Hooray! People reviewed! I feel special now!
Replies to Reviewers!
Yavieriel Tarandir- That's a fun name. I must congratulate you on it. Anyway, thank ya for taking the time to review this story. I think that out of all my stories, this is by far the most insane one. Insanity is good for the soul though, don't you agree? Oh and the Mary Sue portal is ten miles past Greenland, turn left at the abnormally large rock jutting out from the water, keep going until you encounter the Mongolian Whale of Death (Bwahahahahaha I draw this fella everyday at school…he's my own creation…he constantly eats Florida…dunno why) eating a random island at which point you will ask him whether or not chickens fly. He should reply "Periwinkle.". You will then be surrounded by yellowish greenish lights and have to watch to The Phantom of the Opera. Afterwards you should arrive in Middle-Earth. If you mock The Phantom of the Opera however, you will be stuck forever in a parallel dimension where you will be surrounded by the winged monkeys from The Wizard of Oz only this time they're salespeople and they'll never leave you alone…so in short, do not mock the Phantom. Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha
Artemis1860- Ahhhh yes….The Matrix Has You was a wonderful wonderful flash thingy (if that's what you were referring to with the heh heh BURN BURN!). I have an unhealthy obsession with flash movies and games…oh well whatever keeps me happy I guess. ((dances around to "Masquerade" which is a song from The Phantom of the Opera)) I love this song…I have an unhealthy obsession with The Phantom of the Opera too….God I love that movie…if you haven't seen it, GO SEE IT DARN YOU! GRRRRRR GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR LADJLAKJDSLKGMASDVLKJASDLKGJASDGLAJL!...ok I'm done now. ((trots off to read her Samurai Deeper Kyo manga)) Lalalalalalalalalalalalala!
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Sauron's Ultimate Weapon: Part 3
"FOR GOODNESS SAKE! GO AWAY ALL READY! THIS IS ISENGARD! ISENGARD!" shouted Saruman of Many Colors…or Saruman the White…honestly why couldn't he choose one name and stick with it? I mean being called both of Many Colors and the White is kind of confusing…anyway…
"But there's those ugly green things running around here! Isn't there ugly green things in Mongolia?" one of the many Mary Sues camping at the base of Saruman's tower asked. Saruman blinked confusedly. "Mongolia? What in the heck is a Mongolia?" he pondered to himself. "Mongolia? It's an Asian country by China. It's also by Japan, the god country of anime, manga, and other random things. I think they meant Mordor in any case." a rather tired and annoyed voice remarked behind him.
Saruman cursed and turned around quickly to see a Dwarf and a young woman standing behind him, the woman wearing an expression that clearly stated she would maim and/or destroy anyone who dared to annoy her further than she was all ready annoyed. "What do you want! And how did you get up here!" Saruman asked in a bewildered manner. The Dwarf seemed about to say something but was quickly cut off by the girl, who said, "We came in through the front door of your tower, Shorty and I scared away any orcs that came close, then we walked up stairs…lots of stairs…honestly does your tower have to be THIS tall! I mean, a two story tower would be just fine with me but noooooooooooooo it has to be over two stories! Gah…"
Saruman blinked then asked slowly, "How exactly did you scare the orcs? You two don't seem that formidable enough to scare away all the orc sentries I had…" Once again the Dwarf seemed to want to reply but once again the girl cut him off, "Oh I found a packet of batteries for my CD player and I put them in and began blaring my music. They ran away from me screaming bloody murder…is it MY fault they don't like show tunes?...in fact…Shorty here almost had a heart attack when he heard my music…do people hate show tunes that much?" The young woman sighed dejectedly and sat on the floor, obviously pouting. Saruman arched an eyebrow, coughed lightly and began to ask why exactly these two were up on his tower when the girl screamed a bloodcurdling scream.
"WHAT!" both Dwarf and Wizard shouted at the same time. "A moth. I hate moths…I squished it though. Hah serves the little bug right…muahahahahahahahahahahaha." The young woman said, grinning evilly to herself as she regarded the squished insect with twisted pleasure.
By now Saruman was really beginning to doubt the sanity of the woman. He pressed his hand up against his forehead in frustration. If he hadn't exhausted himself by attacking those stupid Mary Sues in an attempt to drive them off, the two who were on the tower with him would be very dead from the time they set foot on top of his tower. The girl seemed to notice his growing rage as she smacked him on the shoulder companionably and said, "Awww buck up Saruman! I have a solution to your pest problem!" The Wizards eyes practically bulged out of their sockets when he heard this. He whirled around and grabbed the teenager by her shoulders and shook her viciously. "WHAT. DO. I. DO. GIRL?" He asked, shaking her after each word. The girl scowled and said, "This "Girl" has a name. If you want me to help, call me by it. Oh and let me go before I harm you."
Saruman glared at her suspiciously as he released the girl. She returned his glare with an equally hostile one as she massaged her shoulders each in turn. "Hmph. Anyway, my name's Katrina. Shorty over there is called Gimli. We can and will get rid of these Mary Sues for you, but there are conditions you need to follow through on."
"What are these conditions?" Saruman asked, his suspicion rising. Katrina blinked and said, "Only that during and after our extermination process, you don't interfere in any way shape or form. If you do, I will tell the remaining Mary Sues that you have Johnny Depp locked up in your tower." The last part was said threateningly, so Saruman decided that he would follow through on these conditions. He grumbled something along the lines of a reply and waved his hand towards the exit. The two got the message obviously as they both walked towards it, Katrina dragging her feet and sulking as they did so. Saruman watched them go, wondering how on Middle-Earth these two were going to rid him of the Mary Sues.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"This…sucks…when I get home I'm never climbing another staircase again." Katrina solemnly swore as they descended the stairs. Gimli looked over at her and rolled his eyes. The sooner he got rid of her, the better. He blinked confusedly as he heard Katrina let out a guttural growl. "You just gave me the "the sooner I get rid of her, the better" look. Well listen here Tubby, I'm no more happy about being with you than you are being with me. So just deal until we can part ways forever." Gimli glared at her and muttered, "Yes but I'm afraid I will be scarred for life because of my encounter with a crazy girl."
The Dwarfs eyes widened in confusion as he felt his helmet snatched off of his head. As he looked over at Katrina quizzically he felt something smack down on his head, rather hard too. He heard Katrina's maniacal laughter followed by, "That was worth all forty dollars it cost for me to buy this thing." As Gimli's vision cleared, he saw Katrina holding her now shattered CD player in her hands. He snarled in anger and leapt at her.
Katrina shrieked as Gimli barreled towards her. "DIVE DIVE DIVE!" she shouted as she threw herself onto the ground. Gimli went sailing past her, only to hit the wall with a loud BANG. "…ohhhhh crap." Katrina remarked quietly as she jumped to her feet and ran down the stairs, Gimli in hot pursuit. As she ran outside, several of the Mary Sues noticed Katrina's peril. "HEY YOU UGLY THING! LEAVE HER ALONE!" they all shouted as they blasted Gimli with several random destructive spells. Katrina whirled around to see what the huge explosion was and saw Gimli, now a Dwarven pile of ashes. "Ummm….it wasn't my fault. Honestly." Katrina said, glancing skyward.
"Are you all right!" one Mary Sue asked Katrina. "Don't worry about that ugly monster, he won't bother you anymore!" another added. Katrina blinked and said, "Actually…could you guys bring him back to life? We were…umm…playing tag…and…yeah…I'd appreciate it if you'd make it so he wasn't a pile of ashes anymore…" The Mary Sues all blinked slowly, processing this information at their rather slow pace. Several minutes later they all nodded and said, "KAY! Sorry for killing your friend! We'll bring him back now!"
They all turned towards the pile of ashes and each cast their respective resurrection spells. The ashes twirled upwards, coming together to form a shape. The shape solidified and standing there was…Gimli the Elf. "WHAT THE #!#!#!#!#!#!#?" Gilmi roared in anger. Katrina fell on the ground laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LITTLE FAIRY BOY GIMLI! THIS IS GREAT!" Gimli and the Mary Sues failed to see what was so hilarious about the current situation. "What's wrong? He's HOTT now!" one of the Mary Sues remarked confusedly. Gimli looked about ready to kill Katrina, the Sues, and himself all in a furious rage when Katrina sat up and wiped away tears from her eyes. "Sorry sorry, I was just overjoyed by his…new hott self that I couldn't help but laugh…Gimli dear put that axe away, killing people aren't going to improve your situation any." Gimli glared daggers at Katrina but did as he was bid, mumbling and grumbling to himself as he did. He blinked as he felt his axe begin to change and form into a bow. "#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!" he shrieked.
Katrina snorted, trying to prevent herself from laughing as she turned to the Mary Sues. "Hey you think you could gather everyone else? I got a message that EVERYONE should hear…" they blinked, nodded cheerfully and trotted off to gather everyone. Katrina turned back towards Gimli to find he was staring at his new bow, devoid of all emotion. "Oy, Fairy Boy, are you all right?" Katrina asked offhandedly.
The look he gave her would depress the most cheerful person. This, of course, had no affect on Katrina whatsoever. "Calm down. I bet if you ask the Valar reeeeaaaalllly nicely, they'll change you back into a Dwarf…or if you want I could ask for you…I suppose…I guess…ahhhhh fine just shut up and hold on." Katrina said, shutting her eyes abruptly. A few seconds later she opened them. "Good news Fairy Boy, they say they'll change you back after we succeed in our mission. Fun huh?" Gimli didn't reply, he just stared at Katrina dejectedly. "My beard." He finally said depressingly. Katrina blinked and cocked her head to a side, "Eh? Say what?"
"My beard…it's gone…" he continued mournfully. Katrina looked at him oddly before shrugging. "Whatever. Now if you'll excuse me, I should talk to the Mary Sues. Just stand there and look…pretty…hehehehehehe." She said, turning towards the approaching sea of Mary Sues. Katrina wasn't surprised to see that most of the Sues were Elves, Sues seemed to have an Elf fetish. She shrugged as she cleared her throat. "All righty people, I gathered you all here to point out a problem you have. First, a few questions, how many people here…luv Leggy?" Katrina winced as she said the last part, she HATED speaking Sue.
She wasn't surprised again when more than half the Sues raised their hands, shrieking their heads off as they did so. Katrina went off to list all the other imprisoned Fellowship members, each time becoming slowly deaf by the din the Sues created. After several hundred Sues stopped shrieking about Boromir, Katrina stood taller and said, "Well there's your problem. There's lots of you, but only one of them." A huge gasp arose from the gathered Sues as they realized what Katrina said was true. Several of them began glaring at each other, shouting such things as, "ARRYGURN LUVS M3!" and "PIPPY IZ MYNE!".
Katrina smirked, this was going to be easier than she thought. She cleared her throat rather loudly to interrupt the Sues' many squabbles. They all looked at her and shouted as one, "WHUT R WE GUNNA DUE!" Katrina raised her hand for silence, and said as after, "Well it's quite simple really. We arrange places where everyone will fight each other over their favorite character. For example…the ones who love Legolas go form a circle by the forest…just don't harm the trees, the Ents will be pissed if you do." The Sues regarded her as if she were insane, "Whu carez abuut thoze uglii thyngz!" one shouted. Katrina sighed and replied, "Just don't harm the trees. Legolas loves trees. He's an Elf…it's an Elf thing. He'll hate you if you harm the trees." The Sues looked at her in horror and solemnly swore not to harm a single leaf on the trees. As all the Legolas fans broke away towards the forest, Katrina found herself talking to a considerably smaller crowd. She assigned battle areas to each group of Sues until they were all gone. Katrina glanced up to the top of Saruman's tower and shouted up, "OY! GEEZER! SET OFF A SIGNAL SO THEY CAN BEGIN FIGHTING!"
Katrina heard a rather obscene reply and saw a small fireball shoot into the air. As it exploded, Katrina shouted, "FIGHT!" As the Sues began to steadily decline their numbers, Katrina trotted off humming "The Roof is On Fire" by The Blood hound Gang. She turned around when she saw Gimli wasn't following, but staring at his bow, obviously very depressed. "Come on Fairy Boy, I may need your help freeing everyone." Katrina chided. Gimli glared at her and muttered, "Oh go free them yourself. I'm staying here." Katrina scowled at him, turned back around and stormed off to find the Fellowship members. "Hmph, I'm forced to come here to free people I really don't care about. But do I complain? Noooooo….well ok maybe I do…but STILL! Those people are Fairy Boys friends! NOT MINE! Grrrr…I hate people." Katrina vented as she walked. So intent on complaining, she didn't notice the shadowy form following her. "And another thing! I WAS about to beat Luther! IT'S TAKEN ME FOREVER TO GET TO THE PONT WHERE I CAN BEAT THAT CRAPHEAD! AND WHAT DO I GET! A ONE WAY TICKET TO MIDDLE-EARTH, A PLACE THAT ISN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO EXIST! AND THEY EXPECT ME TO BE GLAD ABOUT IT! GAAAAAAAAAH I REALLY REALLY HATE PEOPLE!"
Katrina finally reached a technologically advanced prison. She peeked in through the bars and called in, "Helloooooo. Anyone there in the dark? I'm here to let you out." There was a screech of joy followed by a confused decleration. 'Well, I can safely say Pippin and Legolas are in this.' Katrina thought to herself. "If you're here to let us out, hurry up!" a new voice commanded. 'Ahhh…and there's dear Boromir…wonder if I should warn him about his impending death…nahhh.'. Katrina thought to herself. She blinked as she regarded the lock. "Oooooooooh this is one of those locks that presents a series of questions to you and if you don't get it right, a laser beam will pop out and shoots you! Finally things start to get interesting!" she squealed with joy.
"We're glad you're so amused, now please get us out." A strained voice pleaded. "Fine fine fine. Hold your horses Aragorn…" Katrina said. Sheblinked as she heard a high-pitched shriek fill the air. "Ohhhhh…...poopy" Katrina muttered as she turned around and spotted several Ringwraiths approaching. "Nice rescue job there…" she heard Boromir remark behind her. "Shut up. Just shut up." Katrina snarled in return. As she turned back to face the Wraiths, she found she was face to eye with the miniature of Sauron's Eye. "Hah! I win! Didn't I tell you that you'd lose Aragorn! Huh? Didn't I? Now even your rescuer needs to be rescued!" the Eye gloated. Aragorn and Katrina growled in unison. "Let her go Sauron, she has nothing to do with this." Aragorn muttered. "Oh do shut up Aragorn. You'll only make matters worse for me." Katrina snapped at the confused Ranger, Legolas gasped in horror at the use of the phrase "shut up". Aragorn huffed indignantly and said, "I'm just trying to help you!" Katrina rolled her eyes and said, "I said, shut up." Legolas gasped once again at the use of such vulgar terms and shouted out at Katrina, "Stoooooooop! Don't say that anymore! It's a BAD PHRASE!"
Katrina turned to regard the Elf, understanding why Gimli was so depressed in having been turned into one of them. She sighed and ignored the Elf, returning her attention to Sauron who had been rambling on for the past few minutes on how it was futile to resist, how he was going to torture Katrina needlessly then kill her, and how he was going to take over Middle-Earth once he got the Ring back. Choosing to ignore Sauron as well, Katrina began to think furiously of how she would get out of this predicament. 'God. I wish I had a flamethrower. But noooooo it's too dangerous my mom said! Hmph I don't see how torching a few Ringwraiths is dangerous…it's more along the lines of 'lifesaving'' Katrina thought dejectedly. She scanned the area for any means to create a fire to repel the Wraiths with. She blinked, stared at the Eye of Sauron and grinned evilly. 'This is gonna hurt, but hell, at least I won't die.' Katrina thought as she seized the Eye. "OW OW OW OW OW!" she shrieked as she chucked the extremely surprised Sauron at the Wraiths.
The Wraiths all caught flame as their Master collided with them. They shrieked as they ran off, a running ball of fire. Sauron smacked down onto the ground, getting dust in his Eye as he fell. "AHHHHHH OWWWWWYYYYYY YOU CHEATED!" Sauron sobbed as he disappeared. Silence reigned for a while, excluding the constant stream of swear words that poured continuously out of Katrina's mouth as she rocked back and forth, staring at her burnt hands in horror. Legolas fainted from these continuous obscenities and fell on top of Merry. Boromir sighed in frustration and said, "LET US OUT ALL READY!" Aragorn swiftly punched Boromir in the jaw and yelled, "DIE! JUST DIE BOROMIR!" A cat fight between Boromir and Aragorn ensued shortly afterwards, Frodo muttering something about a master plan to rid himself of these loonies.
Katrina gritted her teeth as she turned to regard the Fellowship. "I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAPPY! I WON'T BE ABLE TO PLAY VIDEOGAMES FOR A MONTH BECAUSE OF YOU! ALL I CAN SAY IS GIMLI BETTER HURRY HIS FAIRY ASS OVER HERE BECAUSE I CERTAINLY CAN'T OPEN THIS DOOR NOW THAT MY HANDS ARE BURNT BEYOND RECOGNITION!" Everyone blinked following this declaration as they looked to each other with wondering looks. "…fairy?" Pippin finally asked. "You rang?" an extremely depressed voice asked. The Fellowship stared in a mixture of horror and amusement as Gimli trotted up, in all his Elven glory. "THERE YOU ARE! HURRY UP AND OPEN THE BLASTED DOOR! THE ANSWER IS SEVEN!" Katrina shouted motioning towards the lock. Gimli strode dejectedly over to the lock, punched in the number seven and the prison door opened.
"What about the Mary Sues?" Aragorn asked as he stepped out of the prison. Gimli sighed and said, "They all killed each other off. I came after Katrina because I got bored." Legolas trotted out, spotted Gimli and squealed in joy. "YAY! YOU'RE PRETTY NOW! YOU'VE FINALLY REALIZED THAT PRETTINESS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THIS WORLD!" the Elf ran over and hugged the former Dwarf rambling on about how he would lend Gimli his make-up and other random stuff to help him get started being a perfect Elf. Katrina swiftly smacked Legolas in the face, shrieking out in pain as she realized too late that slapping someone with burnt hands hurts the person doing the slapping more than the person being slapped. She jumped up and down biting her lip and humming to herself desperately. Legolas stared at her in confusion.
Several minutes later the Fellowship (and Katrina) had all walked several miles away from Isengard. Katrina kept glancing skywards, just waiting to be taken back home. She was rather irked when they stopped to make camp and she hadn't been taken home yet. She was about to let out a cry of frustration when the Eye of Sauron appeared in front of them. "Phooey. You won the bet. That's not fair!" Sauron sulked. Aragorn rolled his eyes and said, "A bets a bet. Where's the fifty thousand gold pieces we discussed?" The Eye grumbled to itself and presently a huge bag of gold appeared in front of him. "Fine. You win. I'm gonna beat you next time though!" he shouted as he disappeared. "Yeah yeah whatever…" Aragorn muttered as he reached to grab the bag. He was shocked to discover it was missing.
The Ranger glanced up, spotting Katrina cackling madly as she ran away with the bag slung over her shoulder. "HEY! COME BACK HERE!" he shouted as he began to give chase. Katrina turned to regard him a while, saluted him while wincing at the pain carrying the bag caused her, and disappeared in a flash of light. Aragorn swore as he kicked a nearby rock. That little sneak! She had just stolen all of that money! The Ranger sighed in a depressed manner as he walked back to camp, noticing that Gimli was no longer an Elf, and Legolas very depressed to have found that he was once again the only Elf on this journey.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Wow that chapter was freakishly long. Hope you enjoyed this mini-story! I shall return to writing the normal one chapter long stories, with occasional multiple chapter stories thrown in…yay. You can tell me in reviews if you wish to see Katrina back for more of those multiple chapter stories. Bye peoples!