Disclaimer for my sanity:
This story was written in 1999, so don't be too harsh on me :P
If this isn't the right format for a story, go ahead and take it down. I've seen other works in this format on this website and they're great, but if there's a problem with it by all means remove it.
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I highly recommend reading my other fic called "The Senshi Play The Newlywed Game" before reading this one. Many jokes refer back to what happened in that one, and you won't get them if you haven't read it. Have fun!
-Samantha
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Samantha Senshi Return to The Newlywed Game
ANNOUNCER: Live from Hollywood, it's The Newlywed Game!… We have the return of two memorable couples today who have decided to get hitched.
(Once again, Usagi and Mamoru are making out in their seats)
ANNOUNCER: Chiba Usagi and Mamoru tied the knot one month ago.
(Michiru is laying with her head in Haruka's lap)
ANNOUNCER: Our second couple exchanged rings two weeks ago, Tenoh Michiru and Haruka.
(Camera shows an empty third seat)
ANNOUNCER: And twosome number three said their vows six months ago, Rei and… uh, where's couple number three?
(From backstage, Rei runs out pulling Yuuichirou by the tie around his neck. They both fall down, out of breath)
REI: Sorry… (gasp…) Did we make it on time?
USAGI: You just missed your introduction, Rei-chan… Aahh! Mamo-chan, that's enough. The show's about to start.
ANNOUNCER (In a weak voice): I seriously need a new job… Here's the star, Bob Eubanks.
(Audience cheers)
BOB: Konnichi- I mean hello everybody. I'm Bob Eubanks and I'm glad everyone could join us today. Yokatta- er, I'm glad to see four of our most memorable contestants back for a chance at their first honeymoon. How did that Caribbean trip go by the way you two?
MICHIRU: We never went.
BOB: Nani- what?
MICHIRU: We gave the tickets to Usagi and Mamoru.
BOB: Why?
HARUKA: It was all Monique's fault!
MICHIRU: No, it was YOUR fault for not telling me first. And you'd better watch what you say on this show. It'll get you in trouble again.
HARUKA: Oooh, that's a good thing on my part if it means repeating what we did after the show last time…
(Michiru elbows Haruka in the stomach)
HARUKA: Itai!
MICHIRU: Don't even think about it, ecchi.
USAGI: Well, we had a great time!
BOB: That reminds me… Remembering what happened last time, separate those two. Now!
(Michiru and Haruka switch places with Rei and Yuuichirou, so now Mamoru and Haruka are on opposite sides of the stage)
BOB: There. I feel much safer now. We've wasted enough time. Now, if the ladies will please step offstage to the soundproof booths, we'll ask the husbands the first three questions.
(Usagi, Rei and Michiru walk offstage)
BOB: Now for the first question. Are you all ready? Good. Mamoru, would your wife say your greatest assets are mental, physical or financial?
MAMORU: Gotta be physical, Bob.
BOB: Great. Yuuichirou?
YUUICHIROU: Well, I don't have many good assets in the first place, so I guess finance.
BOB: Okay. Haruka?
HARUKA: It can't be mental, and although we're filthy rich, I know she'd choose my body over money.
BOB: That's a fine answer. Next, Yuuichirou, how long would your wife say she needs to be "warmed up" before she's ready to go "full speed ahead"?
YUUICHIROU: Um… probably about ten or fifteen minutes.
BOB: Well, which one?
YUUICHIROU: Fifteen. She needs a lot of persuasion before she does anything with me. BOB: Really? Well, I'm sorry. Haruka?
HARUKA: I'd say about five minutes.
BOB: Great. Mamoru, how long does Usagi need to be warmed up?
MAMORU: Hmm… let me think about this…
HARUKA: Yes, Mamoru, think hard. Awaiting Usagi-chan fans wanna know.
MAMORU: Quiet you! I'd say, well, she's already ready. No time.
BOB: No time at all, huh? She's ready to go. Great. Next question.
(Bob holds up a whipped cream pie)
BOB: Guys, if I were to offer your wife fifty dollars to put this cream pie in your face, do you think she'd go for it, and humiliate you on national television, or would she politely decline? Haruka?
HARUKA: Oh, she'd go for it alright!
BOB: Mamoru and Yuuichirou?
MAMORU: No. She'd 'politely decline.'
YUUICHIROU: There's no way Rei would say no.
BOB: Thank you and we'll be back after these messages.
(CM)
BOB: Now it's time for some fun. The ladies have returned for their first chance for points. Now, Usagi, would you say Mamoru's greatest assets are financial, mental, or physical?
USAGI: Um… physical!
BOB: That's a match! Rei?
REI: Not like he has any good assets in any of those departments, but, uh, maybe, I dunno. Financial?
BOB: You took a chance and it's right!
REI: Yippee!
BOB: Michiru?
MICHIRU: We're practically millionaires, so financial.
BOB: What's wrong, Michiru? Don't you like her body?
MICHIRU: Oh, I love her body!
HARUKA: And that's why I said physical, Michi.
MICHIRU: Oops. Gomen.
BOB: Okay ladies. How long did your husband say you need to be "warmed up" before you're ready to go "full speed ahead"? Rei?
REI: Oh geez! Probably half an hour.
BOB: Well, that's not exactly fifteen minutes… Uh, Michiru?
MICHIRU: I'd say about five minutes.
BOB: That's right! Usagi?
USAGI: It doesn't take me any time to go full blast!
BOB: That's right. Now question number three. Ladies, pick up the pie in front of you on the floor please. I have three new, crisp fifty dollar bills here. If I were to give you each fifty dollars to put that cream pie in your lover's face, would you go for it, and humiliate him on television, or just politely decline? Michiru?
MICHIRU Giggling: I'd do it!
BOB: Really? Then go ahead.
MICHIRU: Seriously! Haha!
(Michiru slowly pushes the pie into Haruka's face)
BOB: Well, it's a match. Usagi, what's your decision?
USAGI: Hehe, I'm doin' it!
(Usagi plops the pie on top of Mamoru's head, so the cream drips all over him)
MAMORU: Gee, thanks, honey.
BOB: And he predicted you wouldn't do it.
USAGI: What! Are you kidding!
BOB: Well, there's no question Rei and Yuuichirou are getting five points here!
(Rei smacks the pie, full force, into Yuuuichirou's face. Pie flies everywhere)
REI (Licking the pie off her fingers): No question about it.
BOB (Laughing): I love this job. We'll return after these messages.
(CM)
BOB: Welcome back. The guys are backstage in our soundproof booths while we have some fun with the girls. Are you three ready?
USAGI, MICHIRU, REI: Hai!
BOB: Good. First question. Ladies, if sex were a circus, would your husband be ringmaster, lion tamer, or a clown? Usagi?
USAGI: Definitely ringmaster!
BOB: Really? Rei?
REI: I'm gonna haf'ta say a clown.
BOB: My goodness! Why?
REI: I dunno. I guess it just explains why I need to be warmed up for half an hour.
BOB: Oh, I see… Michiru?
MICHIRU: Lion tamer, Bob. She always has to calm me down before she can take control.
BOB: … Really. Okay… Next question. Ladies, what is the one thing you could do to make him the happiest man on Earth? Rei?
REI: Move out of the temple and into our own apartment. Though I doubt that'll ever happen.
BOB: That's fine. Michiru?
MICHIRU: I'd also say get a house of our own.
BOB: Usagi?
USAGI: Get along with our future daughter, Chibi-Usa.
BOB: … Um, okay… Last question. Michiru, what would Haruka say is the most money you've ever spent on any one thing… to improve your sex life together?
MICHIRU: What the hell's with all the sex questions?
REI: We wanna know what REALLY goes between you two behind closed doors.
BOB: That's enough! Michiru?
MICHIRU Staring evilly at Rei: Um… I don't know… I think around 4500.
EVERYONE IN THE STUDIO: FOURTY-FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!
BOB: My God, Michiru! What the hell did you buy!
MICHIRU: I thought I could seduce her with a new hot tub, okay?
(Audience sighs in relief)
BOB: Oh, I see. sigh I was afraid I even asked for a sec there… Anyway, Usagi, what's the most you have ever spent?
USAGI: Fifty dollars on a cute little pink lingerie!
BOB: Rei?
REI: It seems the less clothes you buy the more it costs. 100.
BOB: Very good. Stay tuned.
(CM for a sale at Victoria's Secret)
BOB: Glad you're still with us on The Newlywed Game. This has been quite an interesting show today. So far, after the first round, everyone's tied for first place with two questions and a bonus to go. Are you all ready? Good. First question, Mamoru, if sex were a circus, would you be ringmaster, lion tamer, or a clown?
MAMORU: Definitely ringmaster!
BOB: That's exactly what Usagi said! Good job. Yuuichirou?
YUUICHIROU: Probably clown.
BOB: Sorry, but… yes. Correct. Haruka?
HARUKA: Gotta be ringmaster!
BOB: Um…
MICHIRU: Nani? Hahaha. You think you're that good? Ha!
HARUKA: Hey! Face it. I'm the best (and only) lover you've ever had.
MICHIRU: Hmm… Don't flatter yourself… You're just, pretty good.
HARUKA (Smiling slyly at Michiru): Really? That's not what you said last night!
(Michiru blushes bright red)
BOB: May we move on? Ariga- I mean, thank you. Yuuichirou, what is the one thing she could do to make you the happiest man on earth?
YUUICHIROU: Tell me our sex life doesn't suck.
REI: Sorry. Ain't gonna happen.
BOB: And she said that you'd want you two to move into your own home. Haruka, what would make you the happiest woman on Earth?
HARUKA: … Oral satisfaction?
(Audience reacts in the way you'd expect them to)
(Michiru and the others start hitting Haruka with pillows)
MICHIRU: Oh my God! I can't believe you said that! Oh my God!
MAMORU: Really, Haruka?
BOB: Hey! Don't encourage her anymore! I'm about ready to come over there and smack you over the head myself.
MICHIRU: I think you should, Bob. C'mon.
(Bob walks over and hits Haruka on the head with a pillow)
(The audience cheers)
BOB: Honestly! On my show!… Okay, what do you want, Mamoru? What'll make you happy?
MAMORU Still laughing: Um, she could learn to cook something edible.
USAGI: Hey!
BOB: OR she could get along with Chibi-Usa… Whoever that is.
MAMORU: That'd be real nice to.
BOB: And finally, the bonus question. Before I ask it, however, where will our winning couple be sent this time?… Um, they'll be enjoying their first honeymoon where?… Hey! Where's the announcer dude?
PRODUCER: Um, he went home sick.
BOB: Grrrr. All these years and I've never had this happen. Oh well. The winners will spend their summer vacation in beautiful Hawaii! I don't know anything else, but it'll be fantastic. Okay, last question for twenty-five points… Haruka, what is the most money Michiru has ever spent on any one thing, to improve your sex life together?
HARUKA: Well… she spent 250 on a lingerie once.
OTHERS IN THE STUDIO: MICHIRU!
MICHIRU: Nani? I told you we're millionaires.
BOB: I don't think we want to hear any more of this.
(Audience corrects Bob to his obvious mistake)
BOB: No way you bunch of perverts! Now, Mamoru, if you get this right, you and Usagi will win. But if you screw it up like last time, then Rei and Yuuichirou are taking a sea cruise to Hawaii.
MAMORU: Oh, this is easy!
USAGI: I knew it!
MAMORU: 100!
USAGI: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
BOB: Rei and Yuuichirou are today's big winners! Thank you everyone for joining us today. See you all later when three new couples find out just how much, or little, they know each other. Ja ne!
(Credits role)
USAGI: What did I buy that was so expensive, Mamo-chan?
MAMORU: That cute, sexy little pink lingerie.
USAGI: I only spent fifty on that!
MAMORU: But you told me that you saved your allowance for months to buy it.
USAGI: Ooops! I did, didn't I?
MAMORU: So you only think I'm worth 50!
USAGI: NO! You are worth more than that, I just didn't want you to have to wait.
MICHIRU: You are not telling me you forgot about the hot tub are you!
HARUKA: Iya! I just didn't know you bought it specifically for us.
MICHIRU: Nani? Who'd you think I bought it for?
HARUKA: I guess the four of us.
MICHIRU: What makes you think that?
HARUKA: Well, Setsuna was bathing in it just yesterday.
MICHIRU: NANI? I'm gonna KILL her!
REI: I'm so glad we won, Yuuichirou.
YUUICHIROU: Me too. I always wanted to go to Hawaii.
REI: Yeah… I'm gonna put on my bikini, lay out a towel, settle down with a Walkman, rub oil on myself and just wait for the hunks of the beach to come swarming to my side!
YUUICHIROU: Yeah… Hey, wait a minute!
BOB: AAAAHHHHHH! I did it again! Good bye!