Disclaimer: I do not own any thing but my creativity and the silly plot. I am not making money with this story. It is purely for fun and laughter.
Warning: There is some light cussing in this story and a few suggestive tones P/W.
It is totally meant to be funny, I hope it is.
This was actually my Brothers idea. He gave me the suggestion and I went with it.
Thanks JD.
THE TROUBLE WITH GROW ING UP
"Welcome back to the show folks. I am your host Wilmer Smee." The portly old host says with a brilliant smile.
The audience claps madly while shouting and making barking noises as Wilmer shamelessly takes a bow.
"Thank you……Thank you." He smiles graciously. "No…really...you are to kind."
The red neon applause signs that are hung over the stage turn off and the audience slowly winds down.
"Today's show is titled, "Love, Kisses and Feelings."
The song "Love Stinks" By the J Giles Band plays in the back ground as Smee flashes a toothy smile at the camera for a brief moment and stands in a pose that resembles a man posing for an under wear add.
"I've had the blues...The reds and the pinks... One thing for sure (Love stinks)...Love stinks ...yeah yeah."
He then take a seat in his chair that is placed in the center of the stage.
"We are here talking with Peter Pan of Neverland. Peter does not want to grow up……he wants to always be a boy and have fun."
All of the men in the audience clap excitedly and the women boo.
"Peter, I have to ask you…What is it exactly about growing up that you dislike so much?"
"Well Smee….There are of course, feelings." Peter answers as he shivers and grimaces as though he has just tasted a lemon. "But there are also bills, credit cards and school. Plus there is that whole "work in an office" thing. How dreadful to be stuck in one of those cubicle thingy's for the rest of your life."
The audience boos, "No cubicles…..booooo!"
"You know Peter? You do not have to work in an office. You could be a truck driver or an actor or even a writer."
Peter shakes his head no. "I would rather take my medicine." He replies as he crosses his arms defensively over his chest.
"At this time I would like to bring out Peter's long time friend and confidant Tinkerbell." Smee announces.
As Tink flies in she is mortified to hear that her theme music is "I Touch My Self." by the Divinyls.
"I don't want….Any body else….When I think about you I touch myself."
She has blushed four shades of pink and she sits down in the chair beside Peter, as she shakes her head and shrugs her shoulders as if she doesn't get the reference.
Peter is looking down on her with his brow furrowed and disturbed look on his face.
Tink just shrugs again and acts obtuse as she turns back to Smee.
"Tinkerbell, what is it that bothers you about Peter?"
"Well," Tink starts out, "We have been together for years, and the first time-"
"We are not together Tink, we are only friends." Peter corrects her as he shakes his head.
"Oh……..well I did not mean together……..as in together." She nervously laughs. "I meant that we have been friends for a very long time. And the first time I play an innocent joke on the Wendy lady, he dumps me. He banished me like I was just some piece of dirt or something."
The audience boos. "Booooo."
"Tinkerbell." Smee says as he looks at his note on his 4 x 5 note cards. "It says here that you instructed the lost boys to shoot Wendy down…….and …… well they did, and she almost bit the big one. That is hardly a prank." He says then he takes a sip from his coffee cup.
The audience gasps in mock horror, "Gasp!"
"Yeah well….I taught him to fly, I drank poison for him and I made his stupid leaf pants so that he would not be walking around all….naked stuff." She stops for a moment, smiles and dazes off in a day dream. ….."And then he dumps me for that wench Wendy."
Peter drops his face in his hands and shakes his head from side to side in embarrassment.
"Are you saying that you have feelings for Peter……….other than friend ship?" Smee asks, then his mouth turns into an o. As she answers he takes another sip from his coffee cup.
"Yes…Um no….I guess so……I do not know." Tink studders.
The audience gasps and murmurs back and forth to one another.
Peter, face still covered by his hands, shakes his head again.
"But Tink……may I call you Tink?" Smee asks, flashing his best toothy used car salesman smile.
"What ever." she replies dismissing him with a wave of her hand.
"Tink….There does seems to be quite a size difference between you and Peter." Smee points out. "Don't you think it might be a little to awkward for you two to hook up. No pun intended folks." He slaps his knee and laughs at his own joke.
"Hey I resemble…I mean… I resent that remark." Tink replies. "And any ways….Its not the size of the ocean it is how many fish there are in the sea that counts." Tink says ignorantly.
The audience is stunned into silence for a moment as they attempt to figure out what in the heck the tiny fairy is talking about. They began to clap loudly and holler as the red neon applause signs light up and begin to blink rapidly.
"Yeah!" She yells in response to the audience cheering. "And I bet I am a much better thimbler than that stupid Wendy lady. I am less reserved and I can do this." She flies to the floor and proceeds to do the robot followed by some awkward, off beat break dancing.
Smee looks at her bemused, takes another sip of his coffee and says, "Well yes….thank you…Tink…er…bell." He then smiles.
Tink flies back up to her chair and sits down, crosses her arms and smiles triumphantly looking at Peter who is a still sitting with his hand covering his face.
Smee breaks out of his trance and says…."Well right you are there little fairy…and speaking of the Wendy Lady…..I'd like to bring out Peters girlfriend, Wendy Moira Angela Darling…..The girl who says there is so much more…..Lets give it up for Wendy folks!"
Wendy walks on stage as "Kiss" by the artist formerly known as and now known once again as Prince.
She is wearing her white night shirt and she is looking down as she timidly walks toward the front of the stage. Peter can't help but smile at her innocence. Once she is in front of Peter she reaches up and tugs her night gown which release at the sides which were secured with Velcro. Once she is free of the nighty Peter's eyes bug out and he gasps and almost chokes on his own breath.
Wendy is wearing a hot pink tub top, black leather mini skirt, fish nets and a pair of CFM high heels. She has on a little eye make up and lots of pink lip gloss.
Peter and Tink look at each other in total shock. Peter gulps and looks back to Wendy.
She put her hands on her hips and parades back an forth across the stage shaking her booty as the song continues to play.
The men, and some women, in the audience are going wild. They are barking and chanting, "Wendy, Wendy, Wendy!"
She saunters right up to Peter, reaches out her hand and tussles his hair and then looks down her nose at Tink and sneers.
"I just want your extra time and your…….kiss."
She blows a kiss to the audience and takes a seat next to Peter. He looks at her with his mouth hanging wide open. And she gives him a crooked smile and raises her left eyebrow suggestively.
Guys in the audience are still yelling her name, so the ever jealous Peter takes her hand possessively in his and glares intensely at the audience.
"Welcome, Wendy Darrrling." Smee says to her with a wink.
"Thank you, it is good to be here Smee." She replies happily.
"You are looking quite fabulous today." He says and then takes a sip from his coffee cup.
"Oh…… these old things? Its just a little something I picked up from Walmarket." She replies.
"How long have you and Peter been an item?" He asks
"Oh…… for about six years now." She answers.
"You have been listening from back stage in the green room. What do you think of all that has been said so far?"
"Well Smee…I must tell you, Peter acts as if he has no feelings….but I know he does." She says with a coy smile.
Peter snaps his head towards her and glares a little.
"He also claims that he wishes always to remain a boy and have fun……but I think he is full of crap." She says and then giggles.
The crowd simultaneously says, "UUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuu."
He pulls his hand away from her and winces in reaction to her cutting remark.
"I think he needs to grow up and face his real feelings." She adds.
"Why do you think he refuses to grow up?" Smee asks as he takes a hanky out of his pocket and dabs his forehead.
"I do not know for sure, buy maybe if that sleazy impudent little fairy would get out of his ear and stop filling his head full of fairy dust, he might be able to think for himself. And he just might decide to grow up and be a man."
"What bitch?" Tink asked.
"You heard me shorty." Wendy replied.
"Who are you calling shorty……prude!" Tink asks as she stands up and puts her hands on her hips.
"I'm callin you shorty……shorty!" Wendy retorts giving Tink the old stink eye.
Tink yells as she flies at Wendy and pulls her hair. Wendy slaps at the derranged fairy and screams.
Wendy and Tink have an intense slap fight. Both girls are swatting at each other while screaming profanities at one another.
The crowd goes wild, some are chanting Wendy's name and others are chanting Tink's name.
The body guards run up on stage, one grabs Wendy around the waist and pulls her back and the other pinches Tink's wings betweens his 2 fingers and plucks her away from Wendy.
Peter slaps his hand to his cheek and keeps it there as he watches the two girls fight. He looks at the host and sighs.
"You see what I have to deal with Smee?" Peter says. "This happens all of the time."
The show cuts away to a commercial as the guards attempt to calm the two fighting girls.
Smee disappears back stag to refill his coffee cup, and then returns to the stage as the commercial break is about to end.
Wendy calms down and smiles at the guard and says, "Thank you." And of course, she blushes.
After the short commercial break we return to the show. Tink is sitting on one side of the stage and Wendy is sitting on the opposite side. Peter is in the very middle sitting next to Smee.
"WOW! That was some scuffle." Smee says with the smile of a drunken Tupperware saleswomen.
Tink chimmed something and flipped Wendy off.
Wendy replied, "What ever Tink . Who would want to be with someone who can only have one emotion at a time any ways?"
"Now, now girls……lets not fight." Smee says, still smiling.
"This is just getting on my nerves." Wendy says. "I am getting bored and I am tired of feeling like I do not have Peter's full attention. If it is not Tink, it is Tiger Lily. If it is not Tiger Lily, it is the mermaids. It feels like there is always someone else taking up Peter's time, and that I have to constantly compete with them to obtain his attention."
"What about you and Captain Hook?" Peter spits out accusingly. "You flirt with him and bat your eyelashes at him every chance you get."
"Peter…how can you say that?" She asks looking doe eyed. "There is nothing between James and I. And I do not flirt with him."
"James huh! So you are on a first name basis with him now……… Red Handed Jill?" He asks accusingly as he leers at her.
"Peter……. we only had diner that one time and I told you that all we did was talk, I find him to be a man of real –"
"AAARRRGGHHH!" Peter yells. "If you say that he is a man of real feeling once more I swear I will……..I will get super pissed off and…….I will fly away and not talk to you again until I forget why I got mad in the first place!"
"You know….I am really getting tired of your childish outbursts." Wendy admits. "And I am tired of feeling rejected. Maybe I should just move on Peter."
"Is that a threat?" He asks, looking at her through narrowed eyes.
"No Peter, those are the facts." She replies. "Believe me………there are plenty of boys out there that would love to get with this." She says as she waives her hand in front of her body. "Either you step up and act like a man or I will get to stepping!" She adds as she snaps her fingers over her head.
The audience cheers wildly…."Wendy, Wendy, Wendy!"
"Fine... go ahead and be cheap little floozy. I don't need you any ways." He screams, as he flies through the center aisle of the audience and out of the double doors at the back of the studio.
The audience gasps and watched him in stunned silence.
Wendy looks at Smee. "You see, this is what he does…..He runs away like a big baby. You can see that he is not a baby……..right?" She asks, waiving her hand in the direction that Peter has just flown in. "I do not think that the silly ass even realizes that he has grown up. He thinks he is still twelve"
"Uh hum….I see. Twelve….nope, he is not twelve." Smee replies looking at her with a silly smile. He then looks into the camera and says. "Well we will be right back after this commercial break."
After cameras stop rolling, Smee stops smiling and yells, "I need a friggen drink! My...um…"coffee" cup is empty…….Oh bugger, just give me my flask."
Wendy sits sulking and notices that one of the guards is smiling at her. She coyly smiles back. The handsome young man walks over to talk to her and writes down his phone number on a post it note. She takes the piece of paper and tucks in into her tub top.
Just then, a roar sounds from the back of the studio as Peter crashes in through the double doors. It seems that he had not left but rather he was spying on Wendy and witnessed the exchange between Wendy and the handsome young guard.
He flies up to the stage and grabs Wendy around her waist, as she squeals in delight at his gallant return, and he sets her down on the other side of the stage and then flies back to the side of the stage where the stupefied guard is standing and engages in fisticuffs with him. After he thoroughly beats the tar out of the poor guard, he flies back to Wendy, scoops her up in his arms and flies back stage with her.
"Hello…… I am Smee and you are watching……. My show. Today's topic is Love, Feelings, Kissy Wissys, and Love." He announces with a giggle. It seems that Smee did not actually have coffee in his coffee cup.
"We were chatting with Tinkerbell the fairy…….. as you can see her sitting in the chair there……..with the wings and all that fairy looking shiny dust……Yes well. Hic up!"
"We werrrre talking with Peter Friggin Pan and his bit… Hic up! ……His girlfriend Wennny. But they are gone." He slurres and moves his arm in front of him in a cutting motion. Then he laughs. "
"But they are comin back……Uh huh..…. now less give a big ole huge ass welcome to Pener an Weny…. Hic up!"
The audience claps and chants, "Smee, Smee, Smee!" He smiles and waives at them as he stumbles and almost falls backwards.
Peter and Wendy return to the stage. Her skirt is on backwards and she is no longer wearing her fish net stocking or her CFM high hills. Her hair is messy and there are leaves sticking out the bottom of her skirt. Peter's leaves are disheveled and there is pink lip gloss smeared on his face around his lips. He is smiling wickedly as they take a seat next to Smee.
"Take a seat." Smee slurs. "Pener….what happened back there……why are you smiling sooo wide?" He askes as he reaches up to point at Peters mouth.
"Well…….. I found out that there is much more to growing up than I had thought originally….so much more." He smiles and looks at Wendy and takes her hand in his.
"So what happens now?" Smee asks sleepy eyed.
"Well I guess I am willing to grow up." Peter answers.
The audience gasps in surprise.
Peter stands up and bends down and scoops Wendy up out of the chair and into his arms. She squeals and wraps her arms around his neck.
"Waiiiitt…. Pener. "Smee begs. "Where are you goin….Penerrr?" He adds with a whine.
"Back to her place of course……I want to start growing up right away." He replies with a crooked cocky smile. And he flies to the back of the audience and out of the two double doors in the back with his Wendy in his arms.
The audience goes mad, hooting and hollering. "Peter, Peter, Peter!"
Tink has been sitting in the chair resting her chin on her hands silently watching the entire exchange.
"Tikkkk... you have been awful…awwfuulll……quiet there little girrrly." Smee says as he rests his chin in his hand and looks down at the emotionally beaten fairy.
"I give up." She says as she throws her hands up in the air. "They do this every frieken time. I am going back to Kensignton Gardens and find me a new boy." And with that said she flies up and out through the air conditioning vent in the ceiling.
"Wellllll….. that was weird. Hick up!" Smee slurs. "Well Thas our show fokks. I have a final thought ……. zzzzzzzzzzzz….zzzzz…….zzzzzz."
With Smee drunk and passed out on the stage. The handsome young guard has to wrap up the show and give the final thought.
"All though you do not have to completely loose touch with the child within, you do not need to fear the aspect of growing up either. Until next time see ya and would not want to be ya." He says and finishes with a wink and a nod of his head.
The show ends with John Cougar Mellancamps "Hurt so Good".
"Sometimes looooove dont feel like it should... You make it...Hurt so good."
I am having one of those weeks and needed to blow off some steam. I am moving and every thing is really hectic.
I hope you got a laugh out of this. Humingbird
P.S. To those of you reading "A Strange Twiste of Fate", hang in there. The next chapter is very important and I do not want to rush it. (Wink, Wink)