Disclaimer: Still don't own Re4 or anything resembling it…

Luna: …..Yes I did notice that weird '9:' but I think I know how to fix it. On reflex, I indent stuff so that's probably why. Stop indenting, stop weird symbols….OKAY! CHAPTER TIME!

Chapter 15: A toast to Leon's stupidity.

Leon sniped all the cultists and dragons out, and got a Lion Ornament for his troubles.

He returned to Ashley and they sat in another roller car thing that reminded Leon of a Roller Coaster. It reminded Ashley of the 'Tunnel Of love'. And I ask, who's head is in the gutter more?

"Roller Coaster!" screamed Leon.

They went on it, and it rolled off, leaving them in another area. That I'm too lazy to explain because I assumed you all have played the game.

" That was cheap!" cried Leon, " It was too slow! I want me money back!"

" We didn't pay anything," pointed out Ashley.

" I…knew that…"

Sure you did, Leon.

Anyway, to skip the boredom, I'll go ahead to when Leon and the whiner came to a locked door with 2 statues of a King and Queen.

" What is up with this puzzles?" asked Leon, " Does Salazar get a kick out of rigging his house with puzzles?"

Flashback!

It's the middle of the night, and Salazar had nature call. Unfortunatly, the nearest bathroom was far. Far away.

Salazar muttered swears about all the puzzles they just had to have in the castle. He had gone through the Hedge Maze, solved the wine puzzle and now ended up in the roller car. The last puzzle was the painting where he had to insert the goat, serpent and lion pieces.

" Finally…." said Salazar, "Wait…..I'm missing a piece? The Lion? All this trouble to get to the damn bathroom! No, we can't just get an alarm system like a normal infected family, now can we?…no…"

Poor little midget couldn't hold it in anymore, and screamed, " DAMN UMBRELLA AND SADDLER'S ADDICTION TO PUZZLES! ARGHH…ahhh…."

Back to the present…..

Leon read the inscription of the King and Queen statues: A toast to His/Hers majesty.

" You know what this means?" asked Leon.

" What?"

" Well, its gonna be hard, since there's barely any food around…."

"Huh?"

" We need to find bread first, sliced. Then we find a toaster. We toast the bread, by somehow finding an outlet and Presto! A toast for his and hers majesty."

" Good one, Leon," I said, " It was sort of a corny joke, but points for trying."

" I wasn't joking…." said Leon, seriously.

I sighed.

" Okay, here's the deal. You have to get 2 cups, grails. One for each. Just take the 2 an alternate routes to get them."

" But…..what does Grails have to do with toast?"

" Just do it! Have I steered you wrong yet?"

" How do you know all this?"

" Oh, the Guidebook- I mean, uh the magical guide, of uh, magic!"

" I see, so are you single?"

" I'm your conscience, idiot!"

"….But you have the voice of a girl…"

" So? Now it's like your hitting on YOURSELF. That's wrong…."

I couldn't possibly tell him the truth that his life was a lie and this all just a game….yet….Anyway, Leon was cute, but a bit challenged in the mental area.

" Leon, who are you talking to?" asked Ashley.

" Just the voices in my head." said Leon, with an odd sense of pride.

Okay, thought Ashley, Let's weight the Pros Cons. He has ADD, random outbursts, talks to voices in his head and has the brain of a 10-year old on speed……well…we IS hot….

Leon and Ashley went to get the Queen's Grail first.

They completed a puzzle of stepping on 4 buttons at the same time and then moved on to the next room.

" Time to die, Mr. Kennedy," said Salazar, our midgety bed wetter.

"Oh, come on you can do better than that!" said Leon, " It's either 'time to die' or 'you'll never survive', or 'Mr. .Kennedy'. Well guess what? It's MR. SCOTT KENNEDY TO YOU!"

What Leon didn't realize was that Salazar had already escaped while he was making his big comeback speech. And that the ceiling had spikes on it and was descending.

"NOOOOO!" screamed Ashley, having a nervous breakdown, " Leon, WHAT DO WE DO?"

"……Ada…." mumbled Leon.

" Shoot the shiny things in the ceiling!" I commanded.

Leon shot all 3 shiny things in the ceiling. It stopped descending abruptly.

" You know what this means?" asked Leon, " Victory Dance!"

He did his dance and so did Ashley. Hers was no better than his.

Ashley's dance was high kicks, doing the 'twist' and back flips. Leon changed his dance up by having a full-bodied seizure followed by doing the worm. Those who want a graphic mental image of his dancing, picture a fish out of water flopping about on dry land. Yes, that bad.

" Leon, shouldn't we go?" asked Ashley, " those spikes might fall down on us…"

Leon was waaayyy ahead of her and out the door, Ashley followed him Ashley didn't get far, because she was separated from Leon by ANOTHER GATE. Obviously the makers of RE4 must have some obsession with gates…..

" Leon!" screamed Ashley, as every window, mirror or piece of glass within a 6-mile radius shattered.

A car with 2 cultists driving it appeared, driving straight towards her.

Our army commando man sniped them out precisely, and said " COORS! They had Coors beer….."

Ashley ran and hugged our distracted Leon, who was hung up about drinking alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

" Get off…..Salazar, call me.. please…."

" WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" blurted Ashley.

" I'm sorry, its just….oh…a penny! Weird, I thought they had no American money here….."

Ashley sighed. It was gonna be a LONG day. Or Night. Whatever.

Luna: Yeah, its kinda short but the next chapter will be much longer, its called " Leon loses Ashley. AGAIN." Thanks for the reviews guys! 92.…whoa….that's…a lot…anyway see yas!