Title: A Gentleman Caller
Author: TICS
Rating: PG13
Summery: Glorfindel pays someone an unexpected visit.
Genre: Humor. AUplease do not expect anything even remotely resembling canon here. Feedback greatly appreciated:D
Warning: Patricia, slash-lover extraordinaire, has requested that I include a choking hazard warning: may induce uncontrolled spewage on the keyboards. Keep fic away from food and beverages.
A Gentleman Caller
The Interviews - Celeborn
On the very last shelf she chose to search in the library, she found a huge tome, oddly clean compared to the rest of the dust-covered volumes, whose spine read, "Being Human - The History of the Lesser Known Tribes of the Second Born." Pulling it from the shelf, she noticed that it seem to weigh far more than she would have thought, even for a book its size. Cracking open the cover, she quickly realized why it weighed as much as it didshe had found Elrond's secret stash of Elf porn.
The pages inside the book had been carefully cut away, creating a hiding place for the several dozen thin, pulpy booklets hidden within it. Closing the book, smiling broadly, she carefully descended the ladder while cradling the massive tome against her chest.
Looking about in all directions, making sure no one was around, she took the book over to a quiet, darkened corner of the library, sitting on a sofa. Placing the book on the seat next to her, she again lifted the cover, pulling out one of the thin booklets from inside and examining it.
A hand drawn Elleth graced the cover, demurely looking out at the reader, lips parted, tongue licking her lower lip, her gown pulled down to reveal the tops of her breasts, just above her crossed arms. The title of this particular work was "Urui Teleth - The Ellith of Imladris." Frowning, she tried to work out the translation. "Hot Rear?" she thought, cocking an eyebrow. "Oh" she thought to herself, "must be the Elvish equivalent for 'hot ass.' Pervy Elrond"
She quickly flipped through the booklet, noting with interest the various drawings within - very nicely rendered, each one showing an Elleth in various states of undress and provocative poses. Scanning the text, she read, "My turn-ons include midnight walks along the Gray Havens, and satin sheets." Snorting contemptuously, she put the slim volume down and picked up another.
"That one is one of my favorites," came a voice from over her left shoulder.
Squeaking in surprise, she slammed closed the cover of the big book, shoving the booklet she held in her hand under a pillow, as if whoever was speaking was too moronic to know she'd been reading it. Damn Elves with their ability to walk without making sounds. She hated when they sneaked up on her like that.
"No need to hide it, dearI've seen Elrond's collection many timeseven contributed a few booklets myself."
Slowly turning around, managing a weak, embarrassed smile, she looked at Celeborn, who was grinning down at her. He walked around the sofa to sit next to her, on the other side of the large book.
Opening the cover, he riffled through its contents, pulling a thin volume out from near the back of the pile. "You might find this one most interesting" he said, smiling lasciviously as he handed it to her.
One glance at the cover was enough to make her face turn fluorescent pink. A very handsome, very naked, very well-endowed Elf graced the cover, lying spread-eagled on an animal pelt rug.
The color in her face went from fluorescent pink to dark crimson as she realized the strong resemblance between the male in the rendering and the Elf sitting next to her.
Speechless - one of the very few times in her life, mind you, that she had been rendered completely incapable of speech - her eyes cut over to where the Silver Lord sat.
Celeborn said nothing, but saucily cocked an eyebrow at her.
Swallowing hard, she gingerly put the volume back in its hiding place. "Umnice likenessum, I mean" Trying to cover her discomfort with revelation that not only had Celeborn posed for that rendering, but that Elrond had it stashed in his porn collection - what did THAT say about the Imladris Lord - she turned and pulled out her tape recorder. Setting it on top of the large book that, thankfully, still sat between herself and Celeborn, she turned it on. The tape recorder - notoh, never mind.
Author: SoLord Celebornhow are you this afternoon?
Celeborn: Fine, thank you. Just fine. Wonderful, actually.
Author: I'm so glad to hear thatnice weather we're having
Celeborn: Truly lovely weather, yes.
Author: Umhow about those Red Sox?
Celeborn: Oh, for Eru's sakejust ask me.
Author: Ask you? Umask you
Celeborn: About the drawingyou know that's really what you want to ask me about
Author: Okayabout the drawingwas that you?
Celeborn: Delighted you asked! Yes, that was me.
Author: Who drew it?
Celeborn: Erestor. He's quite gifted. Excellent eye for detail.
Author: Uh huh. Has a bit of a problem with proportion, though, doesn't he?
Celeborn: Oh no, my dearI assure you the proportions are entirely correct.
Author: Eep.
Celeborn: Want to see?
Author: LORD CELEBORN! Please, sir, cover yourself immediately!
Celeborn: Snort.
Author: What are you doing? Pleaseput that thing away before someone loses an eye.
Celeborn: But it's lonely. Come here and make friends.
Author: ARGH! You're worse than Haldir!
Celeborn: Worse? No, no, my dear. Bettermuch, much better, I assure youjust ask anyone.
Author: PleaseLord CelebornI'm trying to be gracious here, butget that thing away from me!
Celeborn: For Eru's sakewhy? It doesn't biteit's winking at you.
the tape rolls on, the sounds of running feet and screaming being heard as Celeborn merrily chases the Author around the sofa.
Celeborn: Now, I wonder why she ran off like that? Skittish young humanhello? Is this thing still on? Hello? I am Celeborn, the Silver Lord of the Golden Wood of Lothlorien. The young lady whose device this is has unfortunately run off, leaving it behind. Since our interview was not over, I suppose that I shall have no recourse but to perform a narrative of the history of my life up until this point
the tape rolls onand onand onand the longwinded Elf drones onand onand on
Eventually, the tape ran out, unbeknownst to Celeborn, who continued to prattle on well into the night