Author: TICS
Rating: PG13
Summery: Glorfindel pays someone an unexpected visit.
Genre: Humor. AU…please do not expect anything even remotely resembling canon here. Feedback greatly appreciated…desired…wanted…needed…:DA Gentleman Caller
The Interviews - The Ellith
Midmorning, she found herself on a ladder in the library, perusing such titles as "Riders of Rohan - the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly," "Rings and Things - An Illustrated History of Eldar Fashion Accessories Through the Ages," and "1,001 Recipes for Leftover Lembas." Pulling one such dusty tome from the shelf, she opened it to a random page, sneezing as a puffball of dust assaulted her nose.
"My dear, surely you aren't interested in those dry old textbooks…"
Looking down over her shoulder, she smiled, seeing the only two Ellith she'd met thus far, Galadriel and Celebrian, waving at her. She replaced the book and climbed down the ladder, joining the ladies who waited for her.
"I believe we're next to be interviewed…" Celebrian said, showing her to a comfortable-looking grouping of leather chairs set in one corner of the library.
She took out her tape recorder, placed it in on the table between the chairs, after they'd been seated, and pressed the record button.
Author: Good morning, ladies…
Celebrian: Good morning, my dear. I hear you've been having a string of quite interesting interviews thus far…
Galadriel: You do realize that you've passed up the opportunity of a lifetime when you interviewed Haldir, do you not?
Author: I didn't consider being pawed at by an arrogant, hulking Silvan to be the opportunity of a lifetime…
Galadriel: Trust me, it was, and you - how do you say it in your stories? Oh, yes, you blew it.
Celebrian: If she blew it, she wouldn't be able to walk yet.
the tapes rolls on for a moment as the two Ellith snort naughtily, and the Author picks her jaw up off the floor
Author: Really, Ladies! I wouldn't have thought you two capable of such bawdiness…
Galadriel: Oh, please…we're Elves, we're immortal, and I can say with utmost confidence that we've seen and done everything there is to see and do, in that respect.
Author: Really? Everything?
Galadriel: Try us. Literally. C'mon…
Author: Thanks for the offer, but I think not…
Galadriel: Sorry…the twins and Haldir told me you that you wouldn't…well, I just assumed that you were…
Author: You know what happens when you assume, right?
Galadriel: Point taken. So, what would you like to know about?
Author: I suppose the first question that comes to mind is, what's it like to be immortal?
Celebrian: Dull.
Galadriel: Bor-ing. I mean, how many times can you tie your husband up and…
Celebrian: Mother! Too much information.
Galadriel: But she asked…
Author: Yes! I did ask, Celebrian…
Celebrian: If Celeborn finds out you've been talking out of turn, Nana…
Galadriel: Then it's my turn to get tied up.
the tape runs on while the Author and Celebrian stare openmouthed at Galadriel
Galadriel: What? Oh, come on now, Cel…don't try to tell me you and Elrond have never played any bedroom games…
Celebrian: Not those types of games, Mother!
Galadriel: You poor dear…I always said he was a shmuck.
Celebrian: Mother!
Galadriel: She married beneath her, you know.
Celebrian: Mother…I'm warning you…
Galadriel: Celebrian, everyone knows what Elrond's problem is…
Celebrian: What would that be, Mother - although I should know better than to ask.
Galadriel: Simply put, someone shoved a stick up that Elf's ass that he hasn't yet had removed.
Celebrian: You're a fine one to talk! At least MY husband doesn't bounce himself on every Elf that walks by!
Galadriel: Dearie…you just haven't caught him yet. As a matter of fact, I remember a certain painting he had commissioned featuring himself and your father that I found to be quite…lifelike.
the tape rolls on as the two Ellith stare vehemently at each other in silence
Author: Well…not to change the subject, because it's been just fascinating - riveting, actually - but do you suppose I might ask another question?
Galadriel: Of course, my dear…what is it?
Author: What do you two ladies think of the sites Elladan and Elrohir found on the Internet?
Celebrian: I absolutely adore them! All those lovely stories…all those very lovely, very naughty stories…
Galadriel: Not to mention all those very lovely, very naughty drawings…
Author: It doesn't bother you that people are writing stories about your husbands…your children…yourselves?
Galadriel: Of course not…why would it? Personally, I really like the ones where they put Celeborn together with Haldir and his brothers…my, but those really get my ticker racing…
Celebrian: Try to understand, dear…we've all been around forever, practically - some of us longer than others, but still - and we've pretty much run out of fantasies of our own. So to find this treasure trove of new fantasies…well, it was the best thing to happen to us since we sailed West!
Galadriel: Exactly! It's particularly fulfilling when we get the opportunity to act out those fantasies…
Celebrian: MOTHER! Too much information again!
Galadriel: Oh, put a sock in it, Celebrian! She must know by now that we aren't frigid…by any stretch of the imagination.
Celebrian: She still doesn't need to know the more intimate details, Mother.
Author: Yes, she does.
Galadriel: See? It's all in the interest of education, my dear daughter…purely educational.
Celebrian: Right. Educational. What's next? Visual aids?
Galadriel: Excellent idea! I'll go fetch Celeborn, and you fetch the twins…
Celebrian: That's it, Mother! I am going to go to the cellar and find a couple of bottles of the strongest wine we have. Then I am going to drink those bottles of wine, and hope that when I awake sometime next week this conversation will have been stricken from my memory!
the tape rolls on as Celebrian stalks out of the room
Galadriel: Sigh. Unfortunately, this is why she and Elrond make such a good pair. They both have sticks up their asses…
She watched the Lady of Light glide out of the library after her daughter.
Turning off the tape recorder and pocketing it, she shrugged and turned her attention back to the floor to ceiling shelves of books, wondering where Elrond had stashed the collection of Elf porn that the twins had told her about. It was here somewhere, and she was determined to find it.