The Interviews - Haldir
He was waiting for her in the solarium when she returned with her cup of tea. She paused in her step as his gray eyes met hers, so forceful was his stare that it stopped her in her tracks. Quickly regaining her fortitude, she stepped boldly up to the couch on which he sat, perching herself on the edge of the cushion on the opposite end, and pushing the play button on the tape recorder.
Looking over at her, raising an elegantly arched eyebrow, he gracefully scooted himself over, sitting so close that she could feel the heat from his thigh on her leg. She couldn't help but catch his scent - a combination of exotic, musky sandalwood and clean spring rains. That, in conjunction with his fabulous features, overwhelming masculinity, and thick curtain of shimmering silver hair, made her just a tad bit uncomfortable - and horny.
Author: Pardon me, but would you mind moving over just a bit? We have an entire sofa here…we really don't need to sit one on top of the other…
Haldir: No…I do not think so…I like where I am, thank you.
Author: Surely, you'd be more comfortable with a bit more space around you, March Warden…to stretch out…say, on the other side of the sofa?
Haldir: Again, I must say no. This is fine…although, as a matter of fact, now that you mention it, I'd be even more comfortable with you on my lap. Come here.
Author: Back off, Mallorn Boy…you're invading my personal bubble.
Haldir: I have every intention of invading something, but your personal bubble isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Author: Jeez…there's enough testosterone in this room to choke a horse.
Haldir: Hmmph. Testosterone is not the only thing I've got enough of to choke a horse.
Author: Good grief! Well, at least the fanfic writers have gotten one thing right - you are truly the most arrogant creature I have EVER met.
Haldir: You want me. Admit it.
Author: I want you what? Dead? In stocks? Tied to an anthill naked and covered in honey?
Haldir: Oh, I think the 'naked and covered in honey' part sounds about right. Come now…admit it. You want me. I know you do. I've read your stories.
Author: If you've read my stories, then you know what I can do to you in them.
Haldir: What can you possibly do to me that you haven't already done? Put me in a skimpy black speedo? You already did that. Have me wrestle another Elf half-naked in a mudwrestling contest? You did that too. Have me seduce my own brothers? You did that twice."
Author: Three times, but whose counting? How does giving you breasts and entering you in the Miss America Beauty Pageant sound?
Haldir:…it sounds as though I'd win.
Author: I could have you stricken with a disfiguring disease.
Haldir: Ha! No, you can't…I've read Tolkien, too, you know. Elves don't get sick. That would be against canon, and no one would believe it. You'd get hate mail.
Author: Damn. I could have you die in battle…
Haldir: I've also seen the movies…been there, done that.
Author: I know…I know something that I could do to you that would take you down a peg or two, Mr. Elf.
Haldir: What? Come now…tell me. I'm on pins and needles.
Author: I could make you have a steamy love affair.
Haldir: Like that would be original.
Author: With Gollum.
Haldir: …you wouldn't. Not even you would sink that low.
Author: Try me. Let's see…Haldir, being the oversexed, arrogant son-of-an-warg that he was, couldn't find anyone in Lorien, Imladris, or Mirkwood that could satisfy his unending libido. One day, while walking near a babbling brook, he heard a raspy, slithery voice say, "Oh, my precioussss…it wants usss…"
Haldir: I've moved! I've moved! Okay? Stop…please…for the love of all that's holy, stop right there!"
Author: It needsss usss…preciousss…
Haldir: I think…I hear Galadriel calling me…yes…I can hear her…I have to go!
The Author smiled to herself, shutting off her recorder as the big Elf bolted from the solarium, as pale as ice. "She who holds the keyboard holds the power," she reminded herself, chuckling quietly.
"Milady…" a voice whispered from somewhere behind the sofa. Looking over her shoulder, she saw Legolas inching his way into the room from the other direction.
"I am sorry…I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with the March Warden," he said, smiling an almost evil smile.
"You did?"
"Yes…and if you promise to write that last story…the one with him and Gollum…I'll let you bear my children."
Rolling her eyes, thinking that there seemed to be no end to these Elves' pomposity, she said, "Well, thank you most kindly for offer, Your Highness, but I'll have to pass. I think that just the threat is enough to keep him on his toes for a while."
Watching Legolas walk away, just a bit dejected, since he obviously would have loved to have rubbed Haldir's nose in a story like that, she shook her head, thinking, "Elves. Ya gotta love 'em."