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Drake Mallard dragged himself downstairs with a yawn, knowing full well that 2:38 pm was way too early to greet the world.
"Good morn – er, afternoon Drake!" Launchpad called brightly from the kitchen.
"Hi LP…where's Gosalyn?"
"In the living room, reading."
"Ha, good one LP, Gosalyn's 'reading'," Drake scoffed, and turned into the living room to see Gosalyn with a large book in her lap, "GOSALYN'S READING?!"
His daughter looked up from the leather-bound tome with annoyance as Drake rushed to her side and began feeling her forehead.
"I knew there was something wrong with you last night – do you have a fever? It's these paternal instincts ya know, I just get this feeling when there's something wrong – are you sure you don't have a fever? Omigosh Gos you feel warm, I'll call an ambulance – "
"DAD! CHILL! There's nothing wrong with me, I don't have a fever and – Dad put down the phone, I don't need an ambulance!" Gosalyn roared.
Drake tossed the phone back into the receiver, eyeing her suspiciously as he asked, "I dunno Gos…what exactly are you reading?"
"It's my birthday present from Morgana," Gosalyn informed simply.
"Yeah Drake, it's really neat, it's got all these weird monsters in it –kinda like our basement!" Launchpad pointed out.
Drake snatched the book from Gosalyn's hands, producing an indignant "hey!" from her. He studied the cover.
"Vicious Transylvanian Beasts and the Horrible Things They Can Do to You and Your Family," the mallard read aloud, scowling, "sounds like a real Pulitzer…"
Gosalyn grabbed it back from him and began flipping through the yellowed pages as she gushed excitedly, "It's so cool…here…lemme show you my favorite…"
She shoved the book into Drake's face.
"There! Take a look at him!"
The mallard examined the black and white drawing of what appeared to be a huge, wolfish creature. It sported a thick snout with several large, sharp-looking teeth which he was currently sinking into a random Transylvanian.
"Lovely," Drake commented sarcastically.
"I know, isn't he? The call him the 'Throat-Bloodier'!" Gosalyn said.
"Right…I just hope these kind of mind-warping gift ideas don't turn into a trend for Morgana," Drake muttered.
Launchpad added in, "Well, she is getting Gos to read DW."
"Yeah, and she also remembered to come to my birthday to give it to me," Gosalyn said bitterly.
Drake cringed inwardly. For a few moments there he had held the brief hope that last night's little fiasco had blown over. Apparently, however, it was still fresh in his daughter's mind.
"Gos, listen to me, I'm sorry, it won't happen again, not with my stellar memory – "
THUNK!
"What was that?!" Launchpad cried.
"That, LP, would be the sound of The St. Canard Tribune hitting the front door," Drake said astutely.
"Gee, the paperboy seems a little upset."
"Well, he uh, kinda is, a little, you see I sorta forgot to pay him last month, heh heh…" Drake chuckled sheepishly.
"Another example of your 'stellar memory'?" Gosalyn asked pointedly.
The mallard narrowed his eyes at her and went for the newspaper. He threw himself onto the sofa, flipping to the horoscopes.
"Okay, let's see what's on tap for me today…"
"You're looking at the horoscopes? But I thought that you thought that everything has to do with logic and reasoning," Launchpad said, scratching his head skeptically.
"And that's where you're wrong LP. Any self-respecting superhero knows that you've got to let fate play a hand too…hmm, ah, here's my horoscope! 'Your pompousness shall be your downfall today'," Drake read, "hey, what kind of stupid horoscope is that! You see LP, THAT'S why I attribute everything to logic and reasoning!"
Launchpad shrugged as Drake began studying the various headlines.
"What other tripe do I need to know about… 'Squirrel Overpopulation May Lead to End of Mankind'…not likely… 'Mutants Attack Hamburger Hippo'…pah, tell me something I don't know…hey what's this? 'Late Night Wave of Patients Plagues St. Canard Hospital…an unusually high acceptance of patients admitted to St. Canard Hospital occurred late last night, more than 90 percent referred to mental health clinics…many patients complained of hallucinations and severe sleepwalking that in most cases led to violent or irrational behavior…gee, that's odd."
"And to think, Gos was sleepwalking last night too!" Launchpad exclaimed.
"I was?" the duckling asked.
Lanchpad nodded and continued, "Yeah, you probably don't remember it…but what a coincidence!"
"Yeah…coincidence…" Drake muttered lowly.
"Hey DW, I thought you told Gos we were going crime fighting…what are we doing at the St. Canard Mall?"
Drake pulled into the parking lot, scouting for an elusive space.
"I only told Gosalyn that we were going crime fighting to make her think that we were going crime fighting, because we're not going crime fighting at all!"
"Well, that makes sense," Launchpad commented.
"So while she's thinking I'm heroically bringing crooks to their knees, I'm really making up for her birthday."
"Gee DW, I'm impressed…you're going to the mall on a Saturday night!" the pilot said.
"I've got to. Pulling Gos outta this rut is going to take extreme measures,"
"What kind of measures?"
"The 'buy something really expensive' kind," Drake answered, "AHA! A parking space!"
He was just about to pull in when a red coup swerved in front of him and into his spot. Drake jammed on the brakes and pounded the horn.
"Hey! What the heck do ya think yer doin'!" he roared indignantly.
An old lady with a puffy gray hairdo stuck her fist out of the coup and shook it at him angrily.
"This looks like it's gonna be a looooong night," Launchpad mumbled to himself while Drake fumed.
"Dumb old lady and her dumb car, had to park up in the next dumb block," Drake seethed as he and Launchpad strode into J. C. Nickel's department store.
"What are we doing in the lady's section Drake?" his partner asked, eyeing the various jewelry and apparel.
"Thanks to little Miss Road Rage, we're on the other side of the mall. This is just a very inconvenient shortcut."
As they walked past a counter, the heavy scent of several perfumes mingling permeated the air. Drake sniffed and asked Launchpad casually, "Do you think Morgana would be into this kinda stuff?"
"Um, I dunno, I think she sorta has her own blend," the pilot answered with a shudder, ruing the day he asked Morgana what smelled like blood.
"Yeah, guess you're right, doesn't really seem like her thing," Drake mused, then gazed about the store, "Look around you LP…enjoy the life of a common city dweller, us vigilante types don't get the pleasure that often…a young'n with his lollipop…a man taking a drink of water…Megavolt holding those people at gunpoint…that women looking – Megavolt holding those people at gunpoint? GASP! Megavolt's holding those people at gunpoint!"
Across the room, Megavolt held his electrogun level with a man's eyes.
"Hello everyone, my name is Megavolt and I'll be your tour guide for today," the rodent said in a friendly voice, "directly in front of you, you may see my electrogun, loaded with over ten thousand deadly volts of electricity. To your right is my good friend Quackerjack, say 'hi Quackerjack'!"
"Hi Quackerjack," the crowd murmured timidly.
"Hiya crowd of horrified victims!" the jester shouted amiably with an exaggerated wave.
Megavolt continued, "Let's move on with our tour…now if you will all just kindly move to the center of the room – quit shoving! That's it…now just move to the center of the room, get down on your knees and put your hands above your head…there you go!"
Drake's eyes widened.
"It's Megavolt and Quackerjack! Ooooh boy! Now I'll finally get my hands on those two felonious freaks!"
Megavolt smirked proudly as Quackerjack literally bounced over to him.
"Good going Mr. Volt, onto stage two?"
"Why thank you Mr. Jack, and I agree – STAGE TWO BUSHY!"
"Bushy!" Drake whispered, "That must mean – "
If the customers scrambling to the exit were scared then, they were terrified when the potted plants located next to the doors leapt out of their containers. Their vines spread at an alarming rate, creating a leafy net over the only nearby exit. Several people tried to claw their way through, only to find themselves hanging by their ankles courtesy of Bushroot and his plants.
"I'm sorry everybody!" the plant-duck apologized as he grew extra arms in order to snatch up the fugitives and hand them to the potted flora, "I really am! I'm not really like this…I'm only doing this because I have to…I'm sorry miss…hold still, I don't want to drop you…sorry! Sorry! Okay, I got everybody, um, s-stage three!"
Drake searched the room wildly as he hissed, "Stage three has to be that soggy saboteur – "
No sooner had security guards rushed onto the scene when the water fountain suddenly exploded, gushing gallons upon gallons of water in its wake. A watery dog emerged and streaked across the room.
"Need some excitement in your life? Then hang ten on Liquidator's Wet'n Wild Ride!" the Liquidator bellowed as he swept up the security guards in his path.
While mall security screamed in fright, Drake Mallard screamed in delight.
"AAAAALLLL RIGHT! I can finally whomp the Fearsome Five, and they won't even know what hit 'em! C'mon LP, let's get danger – LP?"
"Up here DW!"
Drake looked up, only to see his sidekick hanging upside down by one of Bushroot's potted plants.
"I'm uh, a little hung up at the moment," the pilot quipped.
Drake continued without missing a beat, "Fine, you get yourself and the other customers down, and then get the Ratcatcher! I'll handle these belligerent buffoons!"
The mallard dashed through the mayhem, eyes darting about madly.
"Gotta find a broom closet, a telephone booth, anything – OOMPH!"
Drake staggered backwards, little fedoras dancing around his eyes. He shook his head and looked to see whom he had run into. To his displeasure, he had run into a rat in a yellow jumpsuit.
"Oh, sorry Drake Mallard," Megavolt apologized casually.
Drake's jaw dropped. Megavolt – how on earth did he remember his name?! Judging by the open-mouthed expression on the villain's face, he was wondering the same thing.
Quackerjack came up behind Megavolt, a bag of loot in hand.
"You know this guy?" he asked Megavolt.
"Yeah…but…I just…can't remember…how!"
Quackerjack turned to Drake, "That is your name, right?"
Not knowing if he should chance letting his old schoolmate hear his voice, God forbid he get a clue, the mallard just flapped his beak silently.
"Talkative thing, aren't ya?" Quackerjack said sarcastically, raising an eyebrow in Drake's direction.
Bushroot and Liquidator had joined them, and Bushroot asked suspiciously, "Hey, I think I know this guy from somewhere…"
Drake's stomach did a flip-flop.
"Weren't you a presenter at the VMA's? You know, the Villain Malevolence Awards?" Bushroot asked.
Desperate to get them off his back, Drake nodded fervently.
"Yup! That's how I know him!" Megavolt exclaimed.
"That's not true, Drew!" Mr. Banana Brain said.
"Yeah, you were at the hospital that night Megs. I stuck that battery up your nose remember?" Quackerjack pointed out.
"Oh yeah…" Megavolt said bitterly as electricity began to crackle at his fingertips.
"Okay, how do you know this guy?" Quackerjack demanded.
"Why do you even care?" Megavolt asked.
"Because! It's gonna bug me the rest of the night now, you know like one of those things where someone asks you a question and you know the answer but you don't, and just keep thinking and thinking and thinking – "
"WHAT ARE YOU CROUTONS STANDING AROUND FOR?!" a low voice barked.
Drake and the rest of the Fearsome Four jumped involuntarily, but the mallard quickly composed himself. He knew that voice all too well, and though he had been expecting it, it did not make its arrival any sweeter.
Negaduck stepped between Megavolt and Quackerjack, roughly shoving the villains aside. He was just about to spout out another crude comment when he caught sight of Drake.
Their eyes locked, and neither of them moved. For the strangest split-second Negaduck thought he was gazing into a mirror and had forgotten to wear his mask. No…it couldn't be, he'd never be caught dead in that green sweater vest. Then it hit him. He knew who he was gaping at.
The Fearsome Four looked from Negaduck to Drake awkwardly, wondering why neither of the two ducks dared to twitch a feather. Finally, Negaduck's beak warped into a sadistic smile, while Drake ground his teeth.
"Please tell me I'm not crazy and you know this guy too!" Megavolt implored.
"You are crazy Sparky, but I do know this guy…" Negaduck murmured.
Drake's fists clenched and he glowered at his opposite with growing hatred. He was trapped, and there was nothing he could do about it.
"Haven't seen you in awhile," Negaduck whispered to Drake evilly.
"Pleasure's all mine," Drake hissed.
"Whatcha gonna do with him, Tim?" Mr. Banana Brain asked.
Negaduck eyed Drake like a cat deciding what to do with a cornered mouse. The villain glanced at his cohorts. He could give away his mirror image right now, ruin him for life…but what if, dare he say it, the Fearsome Four put two and two together…
The black-masked mallard straightened up and clasped his hands behind his back in a business-like manner.
"Now listen to me, I am going to give these instructions to you in a very explicit and simple manner in order for you not to screw things up like usual. Nod if you understand."
The Fearsome Four frowned but nodded.
"You are not to let this duck – " Negaduck pointed to Drake, "out of your sight. Do you hear me? No matter what happens, I don't care about the other people, I don't care if someone starts shooting at you, I don't care if it starts raining fire and brimstone, you will not let this guy leave your sight. Nod if you understand."
The Fearsome Four nodded.
"If I find that he escapes, I'll exenterate you. Nod if you understand."
The Fearsome Four paled but nodded.
"Excellent," Negaduck said pleasantly, then leaned in towards Drake, eye to identical eye, "wouldn't want to end our winning streak, would we?"
Negaduck sauntered off, laughing maniacally. Drake growled and stuck his tongue out in the villain's direction. He had to think of something; Drake Mallard couldn't do anything in this situation, but a certain masked defender of justice might.
"What the heck is this guy so important for? He's ruining our whole process!" Bushroot whined.
"Yeah, Negaduck kept telling us 'follow the process or die!' and now look what's he's doing…stupid supervillain boot camp…" Megavolt grumbled.
Drake blinked but remained silent.
"But consumers want to know – what exactly does the captain of crime need with all this stuff anyway?" Liquidator gurgled.
"Who knows, he's probably stocking up on his signature scent," Quackerjack said with a snigger, glancing at Negaduck standing by the perfume counter.
Drake's mind reeled as the group chatted, trying desperately to come up with means for an escape. He caught sight of the restrooms on the opposite side of the room, if he could just slip into a stall…
Drake cleared his throat, and in his best falsetto announced, "Um, 'scuse me fellas, but I really gotta make a pit stop, I don't know how much longer I can wait, so could I, just, ya know…"
The Fearsome Four gave him a series of disgusted glances.
"I don't think Negaduck would be too pleased if this guy took a sh – "
"Just go!" Bushroot said to Drake, cutting Quackerjack off hurriedly.
"Yeah, don't hurt yourself," Megavolt added, slightly repulsed.
Drake squeaked out a small, "Thank you!" before breaking into a run. Thank his lucky stars! They fell for it! Ha, Darkwing Duck, master of deception!
"Wait a second!" Liquidator shouted suddenly.
Drake stopped in mid-sprint, his triumphant smile melted immediately. Drat.
"You have to promise you'll come right back to being our terrified captive when you're done!" Megavolt called, the rest of the four shaking their heads in agreement.
His happiness swelled up again and Drake yelled back, "I promise!"
The mallard dashed over to the restrooms with a large grin. He had to hurry though, he had wasted enough time already. Without looking where he was headed he made a turn for the door and –
SWACK!
Drake barely got a glimpse of the alligator-skin purse before it slammed into his beak.
"That'll teach you ruffians not to go in the lady's room!" the old lady with the puffy hairdo barked.
"Sorry m'am…won't happen again…" Drake spurted in a daze before staggering into the men's room.
"Okay pal," Negaduck said, leaning casually on the counter, "what would you recommend?"
The quaking perfume salesman sputtered, "W-well, it all depends on you t-t-tastes…w-which have y-you used previously?"
Negaduck rolled his eyes and barked, "Just give the most expensive ones and get this crap over with before I lose my good mood."
"I am the terror that flaps in the night!"
"GOOD MOOD GONE!" Negaduck roared as he whirled to face the captive-less Fearsome Four. They reminded him of four ugly deer caught in the headlights.
"I am the tourist who feeds the seagulls! I, am Darkwing Duck!"
As the blue smoke cleared, Negaduck drawled, "Tourist? Seagulls? That's lame."
"Lame? I wouldn't talk if I were you Negs, I'm not the one stealing perfume," Darkwing fired back.
Darkwing strode over to him and brandished his gas gun. With a smug grin he said, "Thought ya had me back there, huh?"
"You're just lucky those idiots are about as smart as a bag of hammers," Negaduck seethed.
"Well at least we've learned a valuable lesson today Negadunce: the Fearsome Four really are as dumb as they look. So are you for that matter, but that goes without saying."
"I'd rather be dumb than blind."
"Huh?"
Before Darkwing could react Negaduck squirted a heavy dose of perfume into his eyes from point blank range. The crime fighter cried out in pain, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing them fiercely.
"That was a cheap shot you cheap-shooting chump!" Darkwing managed to get out.
"And I feel awful about it," Negaduck mumbled sarcastically. He scanned the label of the perfume bottle and a sly grin worked its way onto his beak.
"Look on the bright side Dirtwing, says right here you're going to smell like a refreshing sea breeze all day – oh wait, that's right, you can't look anywhere!"
Still wiping his eyes Darkwing snapped, "Funny."
Negaduck threw the bottle at Darkwing's feet with a small tinkle of breaking glass. After tossing his sack of stolen perfume over his shoulder he rushed towards the escalators.
Darkwing Duck blinked the last bit of stinging pain from his eyes.
"Come back you coward! Your little head start won't get you anywhere!"
The mallard stepped forward, only to slip dramatically on the spilled perfume, have his feet shoot out from under him and then land flat on his back, all with no class whatsoever.
"Okay, now that his head start isn't so little anymore…"
His webbed feet pounded the stairs of the escalator, fueled by his determination not to get caught by his purple-sporting double. The Fearsome Four chugged behind Negaduck, fueled by their determination to get back into his good graces.
Halfway up the moving stairs Negaduck came to a halt. The old lady with the puffy hairdo was riding the escalator calmly, blocking his path. Try as he might the mallard could not get around her. Exasperated, Negaduck cried, "C'mon Grandma! Get a move on!"
SWACK!
The old lady gave Negaduck a hefty blow to the side of his head via her alligator-skinned purse.
"No, I don't care that Jimmy cracks corn…" he mused dreamily.
"Wow! She really clocked him!" Quackerjack cried somewhat nervously.
When they reached the second floor the old lady snapped, "That'll teach you ruffians some manners!" and marched off in the opposite direction.
Negaduck stumbled about with a dazed grin on his face while the Fearsome Four lead him to the exit.
"How do you crack corn anyhow?" he asked Megavolt.
"Um, I dunno, ask Jimmy," the rat answered.
Pelican's Island blared on the television. A great episode in fact. The Skipper came this close to getting off the island. However, Gosalyn wasn't paying attention, but was instead lounging on the blue couch completely immersed in her book.
Before the Skipper could say "little buddy" he was cut off and replaced by Tom Lockjaw.
"We interrupt your program for this special news bulletin…"
"Hey I was watching that," Gosalyn murmured automatically, not tearing her eyes from the book.
"The Fearsome Five have been spotted at J. C. Nickel's department store, deterring the efforts of security officials and apparently making local society hazard Darkwing Duck cry…"
"What?! Gosayln shouted as she looked up at the TV, only to see footage of Negaduck running away with a bag and Darkwing rubbing his eyes ardently.
"Will the Fearsome Five's reign of terror end? Will Darkwing Duck ever stop crying? Will – "
Gosalyn clicked off the television and threw the remote to the floor.
"Figures," she spat, "by the way he was talking before I actually thought Dad was up to something special for me. But nooooooooo, he's got to go crime fighting…again!"
Muttering angrily to herself, Gosalyn went back to her reading.
"The Throat-Bloodier is said to possess unnatural strength and speed, coupled with a vicious personality. Its only instinct is to kill – keen gear! – its only instinct is to kill, and when the Throat-Bloodier decides to do so, his eyes glow a ghastly green– "
"Goosalyn…"
"Who said that?!" Gosalyn cried, leaping off the couch.
"Goosalyn…"
"Be warned – I know every zombie-slaying move on the planet, I'm deadly!" she yelled.
The duckling looked left and right frantically. She could have sworn she was home alone…but wait, was the voice even coming from the house to begin with? If anything, it sounded as if it was in her own head…
"Go to sleep, Goosalyn…"
Suddenly Gosalyn felt as though she had stayed up for three days straight. Her head felt heavy, and her eyelids began to droop.
"Go to sleep…"
"Good idea," she mumbled groggily, then collapsed on the couch, asleep before she hit the cushions.
"Face it guys. We're lost," Bushroot said with a defeated sigh.
"I TOLD YOU this was the wrong dark alley! This is all your fault!" Quackerjack screamed.
"My fault?! It's YOUR fault for trusting me to remember it to begin with!" Megavolt screamed back.
"Tired of searching for where you parked the getaway vehicle? Then find it, before Negaduck gets back to normal!" Liquidator bellowed.
With that, Negaduck shook his head roughly and came back to his senses.
"What the… what're we doing here?"
"It was his fault!" Megavolt and Quackerjack shouted simultaneously, both pointing an accusing finger at the other.
Negaduck's eyes widened and his blood pressure soared as he shrieked, "This isn't the right dark alley…we were parked in the other…the other…YOU KNOBS! YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHERE YOU PARKED THE CAR! YOU'RE PATHETIC!"
The Fearsome Four shrunk back, trying to look as small as possible. Negaduck shook his head and swore profusely before marching down the alley.
"C'mon you idiots, we're parked two alleys up – "
The mallard was cut short by a low, growling noise. His brow furrowed, and he looked around, squinting.
"What the hell? Did you guys hear that?"
The Fearsome Four nodded, looking the picture of petrified. The growl sounded again, but this time Negaduck rolled his eyes.
"Forget it, it's probably just a stupid cat or something."
Before he could take another step, a large, wolfish creature practically melted out of the shadow. He moved silently, eyelevel with Negaduck.
"Oooo la la…that's one big cat…" Quackerjack observed.
Negaduck gulped as the creature's eyes began to glow an eerie green.
The End. Just kidding.