It really should kill you. Nothing could be so cruel as to let you live after this. But it was reality and he knew it. It should just stop your heart when you realise that someone whom you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, didn't love you anymore. But it doesn't. You still have to get up the next day, work, see your friends, pretend that you aren't really dieing inside when you are…when you feel like you are drowning in a sea of sorrow, doomed never to breathe again.
He lived like that for about a month; never really alive, never really dead, just suspended in-between in the dark ocean that had become his life. When suddenly he saw her, saw how she lived, how she laughed while crying. And strangely, he breathed again, just for an instant. Then she turned a corner, leaving his presence, and he sank back into the deep.
I was burned before I crashed in you
Strung and turned and faded into blue
He had always been close to her, as far back as he could remember, there had been a light in her eyes that drew him to her. It was gone now. It had been gone for quite some time. He hadn't noticed, because he had been avoiding her. He hadn't meant to, normally when he was hurt, she was the first one he ran to, the first, and often only one who would hold him, tell him that life went on. But not this time, this time he couldn't get those hateful words out of his head.
"I'm trying here Neal! But I look at you, and all I see is her! It was never me! It was always her!"
They had always been close, but it had never been that. No, that was a lie, there had been that crush he had on her, and he was pretty sure she had had one on him too. But those were things of the past. But when he had seen her all that had melted away, and there was only her radiance in his eyes. He had truly loved her, but it had become plain to see that she was too blinded by her jealousy of what they shared to keep on loving him.
Waiting for maybe someone like you
To save me like you needed saving
He went to speak to her that night. When she opened the door though, all his well made plans had swept away at the first unguarded look he had seen in her eyes since he had…neglected? No, abandoned her. It was raw, broken, hurt, sad…soulful.
She had always been there for him, and in her time of greatest hardship he had spurned her need to go and wallow in his own self pity. Calling himself seven kinds of idiot, he opened his mouth, but was surprised when she swept him into a fierce embrace. Her arms clinging to his neck, she buried her face in his shoulder. His own arms wrapped themselves around her waist, and drew her close.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like I should have been," her voice was thick and muffled against his shirt, "I knew how much you loved her."
Always thinking of others, here she was in pain of her own and all she could think of was his. "Oh please Kel, I was the selfish one, look at you…what happened?"
She lifted her head, and standing there in the deserted hallway in the circle of his arms, she looked at him. And he knew.
He had made her fall for him, and just when she had resigned herself to opening her heart to him, he tore it apart, leaving her to pick up the pieces.
"He always was a flirt," she said laughing bitterly.
He swore violently, "Bastard, I can't believe I'm related to him."
"Would you like to come in?"
He nodded, stepping inside her rooms.
She shut the door behind him.
Too strange to be strangers
Too far gone to be friends
Too lovesick to be lovers
Only one way this could end...
They sat next to each other on the little settee that she had by the fire, feeling the beginnings of a languid sort of comfort settle over them. The other was there; nothing could hurt them for long. Reaching over the numerous papers she had been working on, she made him some tea. He noticed that she had deliberately avoided making green tea. He was grateful for it, the last thing he needed was a reminder of her. Sipping at their cups in companionable silence, they watched the fire crackle in the grate. He grew so relaxed there, in front of the warm flames, with his tea, and her constant presence, that he started when she spoke.
"So, did she leave you because of your awful poetry?"
It wasn't really funny, it might even, under the right lighting have been hurtful. But when she said those words, her voice was no longer vexed, and lost, it had been hers again, and that alone was enough to make him laugh with joy.
He shook his head chuckling. "No, it was…something else."
More silence and then, "It wasn't that bad you know."
"What?"
But if you kiss my pages
What else can I do
Think I'll stick around and crash and burn with you
"Your poetry, towards the end, it did get better, more…more…" she waved one had wildly, floundering for the word. "Real and, and honest."
He stared at her. When he finally spoke, his tone was tentative. "Did you by any chance read the letter I sent you for your birthday?"
She shook her head, "I'll go get it now though." And she was at her desk before he could stop her.
Sitting back down again, she opened it and began to read it. He sat there nervously, it had originally been sent it to make her laugh, it was a poem extolling her virtues. He worried as to how honest he had made this piece of work. Those words kept ringing in his head. "It was never me! It was always her!"
She was silent for a long minuet. Then she kissed the paper gently.
He raised an eyebrow. She smiled. "You didn't gloss it over, in that poem, you told the truth about me, the good and the bad, no holds barred. A true poet Neal, I told you all you needed was practice."
You were wrecked before I smashed in you
Lost and vexed and jaded baby blue
She laughed; it was a tinkling sound, like tiny temple bells in the wind. She grew serious quickly. "Really Neal, why did she leave?"
Silence, raw and charged, filtered into the room. But she waited, and finally he said, "She was jealous."
"Of what?"
"Us, she thought I didn't really love her."
A wounded silence, "I wreaked what you had didn't I?" her voice was lost, and soft again.
"No, she did. I did love her Kel."
"I know Neal, I know."
He looked at her, and the fire in her eyes burned into him. It was brimming with compassion, understanding, and love.
Flashed your shine in rooms I never knew
Saw through me like I saw through you
He leaned in, brushing his lips against hers so softly, that it might as well not have happened. But it had, and that changed everything.
Her eyes were wide and bright with shock.
"You still love her."
"You still love him."
"Why are you doing this Neal?"
"Do you not like it? Do you find it awkward?"
"No…I did like it, and it was awkward, but not for the right reasons." Her voice was tense and frustrated.
"What would the right reason be then?"
"You still love her! It was awkward because of that! Not because I shouldn't…care for you in that way. And I still love Dom!"
"Yes you do! But can't you love me as well? Can't I love you?" He was silent again. When he spoke, his tone was softer. "She left me because she said I love you too much, and she was right. I…I need you Kel."
"I won't be second fiddle to your Ex fiancé Neal!" Her voice was hard and ugly.
"You won't be! Just like I won't be second fiddle to Dom!" his voice grew uncertain again, "I won't right?"
She was silent for a very long while. Neal watched her face, it was blank again, but he could see the commotion going on behind her eyes.
"No," she said, "you won't be."
We're too strange to be strangers
Too far gone to be friends
Too lovesick to be lovers
Only one way this could end
His heart leapt for joy.
"It's so complicated though. How can you love to people at once?"
He tilted he chin up to look at him, "Other loves fade in time…ours doesn't have to."
"I still feel like we're just doing this for the sake of it."
"We aren't"
He eyes flashed a challenge. "Prove it!"
He kissed her.
But if you give me your heart
Then I'll leave mine with you
Don't know why you let me in
When you've got so much to lose...
Soft and gently at first, his lips buttery against hers, almost innocent in nature. But when she pulled him closer, pressing harder against him, mouth opening instantly, it all became everything but innocent. He kissed her long and deep, leaving them both gasping for breath. Laying her out on the settee, his lips mapped the outline of her collar bone, before he sunk his teeth tenderly into the hollow of the throat. She gave a low, guttural gasp, and he smirked into her neck. His lips started moving ever lower, slowly, teasingly, when suddenly-
"Midnight hour and all's well!"
The watchman's cry pulled them out of their trance. Breathing heavily, then stared at each other. Realising how close they had come to the edge.
Eventually they fell asleep together, calm and safe. It would be rocky, and old loves die hard, but they'd stick around.
But I'll stick around to crash and burn with you
Yeah, I'll stick around to crash and burn with you...
I'll stick around to crash and burn... with you.
He opened his eyes the next morning to find the ocean gone, and fresh, beautiful air entering his lungs.
It might not kill you, but then again, it might have a reason for doing so.
QQQ
A/N: My usual writing style, nothing special. I just got a brainwave, and a song popped unbidden into my head. I wrote it down, and here we are. I only looked over this thing once though, so I would like to blame my laziness on the time. It is 2:30 in the morning.
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