A/N: Ahh, femmeslash. Something that I have yet to touch in the Degrassi fandom, and something that I have not written in quite a long time (the last thing was Tenchi Muyo! shoujo-ai, suprisingly enough). Anyway, we'll see if I'm any good at it, huh?
Title comes from a song by Project Weiss - I just happen to have translated it into English as opposed to leaving it in Japanese.
Bottom of the Sky
By Cradlerobber Speedo-kun
Boys and attention. If one really looked at it, they'd think in the end that that was just it - boys and attention. And, yes, this was part of it. But it really wasn't the entire story, not by far.
Emma and Manny. Best friends, tell each other everything, discuss their most secret dreams together, got crushes on the same guys so often, maybe even just so they could both gush about the same guy. They shared everything. Absolutely everything. Emma and Manny. They were a unit, always appeared in context together.
Well, not quite. Manny was only mentioned in conjunction with Emma, yet Emma… Emma could be mentioned by herself. She was Miss Environment, Miss Speak Her Mind, Miss Moral Crusade. And Manny? Manny was Emma's Best Friend.
Yes, I was Emma's Best Friend. And so that was part of it. It does eventually get tiring to live in another's shadow, you know. For so long I was just basking in her sunshine, not even realizing that I was just lurking behind her in her shadow. It sure seemed too warm and sunny to actually be a shadow. But then, seemingly one day, I woke up and realized how dim it had grown, how chilly it was.
But none of that is all too shocking. Anyone can figure that out just by having known us. Knowing that I was Manny, and that she was Emma. Emma, Emma, Emma, with all her titles and outspokenness; me, Manny, happily tagging along and smiling for her friend's efforts and accomplishments. I was Emma's little sidekick.
Maybe it should've been clear to at least someone. It was obvious that I would've let Emma use me for anything if the situation had arisen. Lie down, Manny, I don't want the dirt to feel lonely; help me pick up trash, Manny, the school looks so dirty; jump this high, Manny, I just want you to. So maybe someone should've noticed. Maybe someone did notice, and just never said anything. Maybe someone noticed and just really didn't care.
But in the end, I cared too much for Emma. When you get to the point where you'd throw yourself in front of a moving train for someone, generally it means you like them too much. With Craig, I knew I would never have done something solely because he said to. So that was safe. With Emma it wasn't safe by the end of it. I had to get away, get out, or just distract myself even.
I vaguely liked Sully. A throwaway comment to Paige, and an idea was formed. I'd be hot. If I was hot, the guys would be after me. If the guys were after me, I wouldn't have time to think of Emma, I'd just be thinking of all these guys all the time, thinking of which ones I liked best, which ones were hottest, which ones were nicest.
But Emma protested. She thought I was being slutty. I was pissed, even if she was a bit right. How could she? How could she say stuff like that to me, how could she be so disapproving when I had for so long done everything she asked and listened to her every word? How dare she be such a bitch to me, me, her best friend!
I hated her, and it was easy. So easy as to seem too simple. I saw her walking by with J.T. when I was on a date with Sully once. She was pissed, and J.T. was crestfallen. It could've been a love triangle in some people's eyes. J.T. wanting me, Emma wanting J.T, me ignoring both. No, it really would've been more accurate as me wanting Emma, and J.T. wanting me, and Emma just… not wanting either. But at the moment I hated her, so it didn't really matter either way.
But in some ways we still operated as friends. The real split didn't really happen until she found me and Craig on her bed together. I guess she had a right to be upset. And I think I may've done that just to get her to back off of me more. Not consciously, exactly, more like subconsciously, because I knew she would be really upset with my behavior. So we had our little spat in the hallway, and went our separate ways.
Craig didn't want me getting an abortion. Emma disapproved, despite her whole feminism spiel when her last name was put down as 'Simpson' on the attendance sheets. But when Craig expressed his opinion on the matter, she came to my defense anyway. It's hard to hate someone when they defend you even when you're going against their principles. Even when I heard Mr. Simpson had leukemia, I had still been able to dislike her. But I couldn't now.
I was sucked back in like that. I even wanted to crawl back into her shadow. I wanted to hold her close to me and apologize for everything, ask her to take me back, beg to be best friends again, just like before. We could forget Craig and everything to do with him, I could start dressing like I used to, I could be Emma's Best Friend again.
But by then it was too late. I couldn't do any of that, I couldn't even hold her and apologize. Too much pride and too many things had happened. It had been my fault it all ended up like that, but I wanted the old times back. I had killed the old times, and I still wanted them back.
And now, since then, I've stolen another boyfriend, she's sucked some guy's dick, I've had my abortion, she's started smoking, there's been a school shooting, and our world's stretch so far apart from each other. And I've even shoved them further apart.
I saw her in the park. I went up to her, and sat down. I wondered why she was out, just sitting there. It's still early in the spring, and it was dusk, so it was a bit chilly. And she was just sitting there, sucking down a cigarette. She didn't say anything when I sat down, but neither did I.
She finally spoke, five minutes later, and asked me why I was there, why I was sitting next to Little Miss Breakdown. I didn't answer. She remarked that she thought I hated the smell of cigarettes, given how pissed I got when I heard Spinner had tried to smoking, of how I told him it smelled bad and I would never kiss him again if he picked up the habit. I sighed, "Because you're my friend."
"Oh, really? After everything?" She asked, eyebrow raised, not looking at me, her voice sounding bitter and incredulous.
"Yeah. Everything. Every piece of shit we've both done."
I snatched the cigarette from her hand just as she was bringing it back to her mouth, and I flung it on the cracked asphalt in front of the bench. She turned to face me, ready to shriek at me for doing such a thing, and I grabbed her chin and kissed her.
It didn't last long. I broke it off, she didn't even need to. I stood up and sighed, not waiting for her to finally be able to articulate a response. I walked a few steps away before sighing again, and letting my eyelids fall shut.
"Yep, through everything."