Author: TICS
Rating: R
Summery: Glorfindel pays someone an unexpected visit.
Disclaimer: I don't own them…I just play with them for a while, and always make sure to put them back exactly where I found them.
Genre: Humor. AU…please do not expect anything even remotely resembling canon here. Feedback greatly appreciated…desired…wanted…needed…:D
A/N: I have changed the rating of this fic to "R" since it seems to be developing a tad more bawdier than I had first envisioned it to be. I would also like to thank everyone who reviewed thus far…you guys are the absolute best! One more seems to be eating my punctuation marks in this chapter. I've loaded it about a thousand times, and can't seem to get it to read the correct way, so please…insert punctuation marks as needed…:DChapter 20
One Track Minds
The Author found her way back down to the kitchen after having interviewed the King, humming "Hound Dog" under her breath. Seating herself at the table, she plugged her earphones into the tape recorder, rewound the interview, and giggled helplessly as she replayed the entire interview.
Thusly occupied, she didn't hear the Elf enter the kitchen.
She did notice when he reached over her shoulder and pressed the "Off" button on the tape recorder. Looking back up over her shoulder, she swallowed hard at the face Haldir was making at her.
He did not look pleased.
"Haldir…" she squeaked removing her earphones. "What's wrong? Having a bad morning"
"I just met Legolas in the upstairs hallway."
"Oh…well, that's nice. I…um…have to be going now" she said, attempting to rise from her chair. A large hand pushed her right back down.
"He mentioned a few very interesting things…"
"Really? Gee…wish I had the time to chitchat, but I really have to be going…" the Author repeated, once again attempting to rise from her chair. Once again, a large hand pushed her back down.
"Said you and he had quite an exciting night."
"Did he? My…look at the time! I really do have to fly, Haldir…"
"Exactly what did he mean by 'exciting night"
"Oh…um…we played Parcheesi."
"Parcheesi? Is that a human euphemism for playing 'stick the arrow in the quiver'"
"Talk about euphemisms…Haldir, exactly what business is it of yours, anyway? Who I choose to spend my time with, and what activity I choose to fill that time with, is no one's business but my own. Now if you'll excuse me, I've a wizard to track down."
Once more, his hand pushed her down into the chair, this time anchoring her in place.
"It is my business because that poncy Elf is bragging that he will soon be one up on me! He cannot outshoot me, he cannot outride me, he cannot outdrink me, and he will certainly never outfuc…"
"Haldir! Really…such language! Do you kiss your horse with that mouth"
"I should take you right now."
"Take me where? To the opera? To McDonald's? You elves are really getting on my last nerve" the author growled, wiggling out from under his grip. "What makes you so full of yourself? Did you ever stop to consider that perhaps - just perhaps - not every female in the known universe is ready to jump your bones every time you wiggle an eyebrow at them"
Haldir paused, a look of disbelief etched on his face. "That's ridiculous. I'm an elf"
"And your point would be…"
"I'm an elf."
"I heard you the first time. So…you're an elf…and…"
"I'm an ELF"
"Debate really isn't your strong suit, is it"
"I am an elf. E. L. F. What part of 'elf' did you not understand? Great Eru, woman…look at me! Who would not want me" he reiterated yet again, tossing back his long silvery hair.
"We've already established that you're an elf. You're also a conceited, arrogant, and egotistical jerk."
"I prefer self-assured."
"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…"
"I am not a duck. I am an ELF" he roared, glaring down at her with his hands on his slender hips.
"Congratulations. You've just won first prize for having the single most one-tracked mind in recorded history."
"Let us go. NOW" he ordered, dragging the Author up from her chair by one arm.
"I am not going anywhere with you Haldir. I am not sleeping with you again. I shouldn't have slept with you the first time! Let go of me"
"No."
"Haldir"
"NO! If I let go of you, you will only go and sleep with Legolas. That I cannot allow."
"You can't allow? ALLOW? I have news for you, Haldir, you do not have the right to allow or disallow me to do anything! If I want to sleep with Legolas, then that's exactly what I'm going to do"
"Let her go, Haldir…you heard the lady - she wishes to sleep with me."
Haldir and the Author turned to see Legolas lounging against the doorframe to the kitchen, a big self-satisfied grin splitting his face.
"That's NOT what I meant" she yelled, yanking her arm free from Haldir's grasp.
"That is what you said."
"You're taking it out of context…"
"You said, and I quote"I want to sleep with Legolas."
"I did not! I said "IF I wanted to sleep with Legolas…"
"Well, if you are going to get technical…"
"Legolas, she is NOT going to sleep with you again…she is going to sleep with me" Haldir roared, turning to face the Wood Elf.
"I think not, March Warden! She is going to sleep with me. Now."
"No, I'm NOT" the Author screamed.
"No, she's NOT" Haldir bellowed.
"If it will facilitate the three of you ceasing this unholy caterwauling, I'll sleep with her myself" Glorfindel thundered, pushing his way between the two glaring Elves, to the author's side. He eyed the Silvan and the Wood Elf, silently warning them to back off.
"Glorfindel, this does not concern you…shouldn't you be knitting doilies with Erestor or something" Haldir asked sarcastically, earning a snort of agreement from Legolas.
"Do not test my patience, pup! I fought a Balrog…a little snot nosed miscreant like you should be no trouble"
"I fought the balrog…I fought the balrog…we have been hearing about that balrog for a millennia! In case you have forgotten, Glorfindel - you LOST" Legolas yelled, frowning fiercely at the Slayer.
"I did not lose! I killed him"
"He killed you too! That, according the Rules of Engagement for Balrog-slaying, equates to a draw - NOT A WIN" Haldir not so subtly, and quite loudly, reminded him.
"Oh? And what exactly have you two killed? An Orc? A hobbit with a glass eye and a wooden leg could kill one of those without breaking a sweat"
"I was in the Fellowship" Legolas declared, highly affronted.
"YOU were a glorified Boy Scout! You weren't even the one to destroy the Ring…a HOBBIT did that" Glorfindel countered.
Egads…it was getting quite hostile in the kitchen. As the three Elves squared off, each hurling insult after insult at each other, the Author took advantage of their distraction to grab her tape recorder and slip away.
"Now, if I were a Maiar, where would I be" she asked herself as she walked out toward the street.