The Dreaded Fan girls of HP Doom!
"HARRYYYY!" Ron yelled loudly.
"What...Jeezzz..." Harry exclaimed sleepily.
Harry hated these days. These random days created by the eccentric mind of those damn fangirls. He had just had enough, he wanted a normal day...maybe even an angsty plot, but oh no. They just couldn't get enough of the "humour" section.
"Damn I hate J.R.R Tolkien." Harry muttered to himself.
"Don't you mean J.K Rowling?" Ron asked.
"Yeah, him too." Scowled Harry.
Ron decided against pointing out the gender error in Harry's sentence and decided to question him instead.
"But without J.K...we wouldn't exist. We wouldn't go to this great school...we'd probably be stuck in...gasp the MUGGLE world." Ron dramatically said.
"Yeah...but without FANGIRLS." Harry shouted, getting dressed.
"Come ON!" Ron yelled, dragging Harry to the door.
Harry sighed and accepted the uncontrollable whirlwind of a day, created by those damn fangirls. On entering the common room, they met Hermione, who had used a "Magical Hair Straightening Spell" on her hair, and they didn't recognise her, and continued onto the Great Hall, where they sat at the Gryffindor table, as usual. Hermione ran up and, panting, sat down beside them. Ron yelped in a very high pitched voice, and Harry jumped, then sighed.
"You guys didn't recognise me, how on EARTH will you repay me?" Hermione said, before letting out a small "Hrmph", and crossing her arms immaturely.
"I KNOW!" Ron yelled, dragging Harry out of the room.
"Will you STOP doing that?" Harry said, whilst being dragged.
"Sorry." Ron yelled back. "Hey...why are we yelling?"
They ran down to the kitchens.
"Why are we going to the kitchens? sigh Just when I thought this was going to be a relatively normal day."
"Right" Ron said, tickling the pear. "We're in the kitchen...Why?"
But soon, all became apparent, as Harry (taking a sudden dominant role) dragged Ron to the centre of the kitchen, and stood on the table.
"House elves, listen up! As you all know (and probably hate)...you are LOVED by our friend Hermione!"
The news brought a mixed reaction of cheers, shudders, groans and vomiting from the elves.
"And...erm...we're here to help you out, whoo! So, come on Ron, don that chef's hat, tie that apron and get a-cookin', good lookin!" Harry grinned, grabbing the apron off the nearest house elf, causing it to yelp, blush and jump into an unused pot. Harry and Ron positioned themselves at cookers and got cooking. Literally. Ron looked over as a glint caught his eye.
"My, Harry, that's a gorgeous diamond ring you have there!" He exclaimed, eyes popping.
"Yeah, it is. Aunt Petula gave it to me after the divorce. It was her engagement ring..." He smiled, then suddenly blushed. "It...it brings happy memories...a reminder that that marriage is over, and that I'm living with Mariah Carey now, in a small flat in Orkney."
"Woah. I've heard some strange things...like you sleeping with Malfoy...me fancying you...threesomes with teachers...Ginny and Hermione...twincest...but I've never, in my life, heard of anything to do with Mariah Carey. Woah." Ron exclaimed, going back to his Pepperoni soup.
Harry just smiled and hummed to himself, stirring his salad.
Three hours later, Lunchtime, they stopped and smiled at each other, cheezy supermarket music playing in the background.
"Turn that off!" Dobby yelled.
"Thank you." Ron said. "Now, we shall be leaving. I have the strangest urge to go up to the Great Hall and solve a horrifyingly embarrassing mystery!"
"Lets GO GO POWER RANGERS!" Harry yelled, thrusting his fist into the air.
Completely ignoring the reference to the cartoon that killed his grandmother's budgie, Ron gasped in shock at something else.
"Harry...where's your ring?"
-
Meanwhile, in the Great Hall, Hermione was swooning over Neville, who was telling the story of the first time Trevor the toad got lost.
"...And then, I just overturned the flowerpot...and he was there!" Neville sniffed, wiping a tear from his eye.
"Oh, Neville, that's so GREAT!" Hermione squealed, grabbing a muffin from Neville's plate.
She smiled, and bit into the muffin. Squealing annoyingly again, she spat it out and screwed up her face, and caught sight of a glimmer in the spongy, baked goodness.
"Oh my gosh, Neville!" She squealed, under deathly glares from the rest of the hall.
Just at that moment, Harry and Ron burst in.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" One of them said. (It doesn't matter which, it's there for dramatic effect.)
Neville was lost completely in confusion, and simply scratched his head and screwed up his face.
"Oh, Neville, why, YES I'll marry you!" She squealed, putting on the ring. "My, it IS beautiful!" She squealed once more. One of the Slytherin girls made a move to get out of her seat, but regained herself in the nick of time and sat back down, opting to a chocolate biscuit instead.
"Hermione, NO!" Harry yelled, diving at her hand.
"Get off, Harry. This is a symbol of the secret love Neville has held for me since first year, isn't it darling?"
But Neville was still in his confused state.
"No, Hermione, you don't understand, it's my ring...we were in the kitchens and..." Harry started.
"YOUR Ring?" Neville suddenly burst into life.
"Uh, yeah..."
"Well." Neville piped up brightly, "The ring WAS on my plate. I SEE WHAT HAPPENED HERE!" He exclaimed, with some joy.
"Urm..." Harry said.
"Hermione, dear, I fear, you are the one that is wrong." Neville said quite intelligently, puffing on his cigar and lowering his reading glasses. "I believe the ring is actually the symbol of old Harry here's secret love for ME since first year, aint that right Harry old boy?" Neville said, placing the ring on his own finger. (Which he could do easily, since Hermione was in a state of shock and Neville's fingers had slimmed somewhat since last Tuesday, for some unknown reason.)
"Neville, I really think..." Harry said, as Neville linked his arm and proceeded to march to Dumbledore. Harry completely blacked out. He was in such a state of shock, he couldn't remember a thing. It wasn't until he realised the author had made such a terrible reference to Chicago, that he snapped his eyes open just as Neville was asking Dumbledore to marry them.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ron yelled, scrambling up to Dumbledore.
"Harry...!" He panted. "I...I..." But he couldn't find the words. He took Harry in his arms, and held him close, staring into his eyes, with a look Harry had never seen him give to anyone before, except his girlfriend, who was looking utterly confused at this precise moment in time.
But there were no words for it. Ron smiled, and licked his lips slightly, and looked at Harry's lips. Harry's heart skipped a beat, as Ron's face moved slowly towards his. 'This is it', he thought. 'Ron's going to kiss me, in front of the whole school...and that's the slashiness over if this is only a PG-13, and I can go back to bed.'
But, something happened that Harry did not quite expect. Ron's lips moved, past his lips, and towards Harry's ear. 'Well, whatever turns you on, fangirls', he thought, waiting for Ron's mouth to hit his ear. But, instead, he felt Ron whisper.
"I've someone who wants to meet you, and be this close to you." He said softly.
Harry gulped as he felt something against his hip that wasn't his own.
"Oh, sorry about that, just my potions book in my robe." Ron said, re-adjusting the bulge.
Harry, and everyone else in the entire hall, was extremely confused. Neville, infact, was so confused that he had fallen to the floor, giggling helplessly, and belting out a very out of key version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", and his girlfriend had stormed out.
"Well?" Ron said "Would you like to meet him?"
Harry began to panic. What if this was another NC-17. He wasn't ready for this again. Not so soon, not after that incident with the turtle...or that one with the goat and...it was just too painful to think about. Literally.
Ron beamed, and moved to the side, lying provocatively across the staff table, smiling at his audience.
"Ladies and Gentlepeoples...I give you...Draco Malfoy..."
"Oh, god, not again..." Harry thought as Draco Stepped out, and hugged Harry tightly.
"Well, stranger things have happened..." Harry said, hugging him back, desperate to predict where this insane fangirl's mind was going.
"Harry, let me introduce you to someone..." Draco breathed.
"Oh, god, not again, PLEASE JUST STOP THIS STUPIDITY!" Harry sighed.
Draco whispered in Harry's ear, which made Harry blush.
"That's not my potion's book..."
fin.