Tell her, chapter 3: Troubled
By Gasha Aisu
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam wing, nor do I own a spelling program...
He was running, running away from it al. Branches scratched him but he didn't care. He didn't feel. He didn't feel anything except one feeling he had never felt before.
Panic.
Heero Yuy was known about his calm posture, his neutral face, and clear head even in the midst of battle. And here he was, running away like a damn coward.
Take a good look, this is the coward who saved earth.
The same damn coward that made her cry, the bastard that deserved to die. He tripped over something, he couldn't see what, it was too dark. But then again, it's supposed to be dark at three in the morning.
He was running, he was running for several weeks now. Every morning he would wake up from horrifying dreams, distressed. And he had no one to turn to, no one who could comfort him. No one he would let close enough. There were a few who would, but he wouldn't let them. So instead, the mighty Heero Yuy, Gundam pilot 01, ran. He ran like a damn coward.
He grimaced as he hit the solid ground beneath him. The fallen leaves did nothing to prevent his hurtful fall. Heero could fall from a building without a scratch. If he had a clear mind. But not this morning, when he was panicking.
Ice cold eyes stared at him. LEAVE ME ALONE. They grabbed him....
"No... no... Leave me alone" he panted and got up again.
Half-tripping he ran, blindly, only his arms prevented the branches from hitting his face. His arms were covered in scratches by now, since the only thing he had on were his boxers and jeans. The only clothes Heero managed to get on in his panic. It had always been for him this way. If he hadn't got missions to focus on, he would be in a state of almost panic every time he woke up. The only time he had slept peacefully was when he was hit unconscious or when he slept in her arms.
Relena...
Heero's normally neutral face was clearly distressed. Blood and slaughter haunted his dreams, and chased him now. He vaguely noted that he was almost hyperventilating in his state of panic. He didn't notice that he was on bare feet and that small wounds were beginning to form from the run. He didn't care, he needed to get away.
Get away from all that lied behind him. Get away for all the reasons that stopped him from ending his and Relena's suffering. Get away from himself, from the demons that haunted him as a child, the demons only he could destroy. Away from the hurt, pain, and suffering.
Heero Yuy never knew fear, he had always been the one who was feared. But the emotions he was feeling right now were both fear and panic. He closed his eyes but opened them almost immediately, for he saw her eyes. Relena's eyes full of pain, and sadness he had caused.
Forgive me Relena, I don't think I'll ever be able to love you in the open. For in the shadows is where a scum like me belongs. I don't think I'll ever be able to stand up to my fears...
He yelled in fright as he stumbled into an open clearing. The same open clearing he hadn't been able to reach before, because he passed out before it. The last time he had seen it, lying just a few inches away. And now he found himself standing in it. Head low, his hands in fist besides him. Without making any sound, the young hero fell again. He looked at the stars before closing his eyes and surrendering to the darkness inside him.
I'm sorry Relena...
He didn't... didn't deserve her. He decided as he licked his lips nervously. He was pacing around in the room he had awoken in. He was pacing around like a caged tiger, ready to strike if necessary, senses alert. He knew something was up. Just like he had in the office. He didn't think he was kidnapped, but he was found however. And he had a feeling his friends weren't going to let him go anytime soon. He had a feeling they were getting her. And he didn't want to be here when she came. It was hard enough as it was, without her in the room. The run had made him edgy, nervous. And it made it hard to slip back in perfect soldier mode.
His emotions have been harder to control now peace was attained. He was free to do as he wished, and he wished to be with her more then anything. But, well, he had his reasons not to. And so he was nervous. Because it was getting harder and harder to stay away from her, and being in the same room with her didn't help. Especially now. He ran a hand through his hair, something he always did when he was frustrated. He clenched his fist, something was wrong. He managed to run further this time, they found him this time. A sign that he had been longer out of it then he normally was. And he couldn't get back in his perfect soldier mode. Well, he always was the perfect soldier. But sometimes he let it wash over him, like an unseen force giving him strength and he would be whole again. The perfect soldier.
Somehow he couldn't get himself to accept who he was, what he had been made, the perfect soldier. He didn't know why, but that little voice that told him to follow his emotions. That little voice that always insisted that he was human, that part in him that hadn't died yet, was stronger then ever. It had almost died in the war, but it was back. And it fought the perfect soldier. He ran his hand through his hand again and glanced at the security camera. Somehow he knew, his 'family' was behind it. Meaning the rest of the Gundam pilots and some of the girls. They were watching him, and they looked him into this room. He smirked. Duo must have convinced them to. He pulled himself together and forced himself to sit on the bed. He closed his eyes and tried again. He became aware of everything in the room, he could practically feel were everything was. He exhaled and this time it worked. He shivered as he felt the cold of the darkness in him complete him. He was, once again, whole. He knew who he was. He was the perfect soldier. And perfect soldiers were meant to be alone. He opened his eyes, they were cold, uncaring. His frustrated face slipped back into a neutral one. Yes, he could function again. Now, how to get of this room?
No window, one door which was locked. A closet with nothing in it. He was just in his jeans with nothing in his pockets. His wounds had been cleaned, and some stitched, so he should be able to function properly. And a security camera which was watching his every move. Although hidden, Heero knew exactly were it was. Without thinking he looked straight into the camera and smirked. As if they were going to keep him there....
Slowly he stood up and walked to it, he grabbed the camera and smashed it. Now, he had only a few minutes before they would come bursting in here and it was enough. He grabbed a piece of the smashed camera and fiddled with the lock. The door opened. And he stood, a new plan forcing it's way into his mind. He left the door as it was and walked to the closet. It could hold him. He opened it and hid in it. Now for the wait...
He didn't have to wait long before Duo, Trowa and Quatre came storming in. Duo looked around frowning, his usual smile forgotten. Quatre sighed, and shook his head. Trowa however looked straight at him. Heero smirked, he always had a understanding with the silent pilot. He made a move to get out, but Trowa's subtle shake of his head stopped him. Heero frowned, but decided to stay put.
"I don't think he's still in here you guys, and I don't feel like running after him" Quatre spoke up, looking at Duo. Duo shrugged.
"I know you guys didn't agree (Heero smirked, he was always right wasn't he?) but I'm kind of worried for the guy. I mean the state we found him in. I was hoping the princess would get something out of him"
Quatre shook his head, somehow disappointed. And Trowa made his way out of the room. Duo and Quatre followed.
Frowning Heero got out of the closet and made his way to the door. Grabbing the handle he did nothing to open the door. He stood there, somehow hesitating. He was letting his friends down... and they didn't know why. Maybe he should stop and explain.
An iron hand reached out to grab him, cold eyes stared at him. He was helpless.
Heero closed his eyes and his grip on the handle tightened. He took a shuttering breath and tried to get the horrifying images out of his head. It didn't work.
He was helpless as they could do anything they wanted with him. And they did. Pain seared through him, just like disgust and hate. The pain was becoming unbearable.
Without thinking Heero opened the door, and his eyes, and ran out. He completely ignored the other pilots waiting outside. So they had another camera, he didn't care. He ran past them. He had to get away... He had to get away....
Cold eyes, and a cold hand. That was what greeted him every night.
Heero's eyes suddenly became filled with hurt, pain and other emotions. Perfect soldier was incomplete again.
He had no one to turn to. No one to hold him.
Heero didn't utter a sound as he ran into another Preventor, he quickly got up and resumed running. He needed to get away, the clearing. He needed to get to the clearing.
Relena...
No, he would not let this stupid emotions get to him, he had to get away. He had to stay perfect, it was the only thing that had kept him alive for so long. The only thing he could rely on.
Cold, alone, fear. He had no one but himself.
Suddenly he saw her. In the middle of the hall. No one was there but him and Relena. Her eyes were filled with surprise, before it was replaced by worry.
He could trust no one.
"Heero?"
Funny, how she always had a way to get to him. His running stopped as he slowly walked to her.
And he was alone.
"What's wrong Heero?"
No one would hold him, he just had to live with that.
She reached out her hand and cupped his cheek. Funny, he didn't realise they were this close.
Alone...
She smiled at him and he held her eyes. Somehow he couldn't help but lean in to her touch.
Alone... he was to disgusting to hold. Not that he would let anyone.
He was calm now, she always had that effect on him. God, he loved her.
Alone...
She dropped her hand from his cheek and stepped closer. For the first time, he didn't step away.
"Do you want me to hold you, Heero?"
To survive he must trust no one but himself.
"Relena..."
Confusion was never an issue, unless it involved emotions.
Somehow she took it as a yes. Without speaking she slipped her arms around his waist. He tensed.
"Relax, Heero" she whispered.
And he did. Slowly he relaxed into her touch. His troubled mind slowly calming down. He buried his head in her neck. Inhaling her smell he relaxed even more. Relena hold him, stroking his back soothingly. Her eyes closed.
Closing your eyes in another ones presence, is a sign of trust. He never closed his eyes unless it was to blink.
He closed his eyes as well.
The rest of the pilots found him like that. Relaxed in Relena's hold. They nodded to her, and made sure no one would interfere.
Heero never felt this peaceful.
To be continued... or not...
What do you think?
You like it?
Until next time!
Gasha Aisu