Fruits Basket: Truth or Dare.
DISCLAIMER: Fruits Basket and all of its fruity characters belong to Takaya Natsuki. Though one day... they will belong to me... One day... when I start taking hallucinogenic drugs and have wound up in a mental hospital. Wait... I think that's already happened...
(Thank you as always to everyone that reviewed. You guys are the best! I love you! Will you marry me? Ha, ha J/K although if anyone is willing/desperate please e-mail me right away. I'll be waiting at the mental hospital. Yay, I got sugar! *Leaps on sugar Digi-riven gave her and starts to rip the wrapper off* Ooh Pixie Stix! How did you know I'd run out? Thank you!! (Momiji suddenly runs in, grabs the Pixie Stix and runs out.) Hey! That cotton-tailed delinquent stole my candy! Now he'll be hyper for the fic and not me! *Pouts* Oh well, thanks anyway. I have more then enough incentive to keep writing since I have such lovely reviewers! By the way brightestnight I loved your idea for Momiji's dare! I think I might run with that one if that's okay with you? I personally don't think it's too mean. Don't worry everyone; I will not kill Haru, I will not torture Hatori too much, you will get to see Kyou suffer in this chapter and I'll squeeze Yuki in somewhere with his boxers. I'm trying to keep everyone (including myself) happy here so be patient! This chapter is one of my favorites so I hope that you all enjoy it!)
After they had cleaned up all the junk from the last dare the Sohma family sat around waiting for Hatori to return from his period of angst. Shigure had turned on the T.V to lighten the mood and immediately wished he hadn't.
"CARDCAPTORS?!" Kyou screamed as Akito began to sing along to the opening theme happily. "DAMN IT YOU MUTT!! WE ARE NOT WATCHING CARDCAPTORS!! TURN IT OVER!!"
"Baka neko's forgotten how to speak in lower case..." Yuki whispered to Hiro and Kisa who snickered to themselves. To his credit, Kyou did not notice, as he was too busy ordering Shigure around.
"No not this channel that's absolute garbage! – Who watches that you baka it's for old phogies who never grew out of the fifties!! This stuff is in Icelandic, do you want to sit here reading subtitles all afternoon?! What this?! Teletubbies?! Are you fucking mad, do you want to give me brain damage -??!!"
"Why can't we watch Card Captors?" Haru sniffed, anime tears streaming rivulets down his face. Everyone looked at him oddly. "Uh... I mean, for Akito's sake!!" He back peddled quickly, pointing a finger at the family master. Akito was braiding Ayame's hair and humming happily to himself; all interest in whatever was happening lost.
Shigure sobbed into Tohru's shoulder. "Kyou-Kun is a tyrant sweet Tohru! I feel blessed knowing that it was not he who became Sohma family master for imagine how I would have suffered then!"
"Shut up." Kyou said kindly.
Yuki frowned and leapt toward the Inu. "Let go of Miss. Honda!" He yelled grabbing a hold of the young girl's shoulders and pulling her away from his cousin. Shigure let go rather quickly, causing Yuki to careen off balance and fall on top of Kyou, who was sprawled in a beanbag. Tohru fell on top of both of them bringing the total of falling over people for this fanfic to... uh author has lost count.
Momiji however did not see this as another dirty Yaoi attempt on the author's behalf, oh no. He was either too innocent, or far too into that kind of thing.
"Ooh! I love 'Piles on!'" He squeaked as he bounded towards the beanbag and leapt on top of Tohru. (By the way, she didn't let her arms go around any of them so that's why they're not transforming here okay? Okay? Good.) Kyou grunted as the additional weight pushed him further into the beanbag. He was having difficulty breathing since his stomach was compressed and also because Yuki's face was pressed up right against his own. Still he couldn't help taking a jab at the mouse, especially at a moment like this.
"Like brother like brother, huh Nezumi?" He said to Yuki's uncomfortable expression. "Ayame will be glad to know that you've followed in his footsteps."
"Just wait until I get up, Kyou..." The mouse snarled, trying to move his lips as little as possible. He didn't want them accidentally brushing Kyou's.
BOMF! Another, lighter weight shoved their faces even closer together. Yuki turned his head in time so that all Kyou got was his ear in his mouth. It was an improvement to what might have happened if Yuki had not moved but it was still rather unpleasant...
"YAY! Pretty Akitty wants to play 'Piles on' too!" Momiji squealed, snuggling up closer to Tohru. They heard her yelp.
"Um excuse me..." She said timidly. "Please don't do that again whoever did... that."
"Do what Miss. Honda?" Yuki asked, grimacing as Kyou desperately tried to spit his ear out and only managing to coat everything in saliva. That cat had an excessive slobber problem.
Tohru squirmed lightly. "Um... someone pinched my backside..." She said blushing.
Kyou and Yuki both vein popped. "MOMIJI!!!"
"What?! It wasn't me!!" The usagi squeaked defensively over Tohru's shoulder. Akito's head appeared from behind his.
"Ah, sorry that must have been me." He said, grinning impishly at the cat, mouse and rice ball. "I... thought it was Yuki's..."
"WHAT?!" Yuki cried, disturbed.
"WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW, THERE'S HARDLY ANY
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HER HINEY AND YOURS!!" Akito shrieked back just as
loudly. Then he started to cry.
Yuki had no mercy. "That's not the point Akito! Why would you want to pinch my butt in the first place? That's just... WRONG!!"
"Oh and what you do with Kyou in those fanfics isn't?" Akito said, his crying stopping instantly. This time it was Kyou who was disturbed.
"You-sh read-sh theff?" He asked around Yuki's ear. Akito gave him the evil eye.
"Now that is beside the point!" He ponced, shaking his head arrogantly. "Fact to the matter is, that I am Sohma family master and I can do whatever I want with my Jyuunishi! Is that understood, Cat?"
Kyou glared. "Undershh-stand-sh shish Akit-sho... Get fu~"
"Uh... 'Piles on!'" Shigure yelled doing a full out belly flop on top of Akito. There was a cracking noise, like the sound of breaking bones and everyone froze in place.
Akito started to howl in agony. "My back! OH my back! Shigure you baka inu I think you've broken it!!" He started rolling around on the ground, clutching his sides and sobbing like a pansy. Shigure had gone white. "OH THE PAIN!! I CAN SEE A LIGHT!! I'M DYING!! I CAN SEE THE LIGHT I CAN SEE THE-"
There was another cracking sound. Everyone looked over to see Hiro and Kisa eating hard toffee that they were breaking apart before they put in their mouth. Hiro stared back at them, mouth full.
"What?" He whined through the toffee.
All eyes went back to Akito who was suddenly looking happier.
"Oh, well that's all right then." He said climbing to his feet and brushing his boxers off.
His Card Captor Sakura boxers.
"Does this mean, we can't keep playing 'Piles on?'" Momiji whined sadly from the top of the pile. The column of people gave a sudden wiggle.
"NO WE CANNOT KEEP PLAYING 'PILES ON' MOMIJI, NOW GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!" Kyou screamed like my old school teacher. Trust me when I tell you that this is scary. "YUKI'S EAR KEEPS GOING IN MY MOUTH AND IT TASTES REALLY –...."
Before he could carry on with his FULL CAPS rant, the door blew open dramatically to reveal Hatori still donned in his Shania Twain attire. His make up was smeared all over his face, his hair was soaked from the rain and he was carrying a bottle of something presumably strong in a brown paper bag by his side. As they watched, he swigged from the bottle, hiccuped loudly and staggered into the room as the wind blew leaves around his form. It was almost too much. All there needed to be was some melancholy music playing in the background and for Hatori to break into song. Again, for those who didn't read the last chapter.
As if he was reading the authors thoughts, the drunken dragon staggered into the lounge room, gazed around at each Jyuunishi member in turn then flung his bottle laden hand out melodramatically, spilling half its contents over the wall.
"All by my ~ *hic* ~ seeeeEEEee~llf-uh ~ *hic* ~" Hatori warbled, with an expression of utmost pain and misery on his face. "Don't wanna ~ *hic* ~ live all by myseee~EEElllFF-uh anymoooooooooooooo~oOOOOOOOOOoooRREee!!"
He then went cross-eyed and fell unconscious to the floor.
Everyone just stared for a few minutes until Kyou went crazy and threw everyone off of him whilst spinning his arms like a windmill. Shigure was more concerned about his comatose cousin at the present moment however.
"Ah... Ha-Chan is not as tuneful when he is drunk." He lobotomized, leaning down to crouch near Hatori's head. "I suppose I should remember that from his 21st birthday party, if he hadn't erased it from my memory."
Yuki peeled himself from the wall and straightened his limbs getting ready to literally swing a cat around the room. "Um Shigure? With all due respect, if Hatori erased your memories of that night then how did you remember it now?
Shigure scratched his head. "Well... I can actually remember the party; I just can't remember him singing. I can remember him getting up on the bar, but that's it."
"There are times I really wish I had Hatori's power." Kyou muttered looking around for a weapon that would repel a five foot four angry mouse. He settled on the Samurai sword in his as- er, I mean inter dimensional pocket and held it infront of him like a swashbuckling hero. You may thank me for the visual.
Yuki stared at the pointy tip for a long time, trying to figure out how he could remedy this situation. Then he remembered his secret weapon. He reached into his pocket...
"Hey, keep your hands where I can see them!" Kyou growled tossing his hair from his eyes. Then to add to the pirate simile said; "Avast me-hearties!!"
"Kyou's just been to see Pirates of the Caribbean." Tohru explained to a confused assembly.
"Hey, I wanted to see that movie!" Shigure pouted, with his bottom lip stuck out. "I heard Orlando Bloom's supposed to be really hot in it!!"
"You disgust me." Akito said nastily, for the first time in this entire fanfic not acting OOC. Then he ruined the entire transformation back to evilness. "Johnny Depp is totally hotter then Orlando Bloom. Tch. Pre-pubescent little Pom. I bet he hasn't got any hair on his chest!"
All eyes turned on him at once.
"Uh... last I checked, neither did we Akito..." Haru said slowly, the way one talks when they're dealing with a psycho. He was.
Akito spent a few moments procrastinating this and then finally, shrugged. "Yeah... I... guess we don't..." He went back to braiding Ayame's hair. Everyone sweat dropped in unison.
Yuki pulled his hand from his pocket in dramatic, jerky slow-mo. As the object of doom came into view, Kyou's mouth opened in a drawn out warbly scream of denial and he flung his arms up trying to shield his face from the horror... the monstrosity...
The ball of wool.
Yuki waved the soft cashmere sphere around playfully.
"Ooh look what I've got..." He said all fake sweetly as though he had simply found the ball lying around. "Does Kyou want to play with the nice ball of wool?"
"No..." Kyou mumbled, dropping to his knees on the floor and rolling around in a fetal position. "No... I won't... you can't make me..."
"Fetch!" Yuki sang, rolling the ball across the floor. The neko was up in a flash, scrambling after it on all fours.
"So round..." Kyou mused, chasing after the wool ball with a hypnotized expression on his face. Yuki just laughed at his cousin's expense.
"Yuki!" Shigure scolded. "Are you still angry at Kyou for leaving that mouse trap in the kitchen with your favorite brand of cheese in it?"
"He had it coming." The mouse snarled as Kyou tossed the ball of wool into the air and started to gnaw at it with his teeth. "This is less painful then what I had to go through so I don't know why you're complaining."
But Shigure had lost all interest. He was staring down at the unconscious dragon with an evil look on his face whilst sleazy make out music played in the background. I'm sure you all know the type; it's the kind a teenage guy would have playing in his room the first night he ever gets some. Not that this is Shigure's case I would imagine but... I digress.
"I wonder..." The Inu wondered, swinging his legs over either side of Hatori and straddling his waist. "... if Ha-Chan would object to me taking advantage of him in his weakened state?"
The reaction was instantaneous. It could not have been more effective had Shigure poured Tabasco sauce down the dragon's nose. Hatori groaned loudly and rubbed his forehead, returning from the world of 'One too many Pink Drink's.'
"Yes, he would." He replied to Shigure's question, all too aware that his cousin attempted this trick on him every time he was drunk. This is why Hatori hardly drinks.
Shigure vein popped and raised his fists to the sky. "W-Wha - ?! W-Why did you have to wake up Hatori?!!??!? I was finally going to win my bet with Aya!!"
"You and my baka brother bet on who could rape Ha-Chan first?" Yuki asked as Kyou wrestled with the wool in the background. "Why am I not surprised?"
Shigure nodded like an over excited child. "Yeah! Yeah! And I was finally going to seduce him and everything! Though, I would think by now I would have already managed it, because I mean, who can resist me? But since I can't remember doing it, and I obviously did do it, because there is no way that Hatori could have refused me, that must mean that Hatori erased my memory! GASP!!" He looked down at his cousin in exaggerated horror. "How could you do that Hari?! To me?! You're one and only love?!"
It was at this moment, that Ayame awoke from his coma, just in time to hear that last comment. Why now after all this time, you wonder? It is because I love cruel irony and we could use a little daytime drama in the middle of all this insanity.
DAY TIME DRAMA TIME:
Ayame's soft velvety blue stained head rose from the bare skin of Akito's shoulder. His temple still throbbed from where the family master had fallen on him but otherwise he didn't seem to have obtained any permanent injuries. (And let's face it, his brain couldn't get any worse then it already is.) The Clothes Designing snake, stretched his tired limbs and smacked his lips thinking back to the horrible nightmare he had just witnessed.
~~~~~~~~~ Freaky Dream sequence! ~~~~~~~~~
He had been at his wedding, wearing the beautiful white gown he had made himself that really complimented his face and hair. A garland of white roses perched on the crown of this head and the usual array of sparkles hovered over his shoulders. He stepped out of his horse drawn carriage, into a field full of cutesy Bambi clones, pink fluffy bunnies and frolicking woodland creatures. Then... he had seen him... his groom.
Shigure.
He was a sight to behold; black hair slicked back, atoning wonderfully to the suit he had chosen to wear. He was running towards Ayame in romantic (More lovey dovey then 'Dramatic slow motion' isn't it?) slow motion, tossing flowers into the air and sparkling so much that the surrounding animals were blinded and fell to the ground twitching and whimpering.
Ayame ran towards him, silver/white (not blue) hair streaming out behind him like some gloriful ribbon of silk. The romantic music started up and fairies flew around in the sky, fire works exploded, the Bambi clones leapt joyfully through the grass and the readers got cavities.
Shigure drew nearer to his beloved and Ayame braced himself for the swaddling touch of his love sweeping him off of his feet and carrying him off into the sunset.
But Shigure didn't stop.
He ran right past Ayame.
Ayame skidded to a halt, arm's still stuck out sideways like a pelican about to take flight. He didn't understand... Did 'Gure forget to put his glasses on or something? Did he not see him standing there? Ayame spun around to direct Shigure back towards him when he saw the most horrifying thing in the world.
Shigure scooped up Hatori into this arm's, Hatori who was wearing a wedding dress that looked strangely enough, just like his lab coat. Please envision this please. Ayame stared at the unfolding horror, with a look of thorough disbelief on his face. All around him the perfect blue sky turned blood red, the grass died, great crevices opened up in the earth's surface and cloven-hoofed demons spewed out feasting on the fluffy woodland friends of the animal kingdom.
"I love you Ha-Chan!" Shigure said as the camera swooped in all dramatically, to focus on his totally over the top expression. Hatori gazed back, love and forced tears in his visible eye. The hair that hung over his other one was tied up, still over his eye, with a little pink ribbon. Eh...
"Oh Shigure... you know I always did love you!" He sobbed, rocking his head back and forth like daytime actors tend to do when they're speaking. "I just... just... didn't know how to say it!" He finished dramatically. Shigure sighed lovingly.
"Let us start a life together and have three children that you will inevitably die giving birth too, leaving me a suicidal wreak that sleeps with anyone just to feel like I'm worth something!" Said Shigure, extending an arm dramatically. Hatori squealed in delight... If you can even fathom the idea of Hatori squealing.
"I love you 'Gure!" He purred.
"I love you Hari!" Shigure cooed back.
"HEY!" Ayame yelled, leaping up and down whilst flapping his arms. His two cousins stared at him lackadaisically. (Cool word huh? Not quite sure what it means, but I think it would apply.) "What about me?! 'Gure! You always said I was your one true love! You promised to never leave me 'Gure!!"
Shigure shrugged. "Hey, don't get me wrong Aya. You're great to play around with, heck even better in the sack, but there comes a time when a man just wants something more then a bed buddy. And now is that time. Sorry."
"But you promised you'd never leave me!!" Ayame screamed in childish aggravation. His garland of flowers fell off and burst into flames as soon as it hit the ground.
"Oh yeah about that... I lied." Shigure said nastily, spinning on his heel and walking away into the sunset. Hatori peeped over his shoulder and stuck his tongue out at the poor downtrodden snake.
Ayame stared after them, tears carving rivulets down his face. He reached a hand out dramatically as beams of light shot out behind him. It was so Hollywood.
"GGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
~~~~~~~~~ End Freaky Dream sequence ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
END DAYTIME DRAMA TIME.
"GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Ayame screamed as he woke up. He fell forward, tumbling away from Akito and leapt to his feet. "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
"What the Hell are you screaming about you ninny?!" Yuki scowled, wondering why his brother couldn't have fallen into a longer coma from which he'd never awaken. Nice little chap isn't he?
Ayame looked around, with a protruding wide-eyed expression much like Tohru if she had just sat down on a porcupine. Then he relaxed.
"Oh thank goodness!" He cried, tossing his long (blue) hair over his shoulder lovingly. "Why, I just had the most dastardly wicked dream ever! Shigure was running away to marry Hatori instead of me! Thank goodness it was only a dream though!"
Ayame gave a gay little laugh, and then happened to see the object of his love straddling the Sohma family physician who looked quite hung over. The laughter broke off into a high pitched girly scream of mortal horror.
"GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HOW COULD - *breathes* - YOU DO THIS?! I THOUGHT THAT YOU LOVED MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Damn! Has that guy got some fucking powerful lungs or what?!" Haru commented, calmly placing a pair of fluffy pink earmuffs over his ears. Yuki was desperately prodding at his ears to try and rid himself of the awful ringing sound that was reverberating through his skull. Kyou had abandoned the ball of wall and was standing up on the tips of his toes, cats ears and tail pointing up and quivering with barely suppressed feline energy.
"Oh AYA!" Came a joyful cry. Unfortunately for the snake, it was not from his love 'Gure. Akito leapt towards Ayame, in a way that defied all laws of physics and wrapped his entire body around the man's chest. "You have awakened! Let us never again let, something as insignificant and trivial as slumber, part us again!"
"Get off!" Ayame screamed for the first time in his life. He peeled Akito off of him like a sticker and then turned back towards the Inu, tears streaming down his face. "All I want to know is why 'Gure?! WHY have you forsaken me for this – this – this, this, THIS SEAHORSE?!"
"You better watch what you say to me about my Zodiac form Ayame, unless you want me to take your temperature Jyuunishi style." Hatori threatened, fishing a very large and very deadly looking phallic thermometer out of his dress pocket. Ayame gulped and back peddled quickly.
"Uh... what I meant to say is; DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE SHIGURE!!!???"
Akito latched onto his arm. "Isn't it enough that I love you, my love?"
Ayame shook him off again as he sobbed retardedly. "You don't count you crazy bird watcher!!"
"Now you all know how it feels." Kyou muttered, behaving normally know that the ball of wool had magically disappeared. Because she hasn't said anything for a while, Kagura made a special appearance just to throw her arms around Kyou and hug him savagely.
"I LOVE YOU KYOU!!" She shrieked in his ear, just about deafening the poor cat. As he hopped about probing at his ear drum and trying to shake her off at the same time, Hatori went and had a shower, cleaned himself up, smoked a pack of cigars (WTF?) and made a batch of rice balls for everyone.
Okay I was kidding. He didn't make the rice balls. That was Tohru's trivial attempt at trying to cheer everyone up, although Ritsu just started to apologize for making her do manual labor and Ayame was too distraught too eat. He did manage to glare at Hatori as the doctor swept back into the room, followed by an over the top cloud of grey smoke.
"Hari... I thought that you were far too mature to go around stealing other people's loves from them!" He snorted, tossing his rice ball at the dragon. It missed by a mile and splattered against the wall, sending rice flying like a mini-rice grenade. Hatori rolled his eye in response.
"For the love of God Ayame, I don't want Shigure!" He said, enunciating clearly so that the snake could understand him. "Shigure is my cousin and my friend (Hardly that) but that is all he is to me."
"Oh Ha-Chan! I'm hurt!" Came Shigure's voice from across the room. He was taking large bites from two separate rice balls that he held in each hand. All readers start having dirty thoughts and get nose bleeds. "I thought I meant more to you then that!"
"Shut up Shigure." Hatori said, nowhere near to forgiving the Inu for the indignation that he had suffered a good half-hour before hand. Ayame looked thrilled.
"They're already having their first lovers tiff!" He shrilled, standing on one leg and clutching his hands beneath his chin. "Soon, they shall break up! And 'Gure will be mine again!"
Akito snorted and spoke in that offhand way so that only the people watching the show could hear him. Although this isn't the show, it's only a lame fic but the same principle applies.
"Not unless I have something to do with it..." He muttered, doing his evil little grin. Ayame spun on him, with a confused expression on his face.
"Hmm? Did you say something, Akito?"
"I said; "And the man at the back said; 'Everyone attack' and it turned into a ballroom blitz." Akito said innocently, with the corner of his little finger in his mouth. He would have looked quite demure and cute had he not been mostly naked.
Ayame thought about this for a minute then nodded firmly. "I thought that's what you said. Anyway, Hari-boyfriend-theif-2003, would you like to select someone to go next?"
Hatori sighed and stuck five cigarettes in his mouth, lighting them all at once and puffing away. I swear this guy will be the next spokesperson for 'Quit' help line. "...I choose... Kyou..." He said emotionlessly. Why he had chosen Kyou is anyone's guess, but I, the author decided to do him next because he has thousands of fans out there and this will create good publicity for my fanfiction. God I'm so smart!
Kagura growled at all Kyou's readers and latched onto the neko's arm. "Kyou-kun is mine!"
"No I'm NOT!!" Kyou insisted loudly as he tried to get away from the affectionate boar. An evil Satanistic theme of music started up and Kagura's eyes glowed red.
"YES YOU ARE KYOU!!" She screamed back, twice as loudly. She then proceeded to bash him senseless with her orange cat backpack. "YOU PROMISED TO MARRY ME WHEN WE WERE KID'S SO YOU BETTER NOT GO BACK ON THAT NOW!!"
Kyou started to cry as he was hammered into the ground like a nail. This was something no one in the entire world ever expected to see Kyou doing, alongside joining the Mardi Gra and offering to be Ayame's assistant at his shop. The other's all stood around watching with extremely shocked expressions, except for Tohru who was sighing and gazing at the two fondly.
"Ah! This is so beautiful!" She squealed, tears welling up in the corner's of her eyes. "Kagura and Kyou love each other so much!!"
Kyou screamed for mercy in the background.
Hiro looked out of the corner's of his eyes at Tohru, wondering just how badly she must have been treated as a child, if she thought that Kagura's decimation of Kyou was love.
"How can you call this love?" He asked, thinking that his tormenting of Kisa was much more romantic. Tohru sighed again with big googly hearts in her eyes.
"Well you know what they say! You hurt the ones you love!" She giggled.
Ayame leapt up in sudden realization. "THAT'S TRUE!! Oh 'Gure really does love me, he is simply breaking my heart to prove it! How romantic!!"
"Well, I guess you caught me out." Shigure grinned, pulling out a wedgie. Those bike shorts were really tight in all the wrong places...
Hatori ended the madness by stomping loudly on his cigarette. "That's enough! Now, we are getting this fanfic back on track and there shall be no more pointless interruptions before this dare! IS THAT CLEAR!!??!"
"Hmph! Hari is just jealous that 'Gure still loves me deep down." Ayame sniffed, flinging his hair back dramatically. It woomfed Haru right in the face.
"That's twice today!" The cow moaned and started up a record in a little journal to keep track of how many people tossed their hair into his eyes. He'd refer to it when he went on his next Black Rampage...
Kagura finally calmed down and let Kyou go, though he couldn't sit down without bursting into tears again. No one ever noticed that Kagura kept her brick collection in her little kitty bag...
"So Kyou... truth or dare?" The dragon asked in his usual monotone. If he was still hung over, he wasn't showing it.
Kyou considered for a long time. "Hmm... dare!" He said finally, puffing out his chest. He didn't want to look like a wimp infront of everyone else, especially Yuk- I mean, uh Tohru. *Cough*
Strangely enough, it was Hiro who came up with Kyou's dare. When Hatori told the neko what he would have to do the poor cat threw a temper tantrum that made even Akito proud, before he agreed to do it. This was somewhat due to Hatori suggesting that he instead marry Kagura for his dare and face a lifetime of torture and pain. Kyou chose the easy way out.
There was a second part of the dare however.
"You're kidding?" Yuki asked the group as Kyou stomped upstairs to get ready. "You want me to do that?"
"It will lack the effect that it would otherwise have if you didn't little brother!" Ayame chirped, trying to shake Akito off of his arm. "Just think of how much more interesting it would be if you agree to help!"
"I don't care how interesting it would be you snake!!" Yuki yelled, almost going supernova on his brother. "I'm not going to do it and that's FINAL!!"
Shigure just smiled and winked. "Very well Yuki. Momiji dear? Go fetch uncle Shigure the phone."
"Righto!" The young usagi yelled, racing off into the kitchen to fetch the cordless. He brought it to Shigure who started to punch in a number.
"Who are you calling?" Yuki asked, thinking that Shigure was up to no good as usual. He was right.
"Yes? Why heee~llo Ma'm!" Shigure sang down the receiver. "My name is Shigure Sohma! I'm Yuki Sohma's Guardian! I was just wondering if little Motoko was around by any chance? You see, Yuki is simply dying to see her and I thought maybe I'd just invite her around so that they could-"
Yuki snatched the phone and ended the call. "Point taken you evil Inu. I'll help with the dare."
Shigure just smiled and pinched the mouse's cheek.
A good half-hour later, they were all at the far side of the very crowded mall. Everyone minus Kyou and Yuki were simply milling around, making out that they were shopping or something when in fact they were there to ensure that Kyou carried out his dare correctly. Shigure was sitting on a little bench with a video camera filming the two teens that had yet to move from their secluded hiding place behind a pole. The pole was far too skinny to hide one person, let alone two but this is a cartoon and the laws of physics can be stretched and manipulated in order to provide an anime character with whatever he or she wants. Therefore both boys were sufficiently hidden.
Hatori and Akito were in a nearby cafe. Hatori was reading the newspaper and smoking, whilst Akito was just milling around, looking for Ayame as he sipped a hot cup of Java.
He was still only wearing his Card Captor Sakura boxers.
Ayame was wandering around in the ladies underwear section in a clothes shop somewhere. Tohru, Kisa, Kagura and Hiro were sitting on a bench just sort of waiting for something to happen. Momiji was doing laps around the mall, squealing at the top of his lungs and singing his little song at the same time. Ritsu was apologizing to a pile of dog poop that he had stepped in. Haru was checking out some trail bikes in a shop window and wishing that he had more money so that he could buy all the bikes in the world. And then sell them for ten dollars each! It was genius! GENIUS I TELL YOU!!
"Let's get something straight here, mouse." Kyou hissed, risking a peek around the pole. Shigure saw his crimson glare and waved cheerfully from behind the camera. "If you ever mention this event again, whether it be to me or someone else, I will throw you down to Hell. Understood?"
"I won't mention it, if you don't mention it, baka neko." The mouse agreed, straightening the neck of his shirt. "Well, come on. Let's just get it over with."
"Don't sound too eager or anything." Kyou growled and then, after a deep shuddering breath, stepped out after Yuki into the crowded Saturday mall.
A silence fell over the assorted people as everyone stopped to stare. You could have heard a pin drop the silence was that absolute. Kyou tossed his head, feeling his face burn with humiliation but he continued walking despite the weird looks both he and Yuki were getting.
Allow me to elaborate.
Yuki, bless him, is wearing an old fashioned suit, much like you would see in 'Interview with the Vampire.' It had a frilly little lace tie thing tied around his neck, with pointy-toed boots pulled up over the tight red pants he was wearing. The shirt was white, but the jacket was a lurid green that only Ayame could have conceived. (I've actually seen a picture of Yuki dressed like this so that's where I got the idea.) He looked strange, but this didn't even compare to how Kyou looked.
The neko was wearing one of Ayame's most un-modest dresses, with slits up the side and a hem that barely covered his ass. (Sorry ladies but I want to keep the rating PG for now!) On his feet were a pair of six inch red high heels, that matched the elegant handbag swinging from his hand and the umbrella in the other. If this wasn't enough, there were flowers in his hair and his fingernails were pink. Pink.
But amazingly enough, this wasn't what alarmed the Mall crawlers the most, oh no. What came as the biggest shock of all was not Yuki in Shakespeare attire and Kyou in drag oh no. It was the fact that the two cousins who so openly despised one another, who tried to kill each on a regular basis, who fought constantly for Tohru's attention, were in fact holding hands.
Yes, holding hands.
I'll give you all the next three seconds to get over that.
"Stop squeezing so hard baka neko, you're going to break my hand!" Yuki hissed, smiling at a little girl as they strolled past. Her mother quickly ushered her away to safety.
Kyou snarled in response. "Gee and what a pity that would be. Can I help it if your hands are all sweaty? Are you nervous about holding someone's hand for the first time nezumi? Is that why you're dripping sweat?"
"Even if I did swing that way, I can assure you that I would not be getting all hot over a baka carrot topped loser like you." Yuki snitched, trying to break all of the bones in Kyou's hand with his own. Oh, yeah, can't you see the pheromones flying kiddies?
"Your dead as soon as this is over." Kyou promised and then concentrated on perfecting the girly walk Ayame had spent so long teaching him. His dare, in case you hadn't guessed by now, was to walk from one side of the mall to the other dressed as a girl whilst holding hands with Yuki. Kyou had yelled that it was closer to being suicide then an actual dare, but then again he had to be strong for his fans who by now I'm sure, are crying.
Oh by the way, please insert your own theme music for their stroll through the mall. I can personally see Kyou strutting along to "Vanilla Ice-Ice baby" but that's just me.
"Oh yeah, that's the way boys!" Shigure cheered in a really pervy way. As per usual. "I'm going to play this tape again for their 21st birthdays! I know they'll thank me!!"
Ayame waltzed up, carting a hundred or so bags from various underwear clothes and sat down next to him.
"Ah! My baby brother Yuki looks simply dashing in that suit I designed for him!" He cooed, sparkling madly. "Kyou could walk more lady like of course... But Yuki's a perfect little gentleman as is to be expected! It does run in the family after all! Just look at how tightly he's holding onto Kyou's hand, to keep him from tripping over and injuring himself! How gallant!" He obviously had not noticed the sour look on his younger brother's face that one could only replicate if they sucked on a lemon for an hour.
Shigure laughed. "Yes, Yuki is certainly a Prince! Though Kyou doesn't act much like a princess. What have you got in there Aya?" He attempted to peek into the bags Ayame was holding.
"Oh 'Gure! I found some simply marvelous underwear designs in this one shop! Though they were of course nowhere near as good as mine." He ego-tripped showing the Inu the bags contents. There were a bunch of lacy black bra's and panties inside that looked suspiciously Shigure's size. "I'm thinking of starting up a new line of clothes in my shop! 'Women's satin lingerie for men!' It'll be an instant success and will inspire all new trends of Manly Romance!" He screamed his logo with the passion of a thousand suns then quickly turned back to Shigure. "I thought maybe you'd help me design 'Gure? After all, next to Tohru you're my favorite model!"
"Yeah, yeah sure whatever..." Shigure said distractedly, staring back through the camera eyepiece. He suddenly whooped loudly. "That's the way Kyou! Show 'em what you're made of!"
"That was an accident you stupid mutt!!" Kyou yelled, quickly scrambling off of the pavement and pulling the dress back down to conceal his butt. His face was bright red. "You did that on purpose didn't you?!" He hissed to Yuki who was standing nearby clutching his stomach as he laughed. Tears rolled down his cheeks from his purple eyes.
"HAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!! That wouldn't make it an accident then would it baka neko?!" He shrieked, trying to compose himself but failing completely. He fell to the ground and started rolling around, tears streaming from both of his eyes, as he laughed hard enough to cause an earthquake.
"I hope Kyou's alright..." Tohru wondered, making as though to stand up then thinking better of it. Kagura was too busy drooling to make an articulate response.
Momiji suddenly dashed up beside Ayame who looked like he was on the verge of tears. Again.
"Hah! I didn't know that baka neko had frilly white panties!" He squealed, causing Ayame to up end all of his naughty underwear. "Does that mean that Kyou's a virgin?!"
"Of course he is Momiji!" Shigure said sounding as though the alternative was a truly ludicrous idea. "Who would want to hop into a sack with someone who coughs up fur balls for fun?"
"This coming from the guy who goes around sniffing other dogs butts." Hatori gruffed, not even looking up from his newspaper. Not that he was close enough to hear Shigure and Momiji's conversation but I figured that he was the appropriate one to make this comment.
Kyou was fed up. He was embarrassed, his head hurt from where he had hit the ground and he had the worst wedgie in the history of wedgies. He decided then and there to be a bad sport and GO HOME!
Which he did and the fanfic ended.
No not really. You should all know by now that I'm not that boring!
Kyou pointed a finger at the laughing mouse, trying to think of something threatening to go along with his accusing digit. Everyone who made a sick joke then can do themselves a favor from me and pat him or herself, on the back.
"I'M GOING HOME!!" He finally decided, because God forbid that Yuki wouldn't simply implode if Kyou were to go elsewhere away from him. With that being said, the neko spun on his red high heels, promptly tripped over them and landed on an old woman pushing a walking frame.
"Uh... Sorry ma'am!" Kyou prattled, trying to remedy the situation. Unfortunately neither the woman, nor the author was in any mood to make it better. The prior started screaming in the startled cat's face.
"HOOLIGAN!!" She shrieked, sending Kyou's hair flying back in the huge gust of wind from her lungs. "RUFFIAN! RUN ABOUT!! CRIMINAL! HELP, HELP!! I'M BEING HARASSED! SOMEBODY GET THE LAW!! HELP!!"
"What are you talking about lady? You didn't even fall over..." Kyou grumbled, as he looked around to see mall cops running from all directions. As they do in the movies but never do in real life. Like all random NPC cops, they looked exactly the same, which leads one think that they are either all related or all cloned. I'm going with that last one.
Yuki and Kyou exchanged a look. No not that look you filthy perverted people. It was a look that translated as; 'Oh-shit-we're-in-trouble' as music of the same name played in the background. I'm thinking the Matrix music in the second movie when Neo was battling all the million and one Agent Smith's.
"Mr. Anderson!" Yelled Mall Cop Clone 1 as he approached. The whole world stopped to stare at him. "Uh... I mean... It's him!"
"The anomaly." Said MCC2, straightening his tie as he spoke.
"Do we proceed?" Asked the third.
"Yes, he's-"
"-Still-"
"only human." Finished MCC1 with a devious look. Everyone continued to stare at them as though arms were sprouting out of their heads.
"What the hell...?" Kyou muttered, wondering if perhaps all the abuse he had suffered that day was finally getting to him. He'd heard that being hit around the head that much would do him brain damage some time soon.
MCC1 suddenly leapt into a full out karate stance, by standing on one leg with his arms extended like an albatross about to take flight. He also made that stupid stereo-type karate noise, the closest written approximation being; "Waaaaaaoooooooohhhhh...." To add to the effect he bobbed his arms up and down a bit. Oh, yeah I feel the power.
Yuki and Kyou looked at each other then back at the cop then everything went into dramatic slow motion. (I can afford it again.) Yuki, thinking on his leather booted feet, snatched the old woman's walking frame off of her and started lunging at the cops with it.
"Back! Back I say!!" He bellowed like a lion tamer. The cops screamed girlishly and ran around in circles, forgetting that they outnumber the skinny kid four to one, that they have guns and batons. Meanwhile, Kyou leapt forward towards MCC1 and poked him in the eye with his umbrella.
"HIYA!" He screamed and then proceeded to whack the shite out of the coppers with his lovely little handbag. MCC1 rubbed at his eye and scowled.
"Great! Now you've made my mascara run you little punk!!" He yelled, stepping on the old woman that had fallen over thanks to Lion Tamer Yuki. "Right! You've asked for it now!"
Suddenly, a million and one identical Mall cops spilled out of every shop in the mall, running in dramatic slow motion as the camera did all these tricky 360 spins around the action. Kyou was spinning full around full out ballerina style (but in a much more manly way of course) knocking cops left and right with his handbag and umbrella, as though they were in fact nunchaku's. Yuki was pushing MCC's back by the dozen, whilst screaming various shit like; "Get thee behind me Satan!" and "Down! Down you fiends!"
The crack of a whip caused everyone to look up. Yep, there was Akito Sohma, in his Cardcaptor Sakura boxers, whipping the Mall Cops with a look on his face as though he were doing a load of washing on a sunny afternoon. He was humming cheerfully as two dozen Mall Cops lay bleeding to death on the floor at his feet.
"~I see a man at the back, as a matter a fact, he's eyes were as red as the sun! And the girl in the corner let no one ignore her, cause she thinks she's the passionate one! ~" He sang, as he whipped the whiskers off of the Cops. Hatori suddenly appeared from nowhere and dragged Akito out of the fray, muttering about how his singing was better when he was completely smashed.
"Hatori how dare you stop me from having fun! It's a good thing that you're out of reach of my bull whip sonny Jim or I swear I'd-" Hatori finally shut Akito up by shoving a ludicrously over sized needle into his neck and shooting him up with God knows what.
"Baka..." He muttered as Akito fell twitching to the floor.
Back in the Matrix fray, one Mall Cop had managed to dodge the wild attacks of Yuki and get close enough to bitch slap the young mouse. At the sound of the nasty hand striking Yuki's face, Haru glanced up from admiring the bicycle that he had been staring at for the last ten minutes and twitched.
"Yuki...?" He wondered, as the camera zoomed in all fantastically to show a stinging red mark on the nezumi's face. Haru started to shake as though he were in an 80's disco. "THAT'S IT!! NOBODY TOUCHES MY YUKI, AND LIVES TO SEE THE LIGHT OF THE NEXT DAY!!!" There was a blinding flash of light and the earth erupted beneath the cow's feet, carrying him dramatically upwards towards the roof as blood rained down from the heavens and the Virgin Mary started to weep. Black Haru posed all dramatically as the sudden wind from nowhere and pointed down at the milling Mall cops below. "FEEL THE FURY OF KUNG-COW!!" He screamed and suddenly leapt from the mound of earth, spearing towards the ground like a meteorite. He rammed into (heh, heh... Ahem, sorry) the cops sending them skittling like dominoes and proceeded to tear all their heads off in typical Haru Homicide fashion.
Kyou suddenly flew through the air towards a mall cop who was leaping towards him with a fist raised all evil like. The action paused long enough for a complete 360 spin around, and then Kyou smashed the cop into the ground with his handbag. The one after him suffered a similar fate with the umbrella and was sent careening up through the roof, screaming like a ninny. Yuki was spinning in a circle, knocking mall cops off of their feet and knocking over the special 360-spin camera. Shit, that thing was like sooo~oooo expensive.
"This is great!" Shigure cheered, as he ran around the action, doing his own cheap 360 special effects. Only someone with as much energy as he, Ayame or Momiji could have managed this and not passed out. "Excellent Haru! But you don't have the right feel for the moment! I want to see your anguish over the mortal dread of you beloved Yuki! All I can see is... erm, lots of blood and-"
Haru leapt up and grabbed Shigure's collar. "If you want to see anguish, how about I imprint it in your face you DAMN MUTT?!"
Shigure gulped and shook his head. "Well... uh, keep up the good work Haru!" He saluted then ran off quickly to film Kyou.
Meanwhile outside, a bunch of vans had pulled up with 'S.W.A.T' written on the sides of them. Butch looking guys in gas masks and body armor, hop out and professionally spread out.
"Secure the perimeter!" The Squad leader yelled, because he's squad leader and he gets to make the decisions. "There's a massacre of our fellow law enforcement officers going on inside! Exercise extreme caution men-"
"And women." Piped up some chick who's name badge read, "Loretta."
"Right... and women." The Squad leader corrected. "Evacuate the citizen's! Do not hesitate to kill! Remember that these are maniacs you are dealing with! They have already taken out many of our men inside-"
"-And women." Loretta corrected.
" – right, and women, and they will show you no mercy! MOVE OUT MEN!!"
"And women!" Loretta whined as she raced off towards the building.
"Oh shut up Loretta!" The Squad leader yelled.
Suddenly a helicopter also with S.W.A.T written on the side, flew up over the roof of the mall and shone its searchlights through the sunroof even though it was daytime and they didn't need to use them anyway. The roof had been shattered by Haru's tower of unholy earth and thus every scream, cry of rage or pain could be heard floating up from inside.
A guy in the helicopter raised a large megaphone to his mouth and started shouting in a stern voice, such as a mother would use when you've failed to hand in your homework for the fourth week running and your teacher has called them to complain.
"SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY!!" He yelled, as the searchlights zoomed all over the place crazily. "YOU ARE SURROUNDED FROM ALL SIDES!! IF YOU DO NOT GIVE IN AT ONCE THEN WE WILL BE FORCED TO OPEN FIRE!! WE WISH NOT TO RESORT TO SUCH EXTREME METHODS BUT-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M SO SORRY!!"
The searchlights came to focus on one single kimono donned individual. Ritsu was standing in the middle of the mall, staring wide eyed up at the helicopter as its blades sent his hair flying all over the place.
"GOMEN-NASAI!!" He apologized in the only way he knows how too: Loudly. He was even louder then the guy with the megaphone and that's telling you something. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU ALL WASTE PETROL AND PRECIOUS TIME BY COMING OUT HERE TO DEAL WITH MY RIDICULOUS PITIFUL SELF!! I'D ASK YOU TO SHOOT ME BUT I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO WASTE BULLETS ON ME!! YOU MUST PUNISH ME!! PUNISH ME NOW!! PUNISH ME!!"
"It's attacking!!" The Pilot deduced as Ritsu's screams threatened to send the helicopter careening into oblivion.
"OPEN FIRE!!" Another screamed, shouldering his machine gun. A million guns started firing at the poor innocent monkey, who despite his eagerness to be punished didn't seem too thrilled at the idea of having a bullet in his butt.
"GOMEN-NASAI!!" He screamed, running for his life. "I'M SORRYYYYYYYYYY!! I DIDN'T MEANT TO MAKE YOU WASTE BULLETS!! GOMEN-NASAI!!" He screamed again, leaping headfirst into the indoor fountain as bullets careened off of its marble surface.
Hatori glanced up from the magazine he was looking at and sighed. "Damn, this is going to be a lot of work to clean up..." He grumbled wondering just how he was going to erase a million and one S.W.A.T members memories. He returned his attention to the magazine whilst Akito continued to spaz around on the floor by his feet, still suffering the side effects of the medication.
"BEAUTIFUL!!" Shigure cried with tears in his eyes. Yuki had managed to pull off a perfect Scorpion Kick that had managed to knock down several cops at once. Unfortunately the cops had all landed on Shigure who was sent crashing into a large potted plant. "OWCHIES!! That was... urg, ... great Yuki!"
Ayame meanwhile, was helping lead some female civilians to safety. (AKA: His car.) Kyou and Yuki had all but disappeared in the midst of MCC's, which had finally spurred Kagura into action. With he beloved kitty-cat in mortal danger, she snapped into full out 'Crazy Kagura' mode and started to beat the crap out of the cops.
"NEVER FEAR KYOU-KUN! I WILL SAVE YOU!!" She screamed, picking up a S.W.A.T member and throwing him up into the air. He careened off into the sky and there was a little ding signaling that he had gone pretty much the same way as Team Rocket in ever episode of Pokemon. Another S.W.A.T member leveled his gun at Kagura, inching his finger towards the trigger. Haru jumped on his back from nowhere, grabbed the semi-automatic weapon and proceeded to snap it in half. Then he broke the half into another half and those halves into more halves, and then he took all the pieces and shoved them down the cop's throat.
"MWAAA HAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAA!!" He cackled, sounding like Akito when he hasn't taken his medication. "THAT'LL TEACH YOU BASTARDS TO HURT MY LITTLE YUKI!!"
Meanwhile, an entire line of soldiers were going trigger-happy on little Momiji.
"He's just a kid!!" One of them yelled, above the sound of gunfire. "How hard is it to hit a kid?!"
But Momiji is just a tad more hyperactive then normal kids. He was dodging all the bullets full out matrix style and squealing like a hyperactive child. Which he is.
Suddenly in the background, elevators cable snaps and the elevator plummets twenty stories down to the base level killing everyone inside. This has nothing to do with anything else that's going on at the present time but it seems to happen in all horror movies so I thought it should have its own spot here in my little fanfic.
Whilst all this great action was going on outside, you might be wondering where our little kiddy friends are; Hiro and Kisa? Well since you asked so nicely I will tell you. They are doing what all kids do when they go on a trip to the mall...
"Hatori can I have an ice cream?" Hiro asked, tugging on the doctor's sleeve.
Hatori didn't even look up from his magazine. It looked suspiciously like a porno. "..No."
"But Ha~taw~reee~!!!" Hiro whined, pronouncing his name as annoyingly as possible. "Kisa and I are hungry! We wanna ice cream!" He stomped his foot as though to emphasize the point.
"I have to go to the bathroom!" Kisa whimpered, hopping back and forth from foot to foot. Hatori finally looked at them, but he did so with his hands on his hips.
"Well you should have gone before you got here!" He scolded the young tiger. "Now you're just going to have to wait until I'm done reading!" With that, he returned his attention back to the magazine.
"But I really need to go!" Kisa sobbed and then suddenly pointed at Akito. "See?! Akito needs to go too! He's doing the pee-pee dance!"
Akito was in fact twitching around on the floor in circles and acting as though he was possessed for a change. Paint me surprised.
"I WANNA ICE CREAM!!" Hiro demanded, more... eh, demandingly.
"No." Hatori said, starting to sound annoyed. In the background Tohru was reading a cooking magazine and 'oohing' at all the recipes and thinking about the great dinner she was going to cook that night for everyone. Erratic killing sprees were sure to work up an appetite!
"I need to go PEE!" Kisa cried, beginning to spaz out in a totally un-Kisa like manner.
"I WANT A GODDAMN ICE CREAM!!" Hiro screamed at the top of his lungs.
"No." Hatori repeated, still monotonously but with a sharper edge to it.
Kisa suddenly lunged forward and grabbed Hatori by his collar. "Listen Mother Fucker. Take me to the toilet, right this second or I will carve out your one good eye and make Hiro an ice cream out of it." She snarled in a tone that would have made Hannibal Lector wet his pants.
Hatori gulped and gently picked her up. "Uh... I'll take you to the toilet then shall I?"
"Thanks Hatori!" Squealed Kisa, suddenly all sweetness again. "And can Hiro get his ice cream on the way?"
"Of course..." Hatori said sweat dropping as he grabbed the kids and weaved through the battlefield to get to the toilets.
"YAY!!" Hiro yelled. He had to duck to avoid being hit in the head by a cop who Haru was holding around the ankles and using as a bludgeon to smite down anyone who got in his way.
"FOR MY LOVE YUKI!!" He roared smacking five or six cops flat with his human baton. "I SHALL STRIKE THEE DOWN!!"
"This is excellent!" Shigure sighed, feeling as though all his Christmas's had come at once. Suddenly, a Mall cop came barreling up to him and attempted to push him back.
"Sorry Sir! No reporters here!" He shouted, trying to shove the camera out of the way.
"I'm not a reporter!" Shigure yelled, offended at not being recognized as the famous author of trashy love stories everywhere. "I'm Shigure Sohma! Author extrordinare!"
The cop blinked at him. "Uh... okay... Well, author, reporter no ones safe around this lot so I suggest you leave..." He reached down and tried to push the camera away again. Shigure leant away from the cop and tripped the eyepiece of the camera bashing him against the nose and causing it to bleed.
"Ouch!" He cried girlishly, touching his nose. "OH MY BEAUTIFUL NOSE!!" He wailed.
Ayame heard of course and turned from the girl he had been 'escorting' to safety to see his one and only love 'Gure... BLEEDING!
"Gure-San's been injured!!" He screamed, shoving the girl aside and running toward the dark haired Inu all dramatic like. "RETREAT!!!"
The music switched from 'Oh-shit-we're-in-trouble' to 'I-love-you-you-love-me-yes-I-do-no-you-don't' romantic shit. With no consideration for the million and one bullets flying around him, Ayame ran forth bravely and scooped up Shigure in his arms. How, we don't know but he did. Don't argue if you know what's good for you.
"Don't worry 'Gure!" Ayame screamed above the roar of gunfire. "I'll protect you!"
"Oh Aya!" Shigure sighed.
"Oh 'Gure!" Ayame sobbed back.
"Oh brother..." Hatori muttered as he dashed past with Kisa and Hiro in tow. Ayame followed with Shigure in his arms and they ran off into the sunset, back towards the Sohma house. Hatori meanwhile had run back inside and was now dragging out Momiji and Akito. Momiji by his rabbit ears and Akito by the hem of his boxers. Ritsu made a wild dash from the fountain at the scream of retreat but still couldn't resist the chance to apologize once more.
"I'M SORRY I DIDN'T RETREAT SOONER!!" He dorked, holding up the dripping hem of his kimono as he ran. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE SWEET AYAME WASTE BREATH BY YELLING OUT THE ORDER TO RUN AWAY!! I'M SO USELESS!! I'M SO-"
"Shut up!" Hatori cried in exasperation as he returned inside the building for a third time. Kagura and Haru were still on rampage and showed no signs of slowing down in this millenium. Hatori ran up to each of them and injected them each with several tranquilizers. When this proved unsuccessful, he just threw them both over his shoulders and ran out the door with them.
"THIS ISN'T OVER!! WE'LL BE BACK!!" Haru cackled and then inexplicably calmed down. "...mooooo..." He drawled lazily at all the dead cops and soldiers on the ground.
"Well... that was awfully exciting!" Tohru chirped to Hatori as they all clambered into his car. (Except for Ayame and Shigure who were off somewhere in the horizon.) Hatori just sighed thinking about all the memories he would have to erase and how much cleaning he would have to do after everyone dripped blood and water all over the car seats.
"... Yeah... exciting..." He muttered.
They all arrived home in one piece and tromped inside to clean themselves up. After they all sat down in the living room Momiji bounced in all happy like.
"All right!" He squealed leaping wildly into the air. "Let's do that again!"
They all chopped him on the head, yes even Ritsu though he apologized immediately afterwards for it.
Tohru gazed up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "I wonder if Shigure and Ayame are okay?" She murmured innocently.
As though her words were some kind of signal, a loud moan suddenly came from upstairs followed by, "Oh 'GURE!!" Hatori shook his head whilst Kisa and Hiro looked at each other puzzled.
"Guess they made up then!" Kagura said cheerfully then looked around as though suddenly noticing something. "Hey... where's my precious Kyou-Kun?"
"Yuki and Akito are missing too..." Tohru noted as Haru suddenly got bad thoughts about the implications of what those three missing could mean. Hatori grumbled audibly.
"I knocked Akito out with some drugs before hand but I dragged him out by his boxers. See?" At this the physician held aloft a pair of Card Captor Sakura boxers that everyone knows very well by this point. The only difference now is that Akito is not wearing them.
Hiro was smart enough to realize this. "Uh... not to be smart ass Hari... but isn't Akito-San supposed to be in the boxers?"
Hatori finally clicked. "Kuso..." He mumbled lowering the boxer shorts to the floor.
Everyone in the room looked back and forth at each other and sweatdropped.
Meanwhile...
At the malls front entrance, Akito is lying face down on the floor being trampled over by the fleeing pedestrians. He wakes up and slowly climbs to his feet, noticing a large crowd forming around him.
"What are you lot all looking at?!" He snapped, brushing off his arms and chest. "Geez, you'd think I was weird or something. STOP LOOKING AT ME!!" He screamed, getting paranoid.
Suddenly a woman near the back of the congregation started screaming something. Akito couldn't make it out very well since his ears were ringing, but it sounded like, "Indecent exposure." Whatever it was, it was enough to herald a fresh army of MCC to come running in at him from all directions. De je vu anyone?
"Kuso..." Akito sighed, to himself as the cops proceeded to tackle him in a completely over the top, football type way. They all piled up on top of him because, as we all know, Akito is such a huge muscle whore and thus needs millions of people to keep him restrained.
Flash back to the Sohma house...
"Hmm..." Haru said thoughtfully, having just witnessed the previous scene through what means we don't know, but we'll just pretend that somehow they all just managed to see it. "Akito's gonna be pissed as soon as he gets back home."
Huge freaking understatement. Hatori thought, rummaging for a fresh pack of cigarettes.
"Well, know we know where Akito is... WHERE, WHERE, WHERE is Kyou and Yuki?!" Momiji yelled jumping all over the place. At this everyone proceeded to stand around, scratching their chins and going "Hmm..." All except Momiji who was thinking lewd thoughts about Yuki in a skirt.
Meanwhile back at the mall behind a door marked 'Private'...
"Got any more bright idea's baka nezumi?" Kyou hissed as and Yuki stood back to back in the dark room.
"None." Yuki snapped back, then offhandedly. "You?"
"Nope. I'm completely at a loss at where to go from here. Although it originally was a good idea to duck in here to get away from the guards I'm starting to think that being out there was safer then being in here!"
"Quite right." Yuki whimpered, and swallowed dryly. A girls hand brushed up against his chest and a seductive voice whispered; "Hello ~"
Yuki and Kyou both started backing off towards the door, trying to keep from making any sudden movements as a figure stepped out of the shadows. It was none other then Motoko, self elected President of the "Princesses fanclub."
"Oh Yuki!" She shrilled, extending a hand lavishly around the room. "You've found our head quarters! Welcome to the Yuki/Kyou fan club."
"The what!?" Yuki screamed as Kyou face faulted.
"Since when was I part of your freaky obsessive little fanclub?!" He blanched, as the blood drained from his face. "I'm gonna have nightmares now, I just know it!!"
"I think we're already in a nightmare!!" Yuki cried, desperately trying to open the door. It was locked of course because it would be no fun at all if it just opened and they got away, oh no.
The fangirls started to move in saying; "~ Hello ~" over and over again, reaching toward the two bishounen's with gang rape in mind. Yuki and Kyou screamed in fear and hugged one another as the camera faded out.
"Hey! Don't you dare fade out and leave us here like this!!" Kyou yelled from somewhere in the blackness. "YUKI! That had better not be your hand that's touching that!!"
"I cant see a thing in this dark baka neko and as if I'd really just grope you there!!" Yuki screamed back.
"WHY YOU-!!" SMACK! "TAKE THAT YOU LITTLE PUNK ASS BITCH!! Oh sorry, about that... no not you ma'am... Yuki?! Where the hell did you go?! I swear to God when I get a hold of you I'll cut your tail off with a carving knife!! Hey, who's touching that?! Dammit let go that's my belt buckle! YIKE!! Not even my doctor sees that! .. That had better not be a cucumber or something... hell if that's you Yuki your DEAD you hear me DEAD!! HEY, DON'T YOU DARE TRY AND TAKE MY DRESS OFF!! YUKI?! DAMMIT NEZUMI YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND SAVE ME!! YUKI!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
(WILL YUKI AND KYOU ESCAPE THE FANCLUB'S CLUTCHES? HAVE AYAME AND SHIGURE FINALLY ENGANGED IN THE YAOI THAT EVERYONE JUST KNEW THAT THEY WERE DYING TO GET AROUND TO FROM DAY ONE? IS AKITO REALLY DEAD AND GONE FOREVER? FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN CHAPTER FOUR OF FRUITS BASKET: TRUTH OR DARE!!)
Phew! Well, was that an insane chapter or what? Sorry it took so long to update y'all but I've been busy with a lot of schoolwork and I only just got around to finishing the chapter. Haru's dare will be up next so please review and any suggestions at all for dares of any kind are helpful. I haven't done any truths so far because I think they'd be a little less interesting but you can still suggest those if you like. Hash I hope I made you happy, you got your bit of Shigure/Ayame yaoi. They make a great couple don't they? Sorry all Hatori/Shigure, Hatori/Ayame, Hatori/Shigure/Ayame fans but I don't really think that Hatori is gay or bisexual he just doesn't strike me as the type! And this is coming from someone who hardly even likes the guy! But I did actually feel sorry for him after I saw some screenshots of him and Kana. Yeah, I know me. Popsicle heart. So I've got a bit of a soft spot for him now. Don't get me wrong though, Akito's still my man!
Akito: You just tortured me all throughout this fanfic!
NaPap: But that's because you hurt the ones you love! *Snuggles him* So soft...
Akito: GET OFF! *Runs away* Crazy girl!
NaPap: Oh I love it when you play hard to get! Oh, and yeah if anyone wants to email me about Fruits Basket feel more then free too! Especially you Akito fans but anyone who is as Furuba crazy as I am is welcome! Oh Akito ~!! (Gives chase.)
Akito: (Holding up crucifix) Get thee behind me Satan!
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