Disclaimer: I dont own Resident evil 4....duh

Luna: MORE REVIEWS YAY!!! OKay to make up for the shortness of the last chapter i made this one SUPER EXTRA LONG!!!! And here we go!!!

Chapter 5: If I shoot them in the head....WHAT THE-?

Leon swam as fast as his ripped, muscler hot body- uh...? Oh...sorry hehehe. He swam as fast as he could. Leon got safely on the on the boat & harpooned the BTA.

5 minutes, 12 harpoons & Leon swimming back and forth later.....

" I slayed the beast!" cried Leon, " WOOP WOOP!

Leon got in position to do his dance, but then got dizzy and fell into the cottage. He woke up and saw black veins spreading from his arms and face and screamed, " NOOO!! MY BEAUTIFUL COMPLEXION!"

Then Leon woke up, his Codec ringing. It was Hunnigan. Duh.

" Leon, we haven't had a transmission for over 5 hours. I was getting worried."

" Don't you mean lonely?"

" Leon.....do you ever learn?"

" What do you want to hear?"

"Well Ashelys in the chruch. You should go get her."

" Alrighty."

Leon realized it was night. He ran up a path guided by torchlights. Then, infected wolves attacked. Leon blew a new hole in each of them with the shotgun.

" Okay play dead!" said Leon, as they died.

It seems that when one survives horrid encounters with gruesome infected creatures, cheesy jokes help keep your sanity.......but Leons sanity was too far gone.

So Leon kept walking until a villager attacked, and he blew his head off. But then a thing came out of his head, a leech like thing with a swinging blade.

" What the-?"

Leon shot the leech thing with his friend Mr. Shotgun., killing it.

" Ewww....." he mumbled.

So he went to the waterway, got the key, blah blah blah. Nothing intersting happened until another villager came at him. Leon, having a small attentionspan, shot his head off. The leech thing came out again.

" What kind of sick joke is this?" screamed Leon, " This whole time its 'shoot them in the head, shoot them in the head' and now its 'shoot them in the head and a surprise pops out and eats you?! WHY ME!?"

Leon disposed of it, and kept going. Now I'm gonna skip ahead a bit to when Leon gets Ashely. I could go on about Leon running, shooting things and stuff but I won't bore you to death. But before that, he had to pass through the barracks. All the gates were locked and the villagers dragged out a HUGE giant that threw and stepped on villagers.

" Can my life suck anymore than now?" asked Leon

The giant ran at him and Leon rolled out of the way. Then he unloaded 2 shotgun shells into the beast. Leon heard howling shortly after.

" Hey, its that dog," said Leon, " HI! AWWW!! FLUFFY PUPPY!"

The dog had a Rocket Launcher and shot the giant, causing it to rain giant bits.

" Whoa...." said Leon.

" And now we're even," said the dog, and winked.

Confused, Leon decided to go and save Ashely. He ran, killed stuff, repeat. He was finally in the chruch and completed the puzzle. Leon opened the door to her room.

" Don't come!" cried Ashely.

She slapped him upside the head, kicked him in his manly area and scracthed him. Leon fell to the floor, grimaced in pain and squeaked, " Your father sent me."

" My father?" asked Ashely, brightening, " Why did he only send one? Oh....sorry for ambushing you..."

Leon got up, clutching his cheek and said, " I'm okay, Ahem. Come with me if you want to live."

" Isn't that from that Terminater movie?"

" Hehe...yeah let's go."

Leon ran out, followed by Ashely. He jumped down, deciding he was too cool to climb down ladders. And Ashely was too lazy, so she jumped and Leon caught her. Damn. I was hoping he'd drop her.

" Hi....." she said, staring into his eyes.

" Hi you can let go of me now...." said Leon, uncomfortable.

" Okay...." she said, and did, but still was staring at him.

" There you are, American Agent." said a new voice

That voice belonged to a cloaked figure with a staff.

" Who are you?" asked Leon.

" I am Osma Saddler," said he, " The founder of this fine establishment."

" Congrats to you," said Leon, " Nice to meet you. We'll just be going...."

" You will join me soon, I will have complete control over your minds. Now you will bring the girl home and they'll be a big party until the eggs hatch."

" Eggs hatch?" asked Leon, frantically searching his attache case for the eggs, " Hey they didn't hatch! LIAR!"

" Idiot.....In your blood, stomach everywhere just like the girl."

" What? Ashely's pregenant?" asked Leon.

" Huh?" said AShely," NO! NO IM NOT!!"

" No...." said Saddler, " Must I explain everything to you?"

They nodded.

" Ahh...." countied Saddler, " I ingected you both with the same virus as us. The Plaga virus. In that virus you'll both be controlled by the parasite. Understand?"

" Oh, Oh Question!" said Leon, waving his hand in front of Saddler, " I thought that was a dream. I thought I had another hangover, because I'm telling you I get these FREAKY dreams when I get drunk. There was this one dream when I was a cinnamon bun and this fat guy ate me and I was screaming NOOO!!-"

" Leon....." said Ashely, " I think they ingected me with the same thing."

Flash back

Ashely is clawing, slapping, crouch kicking and hair pulling her way through the sea of cultists. Finally, a cultist just jabs her in the neck with a needle.

End Flash back

" Ashely!" cried Leon, " What did you do to her?"

" I infected her!" screamed Saddler, " I told you that already! What, do you have an attention sapn of the 3 year old?"

" Hey what's with those symbols everywhere? They look like a pogostick with a crown, no....more like a pixie stick-"

".........WE need a ransom-uh donation. It takes alot of moolah to keep our parasites happy. Now hand over the girl!"

" Over my bloody, worm consumed, complusive, rotting-" began Leon.

" Hey Leon I'm trying to keep this fic PG-13! SO stop with the gross descriptive adjectives!" I shouted.

" Oh....okay. Then OVER MY DEAD BODY!" screamed Leon.

" That can be arranged," said Saddler.

Several robed cultist appeared with bow& arrow guns. One had a scratch mark on his face, another was limping, 3rd with an imprint of a hand on his face and the last cowered in fear at the site of Ashely.

" Come on!" cried Leon and grabbed her hand.

He pulled Ashely out of harms way and they jumped out a window.

" You okay?' asked Leon, as he stood up.

" Yeah, fine," said Ashely, " Leon, I don't wanna end up like them! They have no fashion sense, are ugly and smell bad! Is that shallow of me?"

" What? Uh, no-no...." said Leon, " Don't worry. We'll find a cure."

Always the optimist, Leon and Ashely walked off.

Luna: Woo.....that was long......Review.....Next chapter6: REturn to Freaky village.