TWO-FACED-

"Well, well," Agamemnon's honey-sweet voice oozed. "What are you doing here at this time of night, Hector, my good friend?"

There really would be no point in lying now since Agamemnon probably knew about everything. However, to simply admit that they had stolen Helen would be the same as committing suicide. They would have to be subtle, and tread carefully on the delicate grounds on which they now stood.

"That was the same question I was going to ask you," Hector spoke slowly, buying time and trying to desperately send mind waves to Paris to act subtle.

Paris, however, did not seem to have the telekinetic gift.

"I came here for Helen," he shouted and stepping forward like a brave and foolish knight would do to rescue the damsel in distress.

Hector wanted to throttle him.

"What he means is that once we heard that Helen was missing again," Hector corrected quickly, throwing Paris a cautioning glare. "We decided to help Menelaus look for her."

And seeing Paris open his big, fat mouth again, Hector clapped a hand over Paris's face and pushed his brother behind himself.

"Really?" Agamemnon asked, wrinkling his forehead and giving the impression of a thinking pig.

"So why did you come here?" Agamemnon questioned, using the voice of a concerned parent.

Hector fumbled for an answer.

"I...I, I discovered that he stole your wife!" Hector exclaimed, hoping that his pathetic inspiration would work. He waved his hand at Achilles who now looked amused.

"In fact," Hector said, pulling out his cellphone. "I'm going to call Menelaus and tell him about this wife-snatcher right now since who knows whose wife he'll steal next? My wife or maybe even yours."

Under his breath, Achilles muttered, "Don't bother, Trojan. The day I go within ten feet of Agamemnon's shrew is the day I turn ugly."

Agamemnon narrowed his eyes and pulled out his own cellphone. His thick, sausage resembling fingers scrambled to dial.

And somewhere, a phone began to ring.

MENELAUS'S ESTATE

Menelaus was sitting at his desk, pouring over a phone book and considering hiring a private detective to track down Helen. 'Who knows what has happened to her?' he thought in fear. 'She doesn't even have her credit card with her!'

Just then, his cellphone rang and began playing the Beatles' 'Yesterday.' Menelaus closed his eyes and remembered how he had sung it at Helen's and his wedding. His imitation had been so good that Helen had burst into tears and ran from the room so the guests wouldn't have to see her mascara running down her face. She had loved that song so much that she had given away their Beatles cd so the world could have the joy she felt.

Sighing and savoring the nostalgia, Menelaus picked up the phone.

Two screaming voices hit his ears at once.

"Achilles stole her!"

"Paris stole her!"

It was Agamemnon and Hector and they were both babbling on about some kidnapped woman.

"Who are you talking about?" Menelaus asked blankly.

"Helen!" the two men roared back.

Menelaus held the phone a good few inches away from his ear and said,

"Hold on! Now Hector, what did you say about Helen?"

"No fair," Agamemnon's spoiled-brat voice whined. "Why does he get to go first?"

"This world isn't fair, brother," Menelaus explained wisely. "My wife runs away and Hector's doesn't. Is that fair? I mean, how better of a husband could he be?"

Hector wanted to retort, 'How dare you insult my skill as a good husband?' but decided against it.

Hector began making up his defense, telling about how much of a playboy Achilles was and how the man lusted after every woman he saw.

"Now you're describing Agamemnon," Achilles muttered dryly.

Ignoring him, Hector continued and told Menelaus how he had seen Achilles on a train with a struggling Helen.

"I even have a witness," Hector declared triumphantly, tossing Agamemnon a look that clearly said loser.

"Other than Paris?"

"Other than Paris," Hector assured him and mouthed for Paris to get Briseis.

Briseis appeared soon and grabbed for her chance at revenge.

"Oh yes, I saw him," Briseis confirmed. "He was holding your wife very tightly and his hands weren't being very gentle. When she started protesting and ranting about how you would kill him, he kissed her on the mouth."

Hector grabbed the phone from her, muttering,

"Enough with the graphic details."

Behind them, Achilles had had enough. He was not going to wait here for Agamemnon to sacrifice him. Scanning the area, Achilles considered a victim and as he heard that sweet, true voice say, "he kissed her on the mouth," Achilles knew just which one to take.