Lister took a screwdriver out of his tool kit, thinking that Rimmer was a more annoying supervisor now that he was dead than he had been alive. Currently, Rimmer was pacing back and forth in the Drive Room. Lister scooted on his back until his head was inside the conduit Holly wanted repaired.
"It looks pretty easy to fix," Lister said.
Rimmer stopped pacing. "You've never repaired that conduit before! How can it look easy to you?"
Lister looked at the wiring. "It just does."
"Well, at least if you electrocute yourself, it couldn't happen to a more deserving guy," Rimmer said.
"Smeg off," Lister retorted, putting the screwdriver back in the tool kit and pulling out a set of wire cutters.
"You're going to need a crane to stand upright again," Rimmer said.
Lister wasn't really listening. "Why? So it can peck out my eyes and you can have a laugh?"
"Not a bird, you brainless buffoon. I meant a large mechanical device designed to lift things that weigh several tons. Like you," Rimmer said.
Lister smiled to himself. "Well, I don't care, cause you were wrong."
"About?" Rimmer asked.
"I didn't get breasts. There must be some other way men in that universe feed babies," Lister said.
Rimmer shook his head. "The cats might've used all the formula on board. Have you thought about what you'll feed the boys if that happens?"
Lister clipped a wire in half. "Two minutes ago, you wanted me to electrocute myself. Why are you so interested in the boys?"
Rimmer always got a little different when he spoke about the boys—almost glowy, as if they were his kids instead of Lister's. "Because they're new people who aren't lost causes yet. They're unmolded. They can still be formed."
Lister clipped another wire. "You make them sound like Jell-O."
"I'm just saying, you're hopeless, but your sons could still turn out to be worthwhile human beings. Providing they have the right education and upbringing," Rimmer said.
Lister peeked out of the conduit. "Are you gonna fight me for custody?"
"Don't be stupid," Rimmer said. "I'll simply serve as an alternative influence to undo the worst of the damage you've done them."
"I'm not going to damage them," Lister said, getting back to his work.
"Lister, you could damage them by breathing on them. That's why it's important that I'm around," Rimmer said.
"No, it's important because I'm gonna be the fun parent," Lister said. "You're gonna be the one who makes them do their homework and teaches them all those useless words you've built your life around."
"Which words are those? The ones you can't spell?" Rimmer said.
"No," Lister said. "Words like 'responsibility' and 'conscientiousness'…and 'weaseling out.'"
"Weaseling out? I have never weaseled out of anything!" Rimmer said.
Lister was always amazed that Rimmer could tell such obvious lies with a straight face. "Give me a break, Rimmer. There isn't a second of any day you don't weasel. If there were a club called Universal Weasels, you'd be the president and all the other officers. I'm surprised you haven't grown out your front teeth and sprouted some fur so you could be more like your heroes."
Rimmer made an annoyed semi-laughing sound. "Well, I see we're a whirlwind of amusement today, aren't we, Lister? I honestly don't see how you can contain all that hilarity within the confines of this ship when you should be sharing it with other people. I, for one, am willing to drop you off at the nearest inhabited planet so that others can be introduced to the glory that is your sense of humor."
Lister connected two of the wires, glancing out of the conduit. Then he noticed that Rimmer's toes were suddenly disappearing.
Rimmer noticed too. "Lister? What are you doing?"
Lister figured he might as well explain. "There's a loose connection here. I'm just gonna reconnect a few of the wires and…"
"Don't do anything more," Rimmer said.
"Why? Have you suddenly turned into an expert on this conduit?" Lister asked.
"What's happening, then?" Holly asked.
Rimmer sounded panicky. "Holly, where did the ends of my feet go?"
"I dunno. Where did you leave them last?" Holly asked.
When Lister peeked at Rimmer again, Rimmer's feet were completely gone, and he appeared to be standing on his ankles.
"Lister, stop what you're doing this instant!" Rimmer snapped.
Lister only had two more wires to reconnect. "I've almost got it."
"Hey, something funny's going on," Holly said.
"You're only realizing that now?" Rimmer asked.
"No, but…something's different," Holly said.
"Other than the fact that I have no body below the knees?" Rimmer asked.
Lister looked at Rimmer. It was true; after Rimmer's knees came the floor.
"Yeah," Holly said. "Whatever Lister's doing is changing something about me too."
"Well, tell him to stop it!" Rimmer said.
"I can't. I don't know what it is yet," Holly said.
"I'll give you a hint. It's ME!" Rimmer said.
Lister reconnected the last two wires. "Looks like all I have left to do is flip the switch."
Rimmer sounded desperate. "No! Don't flip the switch!"
Lister did. Then he emerged from the conduit to find that both Rimmer and Holly had gone. He looked around the room, hoping that he hadn't done something to send them away for good. "Where did everybody go?"
Suddenly, Holly appeared in a sitting position in the center of the room. There was a shiny silver H on her forehead, and for the first time, she had a body. Lister stared openmouthed at the woman in front of him.
"Holly?" Lister asked.
Holly nodded. "I think so." She looked down at herself and apparently had no idea what to make of her body. "Help! I'm being attacked by snakes!" She flailed her arms around, trying to get them off.
"Those aren't snakes, Holly," Lister said. "Those are arms."
Holly looked confused. "But…I haven't got arms."
"You have now," Lister said.
Holly looked at her lower body. "Gordon Bennet…are these legs?"
"Yeah," Lister said, amused at Holly's confusion about her humanoid body.
"I've got legs too," Holly said, a note of wonder in her voice.
"Yeah, I noticed," Lister said.
Holly looked at Lister. "What happened? What did you do?"
"You're a hologram," Lister said, not sure exactly what he had done.
"If I'm a hologram, then who's flying the ship?" Holly asked.
"LISTER, GET ME THE SMEG OUT OF HERE!" Rimmer said.
Lister glanced at the viewscreen and saw Rimmer's very annoyed face. "Rimmer? What are you doing in there?"
"You put me in here, you stupid goit," Rimmer said.
Lister nodded. "Oh. What's it like?"
"Have you ever been in a library?" Rimmer asked.
Library…library… "I've seen one," Lister said.
"From the inside or outside?" Rimmer asked.
"Outside," Lister said.
Rimmer shook his head. "Let's start over. Do you know what a library is?"
"Well, it's got books in it, right?" Lister said.
"Good enough," Rimmer said. "The ship's computer is like an enormous library—except some of the books haven't been off the shelf in years. It's all dusty and…I think I just saw a mouse run across the back wall."
Holly looked slightly embarrassed. "I haven't had time to clean up."
Rimmer blanched in alarm. "Oh my God. A planet!"
Lister moved his head, trying to see out the window. "Where?"
"Don't worry. I've just steered us away from—there's another one!" Rimmer said.
"Did you steer us away from that?" Lister asked, wondering if it was a good idea to have Rimmer piloting the ship for very long.
"Yes. Everything's perfectly fine. Aah! A gas giant! I can't look!" Rimmer squinched his eyes shut.
"You can't drive if you can't see, Rimmer!" Lister shouted at him.
Rimmer opened his eyes. "All right. All right. I'm getting the hang of this, I think."
"Took me a couple thousand years to get in the groove," Holly said.
Rimmer shook his head. "This is incredible. There's so much to do at once."
"Can you do it all right?" Lister asked.
"Well, right now, yes, but I wouldn't want to spend my holidays in here," Rimmer said. "Look at all this information! If I had access to half of this on a regular basis, I'd be brilliant! You see, Lister, this is what I mean about improving yourself."
"You want to stay then?" Lister asked.
"Stay?" Rimmer said.
"In the computer," Lister said.
Rimmer looked horrified at the idea. "Are you crazy? No, I don't want to stay in here. You have no idea how unwieldy it is to have a body that's made of metal and is hundreds of miles long."
Lister grimaced. "That's way more than I need to know about your personal life, Rimmer."
"Ha ha. Look, get back under there and fish me out," Rimmer said.
"Hang on a minute. You're forgetting something," Holly said.
"What?" Rimmer asked.
Holly gestured tentatively with her new arms. "Me."
"What do you have to say about this?" Rimmer asked.
"I've never had a body before," Holly said.
"Well, you won't find many uses for that one. Trust me," Rimmer said.
"What are you thinking, Hol?" Lister asked.
"Just that I'd like to have a little time to enjoy being a hologram," Holly said.
"Enjoy. That's very funny," Rimmer said.
Lister glanced at Rimmer, a little puzzled. "Why?"
"Lister, you can't be serious," Rimmer said.
Lister didn't see why not. "Don't you think Holly deserves a vacation from all that work she normally does?"
Rimmer looked alarmed. "You're just going to leave me here?"
"It's not like I don't remember what I did, Rimmer. I can undo it anytime," Lister said.
"Get me out of here or I'll-I'll crash us into something!" Rimmer demanded.
Lister grinned. "No, you won't, because you'll feel it first."
Holly looked at Lister. "Does that mean you're going to let me stay a little?"
"Sure. Why not? A couple hours couldn't hurt," Lister said.
Holly stood up, looking at her feet. "What are those?"
"Your feet," Lister said.
Holly looked amazed. "I've got feet."
Rimmer made a disparaging noise in the back of his throat. "Well, I see she's just as intelligent outside the computer as she is inside it."
Holly glanced at Rimmer. "Speak for yourself. You've always had feet."