There weren't any words to describe how Spike was feeling. None whatsoever. He reached blindly for his flask, and downed the last few precious swigs in one gulp. Once it was empty, he tossed it to the floor, and ran his hands roughly through his hair. He just stared at the diary, wondering if he was imagining what he's just read. He fingered the page delicately, wishing he'd had any inkling before Buffy had...
It was too late now, he thought, shaking his head. Against his will, but unable to stop himself, Spike realized he'd turned the page to another entry.
Dear Diary,
Mom is doing tons better. She actually went out on a date tonight, and for once it's nice not to worry about her every second of every minute of every day. Dawn and I got in our fair share of good-natured teasing, which was nice considering the cloud of doom that was hanging over our house before the surgery. That was the good part of tonight.
If Mom's going out tonight was one of the best things that could've happened today, then what happened to me was the worst. My hand's shaking so much I can barely write the words.
Spike told me he loved me.
I'm practically one step away from that dream a had a few weeks ago. I don't want this, I don't. Not at the expense of my mother's life.
Drucilla came back to town, intent on turning Spike into what he used to be before the chip. She would've succeeded, but Spike decided he had other plans. Plans that included tasering me with a cattle prod and chaining me up in the basement of his crypt. His plans didn't just include me, however. Dru was down there too, and Spike was actually going to stake her to prove his love for me. He was standing right there, not a foot in front of me, begging me for a crumb, a crumb that would indicate that maybe one day I could love him.
I don't know which was worse: Me, fighting my feelings for him, or him, expressing his feelings for me. Even though I totally played down what his staking Dru really meant, I knew what it would take for him to do something like that. I couldn't admit it, no matter how I wanted. No matter how I feel about him, because nothing is more important than my mother's life.
I've taken drastic measures. We've shut him out of the house. I said some absolutely horrible things to him before I beat the crap out of him last night. I'm not going near him unless absolutely necessary. I'm not taking any chances with my mother's life.