WARNING: This fic contains extreme OOCness, alternate, alternate pairings, and just plain scariness. Proceed with caution.
Pairings include: Miroku/Sango, implied Sesshoumaru/Kagura, Shippou/Miroku, Miroku/Kagura, Shippou/Kagome, Miroku/Kagome, implied Miroku/Inuyasha, Inuyasha/Kagura, Miroku/Kikyou, Kouga/Sango. Do not read if any of these will deeply offend you.
DISCLAIMER: We don't own any of these characters. Save the random girl at the end.
e.p.i.s.o.d.e.
"I love Sango," said Miroku. He held his staff. It was a pretty staff.
"Um," said Kagura. She flew away on a feather, for that is what she does on a regular basis.
"Don't kill me," Kagura said to Naraku. "…Please?" She got chained to a wall. She was sad. She missed Sesshoumaru. She wanted to marry him. She wanted to kill his fangirls.
"I'm a fangirl!" said Shippou.
"What the heck?" said Kagome. "Fangirl of who? Miroku?"
"Yea! He's a bishie! I want to marry him!" said Shippou.
"Oh no you won't!" Kagura said, who was no longer chained to a wall. "For I am secretly in love with him!" She stopped. "You did not hear that." She flew away. Again.
"And she would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for us meddling kids and our dog," Sango said, pointing to Inuyasha.
"Eh?" said Inuyasha. He was a dog demon. He did not know what Sango was talking about.
"I wanna be a dog! Woof! Can I play?" said Shippou.
"You're so cute," said Kagome. She patted him on the head. He was a bishie. She was having an affair with him.
"That reminds me, Kagome, wanna go shopping today?" said Shippou.
"Sorry, I can't, I have a date with Miroku," said Kagome.
"Sango is hot," Miroku declared while grabbing her butt. This was not very surprising, as he does this all the time.
"I understand your perversion, Miroku!" Sango said happily. She knew Miroku had problems. Sango decided to let Miroku work out his own issues.
"Are Sango and Miroku having problems in their relationship?" said Shippou.
"Yes, they are," said Kagome.
"Then they should call…THE LOVE DOCTOR! He even makes housecalls, now! Old married couples, or newlyweds, he's got a bit of advice for everyone! Call now, and you'll get a free pair of kissing teddy bears just in time for Valentine's Day! And your own box of special Belgian chocolate! Call: 1-800-LOVE-YOU! All divorces after this appointment are purely coincidental," said Shippou.
"Wow," said Kagome. "I didn't know you knew how to make public service announcements," said Kagome.
"I'm a doggy," said Inuyasha. Sango patted him happily on the head.
"Hewe's a tweat, wittwe doggie woggie," she said, handing him a doggie treat. Inuyasha scarfed it down.
"I like dogs!" Miroku cried happily. He did not realize the wrongness implied.
Meanwhile, the great and powerful God was watching from up above.
"Are they using coke, or heroin?" God wondered. He and his angels began a betting pool. God bet on heroin.
"Sing a song of sixpence," Inuyasha sang, skipping around in a merry little circle.
"Pocket full of rye," said Sango.
"Four and twenty blackbirds, baked in a pie," Inuyasha said. Then he stopped. He was sad. He felt sorry for the birdies.
Kagura once again landed in front of them all. She was seething in hate. She wasn't sure why she hated the world, but she did. "I hate you," said she. "Die!" She broke down and started crying for reasons unknown.
Inuyasha started crying too. "I"—sniff—"never knew"—sob—"my mommy!" He sobbed. "I want my mommy." He patted Kagura on the back. "It's okay, Smefilbang."
"I LOVE YOU INUYASHA!" Kagura declared suddenly. She grabbed him by the collar and kissed him passionately.
"Yay!" said Inuyasha. He grabbed her hands and they skipped around in a circle, singing happy songs of sunflowers and bunnies.
Kagura no longer hated the world. She was happy! She loved Inuyasha.
"I thought she loved me," Miroku said, his lip quivering ever so slightly. "I'M SO UNLOVED!"
"Don't worry!" Kikyou said in a high, squeaky voice. "I love you!" She turned a back handspring. "I'm a gymnast!" she said.
"Wanna come to our wedding, Kiki?" Inuyasha asked her, cocking his head almost upside down.
"Die, Inuyasha!" Kikyou cried passionately, shooting an arrow into his shoulder and pinning him to Kagura.
"Ew," said Kagura. "This is uncomfortable."
"Hey," said Sango. "I'm being ignored!"
Kagome was bored. Then she noticed Sango. Then she looked to Shippou. Then she grabbed Shippou and started passionately kissing him.
Sango cheered and whistled.
"Hey, babe," Kouga said, suddenly appearing by Sango. "What's a girl like you doing in a…uh…place like this? Where are we anyway?" He was confused.
"Mwah!" Sango said, blowing a kiss to Kouga's ponytail.
"Uh," said Kouga, backing away.
"K-Kikyou!" Inuyasha cried. "I—I—Hey, is that chocolate?"
"MINE! What? Wouldn't you do the same thing? MINE!"
It remained unclear who said that.
"May I have this dance?" Sango asked Kouga gallantly, curtsying in her battle outfit. She offered him a dainty hand.
"Indeed," Kouga said, in his stunning miniskirt.
Suddenly, the weird fire youkai from the RPG appeared and set off explosives in the floor. He does thinks like that. Does he scare me? Yeah. He does.
Consequently, this explosion did not manage to harm anyone in any way, but someone split them up. In groups of twos. Or threes. Yeah.
Sango and Kouga ignored the explosions and screams of surprise, and continued waltzing to blue-grass music.
Suddenly, the blue-grass music stopped. Romantic, mood-music started playing.
Kagome yelled from a far-off island, "HEY! WHAT IS THAT CRAP? ARE WE AT A FUNERAL OR SOMETHING? LET'S ROCK AND ROLL!"
And so a bunch of obviously fake Elvis impersonators began to dance with Sango and Kouga.
Sango began to breakdance; she did the worm, span on her head, than tried to flip and fell down on Kouga. Sango started crying and ran away. She wiped her eyes with Inuyasha's hair.
Miroku felt left out. He looked at Kikyou. "Let's go bake oatmeal raisin cookies, my love!"
"I want chocolate chip cookies!" cried Kagome. "Hey, Miroku, can I be your kid?"
"Shut up, woman!" Miroku yelled and slapped Kagome unconscious.
Shippou ran up. "KAGOME, MY LOVE? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MIROKU, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" He started to kiss her cheek passionately.
Kagome suddenly woke up. "Hey, how the hell can you kiss my cheek passionately?"
Shippou's eyes widened. "KAGOME! YOU POTTYMOUTH! YOU SAID THE H-WORD! I'M TELLING! AND WE'RE OVER! Besides, I saw this really hot kitsune…You're ugly!"
Kagome started crying, and nibbled on a stale, very stale, chocolate covered cockroach.
"Yummy!" said Inuyasha, sipping daintily from a cherry and chocolate chip cookie flavored slurpie. "It's chocolatey AND fruity!
"MIIIINE!" yelled Kagome.
Miroku was scared. Very scared. After all, he had only wanted to make cookies. "I wanna make cookies!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. He was ignored. "IWANNAMAKECOOKIESIWANNAMAKECOOKIESIWANNAMAKECOOKIES!" He proceeded to through a temper tantrum.
"Awwwwwww! My little Miroku! See? That old dead hag makes you sad. Come with me, and we can have 'fun.'" At this, Kagome raised her eyebrows twice in a suggestive manner.
"Shut up, woman!" He repeated. He tried to slap her unconscious again, but missed.
"Oh, c'mon, Miroku! You know you want to…" She battered her eyelashes. Again in a suggestive manner.
Shippou bounced happily. "Yea, Miroku! C'mon! Besides, I wanna see what your kid would be like!"
"WHAT THE HELL? Where did he learn how a kid is made?" Kagome glowered at Miroku. "Miroku…you didn't…DIE!"
"Bad temper…another sign of hunger. Grab a snickers!" sang Sango.
i.n.f.i.n.i.t.y.
"Oh my God," said a random girl on the western hemisphere, sitting upright in her bed. "What the hell kind of dream was that?"
She slowly took deep, calming breaths and thought maybe she should stop reading bad fanfiction right before bed from then on.