We Could Have Been Happy

A Harry/Draco One-Shot

Author : Finn-Turner

Rating : R; for implied slash, and to be safe.

Summary: Harry thinks about the night that Draco went away and how things could have been. Harry's POV. Rated R.

Disclaimer : I'm not J.K. Rowling. She has all rights to these characters. I'm sorry for any misinterpretations, but I'm just innocently doing what I love to do – portray angst.

Author's Notes : This is my first full-fledged Harry/Draco one-shot. I've never really written Harry in a positive light, as I'm not a Harry-lover, but I'm trying because I've found that there may be another side to him that "hero boy." This may not be as good as my other fics. This is from the point of view of Harry, which I've never written before. I don't know how old Harry or Draco are in this, but I believe it's sometime after third-year, but before seventh-year.

♦

In another time

We could have been happy.

♦

Darkness had just fallen when you disappeared.

It has been four months, two weeks, three days, eleven hours, sixteen minutes, and eight seconds since I last saw you.

I still do not know who took you away from me, but I have my suspicions. Everyone does. Everyone thought it was me for a while – that we had fought and I had done away with you, because no one had known what had been going on. We had both kept up our sides of the bargain – to never tell, to just act on our own private intuitions.

I had walked away from you in the middle of the Quidditch pitch – where we would always meet, because it was quiet there and beautiful, and no one would ever be able to find us unless they followed us. The darkness had come upon me too quickly as I walked away; I turned around to find you. I shined the light from my wand where you had once been. Where you would have been had …

Your cloak was still there, where we had been lying on the ground. It was still warm with your skin; it still smelled like the expensive French cologne that your father had taught you to wear. I looked around desperately for you. I could not see you. I could not find you.

It has been much too long since I have felt your hand in mine.

Dumbledore says I have changed in the past four months, but who would not? I have lost all that has ever made me truly happy. I have lost the person I thought I would be able to care about forever – and who I thought would care for me forever. Of course, he does not know this and I cannot tell him this.

I still feel the darkness sometimes, Draco. That darkness that strangely swallowed me, very suddenly. That darkness that swallowed you as well, destroyed you and pulled you from me. I'm sorry that I left you, Draco. I'm sorry that I left you there and did not wait for you. I still feel the darkness sometimes, the strange damp humidity on my skin and starless black sky. It was an unnatural darkness.

No one has seen your father either. They say he has run away, for fear that he will be implicated with your disappearance. Ron – I know you dislike Ron, but he is rather wise sometimes, please give him that - says that only guilty people run from what they have not been accused of. I think he may be on your side, because many people think you have been kidnapped by Voldemort, because you would not, because I may have … Never mind.

I wonder where you are. I wonder if you are still alive.

I hope you are alive, Draco, and someday I will find you again and I can love you again.

I think Hermione knows why I am so concerned with your disappearance. I know you always disliked her, but I do not think that is your fault. You're so different from her, and plus, you were never around her as much as I – remember, I disliked her at first, too. I'm sure that she and you could be good friends if… if things were different … if you weren't you, if I wasn't me, if Hermione wasn't Hermione.

But, if you weren't you, then maybe I would not love you. Or maybe we would never meet. Or maybe… maybe… maybe nothing in our lives would be the same – my parents would be alive, your parents would care, none of this would have ever happened, existed…

Anyway, I miss you.

Really, I just miss you. I miss looking into your eyes and feeling completely safe, even though I know that there are still people after me. I miss hearing your voice telling me that it will be all right. I miss how comforting you are. I miss lying beside you in the Quidditch pitch and just watching the sky darken. I miss your hand in mine the most, the gentle squeeze telling me that you were thinking of me. I wonder if you think of me sometimes now, if you can think, if you are live…

No, I should not think that way. You are alive. You are alive. You are alive, dammit.

I miss everything about you, Draco, and I wonder if you miss me as well. I wish I knew where you were. I wish I knew who had taken you, because then I would go after them- I would kill them, and I know it would distress you to hear me say that because you hate death, strangely. But I would kill whoever took you from me – if you ever return, I will hunt down that bastard and I will make them … no, no, I mustn't think that way.

I wish I knew why you were taken away from me – what harm were we doing, comforting one another?

Maybe if I wasn't Harry Potter, if you weren't Draco Malfoy… maybe then…

You always said that we were destined to be torn apart and that you took advantage of every moment that you could stare at me. You always said that if things were different, we could maybe be normal. But if things were different, maybe we would never meet or fall in love at all.

Darkness had just fallen when you were taken away from me. It was if someone had ripped out my heart, as if someone had taken away my right are, as if someone had taken something vital to my life. It was as if the oxygen was being filtered out of my world. You were gone and where was I? I was … I was… I was … I am dying without you.

In another time, we could have been happy, Draco. But not now, not ever.

I miss you. I love you. Please forgive me for leaving you. I'm so sorry. I should have never turned my back.