Fruits Basket: Truth or dare

by Hickok

What happens when the Sohma family are seized by boredom and an insane fanfic writer? Easy. They play truth or dare!

5. Yuki's Dare: A little less conversation ...

Fruits Basket: Truth or Dare.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own it. I wanna own it, but I don't. Therefore, it is not mine. To me, it does not belong. In my possession, it is not. Though I want it, I can't have it. The only thing I own is this little fic that occasionally makes people laugh. That is enough for me. Amen.

(Once again, sorry for the late update. I have a very busy school life people and writing chapter's for my fanfics, though being what I prefer, is not going to earn me any money in the long run. Hope you enjoy this next chappie. Especially you darling Kireina. I believe you have been waiting for this one, for a long time! )

"Has everyone given Haru their money?" Shigure asked for like the thousandth time. All eyes turned to Hiro, who was standing to the side hands deep in his spacious pant pockets. Finally their stares became too much for him to handle, especially Tohru's and he surrendered his 20 allowance money.

"This had better be damn worth it." He grumbled, because all he can do is grumble. Oh and complain. Shigure smiled brightly as he passed the note over to Haru, who quickly stuffed the money into his overflowing wallet and slipped it back into his trench coat pocket.

"Now remember Haru, we want as much candy as you can get. Preferably the cheap sort, since it will allow you to buy considerably limitless amounts." The Inu chirped as Haru swung his leg over his bicycle and pulled his goggles down over his eyes. "Ayame says that sour types tend to make you more hyperactive so you may want to take that into consideration."

"That's my dare? You want me to go and... buy candy?" Haru asked dubiously from behind the goggles that made him look like Anakin Skywalker off of the 1st Star Wars Movie. All right, calm down all you Science Fiction freaks. Shigure gave a very sly grin that made the wolf from Little Red riding Hood seem like a misunderstood puppy dog.

"Well... no. There is a far more interesting element to this little dare than just that. For one thing; you can't visit the closest convenience shop, oh no. How simple and boring that would be! You must peddle your little legs all the way to the next town over where you will proceed to buy copious amounts of sweets, lollies and candies. To name a few. Oh and you can't use a map."

Yuki hit him on the head with a mallet.

"You cruel bastard! You know Haru has bad sense of direction!" He snapped as Shigure rolled around on the ground, cradling his head in his hands. "What happens if he gets lost! You know him; it could be days before he gets back!" And we all know what a big disappointment that would have been to Yuki, considering the last chapter and all.

Shigure, being fully aware of this and milking (no pun intended. Okay, Hell there was) it for all it was worth, just chuckled loudly as he applied a bandage to his bruised head.

"Never fear, it's not my custom to keep such blossoming young lovers away from each other for so long!" He avoided a well deserved upper cut from Yuki and skipped over to Haru's side like an expert ballet dancer. "Haru has our permission, vested in us by the Holy author, to ask anyone he meets for directions. Though of course this comes with an itty bitty string attached... As do all things in life."

Chuckling sadistically, the Inu leant in close to Haru's ear. The other Sohma's leaned in, trying to make out what he was saying.

"Whisper, whisper, whisper..." Shigure uh whispered. Haru nodded wisely.

"Hmm... what is this, 'whisper, whisper, whisper' you speak of?" He wondered aloud. Shigure slapped his forehead.

"Oh come on! In episode 10 all you said in Tohru's ear was; "Coonie, woonie, woonie" yet she got the general jist of things! He snapped, grabbing Haru by the inside elbow whilst pushing the rest of the Sohma's back with his foot. "Listen again; 'Whisper, whisper, whisper... whisper, whisper, whisper..." He leant back, staring expectantly at the white haired Ox. "Okay now?"

A light seemed to dawn in Haru's eyes and he nodded briskly, though he seemed none too thrilled about his additional aspect to the dare.

Apparently satisfied, Shigure smiled and ruffled his hair. Hey, that rhymes! "Good. Now you'd better be going if you want to get back by dark!"

"Shigure... it's eleven-thirty AM..." Hatori said as he checked his very atypical doctor's going-through-a-mid-life-crisis-even-though-I'm-not-middle-aged-yet watch. Shigure stared at him from the corners of his eyes and Hatori got the hint. "Ah... of course. Considering that Haru is indeed impaired in the spatial-intelligence field it may take him that long to actually return from his errand."

"You can't half tell the author just had a psychology exam..." Kyou muttered generally. Tohru just nodded dumbly and waved her hand in a wide arch in the air, braining the poor cat on the cranium. As if the guy hasn't suffered enough brain damage throughout this fic.

"Bye Haru, be safe!" She called loudly, even though Haru hadn't even left the front porch yet. "We'll leave the light on for you!"

"I feel so comforted." Haru grumbled shifting around to try and make his bicycle seat more comfortable. Perhaps he should have considered changing into track pants or some sort of material that breathes for his excruciatingly long trip but, no. Because Heaven forbid if Haru didn't stay badass and gothic and leather for just one scene where he wasn't required to wear the school uniform.

"Did anyone else ever notice how much Haru's shirt looks like mine?" Akito asked, wide eyed from the back of the assembly. Everyone turned to look at him in unison.

"I swear that I just left you drugged, doped and tranquilized on Shigure's bed, in that order..." Hatori uttered in something that sounded like wonder.

"I always knew Hari was into date rape..." Ayame whispered in Shigure's ear. Shigure elbowed Hatori jock-ishly in the stomach whilst making the 'Ay? Ay?' noise.

"And what the Hell is he asking about the shirt for anyway?" Yuki mused from over by Haru's bike. "It's not like he's even wearing one, all he's wearing are those damned awful-"

"-Card Captor Sakura boxers." Everyone finished in unison. Hatori rolled his eye, scorning all the comments that were being made in one fluid movement. Let's just say that if rolling eyes was considered a sport, Hatori would be the Captain of his team, owner of three trophies for winning three Grand finals and his body would be as finely oiled as a freshly prepared Big Mac.

"Now, let's get something straight-" He said in that 'I'm about to make a speech' voice he saves for very special occasions. Such as when he's unconscious in seahorse form with Tohru on top of him. "Just because I used a highly dangerous, highly potent, fast acting date rape drug on Akito it does mean I took advantage of his unconscious state-which lasted about, oh I don't know- FORTY SECONDS!" He glared at Akito who simple shrugged and started whistling the 'I'm innocent' tune whilst striking a Yuna pose. A puppy in a field full of flowers couldn't have looked cuter. Even if it was wearing a pair of Card Captor Sakura boxers itself. "It's not my fault that you've put me on SO many Drugs Hatori that I am IMMUNE to them by now!" Akito puffed out his chest in a mock manly way that really wasn't manly at all. Hatori cleared his throat to silence the room, even though it didn't work "mm...Mm!" he did it again, hoping that for once, the group would pay heed to his mighty masculine presence. It didn't work again, he stole a pointer from the current authors Mass Media teacher and smacks the table. "Quiet!"

The entire outdoor assembly felt silent. "Now I have a very important public announcement, but first we should take a look at Haru's current state." He walked to Haru's side and pointed with the pointer he stole, almost managing to put the poor Cow's eye out in the process. Guess that's the 'eye for an eye' policy for you. "This is a bike rider, what is he missing that will make him all the more safer on the way to the candy store?" He waited for a response from his captive audience of the Sohma family. Nobody raised their hands. Akito made an anxious, 'Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!' noise, and bobbed up on the tips of his toes, raising his hand above the sea of uncaring, uncomprehending faces. After all, as family master it was his job to be the omnipotent, all-knowing GOD of the family. Even though he looks like a five year old preschooler who just wet their pants. In or in this case, boxers. Cardcaptor Sakura boxers as it were.

"Yes Akito?" Hatori pointed to him with his cool STOLEN pointer. Akito threw down his arm with immense gusto and struck a Watari pose; one finger extending in that perpetual 'I have all the answers!' manner.

"A small animal to ride on his shoulder!" Akito held out Q-Chan from PSOH and it flew over to Haru, making itself a cozy roost on his wide manly shoulders. Yuki was immediately jealous that he couldn't do the same. "Kyu?"

Hatori sweatdropped. "True…but not what I was looking for…what he is missing-" Hatori swung the pointer around accidentally hitting Haru in the head with it "-is a helmet! Remember kids, never ride without one, it can keep you safe from accidents."

"And randomly flying pointer sticks" Shigure whispered to Ayame, who was attempting to undo his kimono without the author noticing. Hatori handed Haru a helmet remember Hatori's preaching kids. For once he's right! and Haru put it on. It was a lovely little plastic pink number, with bright flower decals, glitter integrated into the paint and Cardcaptor Sakura planted right in the center of the whole gaudy arrangement. Yuki sweatdropped in embarrassment for his heifer lover.

Suddenly, an almighty scream emitted from the back of the assembly as Akito launched himself through the air like Puss in Boots (minus the bitch boots themselves… although… that would look kind of hot) and latched onto the helmet, managing to sink his nails into Haru's face in the process. Like most instances where he is mortally injured, Haru just took his lumps and played the good sport. Even with great rivers of blood running crimson trails down his face.

"Akito? Just what in God's name are you doing?" Hatori monotoned, cracking his cool STOLEN pointer threateningly over one knee. Methinks someone is going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Akito, hyperventilating and foaming at the mouth, threw one rabid glance over at the dark haired doctor. In his crazed state, he looked remarkably like that girl Sadako from The Ring. So much so that Hatori started to feel a little queasy. Than he just remembered that he was hangover.

"Haru cannot wear this helmet!" Akito shrieked, trying to pry the precious helmet off of Hatsuharu's head. Try saying that ten times in a row when you're drunk!

"Oh really?" Hiro asked, crossing his arms over his chest as though he were cool or something. "And why not?"

Akito's bottom lip trembled, great beads of tears hanging suspended on the corners of his eyes. He was becoming so emotional he could barely articulate himself.

"Buh-b-because…" He attempted to choke out. "Be-because…" He broke off wailing like Sailor Moon, except with even less dignity then our dear Selena ever had. "Because it's MY helmet! MY HELMET! And I dunna wan it to get all dirty and scratched!"

Silence fell across the assembly.

Kyou sweatdropped. "In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ-'' He advanced on Akito wielding the aforementioned silver crucifix. Yuki did the honors of holding him back.

"No baka neko. You remember what happened the last time we tried to exorcise him?" Much shuddering ensured, especially on Hatori's part, who had expended thousands of yen into cleaning the green vomit off of the carpet and booking Akito in to a chiropractor. He'd been complaining of a bad crick in his neck or something. Man, exorcisms just don't work like they used to even with the all compelling power of Christ and the fanfiction author to back you up.

"Huh. I don't know why he even has a helmet in the first place." Kyou muttered, watching the barbaric struggle between the skinny psychotic family master and the protective headgear. "I mean, it's not like Akito even engages in any physical activities…"

Finally, Hatori got the hint and pried Akito off of Haru's helmeted head with much difficulty. The family master wailed and carried on a treat until the doctor distracted him by putting on an episode of Card Captor Sakura. Akito merrily made his way to the Living room to perve on Tori. I mean… uh… to enjoy some good clean family fun. Thus Haru was eventually able to depart in peace.

"Ahh… parting is such sweet sorrow…" Yuki mused as delicate dew drops of tears slid across the porcelain arch of his cheeks. Momiji held up a box of Kleenex.

"Nothing feels soft anymore." He murmured, thinking about how much he was going to overcharge the tissue manufacturers for product placement. In case you hadn't noticed dear readers, there has been quite a large amount of free advertising going on in this fanfic already. Not to mention blatant fan service but that's another story. Literally I mean. Read The Game We Play if you don't get it yet.

Haru smiled tenderly and reached out to run one worn knuckle over the soft cheek of his lover. Shreds of cheap tissue paper clung in soggy clumps to Yuki's skin but to Haru he still looked like the most beautiful plague infested rodent he had ever seen in his life. Don't hurt me Tara.

"Yes beloved. But you know what they say; 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'" Haru whispered, feeling in a poetic mood. Yuki's gay pride eyes flashed in recognition and he latched onto Haru's hand, pressing it against his temple and dramatically rubbing his face against it like one of those cheesy soap opera actors.

"Then how much fonder my heart will be by the time you return to me my love!" He spouted the nauseating dribble like a burst fire hydrant. Ayame meanwhile was gloating at the fact his little brother was finally starting to loosen up and live up to the tailors own eccentric standards. Ayame couldn't have been more proud of his little mousy sibling.

"Oh Yuki!" Haru gushed.

"Oh Haru!" Yuki gushed back.

"Oh GOD!" Kyou exploded, finding this whole affair a very religious experience. "Just get GOING already!" With that declaration he forcefully pushed the back of the bike seat, causing it and the mounted Hatsuharu to wobble along unsteadily for at least five or six feet, before tipping over on its side, crushing Haru's leg beneath it. Typically though, the cow didn't even make a noise to announce his discomfort. His face had that perpetually glazed look that all Yuki fangirls seem to posses. Sort of like a zombie, only a little more spaced out. Q-Chan had managed to get out of being squashed at the last second and was happily bouncing up and down on the pavement beside Haru's head, poking his prone cranium with one small foot.

Yuki smashed Kyou in the face with the STOLEN pointer stick. "YOU BAKA! (Translation to those who speaka de Engrish: I am displeased with your actions, sir.) "You could have killed him! Even with the cheap, pink and plasticy piece of-'' Yuki swallowed dryly as Akito's warning eyes peered out from the front door with promise of much violence dancing in their murky black depths. " – um… I mean that absolutely fashionable fabulous protective headgear." Well of course it's fabulous Yuki. It's a Cardcaptor Sakura helmet. How can Cardcaptor Sakura be anything but fashionable?

"OMG! I think you broke my nose you damn rat!" Kyou howled, falling to the ground and clutching his bleeding smell stimulus. (Translation: May God adhere to this misery. I disapprove of your methods in resorting to violence in order to solve your interpersonal relationship issue's, Yuki.") Kyou glared at the author, not whole heartedly agreeing with her conveyance of his current feelings. But what can I say? I've never been a very good translator.

Yuki threw the bloodied pointer onto Kyou's curled cadaver and his eyes creased affectionately as he made his way over to Haru, who hadn't yet moved to raise himself from his crippling position. The silver haired boy lifted the bike off of the white haired ox, helping his smooth down his leather pants. Particularly around the ass area. Hey, what are you people thinking? Don't, that's sick. This fic is nothing but good clean fun and here you are misinterpreting everything I say as per usual. You make it sound as though Yuki just wanted an excuse to grope Haru's buttocks. Why does he need an excuse? He can do that any time he wants.

"Are you all right?" Asked the concerned rat, rubbing his hand through Haru's messy head of hair. Haru was about to reply in the affirmative, when he was interrupted by none other than Ritsu and Tohru.

"I'M SO SORRY! FORGIVE ME!" Ritsu screamed, running towards the two boys with both arms swinging in circles at his sides. He looked like a little toy airplane about to take off. "I should have made sure that Haru's bicycle was stable before Kyou tried to considerable send him on his way! It's all my fault! Here!" With this, he threw himself to the cement with cranium cracking force, aligning his head with the currently horizontal front wheel of the bike. "Run my head over as punishment! Let me wear the tire marks as proof of my repentance! Or even better, you could bounce the wheel on my temple a few times and you could just splatter my useless brains across the concrete! I cause nothing but trouble! DO THE WORLD A SERVICE I BEG YOU! PUNISH ME LIKE THE SOCIAL CRETIN I AM! GOMEN-NASAI!"

Before Yuki and Haru could politely enquire that he would do well to tie his lips in a knot for a good twenty-four hours, Tohru intervened, insistently wrapping about a years supply of bandages around Haru's head and helmet. Now he looked like a walking advertisement for Sorbent. That or a direction impaired Mummy with the ability to turn into a peaceful grass grazer.

"Uh, Miss Honda? I really don't think that's necessary-'' Yuki began but was interrupted by another string of determined suggested implements for evil monkeys who stood by and allowed the evil of the world to strut its stuff without even raising a hand. Yuki fumed and wondered if anyone would hold it against him if he bound Ritsu's mouth up with bandages. Unfortunately Tohru had used them all on Haru's seemingly unbruised skull. The rat hung his silver head and made a vow there and then to enter therapy once this whole fic was over and done with. Similarly, Haru suddenly felt glad about his unexpected detour to the next town over, even if it meant he would have to part ways with his first and only love for good while. Damn this is sadder than the scene in Titanic when Rose hopped in the life boat and was about to leave Jack behind. … Oh who am I kidding. This scene is a hell of a lot sadder.

Before Yuki could descend any further into angst, Haru smiled his plaintive and gentle smirk and quickly leaned forward to deposit a kiss on his beloved's lips. Then he climbed to his feet and winked down at him.

"Well, looks like I've got me some candy to buy. See you when I get back." He said in a tone so seductive it would have made Madonna slither out of her cone cups. Yuki's mouth was slightly agape, drool hanging from one corner eloquently. He absently wiped it on the hem of Tohru's dress (who naturally let him do so without a single word of objection) and tried to talk without fumbling his words.

"Shmoovle doyble drabble wallop ddadiffa sciffa." Said Yuki. Which translated means: 'Shmoovle doyble drabble wallop ddadiffa sciffa.' But Haru understood.

For some things in life there are no words.

With that sexiness so well displayed in his very first appearance, Haru swung his leg over the bike, pulled on his bike goggles and struck a complimentary pose as the camera panned over his delectable profile and the bright purple bicycle, complete with white whicker basket and little tassels hanging off of each handle. Q – Chan chirped merrily and hopped into the whicker basket, looking quite pleased at being included in this little adventure. He was in Akito's possession after all and who knows what our favorite family bully does to that cute little critter in his spare time. … Forget I asked. I don't wanna know anything about Akito's kinks.

… Then again… maybe I do…

With one last wink at Yuki, Haru turned and cycled into the sunset, ringing his little bell as he went. His journey to North Dakota had begun!

…wait…I mean the next city over.

Yuki looked dramatically into the sudden morning wind from nowhere. A little saliva shone on his chin but it could have easily been missed if I hadn't pointed out. Call me cruel… but I did. Sue me

"Good bye… Haru…"

SNAP, Crackle, POP-

"Calling all comedy fans, calling all Fruits Basket fans! Rice Crispies, they make noise in the bowl!" Shigure held up a bowl of Rice Crispies.

"Part of this complete breakfast!" Aya added for good measure. Hatori sweatdropped "I knew letting them listen to those old Dick Tracy tapes was a bad idea."

Yuki sighed, watching Hatori apply plaster to Kyou's broken nose with thinly veiled amusement. "I know this is a really bad subject to bring up but don't you think we should continue the game' till Haru comes back so the readers don't get bored?"

Because woe descend if the readers ever got bored. Not on my dragonfly shaped watch, sonny Jim!

Shigure and Ayame stopped their shameless advertisement and walked back to the sitting area. However, they made sure to keep up the 'subtle' product placement by pushing a bowl of Rice Crispies into every shot. Hey, how do you think they managed to find the money to repair Shigure's house all the time? You didn't really think the Main House actually funded that shit do you? Ah my naïve young ones. Would Akito be wearing those Cardcaptor Sakura boxers for anything other than advertising?

… Why are you all looking at me like that?

"Uh… so whose turn is it?" Shigure muttered, pretending he didn't know the author as he looked around the room. This sort of snobbery was usually extended towards him rather than the other way around. Now that's telling you something.

Ayame had a brilliant solution. "Well since he suggested it, I say Yuki goes next!"

Yuki looked around startled "Me? Oh no." Yuki started to back away slowly only to be caught by an energetic Shigure.

"Alright Yuki; Truth or Dare?" The dog had a scary grin on his face, kind of like the dentist used to give you whenever you turned up to an appointment without your parents. The look that said 'I've-got-me-a-new-set-of-hooks-and-scary-metal-instruments-and-we-need-to-ration-our-laughing-gas-so-there'll-be-no-piss-weak-numbness-today!' This sort of expression is usually followed up by some clumsy advance but fortunately Yuki was a big boy and knew how to handle himself. He also knew where Shigure slept and how to apply a pillow to a slumbering persons face. Shigure and Kyou had already learnt this the hard way. Not that Kyou would try to hump Yuki, no. Kyou hates Yuki. He haaaaaates Yuki. He definitely does not want to yaoi or shounen-ai or hentai with him. (Translation: No eating here tonight.)Yuki quivered at the idea of the type of Truth Shigure and Ayame would come up with him, Dare didn't seem like much of an alternative but it was better than having to admit to any number of his embarrassing secrets. Such as his hidden stash of 'Fake' manga's, hidden underneath a loose floorboard in Akito's room. Or the late night 'tickle sessions' he and Kyou engaged in. Or the time he put salt in the milk. Or when he sold Shigure's smut on E-Bay so that he could afford more episodes of Fake. Or the time he visited "Muraki's Doujinshi delight' to look up the amount of doujinshi there was that involved him and Haru and him and Kyou… and even more disturbingly, him and Ayame. No, he most definitely didn't want anyone to know about that. There was only one solution. Besides imminent homicide, suicide or fainting. That solution was…

"...Um…dare?"

Shigure let go of Yuki and started to think, pacing back and forth across the room in a very indecisive and in Ayame's opinion (not to mention the authors) kind of arousing manner. Shigure thought for a long time. So long in fact that the winters blew by, summer came, the cherry blossom front moved up and down the country thrice, Akito grew out of his Cardcaptor Sakura boxers and…no I'm kidding! That would imply that Shigure was thinking for a century and I don't think my bladder (not to mention my sanity) has that kind of a stretch in it to keep this fanfic going for that long. Moments later, Kyou had come up with a momentous idea. Momentous I say! It came to him whilst he was staring at the empty and still dripping fire extinguisher propped by the front door. A light bulb came on over his head. It was 74 watt. Kyou resolved to have a little word to the animators about that, just as soon as this fanfic was over.

"I say we throw him to the fangirls in the nude!" Kyou bellowed, grinning just like the scary dentist. Whether it was because he was about to do something indecent to a poor, helpless and naked Yuki is merely just wishful thinking of many Kyou/Yuki fangirls. Because the whole rivals secretly wanting each other thing so doesn't work ladies. I mean, look at Muraki and Tsuzuki. They have no chemistry whatsoever.

Shigure waved his finger like a disapproving parent. "Now, now Kyou, ratings dear. (Unaware that this fic should actually have a higher rating as a result of the swearing, adult content, sexual references and indecent exposure already) But that is a good idea. How about in his boxers? Like Akito is." They all looked over to Akito who was still attempting to look manly despite his Card Captor Sakura boxers. Which was no difficult task. I mean, it's not like Akito's a girl or anything.

"Sounds good to me." Kyou shrugged, secretly just wanted to see Yuki in his boxers because we all know he is secretly digging on our sweet little mousy-poo. Whoops, did I just spill the baked beans? Yuki blushed, wondering if there was anything behind Kyou's choice of words. 'Sounds good to me' sounded like something his fangirls said as news spread about him being dressed as a girl that one unmentionable occasion. Gross… he actually said Tohru would look cute in that episode. COOTIES!

"Well I uh…"

Ayame positioned himself in front of Yuki and pointed down upon him all dramatically.

"Yuki, as your older brother, I command you to strip for me!" Came the inappropriately booming voice from somewhere deep in that pretentious snakes chest.

Everyone morphed into little sausage people with the random beeping noise you hear like when the fangirls found out Yuki ate leeks in the dub. This means the general population is completely and utterly… baffled. Or maybe they're turned on. Though the image of wobbly sausage people doesn't exactly spell out arousal to me, though it is somewhat Freudian. What do you guys think? Get back to me on that will you?

"That sounded dirty" Momiji giggled, referring to Ayame's command and not the authors' musing's on sexual representation in anime. Or he could have been referring to both. Why not? Hatori was too amazed by Aya's stupidity to say anything as per usual and Shigure was trying, not succeeding in the urge not to laugh. He cupped a hand over his mouth, attempting to smother his escaping chortles and only managed to produce an eloquent series of raspberries into his palm. This just made him laugh even harder, causing even bigger and more slobbery raspberries. Finally, he couldn't handle it any more.

"...b…bw…bwhahahahahahahaha" Shigure feel over clutching his sides. Yuki gave Ayame a look that could kill then started to strip down to his boxers blushing. Tohru covered her face and all the fangirls reading this thought she was nuts and started staring indecently at Yuki stripping. Perverts. You should be ashamed of yourselves. And don't even think about using my crude obsession with men wearing women's clothes and underwear against me. It won't work. I'm not ashamed of my addiction. I enjoy it. You're all just jealous you didn't think of dressing Akito up in a maid's outfit first.

Akito looked up confused. "Huh? B-but… I'm not wearing a maid's uniform…" He looked down at himself to confirm this and starting screaming his pretty little head off. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I am wearing a maid's uniform!"

"Well… spank my ass and call me bitch, so you are." Shigure chirped, praying Akito wouldn't actually take him up on his offer. There'd already been way too many fanfics like that, not to mention fanart and doujinshi visually demonstrating it for his, not to mention Ayame's comfort. But Akito was too busy having a hissy fit to bother exacting his evil sexual urges over his favorite doggy. Besides that relationships primarily centered in the manga anyway and lord knows they don't know what the hell they're doing.

"But… but… why am I in a maid's outfit?" He extended running over to a mirror to look. The outfit was black, lacy around the edges with a little white apron down the front. There was even a little bonnet hat on his head and a feather duster in one hand. It was a harassment suit waiting to happen. It was naturally short enough that nothing was left to the imagination. Akito turned around, trying to see what kind of underwear he had on. He paled. It was underwear as disgustingly pervy as anything Ayame would make, sell and wear. Some sort of lacy thong number. Akito fell to the floor, modestly somehow and started wailing at the ceiling. "WHERE ARE MY BOXERS! I WANT MY MAGIC BOXERS BACK! GIMME MY BOXERS BACK YOU UNHOLY SADISTIC BITCH!"

Akito soon learnt that that kind of language was not appropriate, especially in reference to the author who had you in her power. After a polite 'Ka-ching' wipe that replaced a small censored period of foul language, much plushie throwing, adult content and a bit of quite necessary uke whipping, the scene reopened on everything as it was before. Only the author was sweating a little and Akito was the cute and perky model of cooperation that had nothing further to say on the issue of his sexy boxer less predicament.

Which, as it is, has to do with the fact that my friend Tara wrote the following strip scene of Yuki Sohma and I, not being a drooling, squealing Yuki fangirl myself, needed something to occupy my attention whilst this blatant extortion of the Princes body is going on. It's only fair.

"Yes it is, ma'm!" Akito perked, striking a cute schoolgirl pose and resting the fluffy duster on one shoulder. Kyou tried to rotate his attention between Nemesis No. 1 and 2 like he was trying to decide which one was better to look at. Kind of like comparing infinity with infinity and one. He finally settled on Yuki, because he was going to be showing more flesh than Akito presently was. There can only be one boxer donned person in this fic at any given time (except for the beginning when Akito and Shigure were having the Tarzan stand off) and Yuki was about to become that lucky individual.

He undid the ties on his Chinese shirt and began to strip his shirt off, revealing his creamy white skin I'm going for a bit of fan service. His white oriental garment fell to the floor as a slight flush played along Yuki's cheeks.

"Wow the authoress is really getting into this description isn't she?" Shigure commented. Ayame went to reply when a bright light flashed from the kitchen and he and Shigure were lured inside as though pulled by an invisible hand. Meanwhile Yuki was involved in the tenacious task of undoing his pants, the tight blue ones that show off his perfect (skinny) figure. Showing us just the top of his white boxers, his blush turned harsher as he slid down his pants to show what he was wearing. Was it boxers or briefs? Were they black or 'Like a Virgin' white? Were they print or were they polka dotted? My dear readers they were –

"HELLO KITTY BOXERS?" Kyou exploded and then died laughing at the Hello Kitty prints on Yuki's boxers. Hiro and Momiji started laughing into tears, as Tohru and Kisa tried to maintain a polite silence. Ritsu started to cry because he hadn't found a reason to apologize to anyone for a good ten minutes and it was making him paranoid.

"Someone has a cat fetish! Perhaps the author put you with the wrong guy?" Hiro snickered.

"It! It's not like that" Yuki blushed harder.

"Right, right, whatever you say Yuki." Hiro waved his hand in the air.

"Really! They were on Sale at JC Penny's!" Yuki insisted, going redder than a Frankfurt in ketchup. Kyou rolled in laughter, tears streaming down his creased expression. Though deep down he was actually quite flattered that Yuki was wearing boxers that sort of related to him so well. Still, it would be a while before Kyou would ever admit to wearing Tom and Jerry boxer shorts no matter how soft, silky and manly they were.

Momiji wiped away a few stray tears and tried unsuccessfully to compose himself. It was difficult though considering that there were currently two teenage men in the room, one who was wearing a maid's outfit and the other who was standing there near-to-stark with only a pair of pink and white boxers keeping him from complete and censored nudity. This was the thing that family soap opera's were made of.

"Now all you have to do is walk to the president of your fanclubs house and knock on the door!" The bunny squealed as though this was as easy and biking to the next town over for candy or something. "I'll call before hand and make sure she calls the other girls over!"

As Momiji ran off to add a couple of dollars to Shigure's already insulated phone bill, (phone sex with Ayame isn't as cheap as he is, you know) the owner of the establishment suddenly came staggering back into the Living Room, a bottle of something that smelt dangerously of alcohol clutched in one hand. He took a swig of it and pulled a stupid drunken Kaoru expression.

"GUESS whut!" He said, pronouncing the 'what' like a hill-billy. Everyone obligingly enquired as to 'what' this 'whut' could be. Shigure grinned like a maniac and jerked his thumb over his shoulder, nearly putting out Ayame's eye as the snake bounced into the room, clutching at least two bottles in each hand. Probably one in his foot as well.

"Someone left like a … like a… forever supply of alcoholic beverages in the kitchen!" Shigure hiccupped, bouncing around like the queer little hyper-holic he is. "It's just- sitting there on the floor. All lonely and by itself! Aya and I just HAD to help it!"

Ayame nodded and hiccupped. "Call it a - hic- adult obligation!"

The others looked back and forth between each other and slowly shook their heads. Yuki smacked his face down into the palm of his hand.

"They're drunk. Great… this dare just got a whole lot scarier than it seemed ten seconds ago…"

Hatori pulled out his cigarette packet only to notice that he'd smoked every single last lovely stick of cancer his possession. He cursed internally, wishing he'd requested Haru make an unannounced detour to stock up for him. Even though Haru was underage. Hatori wasn't sure how he would be able to handle a drunken Shigure and Ayame out in broad daylight. Unless he got drunk himself and there was no way he was doing that with the intoxicated presence of his two ambiguous friends, both who still had their on going dare on who was going to do him first. Besides he still had a hangover.

"How did a… uh… forever supply of alcohol, manage to get in our kitchen?" Kyou wondered, clearly underestimating Shigure's hoarding ability. That and the authors' ploy to keep the readers interested by introducing as many hindering elements into this fic as possible. Not to mention fan service and product placement.

"I dunno!" Ayame trilled like the little boy on the tricycle in The Incredible's. "It was like a… MIRACLE!" He sighed. Then he drained the two bottles in his hand and morphed into a giant expando head, complete with a scary toothy grin. "You know Kyou, after a few drinks you look kinda hot. Wanna get a room? He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he…"

"Oh God… now he's turned into Hakushaku…" Hatori moaned as Ayame started to chortle lecherously in the background. Ritsu in the meantime was hyperventilating. Finally! Something he could hate himself for! He interrupted the whole happy affair by throwing his arms skyward and screaming in that feminine tone of his that makes Michael Jackson sound like a manly baritone.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'M SORRY! I can't believe I let Ayame and Shigure get drunk like that! I should have taken responsibility of that poor defenseless alcohols loneliness! Allow me to drink it all, that I might get blood or alcohol poisoning and die as some small way of forgiving my egregious act!"

Under normal circumstances, Shigure wouldn't have let Ritsu within twelve feet of his booze without a handy safety harness. But at the presence moment, he was simply too drunk to think rationally. Amazing how quickly he put away all that plonk. In 2 minutes he drank enough to completely trash himself and in Shigure's case you know that has to be a damn lot. Oh my…

"Sure Ri, you go right ahead!" Giggled Shigure, waving a hand about lambently. Hatori tried to stop him but alas, it was too late. In his desperate quest to punish himself for being a hideous pimple on the butt of life, Ritsu had unloaded what remained of the liquor into his until now, healthy and functioning liver. This changes his role considerable and allows the author a bit more flexibility from now on. Hey, it gets boring just having him apologize all the time! Now, he's the new and improved; 'DRUNKEN MONKEY!' Observe:

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYY! Hey baby!" Ritsu sang as he can-canned his way out of the kitchen. Everyone stared at him in mortal dread as he pelvic thrust-ed to the 'Ooh! Ah!' part of the song. He danced over to Akito, who was busy dusting some incredibly high surface and went down on his knees before him. "I wanna knoOOOOOOOOoooooooooWWWWww! OHHHhhhh! If you'll be my girl!"

Akito quickly concealed his buttocks with what currently existed of the skirt (let's just say the bottom half of this maid's outfit was so… MIA, it could have passed for a belt) and batted Ritsu over the head with the feather duster.

"No I bloody well will not!" He snapped as Ritsu's allergies began to react to all the dust in the fluffly implement. "Because for one; I'm not a girl! Where the hell do these rumors get started! WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I'M A GIRL OLD MAN! PEOPLE HAVE BEEN CALLING MY PRIVATE NUMBER FOR MONTHS NOW AND ASKING WHY I'VE HIDDEN THE FACT I'M A GIRL! I'M NOT A GIRL! I'M A MANLY BOY! MANLY I SAY! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!"

He was wearing a maid's outfit.

Ayame pelted across the room and threw himself happily about Akito's waist, burying his face into the soft fabric of the maid's outfit. Akito shrieked, no longer favoring Ayame's advances now that his Magical Pair of Cardcaptor Sakura boxers were on ice until Yuki's dare was finished. It just wasn't the same in an itsy bitsy teeny weenie black and frilly maid's outfit.

"Don't worry Pretty Akitty! I think you're VERY manly! And very sexy in frills!" The amorous snake squealed, rubbing up against Akito like a dove in heat. He was even making the crooning love sick noise. "All this silky fabric, those long slender legs, the cute little thong – OH I must have you! Kiss me you fine looking man meat!"

Ritsu tugged Akito back firmly. "Ayame! How dare you try and steal my fine-looking and striking family bully from me! I'm afraid I don't approve of this union! I wouldn't send you a postcard on your honeymoon if you decided to marry!"

"Ayyyaaa" Shigure whined from somewhere in the background.

Kyou sweatdropped and put on his best negotiators face. "Uh… guys? Shouldn't we let that damn nezumi do his dare now? We've been screwing around here for god knows how l-'' Whatever he had been about to say was somewhat obscured as the author suddenly remembered that Kagura was in this fic too and the ardent boar came flying back in from nowhere and wrapped herself around Kyou like cheap wrapping paper.

"My love!" She crooned.

"My GOD!" He screamed back, reminded all too well of his prior experience with the awful and terrible fangirls of the Yuki/Kyou fanclub. Not that they didn't have the right idea but… they were just so damn creepy! Not that Kagura was any better mind but still, the preference is usually the evil you know whence compared to the evil you usually cross the street to avoid. Yes my dears, that is the evil of the obsessive fangirls.

Tohru watched the whole debacle unfold with that usual strained and stripy expression. She took a step forward, one hand raised diplomatically as Kyou and Akito found themselves at the mercy of sexual molestation in individual corners of the room. You may think me for instilling the image later. I'm free tonight.

"Um… excuse me?" She meeked but was held back by a brighter faced Yuki. Her face flushed as her eyes caught site of his presently unclothed stature but she tried to be mature about it. Damn, that girl's had the good fortune to see members of this household naked how many times and she still reacts like someone just pressed a burning hot iron to her face. Something I would like to see but I digress…

"Let them squabble Miss Honda. The longer they behave like this, the more likely the chance that they'll forget all about this stupid little dare they're going to make me do."

Ha. You think so baby.

"Dammit Ayame! Get your face off of my crotch!"

"But Akito! It's not on your crotch! It's on your tummy! "

"You call that my tummy!"

"Well… maybe if you would stop squirming…"

"AYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMOOOOOREE!" Shigure howled in misery. Ayame spun on him in a movement even more dramatic than was usual for him and tossed his head in a wide silver arc. Luckily Haru wasn't around to be maimed by it this time.

"Gure! Of course I love you! But you need to understand that I must sate my insatiable appetite… my craving for men in maids outfits! It's an urge I can't deny!" He declared with passion.

Shigure fell to both knees. "AYA!" He moaned, but not in a sexual way. At least not yet. "I can wear a maid's outfit! Just give me a chance to loose these love handles and I swear I'll be able to squeeze into one! I'll look even sexier than Akito too!"

Akito would have rebuked this but he was too busy dissuading Ritsu with his feather dusty to keep his grubby little paws out of his skirt. Damn, who ever knew the monkey would be so… gropey under the influence of the good old saké?

Ayame knelt before Shigure and grasped both of his hands with his. Sakura blew up in the background, the wind threatening to almost blow the men's clothes off. I love when that happens in anime.

"Gure! I believe in our love! I believe that you will look sexy in a maid's outfit! But if you truly loved me… how could you make me wait!" He sobbed dramatically into Shigure's palm as Kyou tried to keep from throwing up all his fries and cheeseburger at the site. Damn it was sick when cousins got it on with one another. "I need you here for me now! To hold me back from this… temptation…" He cast a glance back at Akito who was whacking Ritsu continuously over the head. "How can you expect me to deny myself of this unearthly beauty?"

"HANDS OFF, BITCH!" Akito shrieked.

"Aya! I love you!" Gure sobbed. He threw himself into Ayame's arms and the two of them rolled around the Living Room like a bishounen tumbleweed. Momiji had to step over them as he re-entered the room and then dodge them again as they hit the reverse. Shigure pinned Ayame down and gave him 'the-sexual-molester-dentists-look.'

"Ayame! You're the only snake in my Eden!" He cried with the line that undoubtedly will be quoted by Aya/Gure fans forever now. Yeah, I'm trying to endorse my own lingo. Leave me alone. "I must have you now!"

"Oh Gure!" Ayame sobbed back. "Your sloppy disheveled lazy author look has always been sexy to me! I just love to make you jealous! GIVE IT TO ME BABY!"

Shigure then proceeded to propel his tongue down into Ayame's lung, with many interesting sound effects to go with it. If Kagura hadn't been pinning him down, Kyou would have fled the scene for the toilet a long time ago. As it was, he was forced to swallow back his bile and remind himself that there were worse things in the world. … What they were he didn't know but he was sure there had to be something.

Momiji, oblivious to all the pheromones currently drag racing around the room, pointed a finger at Yuki commandingly.

"Well Yuki… all the fangirls are at President Motoko's. Now's the time for us to shakey-shake our way on over to the White Radish House and shake your grove thang!" He bonked butts with Yuki as some sort of encouragement but the mouse instead looked even more morose. The mall experience had been bad enough. How this little mis-demeanor was going to end he didn't want to know. But he figured it wouldn't be good.

-SNORK-

Haru peddled his little legs along the street past the school. He came to a sudden, lurching halt as he happened upon a four way intersection. Not his favorite place to be in the world, I can assure you. He looked this way and that, judged by the angle of the sun, turned and faced outwards to where the thought the ocean was, examined the street signs and finally came to an educated decision. He got off of his bike and fell to the ground dramatically like that ant in the beginning of 'A Bugs life.'

"I'M LOST!"

Luck was on Haru's mis-directed side however. It just so happened that at this particular moment so passed the random Yuki fan girl from before; her name was Kireina if you couldn't remember.

"Excuse me miss?" Haru looked at her, she looked down at him in absolute disgust because he took HER Yuki. Though she shouldn't really know that because technically, it wasn't like it was a public announcement at this point. Not like; "Akito's dating the Devil's son!' for instance.

"What?"

He looked at her and Shigure's profound command of 'Whisper, whisper, whisper' rang in his ears. Haru didn't particularly want to risk impeding the authors wrath (he may be out of the reach of the Sohma's, but he was still dedicated to following his dare whilst the author was around) so he had no other option. He had to go through with it and hoped no one carted him off to the nearest mental asylum. Unless of course it was near the candy store, in which case it would have been really useful.

Haru's dare was, in a sense… the 'In my pants' game. Only, Shigure gave him another lingo to say at the end of every sentence whenever he asked for directions. Haru took a deep breath and then just blurted it out.

"I need directions without my pants!"

She looked at him like he was nuts and slowly started to back off, reaching for her pepper spray. This was usually reserved for perverted rapists and whack jobs who spoke to voices in their head. She got the feeling that this guy may have just qualified.

"To where?" She asked somewhat hesitantly. She half expected him to bring up the nearest mental asylum. Maybe he was that escapee she kept on hearing about.

Haru could read her fear like he could read a kiddies picture book. No matter though. He had a dare and he aimed to carry it out. He bravely persevered.

"To North Dakota…I mean the next town over without my pants!"

She continued to back away slowly from Haru, all the while reaching for the comforting phallic shaped protection of her pepper spray. This guy was clearly a nut job! She couldn't see what the valiant, beautiful, glamorous- Akito: I thought Shenai told you not to glorify Yuki- Kireina: nope-Prince Yuki would see in him. Regardless, she figured the sooner she sent him on his way, the sooner he would be out of the picture and the more time she'd have to have her wicked way with the prince! HA HA HA HA HA! "Well you need to go left, turn around the school, go up the magical hill of doom and then go down waving your arms screaming; 'I'm a bucket of nuts and then you'll be in the town next door…but remember, you must scream and wave your arms going 'I am a bucket of nuts, then you turn the first left you see, then the next right, tilt your pelvic axis slightly at a 60 degree angle, put your left foot in, put your left foot out, put your left foot in and shake it all about. And that-'' She concluded. " – is what it's all about. Got that?"

Haru nodded as he quickly scribbled this down onto his convenient scented notebook.

"Thankyou very much, you've been a great help without my pants!" The cow said reaching into his pocket. He retrieved a snazzy white card with black splotches all over it. Smiling genuinely he extended his arm out and gave it to her. "Here, give me a call some time without my pants. I want to repay you for helping me out today without my pants."

The girl took the card but continued to back away, waving her arms in a sporadic matter.

"No that's okay. I don't think that's really necessary."

Haru looked confused. "But you were so helpful to tell me the way to the next town without my pants. I'd like to extend a token gesture of gratitude without my pants. I could just buy you a cup of coffee and we could hang out, without my pants?"

But the girl had no reply. She was already a mere dot in the distance.

Haru shrugged and leant forward to pat Q – Chan on the head. "I guess some people just don't want to be rewarded for their kindness. Isn't that noble without my pants?"

Q –Chan squealed expectantly.

With another baffled expression at the currently retreating Yuki fangirl, Haru jumped back on his bike to continue on his way.

KA –CHING!

"Hey, I just remembered something!" Shigure shrilled as the Sohma's stood lined up outside of Motoko's Radish shop. "I was wearing Hello Kitty boxers in the first chapter and now Yuki's wearing a pair all of his own! Mine were orange though, see?" With that he pulled apart the halves of his yukata, revealing a toned and angular body and… not much else. Tohru and Kisa both went an unhealthy shade of scarlet and turned away to afford the poor drunken man some privacy. Ayame, Akito and Ritsu (?) all took a closer look.

Shigure finally glanced down. "Oops…" He mumbled, adjusting the angle of his head as though this may have aided in the task of locating his currently AWOL orange Hello Kitty boxer shorts. "Oh… that's right! I used them to tie Ayame up to the railing in my room!"

Both men beamed at solving this near to impossible mystery and all was right in the world. Except for the fact that Shigure was revealing full frontal nudity to a fairly crowded street. The audience had turned up because news of Yuki Sohma strutting about in pink and white Hello Kitty boxer shorts was too much for the general society to bear. Simply everyone had to come and have a look. The entire school population had shown up. Tour guides from various facilities all over the country had redirected their group tours to this one particular historical event. Secretaries with bagged lunches were seated on the opposing sidewalk, pouring coffee from warm thermoses. Venders were set up. Children ran around with helium balloons. Marching bands paraded down the street. Satellites had swung in their orbit to capture this amazing moment. Planes landed and tourists from all over the world made their way to that one street. Aliens hovered in orbit for a better look.

Yep, that Yuki Sohma sure is a popular guy.

Kyou sweatdropped. "Shigure, whilst I desperately needed to hear the details about yours and that damn snakes love life, could we please keep it on a strictly 'need to know' basis from now on? And for God's sake would you do up your damn kimono! The censor bars don't work for me you know!"

Shigure looked kind of hurt but did as he was told, sulkily tying his kimono about his modesty. Ayame beamed and gave him a sideways hug.

"Don't worry Gure! I like seeing you naked!" He assured.

Kagura hugged Kyou. "You could be naked for me ANYTIME!" She offered. Kyou didn't even bother to dignify this with a response, which is just leading the girl on really.

Hiro gave Yuki a little nudge in the calf. "So? You didn't drag us all down here for nothing, did ya? Go on. Get it over and done with. I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think it is."

Yuki cold sweated and gulped, thinking that anything half as bad as what he was thinking of was bad enough. Ayame saw his chance to play the supportive big brother and immediately jumped into the role as quickly as he jumped into Shigure's yukata. He pranced up behind Yuki and planted his hands firmly in the center of Yuki's back.

"Now, now Yuki! There's no need to feel embarrassed!" He said, leaning forward with all his weight in the effort of sliding Yuki's slender young nubile body towards the door. The fangirls beady eyes were pressed to the upstairs window, eagerly awaited his indecently exposed arrival. "Just keep reminding yourself; 'It's all perfectly natural and I'm having fun! It's all perfectly natural and I'm having fun!'"

"How about; 'When I'm finished being thoroughly groped and humiliated against my will, I'm going to march straight back out here and have fun putting my fist through my annoying older brothers face!"

For once Ayame backed off. He looked unusually irritated. "Well excuse me for wasting my encouragement where it's clearly not wanted!" With a diva like 'humph!' he turned on his heel and stalked back to Shigure's side. The inu gave him a little pat on the shoulder and flashed a confident grin in Yuki's direction.

"Knock 'em dead kid!" He enthused. Akito nodded agreeably and then skipped up to Yuki's side. He leant down to whisper in his ear.

"I don't think I need to remind you what will happen if any of these girls find out about our secret…" He hissed, the threat that much more malignant as a result of the maid's outfit. "You just watch yourself in there and try not to do anything stupid."

Yuki would have pointed out the hypocrisy of this, considering what Akito's role in this fanfic has been reduced to but he knew from personal experience that the young family master was lethal with a whip. Kind of makes you wonder what kind of bed companion he would make, huh? Oops… once again I am getting off track.

The mouse put on his most obedient face, realizing that behaving himself meant that this humiliating affair would be considerably shortened. He sighed, wishing he hadn't laughed at Hatori all the way back in chapter two. Yuki now understood how it felt to be that… exposed.

"I'll be careful, Akito." He said, sounding like one of those sulky kids when they're made to apologize to their teacher for being a smart-ass. Akito seemed satisfied by this. But of course we all know that Akito is satisfied very easily. What a ho.

"Good!" He sang patting his favorite mousy-wousy on the head. "Now you go and have a lovely time, play nice with the fangirls, unless one of the fangirls tries to hug you and then you have to shove the fangirl away and mince to safety in a very gay toe-tapping manner."

No one ever gave Yuki a break about that 'Princes crab-walk' scene in episode one. It wasn't his fault the animators made him look so camp!

The crowd was starting to get restless. They were squirming around like a monkey on heat, which is quite easy to visualize if you took a yonder glance at Ritsu who was jigging around as he stared at Akito in sudden lusty infatuation. The family master was pretending not to be flattered by the attention. But who was he kidding? We all know he likes to get dressed like a lady. … Not to imply that he is one or anything…

Yuki Sohma took a deep breath and thrust out his slim and not very well defined chest. Time to grab the bull by the horns! (Yuki made a mental note for later bedroom antics with Haru once he had returned) Our fearless, unadulterated hero started to slowly make his way up to the front door of Motoko's house. Each step was tiny, barely covering around an inch of ground. At this rate it was going to take him a year to get to the door step.

Not that anyone in the audience seemed to mind. They all had an unobstructed view of Yuki's Hello Kitty emboldened behind, which was certainly enough incentive to miss their education and forfeit a day of beneficial duty in order to enable Japanese society to function. Shigure, still quite geezied up from his little endeavor with the Randomly Appearing Beer, skipped his merry way over to one of the many bands and made a song request. It seemed he'd considerately decided that Yuki was in need of his own personal introductory music. Ayame soon joined him on the apron of the stage (the sidewalk) and both men began to sing Yuki's brand new Theme Song. A haunting rendition of 'Push Up.'

Yuki cringed at the wobbly lyrics being belted out by his older brother and cousin. What they were singing sounded inherently wrong when used in reference to him:

"Your body, your body next to mine –

PUSH UP!

I gotta make that sexy booty mine –

PUSH UP!

And shake it, baby shake that ass –

PUSH UP!

I love it when you feel like getting nasty!"

The highlight of the performance had to be when Ritsu joined in, all three grown men performing lewd dance movements that seemed to evaluate to; 'Let's have cheap and meaningless sex right here in the middle of the street.' All the blood drained from Kyou's face as he attempted to back away and deny his association with his intoxicated relatives at the same time. Hatori escaped back into his thoughts of black bleeding angst and never melting snowflakes, a place he frequented as religiously as some men rocked up to their favorite bar to drown their sorrows. Angst was cheaper and depending on what kind of fangirl you are, it could be considered quite sexy. FANSERVICE ALERT!

Yuki was fit to be tied. He couldn't decide which was worst; staying outside and listening to this ridiculous attempt at Karaoke or place his ass in the hands of his drooling moronic fanclub whilst only wearing boxer shorts that could have passed as a postage stamp.

Yuki knocked on the front door of Motoko's house. "Excuse Miss Minagawa?" He called meekly.

The last thing he saw before four pairs of hands descended upon him was the snarling deranged faces of the four Primary members of the 'Prince Yuki' fanclub. Then he was yanked into darkness.

KA-CHING!

"Excuse me sir?"

The middle aged store attendant looked up from the cash he had been squandering, to meet the eyes of an impassive white haired bikie with some mutant (but kinda cute) animal on his shoulder. The leather donned individual glanced down at the 'Candy List' Shigure and Ayame had made out for him and then raised his head again as the attendant tried to hide what he was doing in a very unsuccessful and highly suspicious manner. Not that that was any of Haru's concern. If people wanted to rip their employers off, that was their business. The only thing on this cow's mind was to load up his girly white whicker basket with a gargantuan amount of saccharine produce and cycle his way back to where his beloved young rat awaited him. He sighed, sparklies and love hearts popping around his head like champagne bubbles. He hoped nothing too disastrous had befallen his rodenty love in his absence. Otherwise there would be hell to pay!

The attendant blinked at the young man who appeared to have lapsed into an alternate state of consciousness in the doorway. He rang the annoying little service bell that seems to appear in every movie or show shop, but never in real life, to get his attention. Haru snapped back from Yuki land at the insistent trilling and flashed his little passive smile, best recalled from his first appearance when Yuki turned into a rat because Tohru called him his nickname. The little smile that said; 'As soon as you turn your back missy, I'll be bringing a two-by-four down between your pretty shoulder blades.' At least, that's how I interpreted it.

"Beg your pardon, sir. Could you please direct me to the candy isle without my pants?"

The attendant opened his mouth to reply when his brain caught track of the last half of Haru's sentence.

"I'm …. S-sorry… … …. Could you perhaps… run that by me again?"

Haru sighed impatiently. He didn't have time for this! He had a Yuki to be getting home to!

"I said; 'Could you please direct me to the candy isle without my pants? Geez, maybe next time you should pay more attention to me without my pants? I'm only five feet away… perhaps there's something wrong with your hearing without my pants? Maybe you should see a doctor about that? My cousin happens to be a physician and he is always complaining that I never come around to see him enough without my pants. He's the family doctor but lately he seems to be having some problems without my pants. I guess he's just going through an early mid-life crisis without my pants…" Haru mused forlornly.

The attendant nodded sympathetically as his hand edged slowly towards the shotgun he kept hidden under the bench. Just keep eye contact and make no sudden movements…

"The candy isles down that way," He said, pointing in a direction that vaguely included most of the right side of the store. "It's full of sweets and candy and other teeth rotting goodness. You can't miss it. Just look for a bunch of kids running around."

Haru smiled cheerfully. "I love hanging around with kids without my pants! I often go over to visit Kisa without my pants. She's twelve and she's the cutest little girl you could ever imagine without my pants. We always have a good time without my pants."

The attendants head was spinning. His hand closed around the handle of the shotgun as he let out a very unconvincing chuckle. 'Pervert! This guy's a PERVO!'

"Well uh… isn't that nice for you… eh heh… now you just run along now and get… what you need…"

"I will without my pants!" Haru chirped making his way over in the general direction of the candy isle. "Thankyou very much for you help without my pants! I'll be back in a minute to pay for my candy without my pants!"

Q-Chan cooed approvingly as Haru weaved his way through the fruit and vegetable trays, hoping he was headed the right way. Stopping for directions was just getting dangerous. Though it couldn't really be helped in his case. He was suitably direction impaired, so much so that he couldn't even find his way to the bathroom in his own house in the middle of the night. More often than not he ended up urinating in a pot plant, which didn't exactly do the flora a world of good.

A loud 'OOF' caught Haru's attention from somewhere down the left isle of the fruit and vegetables section. A cabbage rolled into view, clearly having escaped from some poor unfortunates shopping basket. Haru gently restrained it with one foot and then with the tip of his toe, flicked it into the air and caught it hackey sack style. Or is that basketball style? Oh, whatever the case, let's just say it looked sweet.

The cow made his way up the isle with the cabbage. A young man with dark brown hair, possibly in his mid twenties was busy trying to gather the other escapee's from his upended basket, his face a darling shade of puce. Haru smiled and knelt down beside him, holding out the cabbage like it was a bouquet of roses.

"I believe this is yours without my pants?"

The young man didn't even seem to register the last part of Haru's sentence. He looked up and was reunited with his missing cabbage. He smiled as he ensnared it like his long lost child.

"Thankyou so much! Oh, I'm such a klutz. … Falling over like that..."

Haru waved a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it without my pants. You probably just tripped on a loose board or something without my pants. These things happen; it's nothing to be ashamed of without my pants."

The young man blinked and sweatdropped. He smiled uncertainly at Haru but didn't run screaming into the night like he was inclined to at this point. Brave lad. "Uh… okay." He took a closer look and then exclaimed loudly, drawing the current shopping populations' attention to that particular part of the fruit and veg isle. "I know you!" He was pointing at Haru, his finger and arm quivering like Kyou's when he reminded Yuki that yes indeedly do, one day he was going to have his wicked way with- ahem ­kick his ass and become a fully fledged member of the Freak Family.

"You're Hatsuharu Sohma!" The older man ureka-d! still clutching the cabbage under one arm and the full basket in the other. Haru nodded certain that he had missed something along the way.

"Uh… yep, that's me without my pants. Who are you without my pants?"

The man dropped the cabbage into the basket and run a hand through his hair, smiling a little shyly. "Me? I'm Kureno."

Haru blinked. "Um… Kureno without my pants?"

The man looked hurt. "Kureno Sohma?"

Haru shook his head. "Kureno Sohma… no bells are going off without my pants…"

Kureno glanced back and forth as though to assure no one was in earshot and then lowered his voice, one hand cupped around his mouth, which of course only made it look like he was trying to conceal something even more. "The rooster?"

Haru bit his lip, looked slightly upwards as he tried to recall which member of his family was the rooster. He couldn't match a face with the animal. "Sorry… I'm not familiar without my pants."

Kureno's shoulders slumped, his face taking on that shaded, disappointed look. "Well I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. I didn't even make the anime and my role in the manga was reduced to being Uo's love interest and Akito's man slave. Everyone pairs me up with Akito anyway, no matter how much emphasis they put on mine and Arisa's relationship."

Haru sweatdropped as he watched Kureno mumble something about his contract and how he needed to hire a better attorney to push his case along. The clock was ticking. As delightful as it was to meet a new member of his own family, there were more pressing matters at hand. Like an exhilarating game of truth or dare. He had to get going so that Momiji could fulfill his own dare! And Yuki… Yuki was all alone in that house with his older brother who harassed him! Shigure who tormented him mercilessly! Kyou who he was most often paired with in doujinshi! Tohru who he was in the main canon coupling with! OH GOD HE HAD TO GET OUT OF THIS STORE!

"Well, it's been very pleasant chatting to you Mister… uh… Whatever without my pants!" Kureno fumed at being referred to as 'Mr. Whatever.' "But I have to go now without my pants! I need to buy Momiji some candy without my pants!"

I just realized how child molesterer that sounds.

Kureno grunted and stuck his nose in the air. "Oh I see. That's how it is, huh? You think you're better than me, just because you can move in your frames and I can't, is that it?"

Haru tried to casually shrink away as the rooster flared up more and more violently. Clearly this was a 'Sensitive Point' tm. Q-Chan quivered on his shoulder and tried to hide his face in Haru's lovely white locks.

"Uh… I really have to-''

"Oh sure, sure! Run along! I'm sure ALL you characters who made it into the animation studio have better things to do with your time then slum it with a black and white model from the manga!" Kureno shrieked, on the verge of pelting Haru's poor stunned expression with groceries. The ox was being steadily backed out of the isle with Kureno converging upon him like a fangirl upon the first ever copy of Kingdom Hearts 2. "You could at least show me a little respect you leather pant wearing, rat humping hippy! I work my ass off to keep the Sohma house supplied with food. I cook, I clean, I put up with Hatori's boring wangst about snowflakes every second day, I smile like some gassed up guppy, I care about how everyone feels, I console my very limited list of friends when one of them has a nervous breakdown (which in this series is EVERY FREAKIN DAY) I put everyone else's feelings first without complaint, I have no social life to speak, I practically always have to be in the presence of Akito unless of course I'm out shopping right now, half of Fruits Basket fans don't even know who I am and those that do know, half of THEM still manage to spell my name wrong – '' He grabbed Haru by the scruff of his shirt and shook him until his brain just about came out his nose. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE THE MALE VERSION OF TOHRU DAY IN DAY OUT AND STILL NOT HAVE A QUARTER OF THE FANS SHE DOES! DO YOU OLD MAN! DO YOU! THE ONLY THING I DO DIFFERENT IS THAT I'M NOT REQUIRED BY SCRIPT TO HAVE THE TWO LEAD MALES LUST ALL OVER MY ASS AND I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR AN ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY SCHOOL UNIFORM! WHY THE HELL DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE ME! I TRIED MY BEST MOM! I TRIED MY BEST!"

With this he proceeded to throw himself to the floor and have a mental breakdown. Anyone who can recall off of the top of their head how many times a character has had a mental breakdown in this fic already gets a prize!

Haru straightened his disheveled jacket and knelt down beside Kureno, patting his twitching back comfortingly.

"Don't be upset without my pants!" He murmured, moving his hand in circles on the roosters' lower back. That was what Haru's mother used to do for him when he was little, whenever he got scared or he had bad gas. "I'm sure that lot's of people know who you are without my pants! Trust me; I know how it feels not to be appreciated without my pants. Despite the popularity of yaoi, people still seem to pair up Yuki with Tohru and Kyou in fanfics way more than they pair him up with me without my pants. I don't know why… it's not as though Kyou has shown that much interest towards Yuki without my pants."

Kureno sniffed and wiped his nose on his sleeve. (Note how Kureno hasn't even remarked once on Haru's current speech impediment.) As soon as he seemed composed however, the rooster just burst out into another long despairing wail.

"Oh Haru!" He moaned in an appropriate and non-sexual way. "Hold me my cow like companion!"

Haru barely had time to reply to the very firm NEGATIVE of his intention to do so, (he was a one cursed family member cow after all) but Kureno didn't even give him the chance.

"HEY!" He bellowed as Kureno leapt onto him, throwing both men to the floor in a not so innocent like fashion. Possibly enforced by the fact that Kureno had his legs flung around Haru's waist and was gyrating his hips against his own. "Mr. Whatever! Would you please stop crawling all over me without my pants?"

The rest of the shoppers did their bit by diverting their eyes and continued shopping in a very polite and non-obtrusive manner. … Ah, who am I kidding? When two guys that hot are rolling around on the Supermarket isle together in a compromising position who, the hell wouldn't stop and stare? But then again… maybe you're all better people than I am.

… Maybe…

KA-CHING!

Now, it's back to the Yuki show!

Yuki awoke to find himself tied to a chair in the middle of the most luxurious prison cell he had ever laid eyes on. Not that Yuki had laid his eyes on the interior of many jail cells in his time but Shigure had told him all about it, so he felt like he had a pretty good understanding.

It seemed as though Motoko had converted the basement of her parents' vegetable store into a prison shrine, especially dedicated to the worship of Prince Yuki Sohma. In a scene as disturbing as something from a horror film, Yuki's eyes panned over each of the four walls he had access to, only to see pictures of himself, hair samples, skin follicles, cutlery he had touched, slaps of concrete that had been extracted from the footpaths he had stepped on, wrappers that had been extracted from the bin that contained traces of his fingerprints, love poems and so on and so forth (each item more disturbing than the last) covered each and every last blank space. He hung his head low and sighed. Man… now there was obsessing and there was obsessing. Something was inherently wrong with this situation and it wasn't just the fact that he was wearing a considerably tiny pair of Hello Kitty boxers. Weirdly enough that seemed to be the least disturbing aspect of this whole predicament.

The lock from the door on the far side of the room clicked open and someone entered the room. Yuki looked up in hope, thinking that perhaps his duplicitous family had finally deigned to save him from this derogatory but his face fell when he saw it was Motoko, followed by her labrodoriosly loyal fanclub members Minami Kinoshita, Mio Yamagishi and Mai Gotou. Hey, I just noticed how all their names start with M! Call me unobservant if you will, but you don't really comprehend these things unless you write them down. I would have thought they'd all have secret code names started with 'Y' in honor of their beloved Prince Yuki and they'd have some sort of ridiculous handshake that involved slapping hands, bumping elbows and then standing on one leg whilst sticking your arm underneath the raised leg in order to shake the other persons hand. But that's just me.

"Well Yuki… you've led us on a wild goose chase since you wandered into our Secret Headquarters in the mall," Motoko purred in a predatory tone of voice. Comparable to the tone of voice a priest would use as he lured an altar boy into the back room of the Chapel with candy. "But now that we have you here, we must insist that you renounce your canon hetero relationship with the witch Tohru Honda, or else you will find yourself subjected to a protracted list of nauseating love songs, all sung to the tune of Brittany Spears; 'Sometimes I run.'"

Yuki found himself grinning in that deranged, strained way people do as a gag reflex. The bile rose in the back of his throat like a standing ovation, sending shivers of disgust and violation down his spine. This was the worst! This was even more horrendous than the time he'd been made to dress in that ridiculously cute and gaudy Cardcaptor type maternity dress as a favor to the seniors. He wondered if Akito had ever seen that photo…? Still, what did it matter? Akito wasn't one to throw stones in a glass house. That little homicidal twit was currently parading around like an ill invested addition to the Mardi gras, wearing a maid's uniform! At least the maternity dress covered Yuki's ass. (A factor many fangirls lamented)

Yuki huddled down in his little pink and flowery restraining chair, flexing his fists in the suspiciously well tied bounds. This was all too much like that game Shigure once played with him in Primary school. Only Shigure had 'forgotten' to untie him and Yuki had been left outside in the rain and caught pneumonia. He'd nearly died but Shigure thought it had been pretty funny, so no harm done right.

"Fine," Yuki surrendered without much resistance. "I promise to renounce my canon relationship with Miss. Honda."

The three members of the fanclub prepared to celebrate but Motoko was quick to cut them short. She held up a hand to silence them and then turned back to Yuki, her plum colored eyes stern.

"That is exactly what we were hoping to hear Prince. But I'm afraid that due to unforeseen circumstances in the last chapter of this lazily updated fic, we have had to reconsider our priorities." A dramatic wind blew in from nowhere, sending goose bumps rippling down Yuki's creamy white flesh; the tone as pale and rich as Devonshire clotted cream. The fangirls stopped to coo at him as though he were some cute button eyed puppy dog in the window of a pet store before returning to the dilemma at hand. Motoko's eye's got that scary firm look again. "It has come to our attention that our beloved Prince has entered into a…" She struggled to say the evil, evil word that denied all her dreams and beliefs as a certain episode 97 did for a particular fanfiction author. The pain and agony on her face was palpable. " – a… homo-homo-s-se-sexual relationship with… with…"

"Another man?" Yuki suggested helpfully. Motoko nodded spunkily.

"Mmm-hmm! That's right!"

"Prince, how could you!" Minami whined, hands clasped together before her like she was praying. You could practically hear the; 'Dear God, please make his gayness go away' ringing out from her mind. "How could you have involved yourself with that white haired… relative of yours when you know how much we love you?"

"Well… well I… oh shit." Said Yuki, forgetting for a brief slip that he was supposed to be the relatively clean spoken half of the 'Slapstick-Rivals-Love-Triangle' couple. But what else was he supposed to say in this disagreeable circumstance? He knew what was coming.

Motoko slapped her hand down forcefully on Yuki's thigh, causing the silver haired bishounen to squeal in horror. Not to mention pain. That bloody woman would have been brutal in a bitch fight. Motoko enjoyed her momentary roost, her eyes fluttering as she obviously envisioned how much further she would have liked to take this contact, before her thin eyebrows creased down again.

"Before we begin our… ahem appropriation of you Prince Yuki, we must ask now that you too renounce your affair with this… this…"

"Man." Yuki sighed, wishing she'd stop wriggling her fingers like horny worms against his thigh. It was kind of distracting.

"Yes. With this… man. Will you do that Yuki?"

Yuki looked around, taking in his situation at second glance. He was tied to a chair, trapped in a jail cell in the basement of his most ardent fangirls house with no hopes of rescue, no sign of an escape route and no possible method of breaking free from his restraints even with his Rodent charged SPESHUL mouse powers. His situation looked pretty bleak. He could see no other way out of this… unless…

The sweet music came on. A beautiful perfume filled the air with its divine scent. Yuki's eyes got the big dewy look that worked its stuff so well in classics like Bambi. He put on his cutest and most practiced, 'I'm-so-lovely-and-innocent-' look and tilted his head to the side.

"But… Miss. Minagawa… I'm…" He paused and sniffled, a perfect silver lining arching down his cheek. "I'm… I'm in love with Haru… I don't want to let go of what we have together…"

Unfortunately, Yuki's hormone charged powers of cuteness worked just a little too well. The fangirls all made the cooing noise again and then they jumped him, hands roaming all over his underage body. Yuki shrieked as he tried to hop to safety, the chair nearly tipping backwards in his failed escape attempts.

"No, wait! Stop! Don't DO THIS TO ME! I HAVE TO SAVE MYSELF FOR HARU! I don't wanna lose my innocence to a bunch of fangirls! Miss. Minagawa, would you please move your hand?"

Pause.

"… ! Not THAT way!"

Enough was enough. Desperate times called for desperate measures and Yuki couldn't think of a better time to qualify than this. Mustering all of the unmolested strength he had left, the poor mouse tilted his center of gravity and started to hop away from the fangirls, still firmly tied to his chair. The fangirls chased him round and around the room, finally subduing him and the chair with much effort. To Yuki's horror, he found himself being dragged to a previously unseen part of the Mouse de Molestation Room of Doom, hidden from view by a large black curtain. When pulled back it revealed a shiny and somewhat familiar lab table with many sharp and pointy instruments, not to mention an uncanny likeness of his head floating in a large jam jar. Yuki was unequivocally baffled.

Motoko turned on him, her face more innocent and happy than you would have thought possible in this disconcerting situation.

"It's time to start the experiment!" She hissed in an affected tone that sounded more pervy from where the source actually originated. (Another prize for those who can guess where this was ripped from.) "Girls, we know what has to be done. Or Prince Yuki must know how completely we adore him and we must prove so by harvesting from him, the part of him that he denies to us! What he seeks to condemn us from ever knowing!" She thrust her fist in the air and declared with much bravado. "We shall prevail!"

"WE SHALL PREVAIL!" Chorused the fangirls in a brainwashed zombie fashion.

Yuki fainted.

KA-CHING!

"Gee, Yuki's taking an awfully long time." Shigure mused, stuffing another handful of popcorn into his mouth. Ayame nodded as much as he could from his current position around Shigure's waist.

"Do you think he's in trouble?"

Kyou made a violent gesture with his hand, which seemed to convey his fondest wishes for our intrepid little rats' safety. "Ah, who cares? It's his own damn fault for not being firm enough with those damn groupies in the first place. If you ask me, he got exactly what he deserved!"

Tohru, who had taken a seat on the curb near Kisa and Kagura, looked up worriedly at the windows above the main door of the shop. She hadn't seen anyone moving around in the upper rooms and wondered if this should be a cause for concern. She didn't want to seem as though she was overreacting though, this tended to make people uncomfortable so she didn't mention it to any of the others. Hatori was the one who decided to hog the brilliant deduction to himself however. Hey, he's the boring one! If anyone's going to be rational in this situation it's him.

"Yuki has been gone for quite a while…" The doctor checked his mid-life crisis watch and then glanced at the upper windows. "I think it's time we call this dare off and head home now."

Momiji bounced up to him, eyes wide and despondent. "Oh Hari! Don't be so dull!" He squeaked, ignoring the baleful look the dragon shot him with his one good eye. "Yuki's probably having a great time in there and you'll just ruin it for him if you drag him out now!"

"Yeah I'm sure he's having a great time!" Kyou mocked, though of course we know he's secretly pining to see Yuki in those sexy non-existent boxers again. Kyou suddenly turned his face skywards and stuck his hands on his hips.

"Now lets get something straight you no-life, sit at home on Saturday night and write smut instead of going out and making friends loser!" He quipped to someone he obviously figured was hovering on a cloud somewhere above. I'm beyond knowing who. How does one rationalize Kyou when the man is completely irrational himself?

Kyou pointed upwards. "STOP MOCKING ME!" He roared, veins popping out bulbously in his neck. "And since we're having this discussion, why don't you just quit it with the whole 'I secretly want Yuki' thing! It's getting seriously old!"

Well excuse me Kyou but you're the one always obsessing about him.

Kyou's face flamed red. "I am NOT! I just wanna beat him so I can become a member of the zodiac! You make me sound so perverse!"

You make yourself sound perverse my dear. You don't need any help from little old me.

"Now look here you-''

Shigure raised an eyebrow as he glanced over at his orange haired cousin who was proceeding to yell, curse and scream abuse at the sky. "Uh… Kyou? You do realize you're having a conversation with someone who isn't really there, don't you?"

"Tell that to HER!" Shrieked Kyou as he pointed directly up in the air.

'POINTING IS RUDE.' Boomed the author hollowly, giving Kyou a first class demonstration in etiquette. The poor cat clutched his head as he fell to the ground and started going insane on the spot. If things weren't bad enough, now he was hearing voices in his head that didn't seem to posses the capacity to whisper. He doubted what was left of his already useless brain would ever recover.

Akito had been staring at Motoko's house with a stroppy look on his face as though willing Yuki to exit would somehow make it happen. Unfortunately, apart from their striking similarities, Akito is not related to Hanajima and doesn't have dempa powers and no amount of glaring and willing and constipated expressions was going to have any effect on Yuki or the house in which he was being held. After blowing a blood vessel or two, Akito finally got fed up and spun on his heel to face Shigure.

"This is ALL your fault Shigure! If Yuki loses his innocent virginity to those fangirls before he loses it to me, it will be all your fault! I'll hold you responsible if I'M not the first to deflower him!" He hollered, pointing a shaky finger at the reclining figure of our manipulative canine.

He was wearing a maid's outfit.

Shigure yawned lazily and rested even further back into the comfy pavement, Ayame's head residing on his stomach and his hand attempting to inconspicuously creep up the other side of his 'author' kimono. Maybe he'll find that pen Shigure was talking about in the first manga. …Not that I read the manga or anything because the manga lies.

"Akito, even in the remotest desert island with no hope of rescue chance that Yuki would ever find himself in a compromising position with you… how in god's name would you know what to do?" Shigure winked and snapped his fingers as though he were god's gift to virgins. "I mean, you've certainly been in plenty of lemons, but the truth's a little flatter now isn't it my skinny friend?"

Just as Akito was about to deflower Shigure with his feather dusty, Ritsu reappeared from the curb where he had collapsed a good fifteen minutes ago. Sadly (or not sadly depending on whether your like horny Ritsu or not) the unconscious tour into the filthy world of cigarette butts and broken bottles hadn't assisted in sobering the monkey up at all. Right now his beady little brown eyes were focused back on Akito, who he seemed suddenly fascinated with. Perhaps that's the real reason Ritsu wants to be like Ayame. He wants to be able to make kinky outfits. Ritsu has a secret maid's fetish, EGADS!

Akito noticed him staring again and squirmed. "Hello…" He said about as cheerfully as someone who'd just found out they were pregnant with ET. Ritsu just stared at him in a creepy way that may have been because he was possibly on LSD. Or boringly enough, simply because he was drunk. Ignoring the family masters discomfort, Ritsu picked up the struggling Akito and said; "Awww! Isn't it cute?"

Kyou looked as though that was the last thing you would call it. You may as well have called Hitler a pacifist. But none the less, Ritsu was hugging and kissing the squirming family master, running a hand through his bonneted hair and perched him on his knee like some kinky mannequin. Akito looked extremely ungrateful. "Aren't you sweet? You're so Nice and Pretty and pink! I love you!"

"Now why does that sound familiar?" Hatori wondered as Momiji rationalized that the 'pink' Ritsu had been referring to was the color of Akito's cheeks while Ritsu had been cuddling him. Shigure was too busy rolling around laughing to say anything constructive and Ayame was still busy trying to tear upon his kimono and have his savage and unbridled way with him.

It was amazingly enough at this point that Haru turned up with Kureno in tow.

Ring, ring! Went the little bell on Haru's bike. Everyone looked up and pulled a face at the traveling arrangements. Q-Chan was happily perched on Haru's shoulder whilst Kureno was sitting in the whicker basket, legs strung at a ridiculously high angle, holding onto the copious amounts of candy. Haru leapt off of the bike, sending it and his passenger crashing to the ground and posed in the dramatic wind as Final Fantasy victory music played in the background.

"Mission ACCOMPLISHED without my pants!" He cried performing a little victory dance. Q-Chan clapped his praise, or maybe he was just humoring Haru you never know. Kureno moaned as he pried his ass out of the tiny basket and handed over the bags of candy to Haru. Haru presented the loot to Shigure with much flourish. "Here is the candy without my pants."

Shigure beamed and jumped up, bringing Ayame with him. "Ah, good work Haru! The dares over now, so you really don't have to keep saying 'without my pants' anymore."

Haru blinked and looked a little sad. "Oh yeah… man and I'd just gotten used to saying it too."

Hatori didn't seem happy with him for some reason. He strode on over to the leather clad cow and struck him forcefully across the cheek with the STOLEN pointer ruler which he'd pulled out of his ass at the last second. … Okay, not really folks. Don't take it literally, you know what I mean.

"Hatori!" Tohru gasped in horror.

"Hari!" Ayame whined jealously. Hatori had never hit him before with the STOLEN pointer ruler and he was the most annoying character in the cast.

Hatori ignored them all and fixed his scary gaze on Haru like a big (boring) scary parent. As he scolded him, he continued to wave the stick pointedly in the air above Haru's head to really drill the point home.

"Young man, how many times have I told you not to talk to strangers when you go out! Much less bring them home!"

Kureno sank to the pavement with a despondent sigh. "Ho-hum."

Haru made note of this valuable information (as should we all. Remember kiddlets: don't bring strangers home.) and gestured to the house the crowd was congregating around with the hand that wasn't currently soothing his aching cranium.

"What's going on?" He asked conversationally. He noticed one very key member of their group was missing. "Yuki…?"

"Is currently completing his dare." Shigure offered, hiding the bag of sugary produce from Momiji who was staring at it very rabidly. When Haru raised an eyebrow, Momiji took it upon his little blonde self to explain with outrageous arm movements and special effects.

"See, Kyou suggested that we throw Yuki to the fangirls in the nude because, well, you saw how they reacted at the mall, right? Well Shigure thought that was a bit too risqué for this clean and family friendly fic so instead, we made him come over here and go inside only wearing his boxer shorts. But he's been in there an awfully long time…"

Ayame suddenly leapt up as though he'd come to a decision. His eyes gleamed with realization.

"THAT'S IT!" He declared. "If I rescue Yuki's from his adamant fangirls clutches, then he'll be begging me to bond with him! That's the master plan! God my genius outstands me sometimes!"

He slapped the palm of his hand resolvedly and then dashed to the doorway of the Minagawa residence. "Hang on Yuki, I'm coming!"

"Something I'm sure Yuki never wants to hear…" Hatori grumbled, watching with marginal amusement as Ayame squatted and attempted to pry open the large steel enforced shutter. He heaved and strained. He pushed and lifted. He groaned and grunted.

Nope. That thing was just not going to open in a million years. The fangirls brains weren't so completely eroded by Yuki love that they'd forget to nail that thing into the ground so no one could rescue him.

Ayame stepped back, dabbing at his slight perspiration with the hem of his expensive garment. His stained blue hair shone in the hot sun, giving him a vague angelic look. An angel who didn't know the first thing about hair dye but an angel regardless.

"Well, I won't be getting in that way…" He deduced running his finger along his chin thoughtfully. A second later he forcefully thrust his finger skyward, his expression so enthusiastically genki he almost put Watari to shame. "EUREKA! I have it! I'll simply break into the house next door and swing from the upstairs window through the opposing window in Motoko's house! Like Tarzan and Jane! It HAS to work!" He cupped his hands around his mouth, forming a primitive sort of microphone. "HOLD ON YUKI, I'M COMING!"

Kyou prodded his ears. "Something you really don't have to hear twice…" He complained.

Ayame spun on his heel and wiggled his finger about to include half the assembly of the Sohma's. His face had a forceful and determined look on it. A look that usually ended with him being hurt by someone half his size and strength. Namely his brother.

"I shall require assistance in this tenacious task!" He explained to the blinking, concerned faces that were all praying he wouldn't pick them. "Okay! You, you and… you with me, now."

The whole group nodded reluctantly and moved off towards the house to the right of the Minagawa's.

Ayame waved his hands. "No, wait, wait, wait… who did I tell to come with me?"

The whole group pointed at themselves. Then, they looked uncertain and pointed at each other. Ayame slapped his forehead.

"No Haru… you're with me. Yuki's your lucky lover after all! You can't possibly bypass this chance to save him, now can you? Akito, you're also with me. I may need a distraction to buy me time whilst I whisk Yuki away to safety."

Akito didn't like the way he said 'distraction.'

"Shigure, sweetie, I need you to stay here and keep an eye on everyone. Especially Hari, you know how frisky he gets this time of day. (Hatori: … ) Ritsu…" Ayame stopped mid-sentence as he saw Ritsu gyrating his hips against Akito's frill clad buttocks whilst trying to entice him to 'Shake his tail-feather.' Akito had an exasperated expression on his face as though he were on the verge of doing so, just to get the insistent monkey to leave him be. Ayame sighed and continued to divide up the 'forces.' Shigure was to stay outside with Tohru, Kisa, Hiro, Momiji, Hatori, the strange weird guy Haru had picked up and Ritsu (basically all the useless combat impaired ones) whilst Haru, Kyou, Kagura, Akito (who is useless and combat impaired himself but he has an alternative role in this little rescue attempt. Besides he needed a good reason to escape from Ritsu) were to storm the fort. Operation: RESCUE YUKI SOHMA FROM MULTIPLE FANGIRL MOLESTATION had begun!

Ayame turned to wave goodbye to everyone (especially his beloved Shigure) and caught sight of Ritsu patting Akito whose eyes were glowing red and mouth was frothing. He heard Ritsu say; "Oh you're so cute. Yes you are!"

Akito growled threateningly.

Ayame swallowed and tried to remain positive. He waved merrily. "Well, we're off to save my little brother from perilous peril! Wish us luck!"

And so, they entered the house next door…

KA-CHING!

"MWAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAAAA HAAA!" Motoko laughed like a maniac.

"Oh would you just shut up already!" Yuki snapped, losing his patience. He was tied up to the sterile surgical table with red ribbons around his wrists and ankles that for some kinky plot reason, he hadn't been able to escape from. "You've been laughing like a whacked up moron for the last half hour, it's getting on my nerves! If you're going to cut me up and clone me all for your sadistic, perverse fangirl pleasure, then go for it! But no one not even that stupid baka neko deserves to listen to your LSD induced witches cackling!"

The author would like to take this opportunity to advise that drugs are very bad and you shouldn't do them. Regardless of how drugged I myself sound when I write this, I do not in fact take drugs. Surprising I know. Consider this a little public service announcement.

Motoko's eyes iced over. Big goopy tears formed in the corners. "Prince Yuki… how could you say something so… cruel…" Her face took on a malicious tint. "Now you shall have to be punished. Number 1? Scalpel."

"Right!" Mio chorused, slapping the shining tool into Motoko's outstretched hand with surprising delicateness. It was almost like they had practiced this or something. Hatori would have been aghast at the sight, perfectionist that he was. Dear Lord, they weren't even wearing surgical masks, the fiends!

"I think, we shall start with a vertical cut straight down the solar plexus…" Motoko murmured, lowering the scalpel with deranged accuracy. Yuki's eyes widened as the scalpel cut deep and his mouth opened in a horrified scream of mortal terror.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

KA-CHING!

Just one house away, Ayame Sohma could detect the pained scream of his brother Yuki's protests! It must have been that deep brotherly bond he knew they shared! That or the fact he shrieked so loudly the entire freakin' neighborhood heard him.

"Yuki!" Haru gasped, on the trembling verge of going black. If those damn fangirls had hurt his Yuki, he'd wring their skinny mal-nutritioned necks and stick their obsessive memorabilia up their stalker asses!

Ayame thrust out his chest, trying in vain to look heroic and failing miserably. "Boys! It's time to do our best! Let's kick some groupie booty!"

"Finally. Some violence…" Akito purred as though he had been reunited with his long lost lover. Ayame, clearly into this whole Team Sohma thing, placed his hand out straight palm down. He grinned at them all like a retarded geffling.

"A!"

Kyou groaned and gave in, knowing they weren't likely to get anywhere if he didn't. "K."

"K!" Kagura agreed, slapping her hand over Kyou's and squeezing it over affectionately. Kyou twitched and paled as the bones cracked in his hand.

"A!" Akito squealed getting into the swing of things. Haru lastly added his hand to the pile, thoughts of sweeping Yuki up into his arms and carrying him off into the sunset where they'd find a convenient place to make mad passionate love, spurring him into this greater act of retardedry.

"H."

"Let's go TEAM AKKAH!" Ayame trilled loving how he managed to make it sound so hip. Like ABBA. He pumped his arm in the air and started singing 'Dancing Queen' much to the others bane. Kyou glanced out at the window from the opposing building, trying to figure out how to span the distance. It was too far for him to jump and besides, he'd need to break the window first.

He sighed and vein popped. "Why am I even wasting my energy on this? It's not like I care what happens to that stupid rat…"

Haru rubbed his chin with the flat surface of his index finger. "Just how are we going to get across there Ayame?"

Ayame flashed a pleasant grin, which was usually a sign that something not so pleasant was about to happen. "Why, I'm so glad you asked…" With that little misleading enigma of an explanation aside, Ayame then proceeded to rip off his clothing revealing a tight and ill fitting Spider Man suit underneath. Kyou gulped and nearly fainted. Akito took a better look. "We'll fly through the other window using spider power! SPIDY POWER DON'T FAIL ME NOW!"

Kyou finally dragged himself off of the floor, rubbing his fairly bruised cranium. "And I thought Akito's maid outfit left nothing to the imagination…" he grumbled. If you really need to visualize ladies and gentleman, let me just say that spandex and groins do not mix. Really. I don't understand why some people try to pretend it does when it clearly doesn't.

Kagura smiled benignly and locked her arms around Kyou's upper body in a passionate embrace. "Oh darling… don't you fret over that! There's no need to be jealous! I'm sure that you would look just as good in a Spiderman suit as Ayame does!"

"DAMMIT WHO THE HELL ASKED YOU?"

Haru scratched his head. "Whilst that's all very well and good Ayame, it still doesn't solve the problem of how we're going to actually get through the glass. We'll probably need to break it with something…"

"Yes… but what?" Akito mused, scratching his chin and trying to ignore the author's beady little eyes as she perved discreetly on him.

It was at this point that Kagura finally erupted into one of her full blown 'love-hurts- tanties' and punted Kyou hard like a football. Our resident furball went flying through the air, shot straight through the open window and crashed through the glass of the opposing one, landing in a bloodied heap in the far building. Ayame beamed and clapped his hands together.

"Like THAT!" He elaborated in case anyone had missed the sight of the orange haired Kyou Sohma flying through the air like a brick. As Kagura fumed in the background, Ayame produced a spool of complimentary Spider Web tm and pressed a little button on the side, a long thin sinew of the sticky substance flying out and catching on the next door neighbors' roof. Haru and Kagura looked mildly apprehensive at what the silver haired queer was going to make them do but Akito looked downright terrified.

"But I'm scared of heights!" He insisted, looking down at the ground with knocking knees. "And besides, we're so high up! What if people look up my skirt?"

Ayame waved a hand as though he'd never heard of anything more ridiculous in his life. "Akito, don't be so absurd. You may not believe this but you really aren't the center of the Universe. I am. And everyone will be staring at me in my spidey outfit. Now come on, we've got no time to spare! Yuki's in danger!"

Kagura, Haru and Akito found themselves slung around Ayame's body like bicep clinging wenches as the snake tested the hold of the web. Haru prayed the stuff supported value for money and the cheap shit wouldn't tear through. It was a long way to the ground.

"Hey! This is just like that Stars Wars movie, where Luke Skywalker had to swing across on the sand hover thing to rescue Princess Leia from Jabba the Hut!" Ayame enthused as he climbed up onto the window ledge. Haru raised an eyebrow.

"What? So you're Luke Skywalker, Yuki's your sibling so he'd be Princess Leia and Motoko is… Jabba the Hut?"

Ayame nodded. "Yep! And I'm going to rescue him from life as a slimy slugs' sex slave!"

Haru considered. "The scary thing is… that symbolism kind of works."

"YEAH! Now let's go! DA DA DA DA DA, DA, DA, DA!" Ayame tried to badly imitate the Star Wars theme music as he gripped the web firmly and swung them across the dangerous chasm between the two houses, Akito screaming like a sissy the whole time. Meanwhile, the people in the house they'd come from tried to figure out just what those cross dressing men had been doing there in the first place.

KA-CHING!

"OMG! I could totally see up Pretty Akitty's skirt!" Momiji squealed like a fangirl.

"Yeah!" Tohru cheered and then quickly back-peddled as everyone looked at her weirdly. "It's… um… very disturbing…"

KA-CHING!

Motoko had just finished making the final incision when a silver haired man in red webbed spandex came spiraling down from the ceiling like some bad footage from Mission Impossible. He seemed about to say something but at the last minute, the cord of the cheap string he was hanging from snapped and he landed on the ground with a hard 'OOF!'

The fangirls stared as he clambered to his feet like a brave little soldier and then quickly got over his current injury and embarrassment. He pointed a finger at the girls and struck a dramatic pose.

"AHA!" He bellowed. "I knew it was YOU; DELILAH!"

Motoko blinked. "My names not Delilah."

Ayame blinked back. "It's not? Oh, excuse me, my mistake. Let me try again." The Spiderman wannabe then left the room by the convenient staircase and then proceeded to reenter the scene, just as dramatically as before but with none of the falling flat on his face shenanigans this time around. He posed once more and stuck his erect finger out. "I knew it was YOU, MOTOKO!"

Motoko sweatdropped. "Um… no."

"Damn!" Ayame cursed, slapping the palm of his hand. "I thought I had her!"

Kagura came running into view and struck a complimentary pose beside Ayame, hands on hips and one knee extended. "Prepare for trouble!"

"This is stupid." Kyou bitched predictably as he trudged up. Kagura kicked him in the ass.

"KYOU! You didn't say your line, why!"

"Because this is STUPID!" Kyou emphasized, rubbing his bruised posterior. Kagura's eye's flashed demonically.

"Kyou… say your line…"

"NO!" Kyou screamed. "Gone are the days that you could just heft up some giant bolder and threaten to crush my skull if I didn't go along with your sadistic demands!"

Kagura picked up a conveniently placed boulder and balanced it precariously above her shoulders. Her eyes continued to flash. "Kyou darling… say your line…"

Now Kyou had his pride. But to be honest, what was left of it was taking a severe beating from that sissy rat boy walloping his ass everyday and going along with the script writers designs on his and Tohru's relationship. There really wasn't any point getting killed over something that was already giving out its' death rattle as he lay there quivering and begging for mercy. With an ambient sigh, Kyou struck a camp pose you wouldn't have a hope in hell seeing in the manga or anime.

"And make it double!"

Kagura grinned, knowing victory when she saw it and tossing the bolder aside, resumed her position next to Kyou. "To rebel the fangirl population!"

"To save the rodent from degradation," Kyou sang striking a pose and trying to look sexy. He looked like a Barbie doll dipped in starch. Never mind that. It turned Kagura on. Though Kagura could be turned on by Kyou announcing that he did a poopie so that's not really saying much.

"To denounce the evils of puppy love!" Said Kagura, latching onto Kyou and proceeding to hug him until his head just about burst like a zit.

"To extend our reach, to every night club!" Kyou choked out, trying to push his own fangirl away. Kagura leapt into his arms and posed with one finger in her mouth, wriggling her legs and managing to bunt Kyou in the face at the same time.

"KAGURA!"

"Kyou." The cat muttered with a lot less flair as he dropped Kagura. She didn't seem dissuaded and instead jumped on his back, flinging her arm in the air like a cowboy riding a buckin' bronco. … Oh God… I just gave Yuki/Haru fans even more inspiration.

"Team Sohma's here so prepare to fight!"

"Surrender now or I'll pull off my tights…" Kyou blah-ed looking bored. Haru ambled up and made a half-hearted attempt at a pose. To be accurate, he stuck one leg in the air and made 'Spirit fingers.'

"That's right." He monotoned. The fangirls sweatdropped.

Ayame made a dramatic gesture and thrust his knee into the air, bringing it down all forcefully whilst his hair whipped in that handy dandy Symbolic Wind from Nowhere tm. His voice took on the persuasive and assuring tone he's so (not) well known for.

"Don't worry Yuki!" Camera swoops in all dramatically. "We'll save yo- AAAAAAH!"

Ayame screeched to a halt in mid-sentence as he noticed the scalpel clenched in Motoko's hand and the fangirls hankered around Yuki's deathly still body. He slapped his hands to his face in horror. "OMG! You MONSTERS! What have you done to my baby brother!"

"YUKI!" Haru howled desperately, about three captions away from falling to his knees and inquiring the sky as to why this terrible fate had befallen his beloved. Mio gave a chortling little cackle that boiled down to the fact she'd gone off of the deep end.

"The experiment was a success, President Motoko…" She creeped, placing the used scalpel back on the tray. Motoko nodded.

"It appears so." She stated, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. "We must now prepare the extraction for presentation. Ladies! Bring me the duct tape!"

Team Sohma watched in perplexed interest as the Prince Yuki fanclub carried their 'extraction' over to one of the heavily adorned walls and proceeded to hang it on of the lesser covered surfaces. Kyou was the first to find his voice.

"…His… boxers…?" He asked mystified. "The extraction was his boxers? BOXERS!"

Motoko blinked at him in surprise. "Well of course Kyou. We're the Prince Yuki fanclub. How can we call ourselves worthy of obsession if we don't possess at least one article of his underwear? Now our collection is complete!" They all stood back and sighed as they took the wall and all its glorious hangings in.

Yuki sobbed from over on the surgical table. "I feel so VIOLATED!" He sobbed.

Haru quickly ran over to save him but stopped as he came to the deduction that since Yuki's boxers were now on the wall… they were now no longer on him. He spent the next few moments enjoying this lovely new development whilst Yuki continued to go redder and redder under his gaze.

"Oh poor, poor Yuki…" Haru simpered in very, very fake sympathy. "All naked and helpless and vulnerable… and tied up…"

"OH GOD! LET ME UP OFF THIS TABLE NOW!" Yuki hollered attempting to kick his legs in a dissuading way. It didn't really have the effect he hoped what being naked and all and Haru's eyes only continued to get brighter.

Ayame, wanting to play the heroic older brother, did his duty and skipped on over to untie the humiliated mouse before Haru could go black and have his wicked way with him. Motoko noticed Yuki climbing up off of the table and that's when the shit really went down.

"Hey, that's not yours! … Well, yes, since he's your brother I guess it is but I have him now!"

"No you don't." Ayame insisted pointing to Yuki who was attempting to keep his obnoxious brother between himself and the licentious Haru. "I do."

This was the moment when Akito decided to make his entrance. "How dare you all walk off and leave me like that! This vegetable shop is so big I thought I'd NEVER find you!" He huffed putting his hands on his hips and glaring at each of them in turn.

He was wearing a maids' uniform.

Mai clapped her hands together in sudden girlish glee upon Akito's arrival. "Hey, Prince Yuki! I didn't know you had a twin sister!"

Akito puffed out his cheeks like a chipmunk and proceeded to chuck a tantee. Everyone looked on apprehensively until he was finished and gathering the remnants of his tattered pride. His black eyes locked on Mai and the fangirls like a battleship acquiring a target.

"GOD DAMMIT! How many times do I have to tell you people! I. AM NOT. A GIRL! I'M A REAL BOY!" He foamed at the mouth.

"But he is Yuki's twin and for one night only ladies, he's all yours!" Ayame said quickly, figuring he could kill two birds with one stone. With that, he gave Akito a forceful shove towards the fangirls and the remaining members of Team Sohma made their escape through the side door.

"I'll get you for this SNAKE!" Akito promised as the fangirls converged upon him in a clawing, squealing mess. "YOU JUST WAIT! I'LL GET YOU! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO! MWAAA HAAA HAAA!"

Kagura, Kyou, Haru, Ayame and a still rather naked Yuki took off running down a long and very stereotypical tunnel in that melodramatic slow motion fashion that is the stuff of drama everywhere. And just like all great drama's everywhere, before they reached safety, one of the girls had to go over on her ankle and not be able to continue on. Ayame did the honors.

"EEEK!" He screamed suddenly disappearing from camera shot and falling to the ground. "My ankle! I don't think I can go on! SAVE YOURSELVES!"

"Okay." Said Kyou without hesitation. He continued to run towards the light at the end of the tunnel with Kagura insistently hanging off of him.

Ayame's manner changed. "That's not meant to happen! He's meant to say he won't leave me! YUKI!" He sobbed desperately. "DON'T LEAVE ME YUKI!"

Yuki thought it would have been nice payback for Ayame being such a dick to him as a child but figured that he'd only have to hear about it later and frankly he couldn't use that saurous. With a world weary sigh, he raced back, threw his brother over one shoulder and ran for the entrance.

"Follow me; I'll be right behind you!" Haru called from somewhere to the left.

Yuki face faulted.

Finally after what seemed like forever, our heroes emerged into the sunlight. Everyone had a goofy moment of celebration, Ayame groping Shigure like they'd been apart for months, Haru attempting to grope Yuki just for the hell of it, Kagura groping Kyou because that's what her reason for existence is and Ritsu would have groped Akito if the prior wasn't passed out again in the gutter and the latter wasn't already being groped by a group of sexually unrestrained fangirls. It was a very tender and touching scene, particularly when Kureno moved forward and slung his jacket around Yuki's shoulders to keep him modest. Yuki gazed up at him thankfully and Kureno smiled back.

"Who are you?" Yuki asked curiously.

Kureno sank to the pavement again and hung his head. "Ohhh..."

Hatori climbed to his feet after examining the egg sized lump on Ayame's ankle. He wouldn't be able to walk on it, so Shigure (perverse gentleman that he was) offered to carry him back to his place. The strange new guy that Haru had picked up was stuck with the dubious task of transporting Ritsu's stewed carcass along for the ride. With dare number five out of the way, it was time to get cleaned up again and prepare themselves for the next 'enthralling' torture the governing presence threw at them. Yuki sighed, grateful for the fact that he had just made it out of that place alive and made a solemn vow to never take life for granted anymore. Every moment was precious and not worth condemning. Every word spoken, a gift. A blessing. Life seemed so much sweeter now that he had experienced the darker side. Nothing would ever snatch him from this peaceful resolve ever again.

"This chapter of Truth or Dare proudly brought to you by Rice Crispies!" Ayame and Shigure chanted, hefting a bowl into shot.

Yuki bapped them both around the head.

WILL MOMIJI'S DARE BE EVEN MORE SANITY THREATENING THAN YUKI'S? WILL ANYONE EVER RECOGNIZE KURENO? HOW IS AKITO GOING TO SURVIVE THIS LITTLE AHEM MISDEMENOUR? WILL RITSU ENTER DETOX? ALL THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE IN THE NEXT LSD INSPIRED VERSION OF 'TRUTH OR DARE!

(Folks, I was only kidding about the LSD things. Drugs are bad. Very bad.)

A/N: BTW, I want to make an official mention to a very faithful reviewer of mine named Iya Tan, who without her gentle incentive, I probably would not have found the inspiration to keep writing this fic! Thankyou so much for everything my dear! God bless and I hoped you enjoyed the new chapter!

Note: Offer of prize for guessing the correct number of Mental Breakdowns may be withdrawn at any point the author feels the compulsion to do so.