Author: TICS
Rating: PG13
Summery: Glorfindel pays someone an unexpected visit.
Genre: Humor. AU…please do not expect anything even remotely resembling canon here. Feedback greatly appreciated…desired…wanted…needed…:DChapter 16
Erestor's Begetting Day, Part II
At the breakfast table Haldir sat smugly, elbowing Legolas every so often, nodding in the author's direction. Of course, Haldir was under the impression that the big smile that appeared on the author's face whenever she looked at him was due entirely to his charm and devastatingly good looks - when in fact it was simply the author picturing herself hitting him over the head with something heavy later that evening.
The twins staggered into breakfast late and rather rumpled, their hair uncombed, with little 'sleepies' still in the corners of their gray eyes, pausing to give the author a peck on the top of the head. At Elrond's raised eyebrows they said in unison, "We all slept together."
Every head turned to stare at the author, who -when she managed to pick her jaw up from the table - replied, "We did not! They were on the bed…I was on the floor!"
Legolas looked at the twins with newfound respect. "You can reach the floor from the bed? Most impressive!"
Knowing that this was going to be fodder for a million fics, the author turned on the tape recorder:
Author: I did not sleep with them…well, I did, but I didn't have sex with them!
Elladan: You just don't remember.
Haldir snorting: What does that say about your performance?
Elrohir: Our performance leaves nothing to be desired!
Author: There was no performance!
Legolas: I heard the bed creaking…loudly…
Author: That was them.
Elladan: See, what did we tell you?
Author: I wasn't on it with them!
Legolas: Like I said, bed to the floor? Impressive."
Author: Let me make this perfectly clear…I did NOT have sex with those Elves!
Haldir: Well, then…which Elves did you have sex with?
Author: I haven't had ANY sex!
Elrond: Ever? Pity.
the tapes rolls on as the author, sputtering, stares incomprehensibly at the gathering of pointy eared, sex-obsessed morons at the table.
Rumil: I had sex once.
Author: Once?
Rumil: Or twice…
Author: Or twice?
Rumil: Are you a parrot? Twice.
Author: I find that hard to believe.
Rumil: Oh, it was hard, believe it.
Author: Hard to have sex?
Orophin: I thought it had to be hard to have sex…
Author: This conversation is getting out of hand…
Rumil: Getting it out of my hand was the reason I had sex to begin with.
Author: I know that I'm going to be very sorry that I asked, but…why only twice?
Rumil: Oh, did I forget to mention…I meant once or twice a day.
Author: I knew I was going to be sorry I asked.
Haldir: Snort. Little Brother, I wouldn't brag about having it only once or twice a day!
Rumil: With yourself doesn't count, Haldir.
Author: Snortsnortsnortsnortsnort!
Choking on her own laughter, knowing she'd be dead ten times over if Haldir's looks could really kill, the author grabbed her tape recorder and left the breakfast table with intention of finding someplace safe to hide from Haldir until the party later that night.
Later that night…
The Elves positively glowed that night when the Author arrived in the dining room for Erestor's Begetting Day party. She hated when they did that…it hurt her eyes.
"Hey, Rudolph…tone it down a little, will ya?" she said to Legolas, shielding her sensitive eyes.
He toned himself down a watt or two, smiling sheepishly at the Author.
Elrond rapped sharply on his crystal goblet with a fork, trying to get everyone's attention. "I wish to be the first to congratulate Erestor on his Begetting Day! Many, many more, Erestor!"
"Of course there will be many, many more, Elrond…I'm immortal, you nit," Erestor answered under his breath so that only the Author heard. Aloud, he said, "Thank you so much, Elrond. And thank you to everyone!"
A great cheer rose in the dining room - not because of Erestor's words, but because the bar opened up. Like cattle they stampeded, calling out their orders to the poor, beleaguered barkeep.
"Here we go…" the Author thought, watching the Elves swigging back mug after mug. "This shouldn't take too long at all."
"Erestor…I wish to present you with a token of my love and affection," Glorfindel said loudly, slurring a bit, a foam mustache coating his upper lip. He handed Erestor a gaudily wrapped package that looked to the Author to be shaped suspiciously like a wastepaper basket.
"Oh, Fin…you shouldn't have…" Erestor purred, accepting the cylindrical package from his bonded.
Tearing open the packaging, he stared dumbfounded at the gleaming white wicker wastepaper basket.
"Uh oh…this isn't going to be pretty…" the Author mumbled, wincing as Erestor slammed the wicker basket over Glorfindel's head, and stormed off.
Just about that time, two very loud, very off-key voices began singing "The Name Game" song. Glancing over her shoulder, the Author saw Legolas and Elrond arm in arm, swaying on their feet, singing - or attempting to.
"Haldir, Haldir, Bo-Baldir, Banana Fana Ro-Raldir…fee fi, Fo-Faldir, Haldir!"
Surprising, Haldir did not appear to plow his fists into their lovely Elven faces. Looking for him, the Author spotted him droning on and on to Elladan and Elrohir, who had both fallen asleep with their heads face down on the table. Smiling, the Author picked up the nearest heavy object - a silver plated spittoon, and crept up behind him.
"It was then, standing on the wall at Helm's Deep, slicing through everything that stood in my path with my sword…"
CRASH.
"Ooh…" the author said as Haldir looked stunned for a moment, then slowly fell forward onto the table, "that's gonna leave a mark."
TBC…