Broken Dreams

It's sad how I can just tune you out and not listen to what you are saying to me. It's a defensive move for me. I shut you out to shelter me from your endless drivel.

I grasp onto the memories of my past, I think of my childhood and try not to cry. I see the cycle of my life always looking for acceptance always wanting to do the right thing. I turn to the man that I am going to marry as he prattles on about wedding plans. This is the right thing my brain tells me while my heart starts to break.

I smile and nod making sure I look into his eyes to make him think that I am listening. I then nod my head to make him think I understand.

He smiles and I smile back he's done speaking to me and take my hand. I move with him and try not to let thoughts of other things, other times or other people invade my mind.

It's a losing cause. I always go back to him his smile his voice his acceptance of me.

I always listen when he speaks. I care about what he has to say. He speaks to me not at me.

That is the difference between him and the man I am going to marry. He let's me voice my opinion and listens to what I have to say. The so called man of my dreams tells me what my opinion is and cuts me off when I do not share his views. He doesn't listen to me if he did then he would see that I am not happy and looking for a way out of this nightmare.

I feel like I'm marrying to fulfill a dream. A dream I no longer want to be a part of. I'm realizing my mistake. By accepting the ring of a virtual stranger I have alienated the man who held the key to my heart. I am brought back from my thoughts by the ring of my phone.

My significant other starts to complain again about my work. He is not happy with the way I drop everything and leave him. I look down so weary of this conversation.

I'm angered by these words and then doubtful I want to shout at him but nothing comes out of my mouth. I apologize for having to go and to pretending to listen to him tell me how things will change once we are married and I become pregnant.

I smile nod my head and escape out the door. I need to get away and think of a way to leave this man before I am lost. I go back to my memories where I feel safe before he came into my life.

I remember your voice and the sound you made when I showed you the ring. I think you stop caring that very day. I knew I had hurt you but I was searching for something that I already had. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I wish I could find a way to undo the harm I have caused you.

I will undo the damage I must. I will come to you and ask that you forgive me for not waiting for our time. I will tell you what I've been meaning to say before it is too late.

I arrive at the base and go in search of you. I walk in through the briefing room and I see you speaking to another.

A thread of fear creeps into my mind. She is beautiful, who is she and why is laughing with my soul mate? It hits me then and there. I have to face up to the truth he has moved on buried our love deep. I bite my lip and pretend this does not affect me. You were some one I believed in and now I have lost you. Am I the last to know that you don't love me any more? The realization is there when I nonchalantly ask you who she was.

You dismiss my question and I know there is more here that meets the eye. But I have no claim to you. You are not mine to fight for. I am shattered but cannot leave. I try to accept that I may have lost you for an empty shell of a man that can never hold a candle to you.

No I can't lose you I will fight her for your love. But will you still want me when all is said and done.

This is what I wait to see as you walk out the door and out of my heart forever.