"... Tonight all is done ; there is nothing to do.
Boredom creeps, I wish it were a feeling I'd never known.
I breathed a wish and then went on to dream it true,
Only one spell I want to learn : turn my heart into stone.
For I feel now that it's made of glass,
You touch it once and it breaks in pieces !
How long must I wait to pass,
This time where I only get dreaming kisses..."
So it finally happened... Harry finally told me the thing that's been bothering him for some time now, and that had been preventing him from looking at me in the eye... Not many people do, so I don't want the few people who acknowledge me as a person to stop doing so. The prophecy... I don't know why he really thought it would disturb me to know I could have been him. Living his life, overcoming his hardships... Would he be me then ? Would the Boy-who-lived live through my life ?
Harry should have realized my life was always destined to almost be someone I am not. Either my father, or my mother, whom I am not worthy of, are the models I try to follow. Yes, Grandmother, despite what you think, it's not on purpose that I break everything I touch and fail everything I do. It is a pure natural talent bend toward destruction that prevents me from being the person you want me to be.
Well except Herbology... I remember that as a child I thought I was only talented with living things such as plants... I'm not that pretentious anymore. I dislike animals and have no talent whatsoever with people... Plants are easy because they have no will, no personality. Do I recognize myself in them ? That thought alone is rather depressing... as if I needed another reminder of my own failure.
They say that people like me are the ones that join Voldemort... Just like Peter Petigrew, whose story I heard once in the common room when Harry, Ron and Hermione didn't see me just beside them, eavesdropping into their conversation. Sometimes I wonder if I should pursue my invisibility talents and turn it into an actual power. Peter was me of course... The weak tag-along behind the brilliant trio. The analogy was just too obvious, but I shall not follow his path. I am not too fond of Voldemort, as he is to be blamed of my personal failure. Moreover, unlike Peter I do not seek power... I got used to being the one who fails... Foolish Peter, the hatred in Harry's voice when he spoke about him... Trust me Peter it's better to be just the loser than the monster. It's better to take the pity in Ginny's voice when she said she'd go with me to the Yule Ball... the pity in Hermione's features when she listed the ingredients of the Polyjuice potion to me... the pity in Harry's eyes when he told me I was worth twelve times Malfoy... Trust me Harry, it is better to be feared as you were in our second year than being the one who is always overlooked. Trust me Harry, it is not me who should feel lucky for not being you, it is you who should sigh with relief for not living my life. Because you are someone who can live to the expectations people have on you, whereas I cannot.
And I will keep living the way I always did.
Failing... But whatever failure I bring upon myself, it will be my own ! Whereas you Peter, are but the puppet of another. That is to be the greatest difference between the of us
And my greatest glory will be to almost have been Harry... how pathetic...
Dedicated to Neville Longbottom, whose resilience to his own shortcomings proved to be his greatest strength...