Bo, Hope and Shawn made it up to ICU 4. There was a small window that separated the room Alyssa was in from her family. Bo, Hope and Shawn approached the window and looked in. Alyssa was lying in the bed, looking just as peaceful as when she slept. Her face was still pale and her lips still purple, but she was alive. Her wrists were wrapped in white gauze.
"Bo." Hope nearly fell apart, seeing her daughter in that hospital bed. Bo held Hope and kissed her forehead.
"She's gonna be alright and we're going to make sure this never happens again." He promised.
Seconds later, Belle ran up to ICU 4 with her mother right behind her.
"Oh Marlena. Thanks so much for coming." Hope said as she embraced her friend.
"How are you doing Hope?" Marlena asked quietly. Hope sighed and she began to cry again.
"Marlena, she shouldn't be in there. We shouldn't have left her alone." She cried out.
"No! Hope don't do this to yourself! This couldn't have been prevented, only delayed. If Alyssa had her mind set, it would have happened whether you went out or not. Don't torture yourself with blaming yourself. I'm a psychiatrist and I never saw it coming, not from Alyssa. That just proves that suicides happen impulsively. You couldn't have done anything." Marlena assured her. Hope nodded, only half believing her. Through the window, they saw Alyssa slightly stirring.
"I'll go talk to her now. Why don't you go sit over there and I'll come get you when I'm finished. Trust me, this will all be okay." Marlena smiled as she watched Bo, Hope, Shawn and Belle slowly walk over to sit down in the waiting area. Marlena turned and quietly let herself into the hospital room. She looked down at Alyssa and then at the bandaged wrists. What happened to make you think life wasn't worth living? She thought as she pulled a chair over to the side of the bed. She knew that Alyssa was starting to wake up, because she was moving slightly. Marlena watched and remembered that she had watched this girl grow up. Shawn and Belle had met in kindergarten and their families became friends instantly. Alyssa was only a year old when that happened and Marlena watched Alyssa grow up into a wonderful young lady, who had loving parents and great brothers. So then why did she try to kill herself?
She watched as Alyssa's eyes slowly opened and drowsily searched the room. She stopped when she saw Marlena gently smiling at her.
"Hi sweetie. How are you feeling?" She asked carefully. Alyssa puckered her brow and scanned the room again.
"I'm in the hospital?" She asked in almost a whisper.
"Yes honey, do you remember why?" Marlena asked the question with care. She had a feeling that Alyssa was having a moment of amnesia and was ready for Alyssa's reaction when she remembered what she had done to herself. Will she be relieved that she's alive or will she be angry that it didn't work? She watched carefully as Alyssa thought back. Then she shrugged.
"I don't remember." She said as she raised her hand to scratch her head. She grazed down at the bandaged wrists and her eyes widened. Her mind flashed back to only an hour or so ago when she tearfully took her mother's butcher knife and ran up to her bedroom to write a note. She used her pink paper because it reminded her of her time at Salem Place with her dad. She put the note in her coat pocket because she knew if she was rushed to the hospital, her mother would insist on bringing her coat. Her mother was such a hopeful woman, just like her name.
Alyssa continued to stare at the bandages and she started to cry.
"Don't look at them Alyssa, look at me." Marlena said as she took Alyssa's arm and placed it back down.
"Oh my gosh, what have I done?" Alyssa cried out. Marlena leaned over and took the crying girl into her arms and held her as she sobbed.
"There, there sweetie. Don't cry. You're alright. Shh. You're fine." Marlena soothed. Alyssa stopped her tears for a moment.
"Why would I do something so stupid?" She asked, but it was a question she was asking herself, not Marlena. Marlena stroked her hair.
"I think we need to talk Alyssa." She said quietly as Alyssa leaned back against the white pillows. Alyssa wiped away her tears, and tried to avoid looking at her wrists.
"Now Alyssa, this may be hard to talk about, but it's important. We've all noticed a change in you this year. You've become more depressed. Have you been feeling depressed lately?" Marlena asked, trying to make Alyssa as comfortable as possible. Alyssa looked away, avoiding eye contact. She reluctantly nodded.
"Belle's been telling me things that you've told her. I hope that's okay. She tells me that for the last week, you haven't been sleeping. Is that right?" Marlena watched as Alyssa nodded again.
"I may be wrong, but I'm guessing that something is happening to you that's making you depressed and it's been on your mind a lot. So much that it keeps you awake at night. Something that you haven't talked to anybody about, not even your parents." Marlena guessed. She watched as Alyssa swallowed hard, still avoiding eye contact. Marlena knew she hit the nail right on the head.
"So whatever's been happening must be pretty bad. So bad that you couldn't take it anymore, so you wanted it to end. So Alyssa, maybe now it's time for you to open up. Let people in so you don't have to deal with this alone anymore." Marlena was quiet, waiting for a hesitant Alyssa to open her mouth and finally let herself talk about the pain that nearly ended her life.
She was still crying. She didn't want to deal with the pain anymore. She felt so angry at herself for trying to kill herself. She could feel herself giving in, she couldn't deal with it by herself.
"I didn't want to die. I really didn't. I just didn't know what else to do. I thought I would be okay dealing with it on my own. I didn't think I needed to talk about it." Alyssa cried out. Marlena's heart sunk. She had dealt with many suicidal teenagers in her career, but this was Alyssa. She was like a second daughter, and seeing her this depressed made Marlena have to fight back her own tears. She swallowed hard and continued.
"Alyssa, it's important to share feelings with people. Keeping them to yourself can be dangerous, as you've just experienced. But God's given you a second chance to let those feelings out. I want to help you Alyssa. We don't want this to happen again. We all love you. Let us in. Your family is concerned about you." Marlena smiled warmly as Alyssa seemed to betaking it all in.
"I didn't mean to hurt them. I didn't want to leave them, but her voice was just so strong." Alyssa said, staring off into space, as if she were remembering. Marlena tilted her head slightly.
"Who's voice, honey? Who's voice are you talking about?" She asked. Now we're getting somewhere.
"Joline." Alyssa said as her voice cracked. She stopped herself from crying.
"Who's Joline? Why was her voice in your head tonight?" Marlena asked as Alyssa breathed in. She wasn't sure if she should talk about it. I just tried to kill myself, she remembered. All because I couldn't open up. She looked at Marlena and knew she could trust her. She remembered Marlena always being there for her her whole life. She felt herself giving in slowly. She didn't want to end up doing this again. She was lucky to be alive. She knew that. As she debated whether or not to let them in, she thought of her parents. They loved her so much and she loved them just as much. She remembered how worried they had been lately and how desperate they seemed to want to help her.
As Alyssa looked at Marlena again, she knew that her mom and dad would want her to open up. First Marlena, then mom and dad. She thought to herself.
"Joline is the head cheerleader at school. She's always making fun of me. The whole school does. I have no friends and everybody is always laughing at me. They're all so mean, but Joline is worse. She laughs and makes fun of me just like they all do, but she's worse than the others. She hurts me so badly. Today though..." Alyssa broke down sobbing. Marlena stroked her chocolate brown hair, fighting back her own tears.
"What happened today Alyssa? What made today different?" She asked quietly. Alyssa sniffled and wiped her tears away.
"Joline told me...she said that...I...I'm failing every subject...I have no friends and nobody likes me. She told me that...the world wouldn't miss me if I was...gone." Alyssa started to cry. "Her voice was in my head tonight! It kept repeating itself over and over and over! I believed she was right, so I, I..."
"Don't talk about it Alyssa. Just listen to what I have to say." Marlena interrupted. Alyssa slowly nodded as she tried to stop her tears. Marlena reached out and gently held Alyssa's hand.
"Sweetie, Joline was wrong. What she said was just a big lie. Joline is just a cold-hearted person who finds some sick pleasure in other people's misery. It's an awful thing, but there are people like that. It doesn't mean they're right. The world wouldn't be better off without you. A lot of people would miss you terribly. Your mom, your dad, Shawn, Zac, Belle, Chloe and I would too. Your grandparents would miss you. All of Shawn's friends would miss you; Cassie, Rex, Phillip, and Mimi. They're your friends too. Alyssa, you are the light in so many people's hearts. You are so loved, no matter what anybody else says. Joline is the one who has the problem, not you. And you can be sure that something will be done about this. We will not let this pass." Marlena promised. Alyssa seemed to be taking it all in. She thought of everyone Marlena mentioned and as she thought of each person, a wonderful memory came to follow. Shawn. She remembered when she was six years old and a ten-year-old Shawn taught her how to ride a bike. Alyssa could still remember Shawn running to her and scooping her into her arms and spinning her.
"You did it Alyssa. You rode a bike!" He yelled out excitedly.
"I did it because of you Shawn." Alyssa had smiled at him brightly.
And Zac. Alyssa remembered the time she taught him his ABC's. Only two weeks ago. Little Zac was so determined to make his big sister proud, and he didn't fail. Alyssa was so proud of her little brother as he sang along with Alyssa perfectly. A quick learner.
Alyssa looked at Marlena again, her eyes nearly desperate. She couldn't stop thinking of her family.
"Is my...family here?" She asked quietly. She wanted to see them so badly. Remembering them, and realizing that she almost lost them forever made her long to see them.
"Of course they're here, honey. They came here right after the ambulance brought you here. They love you." Marlena replied. Alyssa swallowed.
"Can I see them?" She whispered. She was scared to see them, but she wanted to. She didn't know how they would react to her suicide attempt. Would they be angry? Would they be sad? Alyssa didn't want to see her family hurting all because of her, but she needed them. She needed to feel their arms around her and hear them say "I love you."
"Yes Alyssa, you can see them now. I am so proud of you for opening up, sweetie. Please let your family in. And if it's okay with you, I'd like to talk to you some more. Set up some appointments. Is that okay with you?" Marlena asked. Alyssa smiled. It was small, but it wasn't forced.
"I'd like that Marlena." Alyssa replied quietly. Marlena smiled at her and stood up.
"I'll go get your family." She said warmly and she left the hospital room, closing the door behind her. Alyssa let out a long sigh. She suddenly felt different inside. She felt as though a ton of bricks were lifted from her shoulders. She was surprised at how good she felt to let that all out of herself. Marlena was so nice about it. Will mom, dad and Shawn be the same? She thought as she leaned against her pillows. Will things ever be the same anymore? She suddenly heard the door handle turn. She turned her head quickly and when she saw her mom, her dad and Shawn enter the room, tears filled her eyes.