in what she thought was the right direction. Gimli cleared his throat nervously and said, "Ummm…Isengard is that way…" He then pointed in the opposite direction the teenager was walking. She blinked, stared at him, and started walking in the direction the Dwarf was pointing in, muttering something about how she knew it was that way all along and that she was just testing him. The Dwarf watched her retreating form, looked up at the skies and asked, "Do I really have to follow her?"
A lightning bolt striking the ground next to him answered his questions and he charged off towards the teenager, adjusting his pace to hers. "Well you seem to know my name human…what's yours?" Gimli inquired, trying to sound cheerful. The teenager shot him a suspicious glance then muttered, "Katrina. You'd better get used to my company because it looks like we might be stuck together until this crisis is solved. By the way, have you ever heard of Halo? It's a pretty fun game. You see, in it, you're this character called the Master Chief. You go around shooting up aliens and blowing up stuff. Eventually you meet up with these weird deformed creatures called "The Flood" and there's these annoying little ones I like to call "Popcorn" that just jump around and try to jump onto you and suck out your innards and stuff. Well…that's not what they really do but oh well…anyway so after you meet the Flood you…" She continued rambling on, until she covered the entire plot of the game. She then continued on to tell the horrified Dwarf about Halo 2. Gimli moaned and held his head in his hands. This was going to be a very long hike to Isengard indeed.