For Disclaimer see Default Chapter
-Chapter One – Reflections
The office was dark and didn't seem occupied. But at a second glance in the green glow from the terrarium where Mr Spider lived, the interested observer would recognize a lonely silhouette of a man, agonizing, his head buried in his hands.
Not yet another migraine! Grissom had switched off the lights not being able to read another chapter of his entomology book. Sitting in the dark he swallowed some Advils dry. Eyes closed waiting for the pain to retreat he mused Everything is falling apart. When did this start? Grissom sighs. A couple of months before he had been supervisor of the graveyard, five good people working with him. Then scumbag Ecklie split up the team and Catherine took her chance and two of the best CSIs with her, leaving him alone with Sara, a rookie and Sophia. Thinking of Sophia was a waste of time anyway. They both had dinner to discuss about Ecklie and her demotion. He tried to convince her to stay because of the challenge of the job. But her priority had been on becoming a supervisor. She has taken the consequences and decided to move on. Fine! I have to speak to Ecklie. I need a replacement for Sophia.
Grissom though never thrusted himself into becoming a supervisor. It just happened after Holly's death and Brass' demotion. He did not reject the promotion but he did not fall for it either. Gris was never officially announced. It was always by hearsay. But he had to admit that he liked some of the perks that came with the job. Besides the fringe benefit he did appreciate having his own parking stall. I can be so shallow, he thought. No wait, I have ordered some very nice equipment for the lab, which probably makes us number one lab in North America. Well, except that now all money is going into the new facility in New York. But still number two. Moreover is not all about the ranking, it's about the people.
Also he took his chance to bring Sara Sidle in and convinced her to stay after the internal investigation about Warrick. Well, he didn't really have to convince her, did he?
Once, he thought, he had the best team and now is left with… what?
Greg, spike hair Greggo, he is clever and good with people. Somehow like I was myself when I was young, Grissom mused, well, without the weirdness and the relationship issue of course. Like with Nick and Warrick he felt like a father for this young CSI since they were the only family he ever had.
Grissom rubs his face. And Sara, last but not least. Always Sara. He never dared to ask and to look behind what was the matter with her and he never really wanted to be involved with her, in her issues, not safe and far too complicated. Gris had always felt deep inside that bad things must have happened in her past, although he never suspected parental abuse and a mother killing the father. When Sara was finally ready to tell him the whole story he thought himself to be well prepared to listen.
Both felt that is almost had been to late to re-establish at least some kind of friendship level between them. But still it was not too late, they managed somehow.
He remembered her dark brown eyes. Sara, in pain, forcing herself not to cry, not to embarrass herself by showing weakness in front of anybody, especially not in front of him. This time she had lost the fight because of him. Because now at least she had his full attention.
His heart went out to her. He felt for her, completely, obviously, desperately. Nothing more ever happened between them but he holding her hands, tight and strong and supportive. He remembered a lonely tear dropping hot on his hand then searching its way down bound by gravity. For him everything happened. He completely lost his heart in this very moment.
Grissom had lost part of it already when he met Sara the first time but never allowed it to happen that she could have him. What was it she said? That she was attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable. Grissom scoffs. Unavailable? Crap, incapable and cowardly. Oh god, I rejected her more than once. Have dinner? Yes indeed, why not, occasionally after work, always save, accompanied by co-workers and definitely without ulterior motives. Sleep with her? It was quite a bit of a shock back then when she asked. He was so tempted to say yes, right here, right now. Grissom swallowed hard by the remembrance. But he was paralysed by the consequences. Were would it lead to? Probably into a relationship? That would be something he did not allow himself into.
Why do you think she moved to Vegas? The words reiteratively tortured his mind. He smirked. Sara had a crush on him, he knew it all the time. But can one have a crush over a decade? Could it still be more? He remembered the nights they had worked together side by side in silence. He was always feeling comfortable having her around but feeling very awkward thinking of her as a woman in love with him.
Just for Sara he made up the rule that relationship between superior and co-worker is not only inappropriate but strictly forbidden due to job regulations. He was very persuasive and persistent and Sara believed this crap. Yeah, good work, Gil. That's a way of save sex even. Who is trying to rationalize all the time? Nobody in the lab would probably give a damn about office liaisons. Well, some rumours might have spread around, but rumours are going around even when there is nothing behind and nobody would care as long as it wouldn't affect work. Even Grissom did break this rule here and then, and had quite good times with some of his female colleagues, but never relationship of course.
I have to talk to Catherine about that. If we are still friends. Their relationship changed a lot after Cath got promoted to swing shift supervisor. But Grissom had to admit that she has always been the better leader. She knows what has to be done, is good at dealing with people either way of chain of command. And it has been definitely somehow his fault anyway. He did not only recommend her, he supported Cath in persuading and developing her career and he felt proud of what she had achieved. Perhaps I should just drive by as I used to… but no, not possible, due to their different schedule she might be sleeping.
He switched on his computer to write a short note to Catherine: 'Cath, we have to talk, please. Grissom.' And more formally to Ecklie: 'Conrad, I'd like to schedule a meeting with you about options for subsequent operation of Sophia. Meet you tomorrow afternoon. Grissom.' Then he left office, clocked out and headed home.